SD12 talks about her Mother almost NON-STOP!
No matter what I do with my SD12, she ALWAYS shares a story about her Mom doing something equally as nice or funny. At first, I thought she felt guilty for hanging out and having so much fun with me considering her Mother and I don't get along at all. But, now, I'm not sure.
I have taken her to get a mani/pedi. The result? "Oh, Mom and I went to another place and "x" happened."
Good, bad or indifferent... there's always a story.
The other night, she was craving Mac and Cheese at 10:00 at night after seeing it on TV. Since she was tracked out of school and could stay up a little later, I surprised her with a warm bowlful and said, "Sometimes, you just have to give in to your cravings, Kiddo." The result? "Thanks!!! Mom did the nicest thing for me. Awhile ago she ran to the store and got me potato chips that I wanted."
These are just a couple examples. This week alone, she brought up stories about her Mother over twenty times. Yup. Over twenty. I know she has a rocky relationship with her Mother and she might also be over-compensating. She's definitely not doing it out of malice, but I literally cannot do ANYTHING with her without a story about Mom coming up. I'm beyond annoyed and almost hurt by it because this is the same woman that has caused havoc on our lives. It's making me want to pull away and not do so much for her or spend so much time with her. I am not sure if I should talk to her about it or just continue to try and have thick skin.
HELP! Any thoughts on this one?
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Comments
She is 12 and she should
She is 12 and she should understand if you just talk to her. You don't want to withdraw from her especially if you two have a good relationship now after all the teenage years are about to start and that can be tough.
Just let her know that it makes you feel like she is trying to compare the two of you. Let her know that her mom will always be her mom and you don't want to change that it is just hard for you to hear all the great things that they do together when you are trying to build a relationship with her.
Thank you for your response.
Thank you for your response. I will definitely talk to her about it next week.
i would just quit doing
i would just quit doing things with her that cost money. if you are sopending your time and your money to only not enjoy it yourself, quit, it doesn't sting as bad if you haven't wasted your time and spent your money......
i'm not saying IGNORE her, but obviously your special attention is getting you no where....
or maybe she does the same thing to her mom with stories about you, trying to milk you both and get the most out of it.... i only say that, b/c that sounds like something my selfish self-entitle sd would do.... i don't take her for mani/pedi's anymore, we don't go shopping anymore and i damn sure don't take her to theme parks anymore...
I'm definitely going to
I'm definitely going to throttle way back on doing things with her. I most certainly feel as if I end up wasting time and money on her a lot. Thanks for your reply.
My SD12 does the same
My SD12 does the same thing!!! Drives me crazy she makes her mom out to be some kind of saint. She also will go home to her mom's and try to get her mom to do the same stuff I do with her. So I think she may talk about me to her BM as well. I hope it drives the BM crazy like it does me }:)
Oh, it does. That's part of
Oh, it does. That's part of the reason I want to tred lightly...because BM just rolls her eyes at her or blows her off.
I agree. It IS rude. You
I agree. It IS rude. You are a good person for stopping her.
Well all credit to you for
Well all credit to you for making such an effort to bond with your SD, it sounds like you are developing a good relationship with her so you probably do need to address this issue with her otherwise it is understandably going to cause increasing resentment on your part and jeapordise that relationship. When you're trying to make a fresh start with your partner you don't want to be constantly reminded of the wife that came before, and when you're trying to forge your own relationship with his children you don't want to feel you're constantly being compared to their mother.
It always grates on me when my stepchildren recite stories about their mother, who has also wreaked havoc on our lives, although they don't do it with anything like the frequency you are experiencing so I have never made an issue out of it. I just laugh and act interested. All my stepchildren are well aware that their mother dislikes me and blames me for DH leaving but I don't think any of them know that I detest their mother because I have bitten my tongue and avoided any confrontations or bitching. So they don't tell these stories to rile or undermine me but because it seems natural to them to talk about recent events that include her, and they like to be able to present her in a positive light.
If your SD's references to her mother are as intrusive as you say then I would gently talk to her about it. From the sound of it you are right and she is overcompensating on the PR front because she feels insecure about her relationship with her mother. It's as though they feel that if they provide evidence that their mum is kind and thoughtful and cool and generous then it will be true. I have seen this with my SKids who are well aware that their mother has issues, especially with alcohol, but like to brush over it and focus on the 'positive' message that she is kooky and crazy and fun. Children want to feel good about their parents because their parents are part of them. Your SD may feel guilty for enjoying the things she is doing with you and feel the need to remind herself and you about her mother.
Perhaps you could say something along the lines of "I know you love your mum very much and have lots of good times with her, and it's nice to hear about that(!), but I notice that whenever we do things together you seem to compare it to things you have done with your Mum rather than just enjoying what we're doing. Are you worried about enjoying yourself with me? . Because I just want you to know that I'm not trying to be a mum to you, but I would like to be a good stepmum to you and I think it's important that we have our special times together too without always having to compare it to things you do with your mum."
You hit the nail on the head.
You hit the nail on the head. Wow. I read your response multiple times and can't thank you enough. I will absolutely speak to her next week. Thank you so much for your reply.
Wow...That's very
Wow...That's very interesting...
I like the advice to talk to her...I think she's mature enough to understand.
I don't think I'll have to deal with this with SD (I think...and hope). DH has trained SD not to talk about her mother at all because initially (after we were married) SD would bring us messages that her mother would send. DH got tired of telling her that whatever she said was either untrue or not nice (or both), so he just instituted a rule of not saying anything about her mother...Just nipped it completely in the bud...and it's worked...we don't hear a thing about her mom...