Segmented lifestyles, do they ever work?
I am thinking about this situation and trying to determine if it would ever really work or if it would always be a source of hurt.
This concept in which my SO leads basically two lives. One with me, whatever that leads to and one with his daughter. It seems like he has determined that the best way to avoid conflict is to just keep these two lives seperated as much as possible.
For my sake, he tries to avoid his ex and doing "family" stuff the 3 of them. He just wants to spend time with his daughter, so he tries to take her places for the day (saturdays) And, i don't really mind having a day every week free to go plan my own activities. So, for now this kind of works. I do still feel a bit bad though that we can't do things together very easily. And, i feel like he has two lives which bothers me because i am not sure how to get rid of that line between them.
But, looking at the future i also can't imagine how this could work over the length of time. How could he continue to have two lives and every not be totally worn out by it? What if we were to get married some day.. would he keep going off to spend the day with his daughter every week while i did my own thing? This child is small now but what about when she's 12, 16, and so forth. Children begin to be more demanding of time and attention as they get older. More practices to run to, or drama going on that they need to talk to their parents about. Will i always just feel excluded from this other life? would it even work if i was?
does anyone have experience in this area? With skids that are not really part of YOUR life, just your husbands? That he keeps seperated from his life with you? does it work?
I just can't see if this is possible to keep up long-term. If we had our own kids, him leaving every saturday to spend the day with his "other" child. It just seems strange, and it's not a scenario i've ever been around so i can't visualize it at all. If anyone has experienced this, i'd love to hear about how it worked.
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after a certain point in a
after a certain point in a relationship, he should be trying to fit his 2 "halfs" together if he sees a future with you. you don't say how long you've been together but if the two of you are talking about a future together and he's not making an effort to blend, then i'd say something's off. does he bring you around his friends or other family members?
We did this for about the
We did this for about the first year and a half. After that we started blending. Eventually it works out. I do insist that he do things with his son by himself and I do things by myself with my son. It works pretty well for us. But, I also do not drive SS to practices and he doesn't take mine to his. We parent separately in the same house. 6 years later it works well for us. I still make SS favorite cookies and will watch TV with him and DH, but they do their own thing a lot of the time...
You will eventually blend these lives. But, if you like your peace and quiet as I do, I would go slow and make sure that he doesn't start asking you to do things for his kid. Slippery slope.
One of the things I whine
One of the things I whine about most often to my SO is our segmented lifestyles. I never thought to call it that, but basically I feel like we lead two separate lives a lot of the time. In our case it doesn't have much to do with skids. It's more just a quirk of his personality and having been conditioned through many years of a bad marriage to do his own thing. He doesn't make a point to keep SD away from me or to do things only with her...it's more like he has her along while doing his own thing (hardware store, garage work, yard work, etc). And then there was a period of time where I left the house when SD was there, but that's a different thread.
So even though it's for a different reason, I know how it feels to be "segmented". It works for some people, but I've learned that it is hard for me. There's that Love Language stuff where you figure out what your method of giving/receiving love is and how that affects your relationship. Turns out I'm a "Quality Time" person, so this lack of, well, quality time hurts me. He's an "Act of Service" person, so fixing my car is his way of saying I love and value you, whereas I want to hang out with just him.
This long background is to get around to saying that in regard to living a segmented lifestyle- it just depends. I know I'm not emotionally built for it, but some people are. I'm guessing if you're asking about it already, that it bothers you at least to some degree. If it's going to bother one of you, then it's probably not a healthy scenario.
I also think little kids are needier than older kids and obviously require more direct supervision. That aspect might actually improve for you. What I don't understand, though, is why you can't do things together. And when you say he "tries" to not do stuff as a family with his ex, does that mean he still does? Is the ex "making" him, or does he feel he has to "for the sake of the child", or does he just plain want to? This part has me the most worried for you- that he excludes you. That is not kind and loving to you.
"My DH only recently started
"My DH only recently started getting worn out by the whole two family business, that he has started setting some boundaries and expectations. I believe the body will follow the head. Meaning, IF the man finally takes a stand and parents his kids, everyone can fall into place. But if he chooses not to be a pack leader, and ties the hands of his spouse, his kids will become the pack leader and that's just unacceptable."
This is what goes on in my house - SD17 is the "shot-caller," and DW does whatever she says. DW also refuses to allow me to have any parental authority. I, too, think that it is ridiculous for a child to make all of the decisions, so I have disengaged. I have withdrawn somewhere around the orbit of Uranus. The "dual-quarterback" system works for us.
Thanks for the comments. I
Thanks for the comments. I think our live is segmented for two reaons. One would be that we both like having a little time apart. The other is that his ex freaks out every time his daughter is around me. He had to fight and fight with her to get her to accept that he will sometimes have her around me. But, he still felt like doing "activities" would cause more problems than it was worth. Meaning, if we did something fun the 3 of us then his ex would freak out and cause problems with visitation.
He just wants to be able to spend time with his child, and he doesn't want to bring a bunch of drama into her life more than they already have by divorcing. His ex on the other hand, although she doesn't want to get back together with him still hasn't let go of the image of "family" and thinks that they need to do things the 3 of them and act like a family once in awhile for the daughters sake.. (so she says, although i know it's her own sense of fulfillment that drives this i think) But the daughter is a good excuse.
He wants his daughter to be happy and healthy. And he wants to make me happy. And his ex (who is a counselor) uses a lot of methods to try and convince him that he needs to play family with her to give their daughter a sense of family so she will be healthy. But, i've also talked to him and explained why it's so terrible to live a lie. So, he tries to avoid situations where he would upset me, but also tries to avoid situations where he will upset his ex.
So, for right now it really feels like he segments his time with his daughter and his time with me. Bringing her around me is always this "big deal", instead of being insignificant thing such as grabbing lunch together on a day he has with his daughter. Maybe it's this invisible "big deal" feeling that bothers me and makes it feel segmented. Like we can't just meet for lunch because we are both in the same area on that day, and he happens to have his daughter with him.
(we've been together now for 3 years, the ex and daughter moved 5mins away 1 year ago which was the start of all of the drama)
Anyha - I can see merits to
Anyha - I can see merits to segmentation, especially if you don't intend to ever marry or live together. If you believe that the relationship has marriage in it's future then it seems like the arrangement will do more harm than good to the child. However, I'd have serious reservations about a man who's willing to mold his life around his ex's opinions....THAT will be a long row to hoe.
Thank you for this article!!
Thank you for this article!! If i could only get him to read it and really pay attention. i've been bugging him about boundaries for the last year. She is definately a high conflict person, although she tries to sound like a counselor when she talks about stuff, but she freaks out often as well and can't control her emotions.
I'll definately ask him to read this article. It says so much i've been trying to tell him. But, we all know it usually works better when a third party says it.
I tried to do that with my
I tried to do that with my exbf but I realized I didn't want half a life with the person I loved -- I wanted a whole life. I also realized that there was a serious problem when the only way we COULD be together is for me to stay away from his daughter, his mother, his "life" with them.
I DO think you can be married to someone though, without the expectation of "blending". I think you only need to be a spouse and be a kind person to a man's children and family, but the expectation of being a stepmother is unrealistic.
I just couldn't even be around his daughter or mother. That's not fair to me and it isn't fair to him. I want to be able to embrace my man's family, not have to avoid them and have him keep them all out of my life in order for us to stay together. That's crazy and I seriously don't it is sustainable...
IMHO, being a step parent is
IMHO, being a step parent is so hard to begin with. Being in a relationship where you feel disconnected or segmented from your SO takes its toll. I have a constant battle with my DH to make sure he keeps his boundaries when it comes to his ex. She is not the most important woman in his life anymore, therefore he does not have to do her bidding. If she doesn't like that you have a life with him and his child, that is her problem - not yours. If you plan to make the relationship work, you will have to eventually blend. Of course, you can decide how much blending you want to do. It is also important for you to take care of yourself first.
Anyha, You are asking a
Anyha,
You are asking a question I have struggled with for 17 years. My H has adult children who have always been a problem. There has not been a single day when you could describe them as being even respectful to me. They are awful. I finally said that I would no longer be around them and now H and I have separate lives much like you describe. I will not be around his 2 daughters, his ex, or the female in-laws, as they formed a group much like a band of 7th grade mean girls and created all kinds of problems.
But back to you...
Now is the time for you to have a talk with SO, preferably in the presence of a counselor trained in step issues, to state you need to be recognized as someone in his life who is important. Your SO can see his daughter separately from you for now because it seems to be working OK, but you need to know that your needs are important and that eventually, if the two of you are to keep your relationship healthy, he will have to talk to his ex and daughter about you and say, basically, that you are to be respected and he expects them to at least be civil to you. Your SO has some work to do.
But -- and this is the really hard part -- you need to be prepared for the possibility that your SO will not do what is needed to put an end to this dynamic of "shielding" his daughter from you and standing up for the both of you. Eventually you at least have to be recognized and he has to state that he will not tolerate any crap from them about you. Many men, for reasons I still find hard to understand, allow their daughters and ex-wives to call all the shots about "family" issues -- and these women will not ever see you as "family." To them, even if you marry your SO, you will always be an outsider and they will work very, very hard indeed (perhaps with the enthusiastic participation of female in-laws) to show you just how unimportant and meaningless you are. Every holiday, every birthday, every wedding, every funeral, every birth of a g-child, every fathers day, every mothers day, every single occasion imaginable, will be an opportunity for these people to snub you, and believe me, they'll use it for all it is worth. And unfortunately, it is common for your SO and all the other men tangentially involved to stand by and watch it happen.
I know I am painting a pretty harsh picture here, but it is a picture I wish someone had described for me 17 years ago. When you find yourself in this place, and your SO chooses to stand by and watch, there seem to be only two options open to you: get out and never look back or stay and live the "segmented" existence you describe.
I chose the latter. It is do-able, but as you have already surmised, it is a tough way to live. Frankly, I wouldn't recommend it. My H's worst daughter luckily lives out of state, but when she calls to speak to him on the phone I have to leave the room because to hear the two of them talk makes me feel sick, literally makes me feel sick to my stomach. Even after 17 years, I cannot accept that this man would give the time of day to someone who has been so vicious to his wife. Even after 17 years, I still feel the impact of how profoundly my H has let me down.
Anyha, you ask if this situation of separate lives, if it persists, will always be a source of hurt. My first thought was yes, it will always hurt, because even after 17 years it still hurts for me. But I guess one can always have hope. The hope I have, though, is for myself. I stopped hoping my s-daughters, in-laws, or husband would change; my hope now is that I can reach a place of peace, where I am indifferent to the cruelty of these people and the fact that my H can’t or won’t acknowledge that cruelty. My hope is that I can somehow find a way to transcend all of it and use what I have learned to help others in the same or similar circumstances. I hope my reply has helped you.
I wish you the best of luck anyha. I truly hope you can find a way to make this work and be happy. You deserve to be happy. We all do.