My SS17 is a product of over coddling by both BM (Bi-polar, unmmedicated, and has been in the looney bin) and DH who is in total denial. The kid also has Asperger's, he is very high functioning. The therapist thinks the learned helplessness for the over coddling is more of a problem than his AS.

Parents don't realize that they are coddling the children. BM still tied his shows at 14, she never taught him because it was easier to do it herself. There is a long list of things it was easier for her to do. DH, sees the kid struggle he steps in and does it for the kid. This kid hasn't brushed his hair since he was 13 and I stopped DH from doing it and he has had any thing that requires spreading something on bread, because he can't do the either.

I was with DH a year before I met the kid, sometime I think if the met the kid right away I would have ran. In my case, the kid is still like an 8 year old when he is in the houe. The therapist.ells me when he is in group he is a normal kid.

The only thing you can do is leave now or realize that you are going to be stress abnout this for a long time....remember kids don't vanish when they are 18.

BTW...I have no children either. So I here the same things. IMO it doesn't if you have kids are not...common sense is more important. We are both dealing with Bipolars.....remember you live in their world.

Noone is going to like my answer...but I can only tell you what has worked for me. Try to befriend her. If you cant, at least work slowly and surely towards some kind of civil aquaintence type relationship.

I met BM of SD5 when SD5 was 10 months old. BM wanted nothing to do with me. Hated that I was with her ex, didnt want her kid around me, the usual.

Every time I did see her I was nice, polite, and kept my mouth shut. Eventually curiosity got the best of her and she started to casually talk to me. It wasnt fast...it took a good 6-9mo. and then I got invited to begin visitation with DH. I am lucky that since SD5 was 1.5 I have been able to be around her and bond with her. I also continued to build a relationship with BM and now her and I are very good friends...we co-parent well...and SD5 is so secure and comfortable in both of our households. Going through the rough parts in the beginning have been well worth it.

In regards to my SD14 (different BM) she was 9 when she found out about me and 11 when she started visitations in my home. Her BM and I are civil. She would rather deal with me then my DH (he isnt very polite to her) and she knows that I treat her daughter well...so althogh we arent friendly we are ok. SD14 in return follows moms lead and treats me with kindness and respect but we arent not closely bonded and that is ok.

Working on finding a way to "get along" with BM and finding a way to get them to be ok with you is the only thing that I could come up with that would work for me. It prevents the kids from treating you like crap because they dont see a bio doing it, and it opens the bio's up to letting you be involved and having opinions and say so. You still have to be careful not to cross a line....but you get to feel more like part of the big picture.

Good luck!

I haven't read all the responses. I'm sure someone has already said what I am going to. . .

1. What do I do to get her a bit more out of my life so I can continue a healthy relationship with dad?
Only what your DH will allow. If you bring up the issues you are having with BM and how she is intruding, he has to deal with it. Unless she is directly calling, texting, etc you then you tell her to leave you alone.

2. What can be said to her to get her to realize the trouble she is creating by coddling her son?

You can't. You can't control anything she does. You can't make up for her lack of parenting.

3. What can be said to her to back off and be a better parent?
see answer 2

I don't have any bio kids yet, either. I do have two God children the same age as my FSS. I have also been a nanny. I totally get where you're coming from. I found ST when ex-idiot cheated on me and told me six months before our wedding date that he was father to 3 month-old twins. Needless to say we did not get married, but I did try to work it out with him for some reason. Hence, here I am. I learned a lot from posting and reading then that has enabled me to know what I will not tolerate in a blended family. My goal was to not date anyone with a kid, but alas, I love FH. FH is awesome. He heard out all of my concerns from my previous experience (which basically made me the wallet and free babysitter without ever being allowed to offer an opinion). Before I moved in, we had boundary rules established that we agreed on. BM is not allowed in our house. She already wasn't, so that was easy. I will not deal with BM. She is not to have my phone number. There's no reason for her to have it. FH chose to have sex with her and then marry her when she was pregnant. I did not, so it is not my responsibility to deal with it. It is very freeing to not have to deal with her. I love FSS8. He's a great kid, and I want good things for him. I will help support his upbringing because it is not an expectation and is appreciated. BM doesn't like that I exist, but that's not my problem since I don't deal with her. If FSS wants me at his play, I'm going. If FSS doesn't want me to go, I'll go get a massage. And, sometimes, when I don't agree with his mom of FH, it is hard, but I keep my mouth shut because he isn't my responsibility, and I'm not stepping on their toes. The only time I break this rule is when it involves FSS's safety. And, in those instances, I'll take the hell that comes from BM because his safety is worth it. Now, if he were a spoiled brat, I wouldn't have continued my relationship. But, he isn't and he spends the majority of his time in our house.

I would love to be able to have a rational conversation with BM and tell her that I know I'm not his mom and I don't want to be. If she could really hear that, I believe that would alleviate a lot of her issues. But, she and I do not communicate the same way and process things the same way, so it isn't going to happen. I think the only thing you can do to help your relationship with DH is to establish and enforce boundaries (rational ones). If they are new boundaries, there will be backlash for a bit, but you have to be constant. But, DH has children with her. So if anyone is going to say something to her, it probably needs to be him. But, I don't think that will necessarily change it. It might make it worse. It's like when my parents told me not to stick my finger in a fan when I was five, so I went and stuck my finger in the fan. I tell FH that I think it is funny that he and BM have to learn how to be better communicators now that they are divorced.

Good luck with all of it. I hope it settles out for you.

All I'll add is I understand entirely how you feel. I had to watch my SS and SD wreck themselves while BM partied and neglected them and colluded with their bad behavior. Very painful and frustrating.

All I'll add is I understand entirely how you feel. I had to watch my SS and SD wreck themselves while BM partied and neglected them and colluded with their bad behavior. Very painful and frustrating.