consequences.
This is more of a vent/rant... But I would also like to know what everyone thinks about it, because I don't feel like I've done anything wrong. FDH feels definitely.
So yesterday was just a bad day all around, back talk, attitude, and defiance from SD3. I had had enough of the not listening by about 6pm (from both SD3 and DD21mo). After dinner I told SD that if she was good and listened that she and DD could have some ice cream for dessert. FDH agreed. But once FDH left to run a few arrends SD heathen. FDH was only gone maybe 45mins. I had given SD so many chances to keep her ice cream privilege, but she was being defiant. (Jumping on thecouch, ppushing DD21mo, and talking back. I had given her 3 warnings (if your not gonna stop jumping on the couch you're not getting ice cream.) She didn't listen. So I took the ice creamaway. A cconsequence to her actions. When FDH got home I heard SD ask him when she was getting her ice cream. I told both FDH and SD I had already said no because ABC reasons. 30 mins later SD told me, 'I'm being good now. I want some ice cream,' to which my reply 'yes, thank you for being good, but your still not getting any ice cream because you didn't want to listen when Dad wasn't home.'
FDH thinks I was being to 'hard' on SD. But its not like I gave anyone else ice cream, DD, though I know shes too young to understand or care about it didn't get any either. FDH tried to get me to give them ice cream, but I stuck to my guns and said 'if they would have listened while you were gone they would get some, but they didn't, they need to learn that I'm not going to go back on my word.' FDH's reply 'but they are being good NOW, and I think they deserve to be rewarded.' Again I said 'notwith iice cream, cause I took it away. A simple thank you for being good should be enough for now.'
Needless to say FDH was pissy the rest of the night because I would not back down... Was I being to hard on SD and DD? If so when should kids start to learn consequences for their actions?
I agree, and I'm not saying
I agree, and I'm not saying that my DD is any angel, but at the same token shes only 1. I do my best to look past what erks me with SD, because I know when DD reaches her age she will push the same buttons. But on the other hand I can't allow a 3yo to tell me she's not going to do something I ask her to do, or tell me that she's being mean cause she doesn't like something I said. Like last night, I say 'okay, you don't want to listen you don't get your treat.' SD's response 'I want ice cream, and I'll ask dad when he gets home.' Me: 'No, cause I already told you... You're not getting it.' SD 'then I'll just be mean to you.' Me: 'okay, just know you'll be in time out.'
With BM SD would have gotten the ice cream, cause BM wouldn't want to 'deal' with the behavior. But I want to try my best to instil good mannors/behavior when SD IS here... I could give a rats ass how she acts with BM.
Like I told FDH last night, I am trying to raise upstanding citizens, not people who do poorly and expect the world on a silver platter.
Ahhhhh! My favorite topic.
Ahhhhh! My favorite topic. Consequences and accountability. You did fine IMHO. I for one would have taken the icecream priveledge as you did and after a few repeated pushings of the boundaries would have added a swat to the rump.
But that is just me.
We just spent a long weekend with friends for TG. There were kids at all of the events we attended including one with a rather rambunctious little girl (4yo) who insisted on jumping in and out of my lap for much of that evening. At one point she decided she was a cat and started meowing and scratching me with her claws. I asked her not to scratch. She stopped then after a few minutes without any warning reached up and raked her finger nails down one side of my face at which point I flipped her over in my lap and popped her ass with my hand. She freaked out, her mom freaked out and I calmly flipped her back over to a seated position in my lap and told her in a stern tone to sit still and be quiet. Her mom flew across the room to confront me about swatting her daugther on the rump as red welts weeping blood formed on my left cheek. The husband/dad saw the whole thing, took his wife by the arm and led her to the kitchen for a clarity session as everyone got back to celebrating TG.
A few minutes later mom approached me and appologized for her daughter. The kid stayed with me on and off for the rest of the evening. We had great conversations throughout the evening. I did not treat her like a drooling toddler, we talked about dolls, games, her coin purse, her pretty dress, her elder and younger brothers, her decorating the cupcakes with candy pearls and sprinkles,etc.
My application of consequences did not frighten the child away and I believe that my treating her like a young lady instead of a baby and holding her accountable for her scratching got the point across to her in a way that she understood.
For my part, I have thin lines of parallel scabs down my left cheek at work today and won't be shaving for a few days.
Kids do not need to be coddled. They need to be treated as little people and they need boundaries and consequences.
IMHO.
Thank you Rags for the story.
Thank you Rags for the story. And I agree 100%. Children should be held to the expectations we hold for them. Because when they get out into the world they will be chewed up and spit out... And I don't want to fail my children (SD included), and if they fail when they leave the nest then I know I must have done something wrong. I'd rather be the hard ass and EXPECT them to do well than just let them do as they please and have them expect that life will treat them the same way.
I agree with holding your
I agree with holding your ground on the ice cream. I wanted to add though, if you have a 3 yo talking back already, it's gonna be a LONG bumpy ride!
Yes I agree with you tog. I
Yes I agree with you tog. I have done this in the past with SD, and do this with DD, and plan on taking privileges away the first time they don't listen with my other children, once they are old enough to understand. But when I have done it in the past with SD FDH said I was being too harsh... So I went to the three waning rule I learned from teaching day care... He still thinks I'm too harsh with my punishments... I don't think it's anything serious, time outs, beloved toys taken for the day ect.
I do understand that it is going to be a long 15 years... FDH has told me that he is worried about letting our children down as a parent... But I believe that if you parent with the worry that their not going to like you, you are not going to do the child(ren) any good. Because no matter what you do there will be days that they won't like you... I expressed to him that we are here to teach and PARENT our children, not to be their friends.
I just hope one day he realizes this, until then I will have to keep to my guns, with SD our shared children, AND FDH.
The only difference in how I
The only difference in how I would've handled it is that I don't give warnings. My skids are 6 and 7 .. they know what acceptable behavior is.
If I tell them "you can have ice cream for dessert if you eat your dinner and behave", they know what that means. The first infraction loses the privilege.
As a side note, I'm not sure I ever would've even offered the treat if they behavior had been bad all day. When my skids have rough days like that, they don't get rewards, they get early bedtimes.