Staying Together For The Kids
I attend a lot of birthday parties one just last night and this is what I observe. It’s X’s 5th birthday his older brother is there, his new baby half-sister is not. She is at home with his step dad under the premise that she is sick but really step dad hates going to these things. His step sister isn’t there because her mother moved her 3 state lines away from his step dad to hook up with a guy on the internet. X’s maternal grandpa is there with his wife, his maternal grandma is there alone. His aunt is there with her two sons who she has to drop off at a certain time and place quickly after the party so as not to violate the CO she has in place with her ex. Her new boyfriend (he is totally gay!!) and their new baby are there. His dad is there but keeps his distance with his new girlfriend who won’t talk to anyone or look at anyone or go near the kids just like she did at the last party and no one talks to her but we stare at her a lot. She’s very pretty. My brother is there without his son who his ex-wife claims is sick because she hates our family and this kid is the sickest damn kid every time we have a get together.. Somebody should really get him looked at *rollseyes*. My two girls were there, my two SD’s were not because they are with their mother who has recently had to take a pay cut, and rearrange her shifts so she can keep a better eye on them as she has full custody and is on her own and 3 hours away. My DH is not there because…like Step dad number 1 he hates these crowded kid places.
My point is all our gatherings are like this, steps and ex’s lumped together hating every minute of it to celebrate. I think it is better, except in cases where someone is sick and abusive, to stay together for the kids. You made these people it is no longer about you and your happiness, it is about turning out healthy well-adjusted people that shouldn’t have to deal with complex human relationships so early in life. People that say it’s wrong to stay together just for the kids are copping out because they don’t want to sacrifice their comfort. Everyone in my life except me (so far anyway) and my own parents broke it off and nobody is any happier, life goes from being a sucky marriage to a perpetually awkward birthday party and it last the rest of your life. Just an observation.
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Instead of staying together
Instead of staying together for the kids, it should state work it out together for the kids.
My parents "stayed together" for the kids. Gee thanks. There was just as much tension and akwardness, and absent people, as you described at the party. Other family members getting "sucked" into the situation. Taking sides, trying to alleviate akwardness, tryin to be loyal, who to be loyal to, etc...
Sorry, i must respectivly disagree. Me and my sibs all wished they split, it was a very unhealthy, tension filled, dysfunctional household.
>>>I think it is better,
>>>I think it is better, except in cases where someone is sick and abusive, to stay together for the kids.<<<
I strongly disagree. My parents did this, and I was SO RELIEVED when they finally decided to divorce.
- Years of icy silence during the day then arguing when they thought my brother and I could not hear them.
- Eating dinner while avoiding the shooting daggers between them.
- Listening to them converse in one-word sentences in an attempt to get along "for the sake of the kids".
Nope, I would never do that to my own child. It is a truly shitty way to grow up. Thankfully, my parents came to their senses.
"Of course, those happy
"Of course, those happy parents need to mature, responsible adults who put their childrens needs and emotions first."
From what we read on here every day that just NEVER seems to be the case. lol
I know it's not a popular opinion. I know most people feel/claim to be happier but the financial problems that arise, the lack of consistancy of going to two seperate homes, the jelousy, and bad mouthing kids are a lot of times exposed to seem to bear heavy consequenses themselves.
My Dad's parents divorced his dad died when he was 17 his mom had a lesbian partner for 30 years before she died, we never really associated much with his side. My moms parents hated each other but had a working system, she was an excellent home maker she budgeted his paycheck and all he had to do was work, and go in the back rooom and watch golf I saw them fight and bark at eachother, Ialso saw their last kiss the morning grandpa died,and 10 years later my grandma occasionally reminds us that when she goes she does not want her urn put in with that "bastard". lol My mom and uncle brushed off their hostility toward eachother easily because they were well provided for. My own parents were married 26 years before my dad died, they had some nasty fights and my mom cheated A LOT but they were best friends and basically could've got divorced but I guess they figured why waste the money, when they liked each other enough, and I appreciate that they did stay together. So just based on my own anecdotal evidence I think staying together for the kids, or as was better put earlier working it out together for them is a healthy option not to be condemmed.
I'm sorry but you all are
I'm sorry but you all are seeming to miss the main reason here... It is hard on the child either way. Whether the parents get divorced or decide to work it out for the children, it is hard on the children no matter what. Even if the parents get along, don't fight very much, aren't abusive, even if they like eachother... It is hard as a kid growing up to know that their parents stayed together for them even tho they didn't love eachother. Idk about you but I am happy my parents seperated. My mom was not in love with my dad and she didn't deserve him. At the same time my dad still loves my mom to this day but he had a lot of issues and he didn't deserve her either. Them getting divorced was hard as well but it was best for THEM. I always looked at all my friends whos parents were together and found myself jealous and it was hard with the back and forth. BUT I never wanted them to stay together for me. They were NOT IN LOVE. A person who thinks that their parents staying together bc it was easier on them as kids even tho you know your parents weren't in love is just plain selfish. Every parent, every single person has a right to spend their life with the one they truly, unconditionally love. The way I see it is either way it is hard but Atleast if they get divorced they are giving themselves a chance to find true happiness!!! It is terribly saddening to me ALICEP that your grandma spent her life with someone she refuses to be put in an urn with... By all means I'm not condemning it. They chose to stay in that situation and live their lives as a lie. Everyone has a right to choose whether or not to live happily or to move on and find true happiness. All I'm saying is it is extremely selfish in my eyes as a daughter or son to say they think their parents spending their lives miserable is ok bc it was the right thing to do for them(the child). I am more than ok and always have been fine knowing that ny parents got divorced because they were not happy. Infact to me that is the best thing they could've done for us kids. I would never want to be 30yrs old, knowing my parents wasted their whole lives unhappy because of me.
I would rather have the kids
I would rather have the kids in tension bday parties and stuff on occasion then for them to live in tension every day if their lives.
I have kind of a different
I have kind of a different perspective. I'm a serious Catholic, and I've been married since I was 19. A few years ago we went through such a bad patch, I was wishing for DH to find a girlfriend or hit me so I'd have grounds for an annullment! Sounds funny now but it wasn't then! But we stuck it out, and now we're happier than ever. I do think the older kids get the worst of it, JoJo. I recently asked my 2 oldest, (in college now) to rate thier childhoods on a scale of 1-10. DD19 said "11" (God love her) and Perfectson22 said "6".
My parents divorced when I was 12, my Dad acted single during the whole marriage, as well as being terrible to my Mom and brother. My brother and I used to TELL her to get a divorce when we were little thats how bad it was! And now, my Mom is married to another alcoholic. He is painfully obnoxious. So what's the answer? Damned if I know. We all just do our best with what we're given.
"A person who thinks that
"A person who thinks that their parents staying together bc it was easier on them as kids even tho you know your parents weren't in love is just plain selfish"
No, I recognize their sacrafice. Having kids is sacrafice, the most recent generation of people having kids seem to want to have the kids with as little discomfort as ,that is selfish. I recognizere that it's not "romantic" and whimisacal to stay in a relationship where your bored and as I mentioned violent situations aren't safe obviously so you should definitly run, but just about everything else, cheaters, alcoholics, mental illness, can be resolved if you have a strong partnership..or you can walk away.
It seems people were more productive in my grandmothers era when they stayed together cause that's just what you're supposed to do.
Kids dealing with divorced parents, learn to manipulate their parents early, are spoiled rotten in most cases (You should have seen the gifts this 5 year old got!!) Get to choose or have to choose a side and that's not fair when I was mad at my dad I didn't get to just go stay at my moms. Statistically I guess they do worse in school I don't know about that, my SD's are doing awful in school because they are moved around so much and sick a lot, mine aren't school age. It seems if you had two sets of parents you'd have twice the attention but that is not the case, parents don't work together they send ambiguous e mails about school events if they notify eachother at all etc. And that is selfish.
And as a side note I realize
And as a side note I realize I am no expert on the subject and woman have tons more opportunities now and that is better for society as a whole. It was just a funny observation I had at this party that was supposed to be WHOOOOHooo a party. I think the kids had fun that's what the pictures will show anyway.
You know you all made some
You know you all made some really valid points. Although I do feel if you are not in love that you should end the relationship, I really see different views on why many choose to stay. JOJO I have a similiar experience. I was the oldest, 2 younger brother that were 3 yrs younger, a younger brother that was 6yrs younger and a baby bro and sis that are 10yrs younger than me. I have good but mostly bad memories, one of the older brothers and the brother 6yrs younger had it worse than I did while the other younger bro and the 2 babies had it rather goof compared to the rest. Very strange how that happens. (Hope that made some sense... Lol) I sometimes wonder if my parents would have been better off if they stayed together... To be honest in a lot of ways it would've been a lot better but then I wouldn't have my other siblings and I wouldn't be who I am today. Most things from my childhood are all things that I would never do to my kids. It taught me to be the mom I am and for that I am thankful.