I am a stepmom to a 3 and a half yr old little boy. I'm dealing with so much in my mind right now, and I feel like no one truly understands. I don't like putting my husband in the position to chose, but his mother, to me at least, can be ridiculous at times.

Lets start at the beginning - I first met my husband shortly before he left for Iraq, we hung out 1 day before he was leaving and we both felt an instant connection. A month and a half later we decided to try the distance thing. About 3-4 months later he explained to me he was expecting a child in a few months with a woman that he used to hook up with. They never dated, and the way he described it he treated her horribly. She'd drive a half hour to his barracks with beer and fast food just to wait for him to finish partying and sleep together. He never had feelings for her, and many times it was his buddy's wanting beer that would encourage her to come see them. So from the beginning, i didn't have the highest regard for this women, especially since she continued to contact him while he was overseas telling him how much she loved him and he should leave me.

So - he gave me the out. He said he would understand if I didn't want to be in this kind of situation. It wasn't a hard decision. I fell for him that first day we spent together. But it was such a broken situation, i wasn't sure how I would handle it, but i figured our love would get us through it. If we could get through a deployment we can get through anything.

It proved to be much harder than I imagined - I cried just about anytime the little boy came to stay with us. I finally found my everything, and I wanted to be his everything - but that was no longer possible because of this little boy. I found myself getting jealous. I wanted to be the only important thing in his life, but the fact is I can't be. Our perfect little family that I imagined was ruined. It didn't help the mother seemed to be absolutely insane to me. She talked to his mom more than I did it felt like. Here is this man I love, I'd never done "meet the parents" before - but I felt like I was on the back burner anyway, because of this little boy. It's not his fault. I have never blamed or resented him in this - he is the innocent party. But I feel like all these wonderful experiences are ruined. I'm sorry but I can't compete with an adorable little boy.

My husband is from Michigan, and the baby's mother has driven up multiple times (we live in KS) and stayed with my husband's family. She even told my mother-in-law we were all driving up together to stay for a week in the summer. I have never even met the baby's mother, let alone about to stay a full week with her in a small house or car ride. That seemed like an insane idea to begin with. And then she got upset when I said I didn't want to go then if she planned on us all staying together.

The baby's mother also seems to speak to everyone in my husbands life. Friends from back home she's never met, family, army buddies - she's everywhere. I understand the family wants to hear about how the boy is doing, but isn't that my husbands place? It's his son - shouldn't he be the one taking him on trips, sending pictures and telling stories??? Am I the only one that thinks it's insane???

I'm trying to tell myself to get over it, stop caring so much - but I can't help it. I don't know how to handle my feelings. When i try to talk to my husband about his son, he seems to automatically get defensive. He's gotten a lot better more recently - but now we find out she's making another trip up there to visit my husbands lifelong schoolmate. It makes no sense to me.

Pictures make my stomach cringe. When I see comments between this woman and my husbands family members - it drives me up the wall. I try to be calm and mature and keep my feelings in but I can't take it anymore.

I've now decided I don't think I want kids. Part of me knows it's because of this situation. I don't see the point. It's not fair to his first son, and it wouldn't be fair to me. It's all tainted now. I thought these feelings would go away but I don't know what to do. Jealous is the best word to describe my feelings.

Jealous of the attention he gets. Jealous that this woman took away the love of my lifes first born. Upset that I seem to be the only one that thinks some of her actions are insane. Upset with myself that I let this get to me like I do.

It's not an ideal situation for this woman either. She's got an older son also from a different father who she's not with. I don't envy her situation at all. But I can't help how I feel. I wasn't the one that had unprotected sex and created this little boy.

I'm just really looking for someone to talk to - someone to share feeling with who understands what I'm going through. I have friends that are girls with kids, but none that are with someone who has a kid with someone else. I need an outlet. For my own sanity.