Need advice...giving the biodad opportunity to have more visitation with SD6.
I've asked advice on this matter before and gotten mixed results. I really want advice again as some things have changed.
Backstory: My fiance raised SD6 since she was a baby, although he's not her father. Fiance had a son with BM, SS3. After BM and FDH broke up, FDH continued taking both kids on his scheduled days, after all, SD called him Daddy and never really understood why she had 2 dad's. SD's biodad came back into the picture more consistently 2 years ago and started seeing her just one Saturday a month, but since this past fall, he now sees her every other weekend (the wknds we used to have her). SD6 still comes to our house during the week when we have visitation with SS3 (it is 2 days one week and 3 days the next week).
SD's biodad has been threatening BM with taking her to court to get more visitation with his daughter (they never actually put ANYTHING on paper) -- he wants to have her on the nights we currently do. On the one hand I don't blame him -- he pays BM child support and then she ships off her daughter to our house 2/3 days a week. That would piss me off! On the other hand it pisses both BM and FDH off because biodad didn't want to be involved for the first three years and now all of a sudden he does...but when I look at the big picture, this is a GOOD thing. She deserves to have a relationship with her father. He was young when he had her (19) and has since become much more stable, has a steady job and a responsible/nice girlfriend, and wants to be a father figure (of course FDH doesn't see it that way, he just gets pissed that he has been "daddy" all these years and now might have her "taken away" from him).
Anyways, current situation is that FDH is getting a new job. His visitation of SS3 is going to have to change...so I wonder if this is the "right" time to let biodad take SD6 during the week. Another issue is that since SD started going to her dad's on the weekends and started kindergarten, the relationship between SD and SS is TERRIBLE...constant fighting, bickering, SS is sooo sensitive and does anything bad to get attention. SS is the WORST kid when she's around...but he's a complete angel when we have him by himself on the weekends. It's so frustrating...and FDH has started to voice that maybe it's time to stop taking SD all the time because maybe it's too much chaos in both SD and SS's lives.
What I think would be best is to let SD6 have more of an open relationship with us where she can come over if she asks/wants to, but that she isn't obligated to come with her brother each time. I think it would make us all much more happy and give SD more stability and less chaos (she goes to so many houses a week, especially when you add the fact that BM gives them to her parents every opportunity she can). Also, every time I go to pick up the skids from daycare, SD says, "I'm coming with you? I thought Mommy was getting us tonight" -- she has no idea who's getting her, and also it really seems like she'd rather just stay with her mom some days. I think it'd be nice if the day before she called us and said, "Can I stay with you tomorrow night?" We would explain to SD how FDH isn't her bio daddy (she does know this but we'd re-explain it to make it clearer) and that her bio dad wants to see her during the week more often...and we'd explain that she is welcome at our house any time but that we wonder if she might want to stay with mommy/bio dad more often.
So I have some questions and need opinions.
* Do you think this will just put too much power in a 6-year-old's hands? Getting to "decide" whose house she wants to go to each night?
* Will this be too confusing for her little brother, SS3? He will HAVE to come to our house, per custody papers, so he isn't going to get a "choice".
* Do you think that BM will just take advantage when she wants a night off from skids and use us as a babysitter for SD6?
* Do you think this ultimately will hurt SD6?
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Comments
That is a really hard
That is a really hard situation
I do not think the child should EVER be the one to decide. It's way too much pressure, kids are fickle and easily influenced, and it sets everyone up to deal with a very difficult kid a few years down the road. Not a good idea.
I think if the father really wants to be involved and has become an responsible adult then he should absolutely get to spend time with his child. But in this case, I think your FDH has every right to maintain a relationship with this child he has raised for years and loves...
She already does go to
She already does go to biodad's every other weekend. And she used to see him one night a month...so she does "know" him and does already stay with him overnights. It'd just be adding in 2 nights a week that she normally comes to our house.
I like your idea of Friday night pizza or something like that. I have a coworker who's stepdaughter's little brother comes to her house sometimes. I think it'd be nice to be like that...not an obligation, just like asking if she can come to a friends house.
I think it's right to allow
I think it's right to allow her biodad to take on his role, even if it's come late in the game. You can never change what your FDH has been to this child. Their relationship will always have value. I think your solution to leave it an open choice for her to visit is a good one. I think explaining to her is best. And making her feel good about it. But I agree that what should be presented to her is what the adults decide, do not give a child that age such a burden to make a choice like that.
I think its good to expand
I think its good to expand the biodads role, she is still young and that will be the most important male model she will have, as much as it hurts your dh that is the one that will matter in the long run not your dh. Your dh will be important and she will know that he loves her but she needs to bond with her biodad.
Has your FDH and Bio dad ever
Has your FDH and Bio dad ever had a conversation in regards to this? It seems to me that these are the two people that are affected the most by the current situation (other than SD of course) and they really need to be on the same page and in agreement of whatever plan is devised. IMHO I don't think it is BM's call and certainly don't think it should be up to SD6 to decide where/when she wants to go with Bio Dad or your FDH.
IMHO I think that since Bio dad is back in the picture and has been trying to build a more solid relationship with his daughter that he should not be denied that right... whether he denied himself for years or not... I think he should be commended for trying to mend his past bad decisions. I think it took a lot of guts for him to come back into the picture knowing he would be perceived as the "dead beat, didn't care about his daughter for years" dad. As much as it hurts your FDH to give up visitation and such with SD, it's the right thing to do. And I hope that you don't perceive this next comment as snide because that is not my intention (hard to type your "tone" sometimes!) I think that your FDH really needs to look at the bottom line here, he treated SD as his own, let him call her daddy etc. but he should have been prepared for this from day one... she is not his child.
The issue is that over the
The issue is that over the years, FDH and biodad have not gotten along...this all stems from BM going back and forth between the two guys and cheating on FDH with biodad, etc. So that bad history makes communication really hard. I've been super supportive of FDH contacting biodad himself to work this all out, and every time he's *almost* ready to take that higher road, something happens that sends him back into biodad-hatred mode (just last week, biodad purposely kept the info that was sent home about sd's kindergarten graduation so that neither BM nor us would know about it to attend and he invited his entire entourage of a family to it....that's a whole other story there but just an example).
Anyway your 2nd paragraph I completely 100% agree with. It's getting FDH on the same page, making SD feel like we're not abandoning her, and also getting BM to agree with it....because BM would have to deal more often with the biodad and he's been really difficult with her lately so I'm sure she's not thrilled.
What do all of you think
What do all of you think about me contacting the biodad's girlfriend via Facebook? I've pondered this before. They've been together over a year, she really seems to have her crap together (she owns a business) and she really loves SD6. SD6 talks about her all the time. I wonder if this would be a good way to try to open up communication between us all?
Also I have another option...I go to the same salon where the biodad's gf's best friend works. I'm not really attached to any certain stylist so I'm considering making an appt with the friend and just chatting and seeing where it goes...if she'll put together who I am or not, who knows. But I wonder if that might also be a way of sort of letting the biodad and gf know that we do want to work together with them.
What do y'all think?