It took me months. Just keep working at it. It will come naturally after time.

I think the important thing about disengaging is not to feel guilty about it. If you don't believe you have the right to disengage, then you will not be able to do it properly. You must believe in yourself ,and realize your role. Know that you are important, I mean really consider this. If you are stressed out and in charge the whole time, you are not happy, and you will become someone he never married, someone he never knew,( like when you were excited about him, and the world seemed to be opening up, not closing in on you). You may even become someone you've never known, and that's a scary thing. You put anyone in a stressful situation long term, and they will revert to the basest, meanest, snarling , nasty thing. Feed yourself, nourish yourself, let go of guilt. They are not sitting up nights worrying what will become of you, or feeling guilty about their own needs and wants, why should you?

Habsle, don't beat yourself up because your not "perfect" in disengageing. The advice you have received from the experienced disengagers, is great advice. I too am learning to disengage and their advice has been valuable to me.

I think the most difficult part of this is seeing stuff DH does or doesn't do and keeping a non-responsive look on my face and keep my mouth shut. Trust me I walk away and say to myself...not my child, not my problem. Then I get on this website and find support and comfort from everyone here.

Tomorrow my SS's come for 5 days...I will be busy with a life of my own!

Hang in there, you're not alone

I am also in the process of learning to disengage- even more than I have in the past. I am glad to know that this is not "evil"/bad person behavior. I have been doing this for 4 years with my adult Skids. I notice when I turn this function "off", I am extremely anxious and stressed. I love being able to feel "no connection" whatsoever to his lil DIVA's woes. Like someone said, Not my kid, not my problem. I am thankful that me and my BF accepted this motto from the beginning as some weird UNSPOKEN rule. Whatever issues I am having with my daughters- he is there to support me and love me- but he doesn't get involved; the same goes for his Adult Daughters. I don't care if their car is out of gas, has a flat tire, if they need $20, if they are having a bad day- NOT MY PROBLEM.

They try to dump all their problems in my BF's lap- like DAD is supposed to "fix" all their problems. WE never hear them going to their wonderful mother for help!! OH NO- daddy is supposed to pay for everything- stop his life and change his plans at any moment the Lil Diva's need something. I get mad when he does this- but this is his problem, not mine. I will give him my opinion and advice- and tell him how I feel- but it's up to him to stand up to them.

I think for people who have never dealt with "someone elses kids", this kind of behavior must seem very cold and heartless. But as we all know, it can save your sanity!!! I refuse to be used and verbally abused by a bunch of spoiled rotten brats. It is the craziest thing that My kids and His kids can't stand each other- it's as if there is some invisible wall that separates them. His kids were raised in an upper class neighborhood and went to a "snobby" school; my kids grew up in tougher neighborhoods in the city and had a stressful childhood- so they are much more street smart. They do not mesh well at all. I have tried to get them together for holidays - it has not happened in the last 4 Christmas' and it sure in hell isn't happening this year. Me and my BF have essentially had to celebrate separate Xmas'- although I show up to his Dinner- Me and My kids usually spend a quiet evening alone. It's sad things have to be this way. I even offered one year that all the kids try to Swap presents- pick a name out of a hat and that's who they buy a gift for---- I didn't even get one response.

There is no use feeling guilty- life is too short to waste anymore time or energy on such things. Time to LIVE life and enjoy the Freedom we deserve!!! Free of SKIDS!!

BBGF

I'm so glad to know I'm not the only one who disengages. I've been doing this for sometime out of self preservation. I've felt tremendous guilt in doing so, but because I have health issues I determined it was necessary. I've noticed if I'm not bending over backwards to care for an ungrateful child I am less resentful. I can't be responsible for someone else's messed up imprinting. I too, no longer cook breakfast, or lunch for that matter. That stopped when SD continually stuck her nose up at what I'd make. Dinner is what it is, don't like it, go hungry. SD learned to do her own laundry at 9 because I got fed up telling her that I don't spend hours doing laundry only to find them tossed on the floor, then in the hamper after she has "cleaned" her room. She's had to dig her shoes out of the trash because I get tired of telling her to "pick them up, I'm tired of tripping over them."

For a long time I've felt like a horrible stepmom because I maintain boundaries for myself. I'm so glad to have found you all.

When I first started disengaging I looked at it as a gift I was giving dh, ss, and even bm. Prior to disengagment i was SUPER SM! I did it all. Because I was so damn good at what i was doing-my dh nor the bm even bothered really trying to parent ss. Which of course turned out to not be good. When I backed off they both really did step up to the plate and became more involved with him. I would like to say my story happily ends there-but unfortunately both bm and dh have encountered pretty much the smae problems with ss that I did-thats why he now lives with mil.

However, perhaps your story will be better. Perhaps thru your disengagement-your skids parents will end up being better parents which will only be a benefit to the skid and hopefully make him or her turn out to be a better person.