I think i get it now!! I really need some input on this one ... I may be off base?
I saw a statement from a fellow SM on the Stepmom magazine site:
"He doesn't have to choose between his kids and me, but he does need to make a conscious effort to include me and to build "our family" instead of trying to fit me in to his old family."
Boy does this really hit home for me!!! My BF & BM have been like BFF's -- while it's great they get along, to me it seemed as though there were boundary issues. I had put my foot down, spilled my tears & feelings and while i thought things were well -- a month ago that "family" had dinner together after SS15's game while i was at home with my sick BD. And i was FURIOUS!!
After several talks & tears & BF saying he will do ANYTHING for us to work i still can't shake the angry feelings inside, the disrespect, disloyalty to our relationship & the feeling of lost hope.
The dinner event consisted of BF saying to BM that he, SS15 & SD12 were headed for a bite to eat. SD12 then turns to BF & asks if BM & Gma could come along with them. BF told me he knew that i would be uncomfortable with this (we have a history with them doing family things & excluding me) BUT he could NOT tell SD12 no. In further conversation he stated that he is still sensitive to SS15 & SD12 in re to the divorce and wants to make sure it is not harder on them then it already is.
BF & I have been living together 3 yrs now. BF & BM have been divorced over 6 yrs. I couldn't help always feeling second best, like a roommate with benefits. I really don't see where - if ever - will i fit into this "relationship"? I do know that BF & BM do NOT want to be together. BM is happily committed for 3 1/2 yrs now -- i have no worries. To me - it seems as though BF has a hard time of wanting to give up the "old family". I told BF - if you can't say no to BM (which has happened in the past) and you can't say no to SD12 -- where do i stand?? Also - i am an EOW girlfriend -- when SD12 is with us -- they cuddle & hang out together ... I am sure you all know what i am talking about. I have said that our relationship needs to be a priority, he saids his kids are his priority, but if we do not have a strong relationship - we do not have a strong household.
An i off base here? Do i really a chance here? I would like your thoughts & input on this.
Thanks so much!!!
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By the way .... We have been
By the way .... We have been going to counseling for 1 1/2 yrs now (about every 1 1/2 months) and i talk to him about everything ... about every 2-3 months so he knows - he is just not getting it.
Believe me - we have had that
Believe me - we have had that meeting -- the reason for counseling. That came about not quite 2 yrs ago when my BD12 & I was invited then purposely uninvited to something because i was not "family" with no regard to my feelings. BF said there was nothing wrong with doing something with that "family". I almost moved out. While some things have gotten better -- the dinner issue a month ago reminded me that it still lingers - just in a lesser amount. BM used to be insecure about me & would try to exclude me from things & BF would enable it, but she has been better the last 6 months. She is not an issue anymore -- she (her presence - having a say) has almost fully moved out of MY house ... per me getting really mad.
Thanks for your comments! This is a tough situation.
I'd be so mad too about all
I'd be so mad too about all of this. And hurt.
It reminded me of my FDH's family. His parents have been divorced for about 20 years now, but they are civil and when we come to visit there are even occassions where we'll all go out to dinner together. However, if FDH's dad's wife were EXCLUDED...THAT would be WEIRD!
I can't imagine this...if your bf doesn't understand your discomfort with this, that's ridiculous. It's been long enough for the kids to "transition".
My thoughts exactly!! But
My thoughts exactly!! But when i say these things to him i feel like a cold hearted b!tch. My parents were divorced too and I had an SM and we would all do stuff together.
While we (BF, BM, BM's BF, all kids & I) ALL do things together like bday parties & sport activities .... i feel it crosses boundaries when it is just that "family".
Perfect example: I had to live with for 2 years of an 8x10 wedding pic of BF & BM on a wall of a bedroom that BD12 & SD12 shared. Along with an 8x10 their "family" photo. BF finally told SD12 that it needed to be taken down after the counselor said it was a no-no. (i had no say - it just appeared one day & no one asked me) So when SD12 was told they needed to come down there was a 2 hr screaming temper tantrum fight between her & my BF (this was about 4-5 months ago) I tried to tune it out but i did hear SD12 say -- "I want it up there! I like to stare at it and fantasize that you (BF) & BM are back together and we are still a family". I told BF the other day that he should of had a clue about then to have a talk with SD12 about her feelings.
He babies these feelings. Enables them. I asked - do you want to move on from your divorce? He says: I have! I said: Then let your kids!!!!
I have never had photo's of my ExH & I on the walls after divorce. All pics of him are in my BD's room & it's either him alone or with her &/or their step family.
He needs to move on. I would
He needs to move on. I would say that boundries have been crossed. While we do share school and sports activies and some birthdays that is it. We (SM and DH) are on friendly terms with BM. To me (SM) I agree being excluded is hurtful. My DH would not exclude me ever. I would not be happy. LOL. I think BF is showing you a lack of respect, and also showing his children that it is okay to treat you this way. While I understand his relationship with his children is important. BF is a father, not his children best friend. He needs to act like a father. Set boundries and show good respectful behavior. Good Luck to you.
Have had all these talks with
Have had all these talks with him too. And with the lack of respect i feel it shows me as "unimportant". Therefore, when SS15 was 14 and went into mine & BF's room on a few occasions and stole my underwear (and possibly wore them) and with no punishment & no apology was said to me -- i feel that it is saying it is ok for SS15 to disrespect me, violate me and it's ok to steal my stuff.
Three years & he's still
Three years & he's still dating his ex for the good of the children... He knew you'd be upset but he couldn't say no? move out & move on your relationship is not that important to him.