SD5 says she just CAAAAAAANT do it
So she went to school today (kindergarten) and got an orange card. (not good) for snatching a paper rudely from her teacher and refusing to participate when it was time to write in her journal. We met them (SD, BM & SF) for dinner. SD was VERY well behaved tonight, ate well, and only had to have a reminder or two regarding table manners. (cover mouth when cough, dont talk with mouth full) She did very well. Since this coming Fri is our Fri to pick SD up I told her that if she had a good week this week we would take her and do something fun with her this weekend...either the indoor pool at the gym or Chuck E. Cheese depending on budget constraints. She was excited for either. I told her it was contingent on her doing well in school (behavior) this week. Her face fell, she looked so sad...and said...."I just caaaaaaant. I try and try and I just cant have a good week". She looked so defeated. I am trying so hard to think of new ways that might work to help SD5 learn how to control her behavior. We have tried and do all of the traditional methods with little success. Any new innovative idea's that those with supremely strong willed and strongly opinionated kids can suggest?
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Five days in a row is hard
Five days in a row is hard for a five year old. My siblings schools did red light, yellow light, green light for behavior. Their reward for good behavior was an icecream cone from the ice cream man when it was hot and during winter was getting to make smores in the fireplace. To earn the reward they could have no, zero, none red lights and could only have 2 yellow lights for the week.
Yellow was a caution that they were about to get out of line, red was a full stop misbehaving/disrespectful etc. Try starting her on having an ok week, no full stops and allow her a small oops or two. As she gets older, lesson the number of oopsies she is allowed to have so her behavior has to improve as she matures and ages and she doesn't feel pressured to be 'perfect' and knows doing her best (really truely her best) can gain a small reward.
Oh for pets sake. Why is it
Oh for pets sake. Why is it acceptable for adults to make excuses why a FIVE YEAR OLD can't behave for five days. Give me a break. Of course she caaaaaaaan behave. She chooses not to and you're giving her a get out of jail free card.
My suggestion to get a strong willed child to make it five days without misbehaving... Expect it. Require it. No, and I mean absolutely no rewards for anything less. If she caaaant do it, then no chuckecheese or no pool. This is not a difficult concept. Your parents did it, theirs too.
The problem with kids today isn't the kids...
I didn't read any back
I didn't read any back stories, just feels like giving her anything but a swat on the bottom for snatching a paper from her teacher and refusing to participate in class is a real stretch.
Thank you for your responses.
Thank you for your responses. As I originally posted we have done the traditionall things - loss of priveledges, loss of toys, loss of activities, none of it works. She has been down to nothing in her bedroom but her bed and it did not even phase her. She is a sucker for bad impulse choices - which she regrets instantly and even trys to make amends for. I dont exspect her to be perfect...some things we arent as concerned about as others...but the blatant disrespect...those rude impulse responses that she does and then quickly does the :o face when she realizes what she just said will potentially get her in trouble....I guess I can see her frustration. I do like your suggestions no1smaid and will talk to BM about altering her reward chart a bit and how she goes about earning. I do have issue with the award chart at BM's as it currently is done anyway. It seems like no matter what happens at school....when her behavior is good at home her reward chart gets completed for home activities and she earns her reward...even when school behavior is not acceptable. I figured this out because I was looking at the school reports. One green, two yellow, and an orange for the week (4 day week - snow day) She did all of her chores at home and was well behaved or so they say....and she got to go to the mall - build a bear -etc. even though she got an orange card for disrespectful behavior at school. I think the orange card at school should have overrun the good behavior at home and she should have lost the trip to mall/build a bear. But hey...what can I do? Just point it out and suggest alternatives to try I guess which is what I will do. Plus I am not going to fall into that trap of spending our time punishing for bad behavior while BM only half ass punishes thus making us the mean/strict/bad ones in SD's eyes. We are NCP so it ultimately falls on BM. Thank you all again for taking the time to respond to my post and for the suggestions which I will discuss with BM promptly.
I agree that at 5 they are
I agree that at 5 they are just starting in school and learning to adjust their behaviors, what's acceptable/not during long hours, etc..I like no1smaid suggestion also and finey here.
It's a mix between not expecting perfection and pushing them towards saying I CAN and better behavior. Stretching them so they don't get completely discouraged. If the loss of all privledges all the time is not working then it's the wrong method-unless you feel it's ok for a child to spend the majority of their childhood grounded w/no privledges and in fear of parents lol-which really is just the opposite over the over-indulged lazy kids.
I mean there's some wise sayings in the Bible-whether you are a Christian or not-but there is commands for kids to respect parents but also for parents to no exasperate their kids-I think that speaks volumes.
Hard to strike balance-mostly I think so many times we see the two polar opposites on this site-maybe even IRL also.
Unfortunately you can't control what happens at BM's place-if you have a good relationship you guys could talk together about it though.
I hate to say it but it seems schools have become lazy in dealing w/kids jsut as much as parents have...hence the overly medicated/diagnosed generation being created because teachers/parents can't deal w/kids who talk or wiggle or behave like kids. They prefer to drug them then teach and guide them (NO that doesn't require beating them or grounding them for life lol).
I'd swat her bottom for that
I'd swat her bottom for that kind of disrespect to her teacher. Marbles, colored cards and build-a-bears be danged. She sure CAN be respectful or she sure CAN have a red little butt.
I don't believe in spanking.
I don't believe in spanking. I've never done it and never had to. It only teaches children that they are powerless and that hitting solves their problems. Spanking may stop the behavior in the short term, but it does NOTHING to redirect a child's behavior in the long term.
It's interesting - I was spanked (more like abused - belts with buckles, switches, wooden spoons, etc.) as a young child by an angry step-father and I was a very fearful child. I was always well-behaved, but mostly because I was fearful and did not want to disappoint. I've never spanked my children because I think there's a better way, and when you know better, you DO better. Both of my children are well-mannered, well-behaved kids. However, all the kids who I know are spanked (and I know because their parents have told me that they spank) are either very distrustful and timid or NOT well-behaved at all.
http://www.nospank.net/hyman2.htm
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/t062100.asp
http://www.naturalchild.org/jan_hunt/tenreasons.html
http://www.reuters.com/article/2010/04/12/us-spanking-bully-idUSTRE63B2X...
http://www.ur.umich.edu/0809/Mar30_09/07.php
I wouldn't beat a kid with a
I wouldn't beat a kid with a belt but the "backtalk your teacher and get a swat on the butt" method sure worked for me. I have three D1 college athletes who graduated HS with honors, one eagle scout, 2 black belts, peer review leaders and all three were on national youth counsel.
And they got a few swats each as children.
So, I think "ALL THE KIDS YOU KNOW who were ever spanked... is an exageration.
***Like****
***Like****
You don't know all the kids I
You don't know all the kids I know, do you?
Actually, I received tons of honors in school and college, as well, and i was spanked/abused, as I mentioned above. So yes, a child who is spanked can have a productive life. But I'm not talking about accomplishments here, I'm talking about children feeling powerless and fearful as well as manifesting aggression behaviors, which have been found to be more apparent in children who are spanked than in those who are not. The studies speak for themselves. I know plenty of people who are aggressive and abusive toward others and have accomplishments and successful careers, my XH included.
Congratulations on your children's accomplishments. I'm sure you're proud of them.
We dont spank, slap, hit,
We dont spank, slap, hit, etc. I cant very well "punish" her for disrespect by so blatantly disrespecting her as an indivual person and hitting her. I certainly wouldnt want her to then turn around and hit her 16mo. old brother when he is "naughty" because that is what we taught her the proper thing to do is.
I do appreciate all of the non-violent suggestions and as I stated will definitely be doing some copy/paste in an email to BM to see what she likes and what may work best in her home also, and maybe we will even combine multiple suggestions and create our own new thing. Thanks again!
I do also agree overit that schools just dont want to deal with kids. When I was young if I got in trouble in school in any way I had to write my name on the board. That was my warning. 2nd occurance a check was placed next to my name and I lost 10 min. of precious beloved recess. 2nd check, 20 minutes gone and only 10 minutes left of recess...this was tragic! 3rd check no recess at all....head down on desk while all other kids go outside and play. DEVASTATING.
Now...cards get flipped, letters get sent home detailing what color card a child has. Whoopdeedoooo. There is no imediate consequence for her action. She looses nothing in the moment. She knows she will get in trouble later but thats not so pressing of an issue until then and 5 year olds so much so live in the moment. It does frustrate me and I wish these schools would find a better way to go about it.