I'm a lunatic
Ok so this post is actually about my kids not stepkids. My DH is the most amazing man I've ever known. He is wonderful to me, and my three sons. He's do anything in the world for us.
So what's the problem you say..... Well He and I both work a lot of hours. I usually get home about 5:30 good time I know but I feel like I never have enough time or energy to make sure everything is taken care of. We moved into his home and I promised him we wouldn't make more work for him way back when. I feel though that I'm not keeping up on my end. When I get home I'm usually rushing in to change grab a boy or two and run them places, by the time I get home DH is home and he wants to take me to dinner, or snuggle watching movie. This is wonderful of course but then I end up not being able to clean and make sure boys help.
So my issue is I came home yesterday and DH had gotten off way early(he works outside and it was raining) So he totally cleaned house top to bottom, while my older boys slept, and younger played xbox. I came home expecting to clean and it was done. I broke down in tears because A. I felt like a failure because he had to clean when he's been sick and works long hours typically. and B. I was mortified that my kids weren't helping.
I know he could've asked as I wasn't home but I feel like it's my responsibility to keep everthing together because it's my 3 boys that live there not his. I know you probably think I'm a total fruitcake but I just want to be the very best and him not have to worry about the house and things and I feel like a total failure. There are so many women that work and still have a spotless house kids in sports and things and keep it all together perfectly. I just feel I suck at being a good wife and mother.....
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I do talk to my boys, but
I do talk to my boys, but being lovely teenagers it's usually an attitude or ya mom I'll do it only to not. Somedays when I get home I'm already totally stressed from work that I just don't have it in me to have a fight with kids or deal with shitty attitudes. This in turn makes me feel like a shitty mom because if I was better I wouldnt' get attitude and they would help more.
ok DH & I both work - I'm on
ok DH & I both work - I'm on a regular day job and my DH works 2 weeks days & 2 weeks nights. I found myself doing exactly what you are doing - trying to take care of it all so he's able to focus on his job. He works a ton of overtime as well so we basically don't see him the 2 weeks he works nights.
Ask around and see if any of your friends know someone who cleans houses. I was talking to a friend and she mentioned her gal and I quickly scooped her up. I LOVE Diana Day! I come home to a house that's been cleaned top to bottom every other week. DH & I keep up with the day to day stuff but it's amazing the stress relief it provides. I only pay $70 and our budget is tight - I cut elsewhere since I felt it was so important.
Maybe DH didn't want or need
Maybe DH didn't want or need help? Maybe he just wanted to get it done before you got home? I know I prefer the kids to stay out of my way when I am cleaning. Their responsibilities are their own rooms. My BS15 is responsible for taking out the garbage/recycling and cleaning out the dishwasher. My BD11 cleans out the litter box and performs poop patrol outside for our three dogs - this happened because I have to repeatedly tell her to clean her room, so this is her punishment. I have blown up at my kids and SD many times for not doing their chores. SD9 is responsible for putting away her bedding and taking her clothes to the laundry room, which is a job for us because to this day we still need to remind her. All kids let the dogs in/out, and feed them. This being said, there is no allowance involved in their chores. However, I do reward them when there is something they really want, if and only if they have kept good on their chores. My DH used to get upset when the kids didn't do their chores, and he would see me doing them. DH never had the "pleasure" of having to live with chore-capable children, so I had to school him on the choices a parent makes when attempting to keep one's sanity. After three years of wedded bliss, he finally gets it. There are times when I have to display the veins in my neck over my children's lack of persistent chore duties, but that has become few and far between as they become older. A pushover I am not, but I know which battles to fight and which ones to let go.
I know how extremely difficult it is to maintain a household and work, but it is really great that DH is willing to help out. My DH is the same way, although I still break down at times believing that I am the only one that does anything. This is going to happen; you have good days and bad days. My suggestion is to show appreciation to DH - men love that crap. I also know from past experience that they need to know that you still need them, so when DH does things for you, even cleaning the house, you need to let him. He probably just wants more time with you and knows that cleaning the house for you means more time for him!!! Love it - then love and appreciate DH - sounds like you got a good man!
He said exactly that. He
He said exactly that. He wants me time all the time so cleaning early means me time all evening. Which of course I love him for I guess if my kids were our kids I wouldn't beat myself up so bad, but because their mine I feel like it's my responsibility not his. I know that's probably wrong, but we're newly together and I've always had the weight of my kids responsibility on my shoulders alone so it's hard to think that hey it's ok for someone to help it doesn't make me a failure which is exactly how I've been treated for 18 years. I know it's me and he is absolutely wonderful and I should embrace it. I just wish I could stop the twisting stomach feel that I've not been good enough... I promise I'm not a drama queen this is just a weird issue I have.
I know how you feel about
I know how you feel about wanting your kids to be a help rather than a hindrance. I still notice that DH points out my children's imperfections, maybe your DH doesn't? My Bio's tend to want to stay out of my DH's way for fear that they may do something wrong and have to listen to a lecture. The relationship between my DH and Bio's is important to me. So important that it reflects my true feelings towards DH. I love DH, but I have to say that through these past three years, my affection level has drastically dropped due to his relationship towards our children (DH adopted Bios nearly 2 years ago). Also, the drama concerning his mom, BM and SD has had a huge impact. I want my children to be happy; they lost their BD over 7 years ago. We have no idea what life would have been like, so we have nothing to compare our lives now to. Their dad was good to them, but he was injured at work (construction) and became increasingly depressed - the rest is history. Now, don't get me wrong, DH will bend over backwards for our kids. I just don't understand why he is so critical of them. Meanwhile, I deal with his mom, BM and SD, which can be extremely horrible.
Harley girl, I so get it. Me
Harley girl, I so get it. Me too. My first husband was a workaholic, selfish, self centered, all bout him. Not abusive but just lived to work.
My SO is like yours, wonderful thoughtful, no drama, just wants me to be happy. 3 yrs later I am finally accepting him and how he adds to my life an makes me so happy.
It takes time to adjust to have a man who really wants to be part of the solution. And just wants to be with you and your happiness means more to him that anything.
Take a deep breath and repeat after me.
"I am worth it" and "I am so Blessed".
Seriously, let it go. You do
Seriously, let it go. You do need to chat with the kids, that it is all of your responsibility to keep the house clean and they are to help. I would assign certain responsibilities to each one so that you can keep track if the tasks are being completed.
Kids don't remember that your house is spotless, their friends don't remember if your house is spotless, they just remember if they had fun and were welcomed.
A wise lady once said to me people don't care that your house is spotless. They care that you invited them into your home, and shared your life with them. This I have found to be true.
I like a clean house and I ran myself ragged when my daughter was growing up making sure everything was "perfect". Truthfully it was a lot of wasted precious time that I cannot get back.
My house now is picked up and basically clean, but I spend my life living and having fun. I don't sweat it. You shouldn't either.
Enjoy the wonderful man that is in your life and the great kids you have....the rest will still be there. But your time is valuable with them. Trust me is goes by so quickly and you can't get it back.
Look give yourself a break
Look give yourself a break here. That is what a partnership is all about.
I am one of those moms that the house looks perfect and I manage to volunteer for countless things and get BS16 to where he needs to be. I have a hard time saying no....But, in order to do all those things, I have to work from home. I made a decision years ago to stay in a career where I could dictate my hours. I would love to work for a Wall Street firm, and have turned down offers over the years, in order to do this. I do have a cleaning lady once a month and that is for my sanity. My point here is that the houses that look perfect from the outside, usually have more going on inside. Those moms have been making concessions somewhere in order to get their lives to be perceived that way.
Your husband stepped up. Be grateful for that. Because of my OCD and things having to be perfect, my DH has stopped helping on a lot of things. He hasn't touched the yard since I moved in since I like to garden...Won't do laundry, since I corrected him on how he folds. Etc. He does do all the parenting of SS so I can not fault him that much.
I would stop being so hard on yourself. If everyone is healthy and happy, you are doing great....
Do YOUR KIDS a
Do YOUR KIDS a favor...schedule time for YOU and YOUR DH, get a list of CHORES for them to do weekly, and if chores are not done for more than X days in a month, extracurricular activities are out. You cannot allow this to happen because it is disrespectful to your DH AND YOU... And honestly, I got a warm and fuzzy feeling hearing a BM say such things and be greatful what this man does for you and the kids and acknowledge the kids or you aren't pulling their/your weight.
With that said, do NOT beat yourself up over a spotless house. I have been on both sides of the fence and honestly, no, there aren't many women who work outside the home, spend quality time with their DHs and kids and have a spotless home, heck, I don't know of ANY. There might be women who spend no time with their kids or their spouse and have a spotless house, or women who don't work that spend time with their spouse and have a spotless house, but is is physically IMPOSSIBLE to have it all. The ONLY way to attempt to get as close to work, quality family time & spotless house is IF EVERYONE in the home contributes to it's upkeep...you CANNOT do it alone.
So make some chores, keep a chart...believe me it works.
Monday - mom - laundry
Monday - kid vacuum
Tue - mom take kid to X place
Tue - kid goes to X place
Wednesday - mom to go to dinner with DH
Wednesday - kids to clean their room
When you can see it, you are able to manage things better...and when you actually see "it is WEDNESDAY, time to go out with DH alone" in writing, you are more likely to give yourself the "permission" to actually do it and leave the rest behind.
Good luck to you and PS - make sure somewhere there you put "time for mom to sleep, time for mom to do yoga or just read"
Thank you to everyone.
Thank you to everyone. Sometimes it's nice hearing other people tell you it's ok to not be able to be super mom/wife. In my head I know it but sometimes still freak out. I have told him I love him for being so helpful and giving. He knows the stress I put on myself is because I love him so much and want to be everything all the time which of course he tells me I'm everything he wants... did I mention he's amazing lol. I appreciate everyones comments and I am working to chill on silly things like this.
My mom did it by putting her
My mom did it by putting her kids to work! Lol! She always had a great house. The way it worked was on Monday we were given chores that had to be done through out the week. For example, a normal week would be, I had dishes tuesday & friday and I had to clean a bathroom and vacuum the living room once at some point. Then if it was done Saturday and Sunday I was allowed to do whatever. If not Saturday was spent doing chores.
Take it easy on yourself. Sounds like you have a wonderful guy!!!