Need your humble advice! Plans to meet with BM for a conversation.
Looks like we are going to have a meeting with BM possibly next week. We’ve never all three of us sat down to discuss things. DH and BM had a “heart to heart” conversation/meeting this past winter and that went pretty well for them. Hopefully one with all three of us goes well too.
Here’s what I’m worried about: what if once it starts coming out of my mouth, I just spew out all the nasty things I think of her? I’m so scared that after holding all those thoughts inside that they will just come out without me stopping it!
This all came about because over the past few months, things have been increasingly strained. It’s a combination of a lot of things – let me list them...
1) DH and I had our baby in February. I feel guilty making DH take care of Baby when skids are here because he gets to see Baby all the time but he doesn’t see them all the time. Therefore I don’t spend any time with skids anymore (as Baby gets older it is getting better but he’s still rather demanding of a person’s time/attention.) This has made DH feel like I don’t treat the skids the same as I used to!
2) We moved to an every-other-week schedule with SS4. However, BM assumed that we would also take her daughter, SD6 more often, too. Obviously this makes me resentful that she expects us to do this with no thank you or appreciation.
3) DH started a new job. He now works retail hours which means there are some nights a week he is not even home until all the kids are in bed. Obviously it’s a lot harder to take care of a baby and two skids...then I get resentful because technically I don’t “have” to take care of SD6 so that BM can go out to the bar. We started asking BM if she could take SD6 on those nights and she’s flipped out about it saying that we’re pushing SD6 out of our lives because we have a baby now. She doesn’t understand that SD6 has two biological parents in town so why is SD6 my responsibility? She refuses to allow only SS4 to come over to our house, except when SD6 is at her biodad's (then apparently it's okay to separate them...) She refuses to spend time with just her daughter.
4) I started trying to communicate with BM via email, to open up that door and to help us all communicate better. DH is notoriously a last-minute guy and I thought this would help us all out to always be on the same page and know what’s up. This backfired as BM was totally threatened by it and took anything I said wrong and defensive and would go calling DH and ‘complaining’ to him about something I said. Now I feel like I can’t even talk to her at all or I will get “in trouble”.
5) The situation with SD6 has become a lot more strained and difficult. She comes to our house after spending the weekend with her biodad and she is really awkward with us like they've been telling her she shouldn't be coming here anymore. DH is expected to be her "daddy" during the week but there are certain situations where BM doesn't want him to go -- because it will be too "awkward" for everyone (like school functions). This double standard is really frustrating.
DH says that I have so much hatred for BM and that I need to try to see her “good side” more often. It’s hard to see the good side when all I am presented with is the bad – us waiting on a Sunday (three times in the past months) for BM to pick up her children while we know she is sitting at a bar. Her Facebook statuses that present us with the truth behind her lies almost daily...how am I supposed to “like” this person when I am not given any evidence to do so from?
So as I said in the beginning, we are going to meet with BM – possibly as soon as next week – to sit down and discuss things. It makes my stomach turn. I’m really nervous.
I want to do it with a mediator present just so that it won’t get heated, but DH doesn’t want that – he thinks it’ll be better to keep it more casual.
My mind has been racing since we decided this. I think I will go ahead and start writing down a list of points I’d LIKE to make – then go back and narrow it down to just a few main points so that I can mentally keep myself on track.
Anyone have any other advice?
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Comments
Thank you for your
Thank you for your suggestions and you are absolutely right - DH and I need to sit down before this even happens and discuss everything and what we want out of this meeting. I think that'd be a good point to bring up at the meeting too -- "What is our goal?"
To answer your question about what we are discussing exactly...there have been a lot of things that have come up where BM clearly does not understand where I am coming from, and according to DH, I'm beign too harsh on her. So basically DH is sick of being in the middle of all of this and he thinks that if we can all just do this for once it will help clear some air and mostly give BM a better perspective of me and where I am coming from (and I suppose he thinks I might see the "good side" of BM too).
He's also goign to ask her if SD6's biodad will be willing to attend this too.
i agree with allgirls you
i agree with allgirls you need to just tell her this is how will be with sd6 or she will always be pushing her on you guys! You will have to be the bad guy when it comes to sd6 or this will continue and she will not stop. Will it get worse for a while? YEP! But keep going through the court and insisting on it just be ss4 and there is NO judge that will 'make' your dh take sd6 but he will make bm let your dh have ss4. That is how I would play that. Tell her that if she insists on sd6 coming that you will see her in court and will no longer have ANYTHING to do with sd6 if she keeps pushing but if she doesn't then you will take her when you can. As I said it will get worse before it gets better but at least it will get better at some point. If you continue this is will get worse and never better.
I will be shocked if the
I will be shocked if the meeting happens at all. You may be worrying for nothing.
I have been asked by BM at least a dozen times in three years to "sit down and talk things out". I always tell her "name the time and place" - NEVER happens.
IF it were to ever happen - I picture it like this:
BM says something rude and stupid at some point. I punch her in the face.
A face to face can be
A face to face can be dangerous. Hard for you and hard for her. I don't think anything will change either.
From following your blogs and post BM is going to blow a gasket when you tell her you will not be taking sd6, I do think it is the right thing to do, but I will be surprised if she takes it well. The bio father does need to be a bigger part of the picture. He is the father..sd6 needs to know that, and have a relationship with him.
You and your hubby need to be there as a united front knowing what you want and what you will leave with. Don't let her push you around, you need to protect your own family. Also have make sure that if you or he feels the need to bail and end the discussions you leave at the same time and together.
I will be thinking about you wishing all to go well.
Also make sure the meeting is in a neutral place.
Yeah, I don't think this will
Yeah, I don't think this will really change anything. But I feel like we have to do it just to have one of these under our belt....maybe so that it drives it home that a meeting like this makes no difference becase she's dumber than a doorknob and stubborn as a bull.
It WILL be in a neutral place...probably an area restaurant or something. And thank you for the suggestions because we will definitely be goign over thigns beforehand to make sure DH and I will be on teh same page.
I think you should absolutely
I think you should absolutely get the biodad of SD involved in this meeting! If any of the discussion is to involve "visitation" issues with her, he should be included. Is he even aware that BM has been sending the girl over to you? And how does your DH feel about cutting back visitations with her? I don't think I've ever heard you discuss his feelings on it.
DH has mixed feelings on it.
DH has mixed feelings on it. If he were home all the time at night this wouldn't be an issue. It's an issue because he is not here all the time so their whole argument that they want to maintain a relationship with SD6 and my DH is null and void if he's not even around. And he gets frustrated with the double standard that I listed above in #5.
Yes, her biodad knows that SD6 comes to our hosue still. I'm not sure if he knows that she is at our house every other week (atleast Sunday-Friday) but BM claims that "of course he knows that".
BM says "I have complete control over everything regarding SD6, her biodad has no say at all in anything. I will never take SD6 away from you [DH] to let her biodad have more time with her." -- this right there tells you that she is still punishing biodad for not being involved the first few years of sd's life (one weekend a month was all he used to see her -- so technically it's not like he was invisible to SD).
I wouldn't do this if I were
I wouldn't do this if I were you. Paragrahs 1 and 3 are strictly between you and your DH. This is something that you 2 need to work out. Paragrahs 2 and 5 are things that DH and BM should be discussing. DH should be speaking for both of you when he tells her that he will not be taking SD during those times.What the heck is wrong with her Biodad??? Why doesn't HE put his foot down?
Paragraph 4 was just pure folly on your part.
You are his wife. Your thoughts and feelings should be taken into consideration no matter what is going on. You should not have to defend yourself to his xwife for any reason. Thats what this meeting looks like to me. Tell your DH to clean up his own backyard and stop pitting you two against each other
You brought up a good point
You brought up a good point that this seems like a meeting for me to defend myself to his EX GIRLFRIEND. That's totally what this is. Arg!!! But honestly I see no way of getting out of this and I do know this has been a long time coming. But I am definitely discussing this point with DH first that I will not sit at that table defending myself and my actions to BM.
I wouldn't do this...This
I wouldn't do this...This just looks like an awful idea. If you do, I would insist on the Biodad being there as well.
5) The situation with SD6 has
5) The situation with SD6 has become a lot more strained and difficult. She comes to our house after spending the weekend with her biodad and she is really awkward with us like they've been telling her she shouldn't be coming here anymore. DH is expected to be her "daddy" during the week but there are certain situations where BM doesn't want him to go -- because it will be too "awkward" for everyone (like school functions)
This would be at the very tippy top of my list. This is absurd! She is playing games with this little girl and it makes me so angry every time I see one of your posts about it! Of course BM wants SD to come to your home with SS.. that is her only "alone" (read BAR)time, as she obviously still has SS when SD goes to her REAL father's house. She can't have her cake and eat it too, if she insists on SD coming and doing this pretend daddy crap, then pretend daddy should go to all school functions etc. whether BM is embarassed, feels awkward or not. Tough crap!
And if my DH ever told me that I should try to see the "good" in BM, he'd most likely be in a pile on the floor. Really??? After all this woman has done, your DH says that
Thank goodness you seem to be pretty level headed, I know how a meeting like this would go if I had to do it.... NOT GOOD. There would be 2 scenarios: 1. I would tell BM exactly what I felt about her nonsense (which of course would go over like a lead balloon) 2. I would keep my mouth shut for fear of saying something(see #1) and then would blow a gasket when I got home especially if DH played nicey, nicey and caved to every BM wish, want, need.
Good luck girl and be sure to keep us posted on how it goes!