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Choosing myself

Need2Breathe's picture

Submitted by Need2Breathe on Mon, 03/28/2011 - 7:54pm

Hi ladies (and a few gents). This is my first post. I have been reading for the past month as I had reached the crisis stage. I have taken so much solace from all your wisdom and experience. It meant so much to realize I wasn't the only one who was tormented in this situation. Sadly, there is no saving my situation with only one of us working on it while the other cuts me no slack and extends no compassion. But I've already given everything - he's not getting a soft landing from me too. Like many of you, this was MY house and I'm tired of feeling like an unwanted guest. "You need to be out THIS weekend. If we aren't working on it together, then I need it over as fast as possible."

My situation - BF of 4 years, total ostrich, guilty daddy, does not back me up or prioritize our relationship. SD12 and SD14. I have no children.

I need my sanctuary back so I can grieve. Now that I've accepted it's over, it's almost a relief. So I'm going to try to let go of the negative (Lord knows I've lived there too long already) and focus on the positive.

I am going to be able to come home and have a glass of wine and sit on my couch and watch Hgtv all night if I want.

I am going to wipe down my countertops and know they will stay that way.

I am going to have room in my closet again!

I am going to have lots of money now that I am not subsidizing "alimony boy" any more. ( Only 3 months left.... coincidence?)

I am going to plan a vacation when I want to go and not around someone else's spring break, school schedule.

Comments

Need2Breathe's picture

Submitted by Need2Breathe on Mon, 03/28/2011 - 8:25pm

I am going to work in my yard and plant in my flower pots again.

I will take care of ME and heal myself and go back to being the person I truly am.

I will sleep in the MIDDLE of my bed and not the right 1/3rd.

I will paint these rooms whatever colors I want.

I will go back to yoga and practice my piano.

I will be in control of my life and in charge of my happiness.

I cant wait. Hurry weekend!

Geema's picture

Submitted by Geema on Mon, 03/28/2011 - 8:53pm

You know it's over when you need to get out and be away to be happy. 4 years is a long time to be swallowed up by someone else's needs and selfishness! God speed you on the road to fulfillment! You deserve it!

Need2Breathe's picture

Submitted by Need2Breathe on Mon, 03/28/2011 - 9:03pm

THANK YOU for the support! It is so, so hard but I'm finally accepting that I was holding on to him all the while he and kids were eating me alive. I was turning into a monster from the utter thanklessness and exclusion of it all. And I think it was literally starting to eat me alive.

I will get my heart rate back down to normal.

I will sleep through the WHOLE night!

The perpetual knot in my stomach will go away a little every day.

The bags under my eyes will fade a bit each day.

I will be fit and beautiful and strong, like I was before.

Need2Breathe's picture

Submitted by Need2Breathe on Mon, 03/28/2011 - 9:08pm

THANK YOU for the support! It is so, so hard but I'm finally accepting that I was holding on to him all the while he and kids were eating me alive. I was turning into a monster from the utter thanklessness and exclusion of it all. And I think it was literally starting to eat me alive.

I will get my heart rate back down to normal.

I will sleep through the WHOLE night!

The perpetual knot in my stomach will go away a little every day.

The bags under my eyes will fade a bit each day.

I will be fit and beautiful and strong, like I was before.

Need2Breathe's picture

Submitted by Need2Breathe on Mon, 03/28/2011 - 11:05pm

I'll stay on for sure, ls. I can so relate to so many of the situations discussed. And I know that the healing is only going to come from understanding and self-reflection and accepting what I could never have hoped to control.

Thanks to everyone on this board who recommended the book Stepmonster. After chapter 1, I felt like the author had been a fly on my wall. And so many of the dynamics described were ones I felt but couldn't really articulate completely.

Auteur's picture

Submitted by Auteur on Tue, 03/29/2011 - 8:47am

I think it's that much harder when you have grown children of your own (who were properly parented) and then get plunged into the hell of EOWE and school vacations with children who are literally beelzebub's minions (that take after the psycho BM)

YAY for you to get your life back. I am looking forward to the same, but my road will be much more arduous as I didn't take the opportunity to get out much, much earlier than this.

The longer you stay, the more complex and the harder it it to get out.

Please come back to warn others of getting themelves tangled up in the horrid mess that is "stepmoming"

Auteur's picture

Submitted by Auteur on Tue, 03/29/2011 - 9:02am

I think it's that much harder when you have grown children of your own (who were properly parented) and then get plunged into the hell of EOWE and school vacations with children who are literally beelzebub's minions (that take after the psycho BM)

YAY for you to get your life back. I am looking forward to the same, but my road will be much more arduous as I didn't take the opportunity to get out much, much earlier than this.

The longer you stay, the more complex and the harder it it to get out.

Please come back to warn others of getting themelves tangled up in the horrid mess that is "stepmoming"

skylarksms's picture

Submitted by skylarksms on Tue, 03/29/2011 - 12:31pm

I LOVE your list of things you are going to do for YOU.

I need to do that for myself sometimes too while I am waiting for the universe to come into line with my own exit plan...

Because my brain is strong but my heart is stupid. My brain knows there is no saving this but my heart thinks, "If only I try a little HARDER...a little LONGER." And my brain knows that I have already tried as hard as I can as long as I've needed to.

Now it is time to focus on me. I don't know if I've ever had the chance to do that. I focused on school, then focused on college, focused on being a single mom raising a child without CS, then focused on being a wife, mother and stepmom...

You need to focus on you too, and it sounds like you are. GOOD FOR YOU.

Need2Breathe's picture

Submitted by Need2Breathe on Tue, 03/29/2011 - 2:17pm

I can totally relate, skylark. My brain and my head have been so conflicted. I kept trying and kept talking and suggesting counseling and trying to identify the conflict areas and blah blah blah. And he just kept shutting me out. His only advice was "the kids just need to feel unconditional love from you". Well, that might be something a bio parent can offer but it just is not true for me. I DID NOT GIVE BIRTH TO THEM!! Even most of our fellow posters admit how hard it is to feel the same love for step kids compared to bio kids. And I finally realized that he perceived my inability to offer this unconditional love (which apparently includes tolerating crappy teen attitudes, having my stuff absconded with, my house invaded, my phone and text messages snooped in, never getting my grievances addressed etc) as some kind of character flaw of mine that caused him to question who I was as a person. And when he projected that onto me, I took it on and began to question myself.

I think I finally realized that I'm not losing anything I hadn't already lost a long time ago. The man I fell in love with, who tried to soothe every worry I had and was committed to my happiness, has been gone for quite a while.

Wherever your journey leads you, I hope you find some peace and tranquility.

Need2Breathe's picture

Submitted by Need2Breathe on Tue, 03/29/2011 - 8:25pm

Karli - it is no doubt scary. Here is what I keep telling myself:

"How many times have I felt this knot in my stomach? My heart rate off the chart? How many sleepness nights and twisted days of lies and betrayals and emotional exhuastion? How many days have I felt that there is no way I can dance on this layer of eggshells forever and it's only a matter of time before Papa Bear protects evil Need2Breathe from his perfect angels?"

You know what? This is the LAST time I will feel like this. And there is comfort in that.