So I haven't posted much in a while, pretty much since I made the realization that it was my marriage and not specifically the step situation that was the problem that I wanted to get out of, so I thought I'd give you guys an update.

I've tried on three occasions now to tell H I want to separate/divorce, and this is NOT counting the time I said it 6 months ago before we started counseling. I promised myself then that if we went to counseling I would give it 6 months and if nothing had changed and I still felt the same way that I would end it, and so I was simply following-through on the promise I made myself. It was hard, and I tried to avoid it as much as I could because I dreaded the conversation, and of course the timing being around the holidays didn't help much either. We hadn't talked for months, other than about the kids, the household, work, or small talk about TV shows, etc., we hadn't had sex for months, and we hadn't slept in the same bed most of our marriage, so yeah, it was high time we put an end to this "charade".

Well, the first time it came up since counseling was the week before Christmas. I had decided I was gonna take my kids and spend Christmas with my brother's family for a change since H hadn't bothered to make any plans or contribute in any way to "Christmas" for the kids (I put up the tree, decorated it, and all of the other decorations inside AND OUTSIDE by myself as usual.) I had been cleaning the house, doing laundry and taking care of the kids all day BY MYSELF on that weekend day while H sat on his *ss and watched TV or slept, AS USUAL, when finally just after 10 p.m. Sunday night, I decided I wanted to watch something different than what was on the TV (that I've been paying on for the past 2 years BY MYSELF as well) while I folded laundry BY MYSELF AS USUAL, only this time apparently H was actually watching what was on the TV at that time (a show I'd never seen him watch - so I assumed he was asleep), and that set him off. So yeah, the talk of separating/divorce came up in the midst of an argument, which was not the way I'd wanted it to come up, but it wouldn't be the first time that had happened either since H would regular "threaten" divorce in arguments before we went to the counselor and she told him that was "bad".

Anyway, bad or good, I took that as my opportunity to vent that I thought our "family" was a "joke" and I didn't want it anymore basically. That I thought we had an 80/20 marriage where I put in the 80 and he put in the 20, and that the parenting he does amounts to little more than what I could pay a babysitter to do for me, only it was costing me a lot more for him to do it since my 80% share of inputs in our marriage includes 80% of the household expenses, including the entire mortgage and OUR child's entire daycare bill, which together were my biggest monthly expenses totalling more than $2k, before we even get to the other expenses that he doesn't share in, like clothing for OUR child, of course ALL of the expenses for MY child (which he always claimed to be "Daddy" to since he's been there since BS6 was 10 mos), and of course since he's not chipping in on the roof over our heads that also meant I was indirectly providing for HIS two children as well, one that lived with us full-time for over a year with ZERO contribution from the BM, and one that visited every other weekend and some extended breaks. Oh, and of course I have my own personal bills, a car note just like he has, and $450 in student loan payments per month which is MORE than DOUBLE what he pays in CS for the one child he manages to support who of course happens to NOT be his child with me or a child that even lives in my house - UGH!

So as you can see, I let loose. Needless to say it wasn't a good conversation and my only relief after it was over (because I HATE arguing and confrontation) is that at least this would all be over soon. Well, my boys and I took our vacation with my brother and his family and when we came back, much to my surprise, not only had H not made any apparent efforts to begin our separation, but he hadn't made any apparent efforts to contribute anything more to the house either, although he did, FINALLY, decide to start chipping in on the financial care of OUR child, by initiating a direct deposit into my account (we've always kept our finances separate at my insistence of course!) for half of OUR child's daycare and a couple hundred additional dollars, which we agreed would be a reasonable amount for him to pay me in CS once we are SEPARATED. I stressed the "separated" part, because that was still NOT an acceptable amount in my eyes for him to contribute to our child AND the household (which includes providing for HIM and HIS child while she is there), but I guess that whole part of the argument, which essentially was the WHOLE argument, just didn't register with him?

Okay, so if anything my disappointment in the lack of changes H tried to make as a the "last ditch effort to save our marriage" only strengthened my resolve to end this, but apparently H thought all was "right" in the world, or at least OUR "normal"? We went back to the no talking, no sex, no affection, no nothing of the past few months. So on New Year's day I brought it up again. I wanted to remind him that my mind hadn't changed, and since we were not arguing that time I thought maybe that might register better with him because I know he says a lot things he apparently "doesn't mean" when he is angry, although he's always acknowledged that he know's I am NOT like that, and mean EVERYTHING I say, angry or not, so I am very careful not to say anything that I don't mean even when angry. Well, he agreed that he assumed we were still separating based on my ignoring all his attempts to reconcile during my week away (which basically amounted to "I Love You" texts to my cell. Huh? That's it?!) So, I thought "good", and left it alone. Only the next day here he is saying "you're not going to get rid of me that easy" and all of a sudden magically getting up off his *ss to vaccum and do laundry. I waited until the next day when I really thought he would be in a pretty good mood being proud of himself for making an effort and then I sat him down and just flat out told him it was "too late", I'd lost respect for him, and that I HATED being married because I didn't feel there was any benefit in our being married for me. This time, he calmly seemed to accept that "this is it then" and even talked about looking for a place and how he would still be there daily for the boys. I'm thinking "YES! Finally I got through", but then the next day, I'm getting the "I Love You" texts again and he's in a very good mood and being very nice to me.

Now I'm confused. What is going on? Is he still trying to "work this out" (our marriage) or is there some "relief" for him in accepting that this is over and he can stop being miserable too? I really don't know what to think and I'm at my wits end. I did tell him I Love him back when he said it to me because I DO Love him, but I also made it clear in that last calm conversation that Love was NOT enough for me and my love for him or lack thereof had nothing to do with me wanting us to separate. Was I wrong to tell him I loved him? Do you think he's just one of those people that needs things to end on a negative node?

I don't know. I have really tried to avoid anything negative in all of this because frankly I want this to end as amicably as possible to give a good to start to our co-parenting situation for the boys. I still want him to be as involved as he is now with the boys, including still picking them up from school bus/daycare everyday and caring for them until I get home from work (basically what he does now), but I just don't want him to live in my house and I don't want to be with him anymore. As for the "step" situation, well, I have avoided at all costs honestly expressing to him how I feel about that because it just wasn't our "REAL problem", but now I wonder if I told him how I really feel about the step situation (how I don't love his daughter and don't want her around) maybe that would put the final nail in the coffin? I mean, the last thing I want to do is come between his relationship with his daughter, but to be honest I just don't think that could be avoided if he stays with me because I just don't want to have her in my house when I don't feel like having a a guest, and since I never really feel like having guests, uh, that would be NEVER. I think his daughter needs him and I have always fully-supported him spending as much time with his daughter as possible, everyday if he wanted, heck she can even LIVE with him if that's what they want - just NOT in MY HOUSE!

I apologize for the length of this, but I really do need help at this point. What should I do?