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Guilty Dad Syndrome

msc1120's picture

Submitted by msc1120 on Thu, 12/15/2011 - 12:56pm

I'm at a complete loss now and am so confused I don't know which way is up. DH and I are separated because I told him I resented SS13 because of BM. I know his child's well being has to come first and this may sound selfish, but what about me? The thing that really pisses me off is that I love my husband more than anything really want my marriage to work but I'm tired of being pushed aside for SS who could really give a rat's ass about visiting his dad, who stays in his room playing video games all weekend long when he visits, who DH wants to spend time with but won't get off his ass and make an effort. All of this because he feels guilty about the divorce after 10 years still. DH's whole family is that way and most of BM's family. I'm working on letting my resentment go because it's not the kids fault his mama is a self-centered bitch, who has turned her son just like her, but at this point I don't know if it's even worth trying anymore.

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Willow2010's picture

Submitted by Willow2010 on Thu, 12/15/2011 - 1:13pm

Why are you so resentful? It does not even sound like you see the skid that much and when you do, he is not engaged in the house much.

msc1120's picture

Submitted by msc1120 on Thu, 12/15/2011 - 1:33pm

The biggest reason, and I know it stuff I have to work out for myself, is DH and I lost a baby at 25 weeks to miscarriage a few years back. We've been to therapy for over that, maybe I need more. When I see my SS all I see sometimes if the child I'll probably never have due to other issues. I need to let all that go somehow and focus on the skid and treat him like my own.

branmuffin97's picture

Submitted by branmuffin97 on Thu, 12/15/2011 - 1:20pm

The resentment is likely misguided...to an extent. If dh is putting his son first....and not making you a priority...your resentment should probably be aimed at your husband.

My ss is here full time...and he is manipulative and doesn't like me because I am a real parent(do homework, finish chores, have a bedtime, etc.). He hardly speaks to me...is disrespectful..and for those reasons, I'm no fan of his as well. HOWEVER, I also have issues with my dh because as the father..and custodial parent...it's HIS JOB to work on correcting these bad behaviors and he prefers the head in the sand approach. It's not working for me...I need a partner that is ok with US being the adults and parenting the 4 kids under our roof.

A few weeks back I told dh I was going to grow to resent ss if things didn't change and I know he took that very hard...because he's mentioned it a few times since then. I told him...oh well, I'd like him if I found him more likeable. Seriously...truth hurts. If you dropped the ball and helped create an unlikeable, rude, self centered kid...don't blame the world for not wanting to be around him!

Ommy's picture

Submitted by Ommy on Thu, 12/15/2011 - 1:24pm

I understand what you are going through. The more I think about it I think that that is also part of my reason for hating FSD3, besides her behavior towards me.

With me FSD5 is a clone of her dad. They look alike and she is suck a tom boy Smile I am too so it is perfect.

With FSD3 she is a clone of BM. The attitude, behavior, violence, the way she talks everything. I cant stand it. I think I can live with the fact that FDH has a history and has kids, but the fact that BM will always be there just kills me, the fact that FSD3 is evil towards me because of BM has caused me to hate her, I first loved play, coloring and spending time with FSD3 now she isnt allowed in my home FDH put a stop to it.

Auteur's picture

Submitted by Auteur on Thu, 12/15/2011 - 1:35pm

Welcome! Get the book "Stepmonster" by Wednesday Martin and read thoroughly STAT!

I know how you feel. GG (biodad I live with) would kiss his spawn's collective keisters and would put everything on hold to be a disney dad. His kids are totally materialistic and have been PASed to death by the BM (when BM trashes biodad and stepmom)

Don't beat yourself up for feeling resentful. Kids come first in the sense that they need food, clothing and shelter and are unable to provide that for themselves. They also need TRAINING not just to be doted on by daddykins. I used to call visitation "entitlement sessions" and the spawn "returning royalty" of course not to GG but on this site as it was an apt description of what was going on. Then the guilt comes in b/c they don't want to discipline their offspring as they might "lose them to the BM" (TM) or "I don't get much time with my kids so I don't want to spend all of it disciplining them" (TM)

Willow2010's picture

Submitted by Willow2010 on Thu, 12/15/2011 - 1:56pm

I need to let all that go somehow and focus on the skid and treat him like my own.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Yes, I think you do have some issues that need to be resolved....(I am very sorry for your loss!) But you also may be putting too much pressure on yourself. You don't have to love skid like your own! Hell you don't even have to like him. BUT...you do need to respect that he is your DH's kid. (Like an Aunt or something) Good luck!

branmuffin97's picture

Submitted by branmuffin97 on Thu, 12/15/2011 - 2:02pm

I had a miscarriage in August and I do think that unresolved issues from that can really make any other stress almost unbearable. I thought I had handled it pretty well until my daughter handed me her phone with a pic ex-sil sent her of her sonogram. We would've been due at the same time. (knife in the heart!)

You are getting tons of good advice here...I second the book Stepmonster. I just finished it this week and it helped SO MUCH. For one, it took some pressure off because I quickly realized that everything I was feeling was completely normal! Hang in there.

msc1120's picture

Submitted by msc1120 on Thu, 12/15/2011 - 2:08pm

You guys on this site are the best!!! I've only been coming here for a couple days now and have learned so much from everyone's stories. It really helps to know I'm not completely nuts in how I am feeling.

Totalybogus's picture

Submitted by Totalybogus on Thu, 12/15/2011 - 3:00pm

You should always be able to discuss YOUR feelings with your husband. He is supposed to be your best friend. I think your relationship could wind up far worse if you kept your feelings cooped inside of you. Of course, your resentment would grow.

There is nothing wrong with how you FEEL, just how you deal with it. Maybe you both could get some counseling.