Disengaging is much harder than I thought....other's who have disengaged, please help!!
Disengaging is much harder than I thought. I want to just let go and not care when or if SD16 and SS18 get home, etc., but it ticks me off when they miss curfew or when their dad (my DH) is so easy on them, but wasn't on his first daughter. Or for that matter, he is easier on the boys than he is on the girls! What the heck!??
So SS18 hung out with his girlfriend last night. We were out of town. SS21, BD17, and SD16 were all home so I knew that he wouldn't bring his girlfriend home to our house. His curfew is midnight -- that's what its been for all the kids. The way we figure is nothing good happens after midnight. If they have something specific they are doing, there is an exception made, but if they are just out dinking around, midnight it is.
So I text both my BD17 and SS21 and SS18 to see if he's made it home. Nobody responds. So my DH tells me to let him handle it. So I do. SS18 tells DH that he was spending the night at his friend's house. Basically, he does that so he doesn't have to have a curfew and then comes home very early in the morning, ie 6 am. When SD22 did this, DH had a cow and they would fight over this because SD22 was out partying and drinking -- of course DH said "she wouldn't do that!" Of course not. But she WAS AND she was out screwing around with a guy and got pregnant! Ahem....so, when SS18 tells us that he spent the night at his friend's house.....I stewed because my husband just let it go at that.
I finally asked him "so what time did you get in at friend's house?" Because here's the deal....SS18 was with his girlfriend till clear up until midnight then goes to his friend's house??!! Seriously!? He says he got there right about midnight. I said "really?" He starts laughing and says "what...you don't believe me?" I flat out told him "no I don't." I told him I thought he was with his girlfriend. I asked him if friend's mother could verify that he was there, and he said that she was sleeping when he got there and sleeping when he left --- at 5 am. Seriously.
So my husband is sitting there through this entire conversation and not saying a word! I want to scream at him to "wake up!"
So tonight SD16 wanted to go out with some friends and play this dumb game at night that they do, and he first told her she had to be home by 11 pm.....then he bumped it to 11:30 pm because she said that she couldn't make it back in time if she was to play the game, etc. I said "maybe she shouldn't go then." So her Dad caves and lets her go. Whatever. She is irresponsible with her car already, and that is what I'm worried about.
But here's the deal....WHY DO I CARE!??? Why can't I just not care and let him parent them the way he wants to parent them ....which is not how I would parent them! I'm so irritated with myself tonight I want to scream.
Other's who have disengaged, please help! I need it definitely.
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I have the same problem
I have the same problem myself and I think we care about them and know the seriously troubled direction they are heading to. We do not have "heart strings" attached to them because they are not biologically ours so we can set the boundary without any one "pulling" on those "heart strings". Unfortunately, the BF I think don't want to be the "bad person", plus in my situation my husband is not familiar to being the consistent disciplinarian.
I have recently found that when I am in the "thick" of a parenting tug of war with my husband, I stop, and say to myself...Is this worth the tension and discord between the two of us? Is this very serious? (pick your battles) and then I say to myself "these are not my children" and then walk away from the situation. We have all made our own share of parenting mistakes, our husbands are going to make theirs.
Blue - that is great advice
Blue - that is great advice -- "is it worth the tension and discord" .... great thoughts! And you're right ...these are not my children. And I just have to let my husband do this ....
It was hard to keep checking
It was hard to keep checking myself from doing or saying anything at first, I feel for you, I can tell you it does get easier though.
Ours were playing us off against each other, each of us got 'partial truths' and that led to problems so I disengaged with the disciplining of ours, DH and I only ever had fights when it came to those issues so I figured they are his kids after all and ultimately he is responsible for them, yep, all the way to secure juvenile detention center (know where she is and I can sleep better at nights now...sounds cruel but it's true) and all the way to other one moving out and desiring to be 'his own man' but still wanting the privelages of being at home. I am not hungry, I have a roof, I have clothing, I am happy with the things I do and I have some luxury in my life too. Let them all be, do, whatever!
My losing sleep over things that I am not in control of is silly in my opinion. Whenever they come to me with complaints I just refer them to DH, not my issue! I love them all, very much, they know it.
It been my experience that it's really is not until late teens that they do some serious thinking or introspection, they are still growing. I am only in charge of myself, right?
I have a very similar
I have a very similar situation with SD16. DH and I have been together for over 6 years. I have had numerous issues with SD and when I bring this to DH, his response would always be to just deal with it. When I did deal with it, I ended up always being the bad guy and being told to not be so hard on her. After years of being told that I should deal with the situation then being told how to do it with all of these rediculous boundaries, I finally decided that I will do it no more.
I have only been disengaging for the last 4 weeks so it is still fairly new to me. Like the first two comments, you have to learn when and how to pick your battles. I can't tell you how many times I have to tell myself to take a step back and that its not my problem. But I can tell you that my stress level is almost nonexistent.
Good luck!
When the kids are at the age
When the kids are at the age when they are out a lot, it is hard to enforce curfews, and you start to ask yourself, is it worth the hassle, especially if they are over 18 and offically adults.
However, what I DID do with my BDs when younger, was make rules for the sake of everyone living in the house, as I was NOT prepared to be disturbed (I am a light sleeper) until the early hours. If they come in late, they HAVE to (on pain of dismemberment) be quiet and considerate of people who are trying to sleep. There will be no late night calls for me to pick up unless its a real emergency, they have to share the cost of a taxi with their friends.
I have disengaged from the SD14 and SD16, and getting in late has not been a huge issue as they are only here EOW. However, I would expect the same rules to be in force, and have told my DH what my rules were. The younger one of course wouldn't be allowed out after about 11pm, but SD16 is going on 17 and I don't feel inclined to make a big thing about time, but definitely she is not going to disrupt my nights! I have told DH my taxi policy and he agrees with that.