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SS's family, not BM's

justbecca18's picture

Submitted by justbecca18 on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 9:54am

I'm just reaching out to see if anyone has this problem, and can give me some advice...

The BM is just constantly in contact with my DH's family. I feel like they talk more to her than they do to me...

My DH never dated/married/cared for this woman. She wouldn't be in our lives if it wasn't for my SS. Yet she sents messages, cards, comments on FB, adds them as friends (some she's never even met), plans trips up north (about 16 hrs away)...

It drives me INSANE - I feel like my husband should be the one to tell his mother about his son, not the BM. The BM even tried to get us all to take a trip up to see my DH's family. And then I was the badguy for not wanting to spend a 16 hr car ride with her and stay in my MIL's house with all of us together.

Last year, my DH worked out that the SS would go up to visit family with us, not her. Well now, this summer, she's supposed to go up to do a run with my DH's high school friend (weird to me ALSO) and drop my SS off with my MIL. I think it'll be nice for my MIL to have him for the weekend to herself, but does the BM really need to take him up there and spend time with my DH's family and friends? Why would she even want to????

I'm trying to keep my mouth shut because I don't want to cause drama. And I'm trying to convince myself that if my DH doesn't care, why should I? But it still pisses me off.

And FB is a whole other story - she comments and replies and posts on anything my DH's family does - and it always makes my stomach cringe when I see it. I can't talk to my DH about it because he just says "well I can't tell her not to..." and my DH's family is just too nice to say any different.... So here I sit, the unhappy bug Sad

Comments

alwaysanxious's picture

Submitted by alwaysanxious on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 10:09am

She sound weird. She inserted herself into his family and they never had a relationship (she was his booty-call if I remember correctly). I wouldn't like it either. I'm not sure what you can do about it since his family isn't opposed to it. I guess the only thing I would do is stay away from her myself.

You aren't the bad guy for not wanting to be involved with her around. You are the wife, not her. You get priority around his family. IMHO
She's just making herself look like weirdo.

paul_in_utah's picture

Submitted by paul_in_utah on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 10:22am

Weird, yes, but not wholy unusual.

My MIL has had a crush on my DW's ex-husband ever since DW and ex split. For years, she hoped that DW would leave me and return to the ex, since he was her "one shot at greatness," or some such. MIL has always worked with ex-husband behind our backs. For instance, ex-husband had sued us some years back over some BS related to my SD (completely meritless, of course, and he ultimately got his ass kicked in court). While we were litigating, he would not allow my DW phone visitation with SD if he had her, so there were long periods in the summer when DW did not get to speak with SD. Unbeknownst to us, ex-husband/bio-daddy got tired of taking care of SD, so he dumped her off with MIL. She had SD for a week, and kept it a secret, because she was supportive of ex-husband. As a result, DW missed out on many opportunities to catch up with SD, all because MIL was cooperating with the ex-husband.

I think that this type of behavior is innapropriate, but it certainly happens. Don't be surprised if the BM in your situation sues for custody, and your in-laws testify on her behalf.

JTPKB's picture

Submitted by JTPKB on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 10:38am

I truly feel you on this, my dh ex done the same things when me and him first got together..... after she figured out that her childish, immature ways were not going to come between MY husband and I or that she in NO way intimidated me by her calling, commenting, sending cards, letters, etc she stopped..... I think what she is doing is trying to is get to you, its hard I know but dont let it get to you

I will keep you in my prayers that you be able to deal with the childish ways this ex (and remember shes that for a reason) is pushing

bioandstep2009's picture

Submitted by bioandstep2009 on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 10:52am

I find it inappropriate of the BM and not cool of your inlaws to not see how this might be inappropriate to have that much contact. Sounds like the BM and your inlaws need a lesson on boundaries! Your DH really ought to be the one to say something to his folks about this.

smonster2's picture

Submitted by smonster2 on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 12:38pm

In a similiar situation but my DH did care. He has cut off all contact with his family over this for over 4 years now. His family did not like BM when they were briefly married and did not have a good relationship with her for a few years post divorce. Now they all act like they can't live without each other. BM, MIL and SIL always concocted ways to make the SDs visits uncomfortable for our family by feeding the SDs with lies so that they would act out at our house. When BM took the kids out of state illegaly, MIL knew and did not tell us BMs plan before she moved. When we went to court, MIL was signed up as one of the witnesses to lie on the stand to say DH knew and agreed to them moving. We have gone back and forth having a relationship with his family but it always ends when they do something stupid with BM and the SDs. Well, they got their way, we have cut off contact with all of them. SDs are over 18, so she has no reason to contact my DH and I know that is killing her. When I speak with my family about all these antics, they cannot believe that family acts like that. I wouldn't have such an issue with DH's family being friendly with BM, if they had a good relationship during the marriage, but this whole "friendship" came out of wanting to cause trouble. Things aren't perfect, but they are sure alot better for my DH, bios and me when all of those people are not around.