Just got a call from DH
The principal of SSs' school called him this morning. We had filled out an information sheet at the beginning of the year for the boys' stepfamily names to be listed in their parent/teacher/student orgnaization directory. The boys spend half their time with us and we support them in their school however we can, though we live out-of-district (BM moved 17 miles away and changed districts so that she could "get healthy and move on with her life"- yeah, right!!! It has been over a year now and she has grown even more unstable, even with her change of scenery.)
It seems that BM went to principal with a letter from her lawyer, claiming that she wanted my name and my children's names removed from the directory, that only parents' and legal guardians' names could be in there. The headmaster told DH he was sorry but that he had to comply because as it stands now, that is the language in the PTSO rules & regulations. I know that they have to comply with the in-district parent, but it is still really sad. We simply want the other parents and kids up there to know that the boys have a stepfamily, and to know our names if people wanted to have playdates, parties, etc...I imagine to the boys it must feel like they have a secret part of their lives that no one at school can know about.
Wonder if these directories had gone to print yet? We received the e-mail copy early last week. But more importantly, I hope with all my might that BM's drama will appear as ridiculous to others as it does to us.
Anyone else have experience with such school drama? Want to share? Situational sadness loves company!
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Hmmm, I don't think I and my
Hmmm, I don't think I and my children (who were SD's HALF siblings, not step) were ever included in the school directory.
That would be overstepping, IMHO.
The way to be familiar in name with SS's friends and have playdates is NOT through the directory, but rather through direct contact with SS's friends and their parents.
Wow- half-siblings, not even
Wow- half-siblings, not even stepsiblings- not included. I guess- not saying I don't think she's really paranoid and spiteful by saying this- I can see where BM would have an issue with my being in there. I share her kids' last name, after all, and I spend an equal, if not greater, amount of time with her children than she does.
But the kids? Seems really messed up, IMO. For someone to have an objection to children's classmates knowing that they have step- (or half-) siblings, just seems spiteful.
And, the directory would provide information needed to have the direct contact you mention.
I am sure that the next step will be her going in and demanding that I not be allowed on school grounds. (I go there quite rarely, to pick-up, or occasionally for a concert or other family function. But I know that this has happened to other stepparents.) Direct contact will be REALLY difficult once she does that!
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MJL
No- could she do that
No- could she do that legally?? Man, this runs deeper than I thought. Shootingstars, have you gone through something like this? Why would BM not want me there but once she put that into effect, say that DH couldn't see his kids? That absolutely cannot have legal legs- but I would put NOTHING past this woman!
Oh jeez, Shootingstars- I
Oh jeez, Shootingstars- I just reread your comment and think I misinterpreted what you were saying when I first replied.
No, I am not anything like BM. Not spiteful, not insecure, not wanting to use SSs as pawns in a sick game like she does, not wanting to destroy DH. Ugh. But you don't know me- I guess it was a fair question. I wasn't making an inference at all, just saying that if I can't be there to meet people and get their contact info and ask if they want to attend a party or do a playdate, I won't be able to have direct contact that OiVey recommended. We may or may not even receive a copy of the PTSO directory.
That makes me really sad. I
That makes me really sad. I think of SMs- at least some of the ones I've followed on here- as being the "sane" ones. Guess that's why making generalizations about any group of people is pretty dumb- there are sick, narcissistic people who would play games like that, everywhere!
It's a tough place to figure
It's a tough place to figure out. I'm so trusting that I assume that everyone is here for the same reason I am. I would have left too if I had felt that nastiness about skids was running rampant on the board. I also am surprised when I read about people (they call them 'trolls', I think) who are actually BMs looking to be mean on here. Steptalk is the first place I think to turn when BM does some new nasty thing, but I post rarely because the details are so many that it makes my head hurt to recount and try to explain. It's all so convoluted and it all swirls together into one big cyclone of crap. *Sigh.*
That is so messed up! If that
That is so messed up! If that type of nonsense happens in the state where we live, I am sure that BM will be pushing for it. Yuck. Thanks for the heads-up.
Good points about coaches &
Good points about coaches & medical care, HR; schools near us, in our council, do all medical stuff through the nurses' offices- especially PE in terms of elementary school- but I appreciate your point.
Also, reading everyone's responses (thank you all!) has helped me to realize that this is a pretty small issue in comparison with other issues- BM's massive PAS (it will be interesting to hear if she tells them anything about this- it will be one of those blurted-out things where they see it in our house if we get a copy, and the flood gates will open, DH and I will make eye contact, and one of us will write it down for documentation in our PAS journal), etc....
This is not something to be fought, but something to document for our upcoming case. Thank you again.
Thank you Ripley- but my kids
Thank you Ripley- but my kids ARE only- "only"???- how freaking sad that I would need to use that word- SSs stepsiblings, NOT half-siblings- I was responding to OiVey's comment. So I guess since there is no common DNA, that makes my kids completely without legal reason to be in there either.
Thank you, though, for your words of encouragement and empowerment. In a perfect world, I'd be able to push though they are just steps- no less a part of their lives because they don't share blood.
I kind of think this is
I kind of think this is overstepping...As long as both households are on there it is fine. But, I don't think Steps should be listed or the siblings.
I am pretty surprised to hear
I am pretty surprised to hear that so many think this is overstepping. It seemed to me like a non-issue. They live here 50% of the time. While they attend school there, they have two houses and a stepfamily. Why would all names of their family members not be in it?
Ex-H is soooooo lucky! If/when he marries his lovely GF, they will never have to go through what DH and I do- I think it makes perfect sense that the people at my kids' school should know the name of the woman who is their stepmother.
Ayayay.
Good Draco! It's always nice
Good Draco! It's always nice to hear about instances where sensibility reigns supreme!!
I don't know if some one has
I don't know if some one has mentioned this. But can you have seperate entries? I have three kids they all attended a private school. It was K-8th grade. We had two seperate entries in the Parent Handbook right next to each other because we share the same last name. It included my name as mother then the three kids with my contact info. Then Ex's name as father then the three kids with his contact info. Anyone who needed to get in touch with either me or Ex had our information.
I was (before BM brandished
I was (before BM brandished the letter from her attorney and demanded change) listed next to DH as the other adult that lives at our address, the boys' stepmother, and my kids- SSs' stepbrother and stepsister- were listed as siblings.
I disagree that filling out a form for SSs' contact information because of my existence in the boys' lives- which include all the perks of helping them with homework, doing their laundry, cooking for them, packing their lunches, taking them places, tucking them in at night, and ALL! the other things that stepmothers and stepfathers do- is "pushing it". Nonsense like this is why Steptalk exists, why stepfamily support organizations exist. So, while I can somewhat understand why BM is bitter, I do not think that I was "pushing" anything.
I do, however, HR, agree with you that my trying to change this would make me seem to the school like the cloven-hooved demon BM has convinced herself I am (again, just for existing). It would absolutely kill credibility and I intend to just let it lie as yet another example of BM's insecurity.
There's nothing *TO* fight, as stepparents have no rights anyway!
Thanks for an idea about a
Thanks for an idea about a solution, Newstep! But DH's name will be in the directory- it is just that my name was next to his at our address, and SSs' stepbrother and stepsister were listed as their siblings in the directory. That was what was unacceptable in BM's eyes. So to the school community where the boys go, BM's name and address and DH's name and address will appear- no dirty secret stepfamily to shatter the illusion. Oh well. There are big things to fight, and after a day of sitting with it and reading other people's ideas about it, I have realized that this is yet another small thing that is not worth fighting. It just showcases BM's insecurity. And again, there is nothing to fight even if we thought it was a "big thing"; the stepfamily has no rights at all. Sad.
The kids' schools where I
The kids' schools where I live actually have an area for stepparent info on their information cards. 4 separate boxes, for mother, father, stepmother and stepfather. And when we give info for a contact list (in classes, or sports teams) we always just have 2 entries, 1 for DH and me, and the other for BM and her husband.
I am with FormerAAGirl that the more people who love a child, the better. My ex is lucky too in that I love my DS10's stepmother and her involvement in his life. I just wish BM thought that way too... Ugh. Sometimes after having issues with BM I will email DS's stepmother and tell her again that I am grateful for all she does for my son and if I ever do or say anything bitchy to please smack me because it won't be intentional! LOL!!
Anne, wow- that is really
Anne, wow- that is really wonderful, and- dare I say it- progressive! I'm glad that your district does this! May I please contact you off-list to ask you some questions about this?
Also, I love that you get along so well with your kids' stepmom. At one point, before all the terrorizing BM has put us through, before all the legal nonsense, before all the abuse and constant harassment and alienation, I would have done anything- did TRY to do anything- to help her. I used to be so optimistic about this whole business. I think that optimist is still in here somewhere but man, am I tired. It really soothes my heart to hear about your family.