Is it me??
I am new here and I already love this place. I have always felt alone when it came to venting about my stepchild. My husband got her mother pregnant while on a drunken escapade in the military and now we, meaning I, have to deal with it... I mean her. I have know my stepdaughter since she was 2 and I am the only stepmother she has ever know, I have had friends whose kids have met every fling bio dad brings home. My husband, for a VERY long time, did not want anything to do with his daughter. Her stepdad and his family accepted her as a one of their own from the very beginning. I have to admit that I am so jealous, I wish that I can accept her like that. I don't like feeling so distant from her, I don't like that just hearing her breath annoys me. I feel very bad for her, she is only 10 yrs old and has been thru so much. He mother is a drug addict, has left her alone with stranger while she got high for days.
She knows me as mom, she calls me and mom and tells me that she loves me. I tell her that I love her too, but it is a lie. We did not know her mother was drug addict and that my stepdaughter was being exposed to such a life style. We did not know that her mom and stepdad were divorced, no one was telling us anything, all we knew was that they were having problems, not that all hell had broken loose in that house. We have finally stepped in and taken my sd out of that house. She was used to coming with us for a few weeks in the summer and every other holiday, but this has been the longest she has been here. I am a strict type of parent, and so is my husband, my sd comes from a very permissive family so we are all having trouble trying to adjust.
I would really like to feel close to her, but I just don't feel it in me... SHE ANNOYS the CRAP out of ME! The way she talks, walks, sits, eats, even breaths annoys me. I feel HORRIBLE, buy it is the truth. One example, I am used to telling my bio son that if he is good then after dinner we may have ice cream or something, at the end of the day he has already forgotten. My sd on the other hand will NOT forget, not only does she not forget she asks about it the entire day. She came up to me and said... "mom, are we going to have dessert, because you said that we were probably going to have some ice cream?!" I tell her, "well, not today" she then says "well be sure that tomorrow we do.. ok?!!?" with an attitude. It annoys me that she expects something all the time.
I know that I should be patient and that there are lot of changes going on in her life, but I feel that if she wasn't around, life would be much easier. I do want the best for her, but sometimes I wish my life would be easier. Why did I marry a man with a kid, it is my fault... I knew he had a kid, but I never thought I would feel this way, I am so ashamed!
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Hi, I can imagine how you
Hi,
I can imagine how you feel. To be honest though, I wish I had such a good relationship with my SD. She is 17, acts out and disrespects her father in front of me (which drives me nuts-he still allows it) and we hate each other.
I do know it is hard, and that because she is not biologically 'yours' it will take some time to get used to her. Please try and remember though that she needs you (she has no one else) and she is trying to reach out to you. I imagine with time things will get better and you will get more used to her. Have you thought of going to therapy? I'm not wanting to offend you, but I have found it incredibly helpful. In fact, it is the only way I can get through miserable moments (plus some medication). Lately those moments have been more frequent.
Good luck, I hope things go better for you!
Hi & welcome! While I
Hi & welcome!
While I understand that you haven't "bonded" with your SD yet...I'm thinking you need to adjust your way of looking at her...it sounds like you are lumping her in with her druggie BM which isn't fair...she is a separate person & should be treated as such. Trust me, I get that Skids can be annoying...I've got SS8 & SD7 full time as my SO is CP. Some days, it's all I can do to remove myself from their presence...the days when nothing I say or do makes a lick of difference to them...it happens. I'm lucky because my SO backs me up 100% but it can get old REALLY quick!
Regarding the ice cream through...really? Most children will remind you of ice cream if it's been put on offer. If I said something like that to a kid, whether it be my Skids, nieces, nephews or friends kids...they would expect me to back up my offer. Doesn't it make sense NOT TO OFFER SOMETHING if you don't plan on following through? I put my foot down with nagging (constant reminders of a plan/idea/promise) but I don't understand your logic...sorry!
Please, find a couple that
Please, find a couple that really want a child and hand her over.
You're mad at that girl because you promised her ice cream, she's excited and doesn't want you to forget...then you tell her, "well, not today". Then SHE lets you off the hook in hopes that "tomorrow" she can have it??
SHe's been lied to, and you feel she has ATTITUDE?? Her life has been hell before she comes to live with you, and you can't stand to hear her breathe? OMG, heavens help this child.
That is so sad. That poor kid. No one wants her...I think she pretty much understands that, if not, she will in short time.
THe one person she looks up.....YOU!!!!....she calls you MOm because the kid wants a MOM in her life. And you look at her and treat her this way.
DO this girl the biggest favor and find someone who will love her, take time for her, and doesn't take making their poor choices out on this girl.
This is one of the most pathetic posts I've ever read.
I thought this was a place to
I thought this was a place to VENT!!! If you don't like what I wrote then don't read it. I do not appreciate your negativity!
I don't get along w/my own
I don't get along w/my own SD(27), because she's an adult and the dynamics are different. But in your case, I have to agree w/the others.
Your SD sounds desperate for a loving mom and you're the person she's looking to for that. I hope you can find it in your heart to make an effort to bond w/her.
Also, regarding the ice cream, don't make promises you don't intend to keep. I think the reason your BS would forget the offer of ice cream is because it's something that he used to, so getting ice cream is no big deal. She on the other hand has a history of trauma and was likely not privy to such treats.
You yourself said she's been through alot, why not vow to make a positive difference in her life so she'll have a better chance of overcoming her past. Get her counseling if necessary. You've been put in position to make a huge impact in her life and her future. Enough people have already let her down. Don't add to that list.
Sounds like your SD developed
Sounds like your SD developed trust issues while being seriously neglected by her BM. At 10, now living with you and calling you Mom (I'm jealous of that!) it also sounds like she's trying to create a bond with you. It's going to take time for her to learn she can trust adults, and only your perseverance and consistency (along with DH's full involvementand support to you) will bring her around eventually. Be prepared for more hiccups in the relationship when she becomes an adolescent, which is soon! I have no great ideas how you can bond with her, and try to understand that she's been neglected so her mental and emotional development may just be stunted. It's really not her fault. I can't bear the thought of my own SD16, but she's now old enough to know better and she made her choice NOT to have a relationship with her father and me, so I fully and willingly disengage. I tried so hard in the beginning, and knew she had bonding issues, but I found the balance to "be there" for her when she needed me. Believe me, she did/does the same thing to me as your SD about food, with the attitude.
I feel for you, and understand that it's not your child. It's frustrating to have to feel that way, and I did what lloraine above suggested, I got thereapy to help me with the anger and resentment I feel about my SD who was programmed by her idiot BM to hate us for imaginary reasons.
Anyway, good luck and I hope you can find a little room for giving your SD a chance at finding her place in your family.
Maybe your son doesn't ask
Maybe your son doesn't ask about the ice cream because he is use to you not keeping your word. If this continues, your SD will start to "forget" what you say as well.
No, it’s not you. It’s the
No, it’s not you. It’s the situation. You deserve applause for taking on the responsibility for rearing this young girl while her mother is too sick with her addictions to be anything but harmful to her child.
You are experiencing a visceral reaction to your SD that might well be fear based. You experience her as different from your son and that is because she is different from your son. Genetic siblings are also very different from each other. Even though it is rarely admitted, more than a few parents struggle with feelings of ambivalence even toward their biological children.
The feelings of doubt and ambivalence that you are experiencing are completely normal although shameful and frightening to you. But once you make the decision to fully commit to parenting the girl it will go easier for you because throwing your heart fully behind a decision infuses one with the energy and drive to see it through. But don’t demand of yourself or let anyone else demand of you that you instantly love her. Love may very well develop as you share more time and experiences with her. Love cannot be forced and indecision is a very painful place to be.
Yes your life would be easier without the additional responsibility of parenting your SD but in the end you may well find your life much fuller with SD in it.
sure
sure dorthyparkswannebe....keep the kid, lie to her, hate the fact that she breathes and feel that if she wasn't around, life would better.
WOuld you want to live with someone who felt that way about you? Huh? If something happened to you and the SM of your kid felt this way, you'd want that SM raising your kid??
Wow, I guess some have lowered their standards on the treatment of a kid in dire need of emotional and physical love. Yeah, whats makes this little girl so special that she shouldn't be bullied and unwanted.
You make a lot sense.
I do NOT mistreat my SD. I
I do NOT mistreat my SD. I give her EVERYTHING I give my BS. I sometimes give her MORE!! AGAIN, ISN'T THIS A PLACE TO VENT!!!!
This is definitely a place to
This is definitely a place to vent. I think people are being too harsh on you. Obviously you don't treat the kid like trash. You just have these feelings of resentment and felt you could get them out here. I believe you just find yourself wishing things were different sometimes. As many of us do!! Brush the negative comments off.
I stand firm with everything
I stand firm with everything I've written about this issue.
Perhaps you shoud reread the post and rethink your stand.
Thank you, that is really
Thank you, that is really helpful advice. I WANT to bond with her, but it will take time. I never felt this resentful towards her before, but then again she has never been with us for this long before. I just hope things get better soon and that she and I can find a comfortable place and live in peace. Like I said in my post, I don't like feeling this way I WANT to have a good relationship with her. THANK YOU!!
I wouldn't beat yourself up
I wouldn't beat yourself up about this post. I think many of us have felt the same way. It comes and goes for me. Some days I enjoy spending time with SD, other days I wish I could run away. LOL...welcome!!