Dear Biological Mother,
It's your arch enemy the step mom. I really enjoy getting my daily laugh out of the lists and restrictions you feel you can put on me in my own home. I am fully capable of understanding what BOUNDARIES are and have enough common sense to understand when and where I am needed. I am fully aware that I am not your child(ren)'s mother and while I may help raise them because you are a worthless piece of crap/too busy partying it up/non exsistant, that fact does not escape me. However, I am tired of you thinking because you are the MOOOOOOM you can do whatever you want when it comes to MY husband and MY home. So hunny, here are a few rules for you.

1) Don't buy presents from the kids for my husband. - I am fully capable of getting in my car and driving to the store with the kids and having them pick out something for my husband for father's day or his birthday or Christmas. I am fully capable of having them actually make him something that reflects their interests and then instead of making it myself. Also, and though you will disagree, I know my husband's interests as of this moment in time. You may have been with him first, but I can pretty much guarantee he is not the same person he was when he was with you, therefore that gargoyle fountain that you think he would just love and buy for him under the guise of it being from SD and SS because you think a turkey fryer is stupid, yeah...no....

2) Don't come to my house and start crap. - I stay away from your house as much as humanly possible. I know what it feels like to have my territory invaded (cough cough) and I am not a big fan. It's inevitable that you will HAVE to come to my house at some point to pick up/drop off the kids. It does not need to end with a shouting match in my driveway with my husband, especially not in front of the kids. Stay your fat ass in your car, if you get antsy I'll even let you honk your horn and not grind my teeth about it. Trust me, DH and I are well aware of when you show up, and as soon as your car pulls in the driveway, we are corraling the kids out the door to avoid interaction with you on a personal level.

3) Don't talk to me. - If you haven't spoken to me in five years, don't suddenly think you are going to pass on vital information about the kids to me. I don't particularly want to speak with you. You had kids with my husband. Talk to him. Especially if you are just going to send him an e-mail with the exact same information later, there's no need to speak with me. I'm perfectly happy getting the information from my husband thank you.

4) The kids have a father. - I know you'd like to pretend that they don't or that your current significant other is their real father. However, they have one and regardless of how YOU feel about him, he is involved in their well being. Don't try to shut him out of medical decisions, leave him off school forms, or get mad when their father does something for the kids. At the end of the day, these kids need BOTH their parents and honestly you should be grateful that their father fights so hard for them, because not everyone would.

5) I am not the enemy. - Yes, I loath you. On a personal level I would never be friends with you because I find you disturbing. However, I am not the enemy. I don't live my life solely to make your children love me more than you or try to replace you as their mother. They and I both know that I didn't give birth to them. Children need people who love them, and guess what I love them, and you need to get over it.

6) Imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery but it's really creepy... - You do realize when you show up at my house in a brand new car after I just bought one, I'm standing in the living room laughing at you right? When you go out and buy the exact same couch I have, and I find out about it (trust me, I'll find out) it's really kind of pathetic. I know it's hard to be your own person, but trust me, you'll never get an inch of my awesomeness so don't bother trying. Not to mention, you don't look near as good in skirts as I do.

7) Don't expect me to sit around and wait for you to get off your butt to do a first. - I understand that you may want to do the first mani/pedi with your daughter. I understand that you may want to be the one that teaches her all about shaving her legs. However, do not expect me to sit around and wait for you to hop to it, especially when your daughter is running around looking like Chewbacca. I'm not going to sit there and let the children suffer because you are lazy. And trust me, whatever "wrath" you come up with after they come home rolls off my shoulders because I know I still did the right thing no matter how pissed off you are about it. If your daughter begs you to get her ears pierced for five months and you put it off, you loose your right to yell at me and my husband about taking her. So suck it up and try being pro-active if you want these firsts.

8 ) Co-parenting needs to be consistant, not just when it's what YOU want. - So SS punched a kid in the stomach and you want him grounded. Wonderful, we are happy to invoke the same restriction period at our house. However, when SD gets written up at school for yelling at her teacher and we ground her, we expect the same curtosy from you. I don't care if your grandfather is in a nursing home. I don't care if your mother is visiting. If you want to co-parent, fantastic, but it needs to be all the time, not just when it's convienent for you. Trust me, if we don't think a punishment is appropriate, we will tell you and the kids tell it when you let them watch Prince of Persia at midnight instead of them being grounded from the TV for not doing their homework....

9) Look up your children's schedules. - I am not your slave. I know you know my husband didn't suddenly get responsible (he is a man after all) and start keeping up with the kids schedules on his own. That would be me. However, if you think that I am going to e-mail you once a week with reminders...that would be a no. I don't care that you are going to school, and have three whole people's schedules to keep up with and work full time cause guess what, I do the same with more people and manage to do it just fine. It doesn't affect me when you don't show up at Open House but trust me, your kid notices, and it's not my husband's fault you didn't get the memo...

10) At least pretend you respect the things we choose to share with the kids. - So I chose to make sure that your daughter doesn't read inappropriate books on her own by pre-screening supernatural tween fiction and allowing her to read a selection of books. There's no need to be a jerk about it and there's no need to throw my books in the trash can. This is something that your daughter and I share. So I take your son cat fishing sometimes. There's really no need to talk bad about it and tell him that's stupid and we are broke and lazy therefore we don't do anything FUN with them. Guess what, up until two seconds ago, cat fishing WAS fun to him. If you want to waste thousands of dollars on movies, pizza, go carts, etc, that's fine, go right ahead, but this family is still trying to live after you get your massive child support so excuse us if we try to show the kids joy in the little things. Do your thing, and we will do ours.

11) Child Support, learn what it is for. - We are not giving you extra money for rollerblades. We are not giving you extra money for school clothes. We are not giving you extra money for pedicures or your car note. It is not our problem if you just went and bought a house and a brand new fridge and you are strapped until the end of the year. That was YOUR choice. Not ours. And it sure didn't cure your Jimmy Choo's habit. We do for the kids on our time AND we pay child support. Child support is FOR THE CHILDREN. I know it's a hard concept but that's the cover things for the child....and no, letting SD wear your Manolo's to church does not count.

12) Stay away from your ex's family. - Guess what? You cheated and left their son/grandson/brother for another man. THEY DON'T LIKE YOU ANYMORE. They might be nice to your face because you are half the reigns to their grandchildren/neices/nephews but they despise you. You aren't invited to family reuinions. You aren't invited to birthday parties. And you sure as hell aren't invited to read the eulogy at Memaw's funeral. Doesn't your new man have a family? Go bug them please. This also applies to my husband's friends. Especially the life long ones.

13) You aren't getting me in trouble. - Those little jabs you try to make at me by telling my husband something I said/did, those aren't getting me in trouble. I can make you a bet that anything I say or do, my husband either approves or knows about in advance, especially when it comes to the kids. And by the way, we have better things to do than sit around and talk smack about you.

14) I don't "play house". - Just saying.

15) My personal life is really non of your concern. - Unless I'm a stripper and taking your kids to work with me, my personal life is non of your concern. Pumping the kids for information on my promotion, or what my husband bought me for my 30th birthday, or how we could afford to re-tile the house really makes you look pathetic and childish. Besides the fact that it's non of your damn business and our financial decisions aren't something we share with the kids anyway. Duh.

16) Get Over Your Uterus - Just because I didn't have my own children doesn't mean I don't know how to take care of one. So when your child has bronchitis, don't get pissed off when I tell you and happen to be right just because YOU didn't diagnose it. I know how to take care of a sick kid, a happy kid, a sad kid, a loving kid. Just because I didn't turn my vagina into a clown car doesn't mean I can't parent.

17.) If you start off threatening to kill me and being hateful, do not expect me to believe you've changed or start being your BFF because you're acting sane for 15 minutes one day. I know your history, and I know how you are. I don't trust you, and I don't like you, and I don't really care if you want to apologize. It's not happening, because I know you'll just do the same thing next time you have another imagined slight.

18.) My husband is NOT your friend. I know you think you have secrets with him and he doesn't tell me what you say, but guess what: he DOES. If he liked you enough to be your friend, I'm sure you could have made your relationship work, but he doesn't, because you're insane.

19.) Get a JOB. If you cannot afford to live without the child support coming in, get off your ass and get a job. If you're a stay at home mom, fine, but that is your and your husband/baby daddy's choice, and again, if you cannot afford to live without the CS coming in, it's probably a bad one. Lack of financial planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on our part.

20) Dont play martyr with ME! You chose to have these kids, you chose to divorce, you chose to have this woe-is-me attitude when it suits you - but thats not MY problem - its yours, so dont expect sympathy for decisions you chose to make. Your fuck ups belong purely with you, and your accomplishments making your life oh-so-hard dont make me feel for you. They make me laugh at your terrible prioritising skills.

21)My income does not entitle you to get more money from your ex. Buying myself a car with my money from my job that I go to every single day and bust my ass at does not mean that you should be getting more CS. I am not responsible for your child. my money and what I buy with it is none of your business.

22)The strain your CS obligation to my SS puts on your ability to support your subsequent and non joint spawn is not my problem. You had three more out of wedlock spawn with two more donors. Deal with it. And damned straight I am going to have my spouse go for more CS when you bitch, moan and whine about how unfair the consequences of your dipshit decisions are. You may not like the fact that my SS gets priority over your subsequent spawn. He is your oldest and should not suffer because of your inability to learn from the mistakes of your youth. If you can't feed'em don't breed'em.

23) Parking your kid in front of a video game or playing WoW all night with him is not parenting. Yes, you ARE responsible for him nearly failing HS and if it were not for his dad I forcibly extricating his head from his ass my SS would be living on your couch, playing video games just like you. Spounging off of your parents does not make you a viable adult.

24) You do not get an opinion on parenting my SKids until you can support yourself without CS from my husband. No job, no opinion so STFU until you are a contributing member of society and not and entitlement and CS whore.

25) I have been married to my husband for far longer than you were with him. In fact he married me and refused to marry you. He chose me to be his wife, spend his life with and help him raise his children. I have his present and his future. You should consider that all you have of him is his past before you fill his children with your revisionist recollections of the past. Most importantly you must never forget that the youngest one you tried to claim was his ... is not. You cheated which was the last straw for my husband. You should be greatful that we accept your youngest child in to our home as one of our own with his older sister and brothers. We are the people of character in the lives of your children. You are not.