My own stepfather (or “The Saint” as I now see him for what he was for all of those years with me growing up!!!) used to call himself
“The Shrub”
because no matter what he thought, said or did, it didn’t matter a good gawd-damn! He might have well been invisible… shrubbery on the outside of the house.

Now on occasions (like my step son’s birthday that just passed) I see how it is to feel like “The Shrub”… ignored by everybody out of confusion and discomfort about the whole situation. I’d point blank say or ask something to someone (the guests, the skids, BM) and they’d all look the other way… or look to BM to make sure it was ok to answer me first. I ended up sitting in the corner playing games on my cell phone.

And when I mention ANY of it to DH… “I’m overreacting… it’s all in my mind…”
It’s easier to just sit there and be the good little Shrub… right stepda?

Bless your heart.
I never knew this was a southern slap in the face.a polite way of saying F you. I always thought geez that person was really nasty and mom is saying bless their heart.why would we bless them when they don't deserve it??now i know

Asher I wish I had that 'Southern Grace'

My mother had some sayings that I understood perfectly well, but I now find myself using all the time:

"If this is the worst part of your day, then I want to be you" Used when I would whine about having to do a chore, etc. "If picking up this room is the worst part of your day...!"

Another gem from mom, said with total sarcasm: "oh yes. I got up this morning and thought to myself "oh goody! I get to make Siferra's life miserable today! I can't wait to make her do homework and maybe after that eat some peas! In fact, i think I'll center my entire day around making her miserable"

Always sort of snapped it back into perspective for me.

Marry in haste, repent at leisure

I have never heard this one! It is great.

If it doesn't kill you, it'll make you stronger. Not sure if they were talking about life in general or perhaps whiskey. LOL!

Be careful what you wish for, you might get it.

She took off like a whore to her wedding.

My great grandmother would say, " If you don't feel the way you should act, then act they way you should feel". I guess she was the original advocate of the power of positive thinking. I can remember feeling very irritated when my mother would use that on me when I was a teenager!

Wish in one hand, $#!t in the other, and see which one fills up first.

Don't try to teach a pig to sing, it wastes your time and annoys the pig.

You are slower than a herd of turtles.

Its colder than a well diggers butt in Idaho.

Its so crowded you couldn't cuss a cat without getting hair in your mouth.

Don't cry over spilt milk.

Let it roll off of you like water on a duck's back.

Hold your horses!

Don't put the cart before your horse.

Go peddle your papers elsewhere.

Bide your time.

I'm quite a bullshitter myself, but please continue, occassionally I like to hear from an expert.

Rome wasn't built in a day.

There are 3 kinds of people in this world. Those who make things happen, those that watch things happen, and people like you _____ that wonder what happened.

Kindness makes a man attractive.

Curiosity killed the cat.

Ha ha, most of these are from my grandma, she's 82 and she's full of it.

As busy as a one armed paper hanger in a wind storm.
(Pretty damned busy)

Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.
(If someone gives you something, don't be shitty that it is not just what you wanted. In the old days when buying horses people would check the horses teeth. If someone gave you a horse, you did not check the teeth you were grateful to have a horse.)

And what do you want ME to do about it?
(Get off your ass and fix the problem. It is YOUR problem)

And how is that working out for you?
(That was stupid!)

This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you.
(When I spanked my own kid, I learned that they were right.)

Why don't you try that one more time and see if the problem fixed itself.
(An earlier version of "insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting a different result")

Don't let your mouth get your ass in trouble
(Self explanatory)

It is hard to remember that your goal is to drain the swamp when you are up to your ass in alligators.
(Focus on the important stuff and forget the stuff that does not matter.)

It is colder than a well digger’s asshole.
(It is damned cold).

It will be a cold day in hell before .....
(Self explanatory)

I see you have been wrestling that couch all day and it looks like it kicked your ass.
(Get off your ass and do something)

What until your father gets home!
(Self explanatory)

Do you need a hug?
(Quit whining)

If you believe that I have a bridge I would like to sell you.
(You and your friends are full of shit.)

It looks like you have a short circuit between your brain and your balls.
(Quit chasing tail focus on what is important.)

Son, someday a little honey is going to want to drag you in to the bushes. When that day comes there is a box of condoms in my closet. Use one.
(My sex talk)

Wow, that lady has everything with her and does not need to go back home for a thing.
(My granddads phrase for a well built attractive female)

Do something even if you do it wrong.
(If you don't try, nothing will happen or nothing will change.)

Flawed implementation beats delayed perfection every time.
(Get it done and improve it later.)

Good enough is always an option.
(If it is good enough then you may not want to worry about making it better.)

Focus on the critical few rather than the important many.
(If you are faced with more than you can possibly do then do what is critical and get back to the other crap later.)

Old age and treachery will beat youth and inexperience every time.
(I told you I knew what the hell I was talking about so next time shut up, pay attention, do what you are told and maybe you will learn something.)\

You are the man!
(That was pretty stupid.)

Paralysis by analysis.
(You have done enough thinking about it, now shut up and do it.)

Don't tell me, show me.
(Self explanatory)

Well, I am from Missouri.
(Missouri is the Show-Me state. This one is the same as the one above).

You don't take a mule to the Kentucky derby.
(Don't compete until you are ready.)

Ouch. That hurt didn’t it.
(That was stupid and I TOLD you not to try it.)

And many, many more.