Sounds to me like this kid is just following the fine example set by his parents.

What kind of parent allows a 17 year old to drop out of high school? How does it even get to that point? DH and I are by no means perfect parents. And Lord knows my ex and my DH's ex are not perfect either. But I can't imagine in a million years one of our kids failing to finish high school. Hell, college isn't even an option in this house.

I would say you went above and beyond to help this kid out. His parents failed him a long time ago.

You are right and wrong. You are right for trying to be a good person that helps those in need. You are wrong because you know we SMs live in some kind of Twilight Zone where nice deeds only go to show the REAL parents what pieces of crap they are and therefore they lash out at those actually trying to parent. You probably should have known better than to try to help these ungrateful yahoos. Return the materials. They cost money don't they? Can you get a refund? And in the meantime tell your husband you were absolutely in the wrong and will never do ANYTHING to assist the little bugger again. And mean it.

I think you have the kids best interests but while it hurts to do so, let the kid fail. Not your kid, not your problem. I learned this painful lesson myself. You trying to do the best for the skid is only taking the heat off the skid and placing it on you. Step families always look for ways to blame the step no matter how irrational. Protect yourself and bite your lip when it comes to this brat.

I don't think you were wrong. You were being a NICE person for goodness sake! I don't think that I could sit back and watch a kid fail...that would be a really hard thing to do. BUT...it looks like DH has left you with no choice, but to do exactly that. Shame on DH! I agree with everyone else on here...protect yourself and disengage and do absolutely nothing.

Kudos to you for being a kind and MORAL human being.

This kid is going to end up being one of those "stats" that has to learn everything the hard way. Time for some TOUGH LOVE.

Still love you for trying though with children. I know the drill.

Is SS smoking "all" day or just once in a while?

I know where you are coming from. Because my late husband and I raised our child with respect and encouraged a good education, she is a success today. We gave her the wings to fly, she has to decide how high to soar.

SS26 really didn't get the "push" from DH when he was growing up. When I came along, I offered to pay for a 2 year college or trade school for him (he's not really bachelor degree material). He didn't want to go. DH didn't say anything one way or the other, so I figured it was all right. Later on, a job opened in one of the departments of my company. I'm in a position that I could have gotten SS26 into that spot. It would have been a "foot in the door" kind of job, but good benefits and room for growth. I gave SS26 the application information, and he didn't apply. I asked DH what was up, and he told me that I "wasn't his mother and to mind my own business". Ummmm....ok.....

Fast forward to now (5 years later). SS26 is still working a menial job, no benefits. He's driving all over the place every day to hang with his friends. He has absolutely no direction in life and no future plans. He's always got money (which is a big RED flag for me!) and some of his friends are "questionable" at best. It's so sad. The potential is there.

So, I say, "good for you" for trying. Now you know how DH feels about it. Let it be. When your kids are successful and his is a big loser, DH will have no one to blame but himself.

ddakan, you were NOT wrong in the NORMAL sense. You were doing what any normal, rational, nice, loving person would do to try to help a person in need. You were innocently trying to provide the "tools" your SS17 needed to help him move FORWARD with his life.

Problem is, in this crazy world we all live in called the "STEP-PARENTING" world, the rules are so incredibly skewed, warped and different that it becomes almost IMPOSSIBLE to understand them, nevermind act in accordance with them.

I felt compelled to reply to your post because I can literally feel your frustration in your words that you posted...and I can SOOOOOO relate to how you must've felt when your DH told you that you shouldn't have gotten involved. AAAAHHHHH!!! Here you are, just doing a nice thing for SS17 - and somehow, someway you are totally WRONG and accused of "poking your nose" where it shouldn't have been.

Yep, been there, done that, have the tshirt. I learned quickly that in the "Step-Parenting" world, one of the common themes is: NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED. Now, for about the past 1 year or so, I'm a proud member of the "Disengagement" camp. I have everyone here at StepTalk to thank for teaching me about disengaging and how it is a relationship-saver (not to mention, it saved my sanity).

I remember doing COUNTLESS nice things for fskids (FSD16 & FSS13) from when they were 9 & 6 years old - and I ALWAYS, ALWAYS got burned. One way or another. Either by my FDH telling me to "stay out of it" or "I'll take care of it" - or simply by my fskids TOTAL LACK OF APPRECIATION for anything I did for them. Every time I tried to do the "right thing" for fskids, I always paid the price in some way. Usually it would result in massive fights/arguments between FDH & I - and I would be left scratching my head, TOTALLY perplexed, feeling like I was just hit by a mack truck, thinking "WTF JUST HAPPENED?!?!?". Sometimes BM would somehow manage to get involved, too!!! BM would totally TWIST AROUND my good deeds to make it look like I was somehow "overstepping" my boundaries or causing the skids to be "uncomfortable". So BM would just bitch and complain to FDH and somehow try to make ME out to be the "bad guy"!! You know how skids are, ANYTHING they can do to cause DRAMA and conflict between bioparents and steps...enough said.

So I agree with the others above that say you've done absolutely NOTHING WRONG in the normal world we all live in. Unfortunately, it sounds to me like you need to totally DISENGAGE and just let the cards fall where they may with your SS17. Remember, however your SS17 ends up in life (good or bad) is NOT A REFLECTION ON YOU!! You will NEVER get any credit or appreciation if he turns out to be a viable, self-sufficient adult. Trust me, BM will take all the credit for that. So let the bioparents' deal with their failures as parents when your SS17 ends up where he likely WILL end up - in prison.

The ONLY aspect about "Disengaging" that leaves me a tad bit worried (in my situation), is that my FDH's lack of parenting fskids may result in fskids being totally LOST when they become adults (turn 18) and they try to STAY LIVING WITH US and/or BEING FINANCIALLY DEPENDENT UPON FDH when they fall flat on their faces in life. That's the part I worry about - what effect this will have on ME, MY RELATIONSHIP WITH FDH and MY LIFE. I'm keeping my fingers crossed on that part of disengaging and STILL trying to come up with a good plan for THAT.

Not only are you a nice person, you want him to at least have a chance at viable adulthood and you also want the kid GONE as soon as possible. I completely understand this. My SS nearly failed his Sr. year of HS but his mom and I rode his ass like a cheap carnival ride to keep him on track to graduate on time.

Since he did not bother to fill out a single college app (he skipped all of those classes the first semester of his Sr. year) we drove him to all of the Armed Forces recruiters and forced him to pick one or get out of the house. He swore in to the USAF delayed entry program (I would have preferred the USMC because they would have rode his ass much harder). We bought him a car for Christmas in order to remove his final excuse for not getting a job and so that we would no longer have to take time off work to schlep him to and from the recruiters offices, PT, Commander's Call, the MEPs center, etc...

What he does not realize is that all of this is a very structured plan to get him out of the house and on with supporting himself.

We are holding our breath for a commitment date for basic training. We love the kid and he really is not a bad kid. He is just incredibly unmotivated and extremely immature.

We want him learning how to grow up on his time and on his dime rather than on ours any longer.

To facilitate this we have consistently turned up the heat on him over the last 6mos since his 18th B-day and are making him increasingly more miserable until he gets the hell out.

}:)

Good kid or not, it is time for him to GO, GO, GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!