Ring was found and OOPS I said too much
First off, thanks to you all for the comments on the ring. I ended up finding it at home. When I bought his ring, a Titanium ring came with it for free. So I told him that for everyday he had to wear the titanium one and that I was keeping his other one for good (like nice dinners and stuff). He was so relieved.
Now to the OOPS part. When SD23 was 16 her dad bought her a used car. She has been driving that car every since and it has a lot of miles on it. We have been talking recently about buying me a new car and then letting her have my car to use while she is in grad school (her mother had told her when she graduated from her 4 year degree that she would give her BM's car, but of course that didn't happen). Anyway, I found a car that I like. We would use SD23's car as a trade in on the car. But it is worth far less than my car so it will not lower the cost of the new car much. After thinking about it for a while, I think that SD23 should have to pay something towards using my current car to compensate for the fact that we are getting higher payments on the new car by giving her my car instead of using that one for the trade in. SD23 has a part time job, pays no bills herself (DH gives her a monthly amount), and pockets her money and says she is saving it to pay off her school loans. (Keep in mind that Hubby paid almost $80,000 for her first two years to an ivy league school out of his pocket. No help from BM. Well on occasion she would buy a college book)
So last night I tell DH that I think that if SD23 is going to use my current car she should be responsible for paying something on it (Insurance or something). He got irritated. I told him he was not helping her any, by paying all of her bills and not making her be responsible for some things. That she needs to start to learn to support herself. I told him that I understand that he wants to help her while in school but that he needs to start making her more responsible. SS20 is also in college but hasn't graduated from 4 years yet so I told him that I understood where he came from with that but that SD23 is old enough to start paying for some things on her own. He got mad about this and didn't really say much other than made it clear that he felt I was nagging. Then he said something like, "well maybe we will have to get a cheaper car". I said No that I have a car with Bells and Whistles that is good shape (its just older) and that I wasn't going to get a lesser car so that she could have a nicer one. This really irritated him. I work full time and support my mother and pay some towards our marital home.
Anyway maybe this was selfish of me, but I had to work and pay for my own car when I was 23. I had bills to pay and took care of myself at 23. (Mom and Dad helped when I had a major problem, but encouraged me to resolve things as much as possible without them).
Any thoughts??
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Comments
I believe responsible
I believe responsible parenting involves gradually giving children more responsibility. If you don't, it's more difficult for them to manage their money.
I say at 23 she should be paying more than just her car insurance, but given your DH has carried everything this far, it's a really good place to start.
He needs to start making her accountable for her own expenses. No reason for you to have to sacrifice to pay her way. To expect this is not selfish on your part, but irresponsible on your DH's. He should've started the self-accountability long before now.
You work for what you & she should be expected to do the same.
Yup I have to agree with
Yup I have to agree with MazzyStar on this one. Tell DH you will give her your car, only if she agrees to start helping with the insurance to supplement the payments on the newer car. If not she is stuck with the old car and will have to buy herself a new car when that one dies and then she will have to pay alot more than just car insurance.
Maybe he should just put the ball in SD's court? Chances are she won't mind paying the car insurance to get the upgrade. Daddy is probably more offended than she will be. She sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders (graduated within the 4 years, going to grad school, saving money, etc). Maybe he isn't giving her enough credit.
My daughter is 23 next week.
My daughter is 23 next week. She's lived on her own for almost 3 years. She lives with her fiance. She is finishing up her 4 year undergrad.
She works 20-40 hrs a week. She goes to school. She pays her rent, her groceries, her utilities, her clothing, her brand new card she got 5 months ago, and her own car insurance.
She is on her dad's insurance until she graduates or turns 25.
She pays her own way. She goes to a nice school and it cost a pretty penny.
How will his daughter know how to budget a checkbook or budget her monthly expenses against her income?
Does he think that it'll just come to her?
BS!!
She needs to be responsible for paying something out of pocket even if it is just insurance.
Why does he think the princess can't pay some of her bills? It's about teaching responsibility. Not punishing her.
More of that stupid guilty dad crap.
I'm so tired of it!!
I wish men would stop buying into that load of bs. It's so frustrating.
Life is not t-ball dude!!
And this young lady is going to be draining you guys for a long time to come!!
Let her buy her own
Let her buy her own car...Trade in yours. I was on my third car at that age. One totalled and one died. My parents attitude was they gave me my first, it was up to me to get the ones after that. They did co-sign for me on two cars...But, it was my problem. Also, I was covering my own insurance. Also, at 23 I got married and we had our own insurance...
She is old enough to have some responsibility. He is not doing her any favors...
Question: Why should you pay
Question: Why should you pay money to have a car you deserve and she shouldn't have to pay anything??? We pay our dues when we are young so we can have these nice things when we are older. She needs to start paying some dues...
One compromise that MAY work
One compromise that MAY work for your husband would be to leave the choice up to SD. Start paying $X per month, and she can have the newer one. If she doesn't want to pay, she can keep the older one.
Of course, I have no doubt after how your DH reacted that he will think this is unreasonable and you hate SD, but hope springs eternal!
When I was 16 and started
When I was 16 and started driving my dad paid for 1 year of insurance but it was up to me to work and pay for my own gas. When I was 17 I had to pay for my gas and insurance. When I was 18 I was paying my mom room and board on top of gas and insurance. Then I went off to university and was paying my own rent, tuition, groceries, etc. and I was working a part time job. I moved back to my home town when I was 21 and moved in with my DH (bf at the time). We paid for everything on our own, no one gave us hand outs. We got married a year later and had our daughter 9 months after that (honeymoon baby, lol). We had sold DH's car in order to save money and shortly after DD was born my car decided to rust off of it's frame, lol. My dad did loan us the money for a van but we have made payments to him every month and continued to run our own household.
My sister was raised completely differently. She is 22 and my dad JUST stopped paying her insurance for her and I am pretty sure that he still gives her an allowance of 20 dollars if she half assed cleans his house when she visits him. She lived with my mom on 2 seperate occasions after she 18 and was supposed to pay room and board as well. Both times she refused and when mom asked her about the money she flipped out and disowned our mom.
The difference between the type of people we are? I have been responsible for myself for the last 6 years and have been living with my DH for the last 3 years and we have been supporting our household on our own. My sister has literally moved out of one bf's house into another bf's house 5 times in the last 3 years, she has absolutely no idea what real life is about because our dad always bails her out.
I am SOOOOO happy that I am the one they decided to raise properly with responsibility!