I know what you mean, ddakan. I came here looking to vent, and I found that I was pushing more and more for my "rights" with the kids and with DW. I think this will settle down over time - I'll end up being less and less of a doormat, but not as much of a jerk as I am right know. For me this place was like a breath of fresh air, finally someone saying to me "It's okay to be frustrated, it's okay to wish they weren't in your house/your life/whatever". Now my job is to find the middle ground between that and doormat-dom so that I don't completely alienate everyone in my life.

Hopefully we'll all find some peace here. For hu11aba1oo2, if you've got good communication, that's the best thing there can be. I wouldn't give up my step family for anything, even with all the heartache they've given me. I count myself lucky - along with my lovely DW, I inherited four kids, three of which I love dearly, and one who... well, she doesn't live with u s, and she's got a lot of shit to work on. Don't love her, hate her sometimes, but in general she's a good person who got the severely short end of the stick and is in a hard situation. FEel bad for her, for sure.

Now I'm rambling so I'll stop, but I wish you all happiness and peace and respect.

DaeganX I feel the same way. At first my ss15 was a huge bully but now he is calm and he is a good kid and sees his mom for what she is. That was very apparent with us tonight. All my step kids are good ss11 just came to me and gave me a $ that was left in the laundry. He had no idea who's it was so he gave it to me. I can leave money stuff out and they don't touch it. I know that when I first got them there were so many issues but now it seems all worth it. They do not disrespect me or their dad, they are normal teens. We can even play around and tease each other. I am blessed that my skids did not fall for their mom PASing them. She did try but they saw her BS!

I came here to help b/c I'm in a very good place and to vent about bm as she doesn't seem to live in reality. I have to admit that it does make me feel better.

I was just telling my counselor, "sometimes I think I feel worse when I read my forum"

But now I see... StepAside is right... it is like you realize what is going on, and make steps to change it... by changing your reactions. It is hard at first, standing up for yourself (and your own bio kids) but it helps in the long run.

I have noticed that my BF has started to respect me a little more... and that I feel better about being there. That is the reward for not being a door mat any more!

I agree. I used to beat myself up so much for not loving SD in the same way as my DBSs. I thought that all "good" SMs felt exactly the same about BKs and SKs. It was such a relief to find out that I was normal, not evil. I have a pretty good situation. BM is a worthless POS, SD has a lot of issues, but DH and I are on almost always on the same page about discipline, rules, etc. Which is what has saved our marriage. It would never, ever work if he didn't back me up 100%. Of course it wasn't a perfectly smooth road. We have our bumps and potholes, but parenting is a joint venture in our house.

I think a lot of problems that people vent about on this website are problems that might not occur if the person stands up for themselves. Especially in regards to your SO.

It makes me think of someone in a verbally abusive relationship, you change your reactions and it will automatically change the reactions of the others in the situation. In fact, a lot of times their behavior will get WORSE for a while trying to get you to fall back in line with the status quo.

But you cannot heal a wound without getting the infection out. Getting the infection out means standing up for yourself. Standing up for yourself can lead to more fights, especially if you are not a person who usually stands up for yourself. But the end result is more respect - both from the people around you as well as from yourself, increasing your own self esteem.

Of COURSE a person is going to get angry when they post their problems and others can clearly see where the poster is being wronged.

Great discussion. When things are going well, I don't even look at this site. It is when we hit a bump in the road or I am afraid that I am becoming too negative talking to my family and friends or I feel like the unreasonable one that I turn here and see that I am not alone. It makes me feel like less of a negative nelly around my girlfriends who are mostly single and thought I was crazy to acquire 3 teenage skids in the first place!

I hope I can learn to love my skids like ddakan and StepAside. I try to always see the positive in them and have compassion becuase they were virtually abaondoned by by BM for a boyfriend who keeps her (she does not work) and they are not always welcome in their home. Can you imagine? I can't. I don't make excuses for them and not expect them to be great because of that, I think that may be more cruel. But, it does make me more understanding and hopefully more compassionate and more of a positive force, at least I try!

I think it's important to find a happy medium between what you find here & what you apply in your home/situation.

This site is loaded with frustrated stepparents who generally come here to present the worst of things. It's a venting site. It's where many people purge the ugliest dirtiest thoughts & feelings that we can't purge in our homes. There is a lot of negativity to read here, & hopefully some good advice/support to follow.

We are all at different points in our marriages/relationships with our husbands, bf's, BM's & skids, so not everything we read here will apply or work for everyone.

As I was finding myself beginning to despise parts of my home life that I previously hadn't, I realized that every now & then I need to step back & take a break so that the negativity from here doesn't interfere with my feelings toward my family.

Take from the site what helps you. Leave whatever doesn't here.

I noticed something about my DH that used to drive me nuts that's similar to what you mention. Him & one of his friends hang out sometimes in the evenings. When I'd be around & could hear the conversation, I noticed it was ALWAYS DH talking about what a bitch BM always was & how bad she treated him. The friend would reply with, "Well, you think that's bad...my 'old lady (that's "wife" in the south. LOL!) used to blah...blah...blah. DH would come back with, "Well, my ex old lady did that too, & THEN she did blah...blah...blah. They were constantly having a pissing contest over who had the worst ex. This was their conversation EVERY time.

I finally pointed out to DH that it can't be a good thing to have your focus on everything bad that you have ever lived through, & be trying to convince people that you've had a harder life than they ever had. It's stupid! I suggested the next time they get together that he start a pissing match about who has the best wife. It'd serve them both well to focus on what they have to appreciate. Brag about the good in your life! And I did tell him that I'd better NEVER hear him refer to me as his "old lady".

That's funny because I was talking to a fellow steptalker the other day and we were saying the same thing. I agree with Step Aside as well...I need to vent and let it out. I think I feel guilty for a lot of these things on my mind, like I shouldn't have such a problem with SD's they are not my kids and I should just accept things. But it's not that easy and I can't force myself to get there either.

Ddakan, I will be GONE for the holidays next year with or without my bf. I do not feel the need to be very traditional anymore, I am a grown woman and don't yet have a family of my own and so I don't have responsibility for Santa and all that crap. If bf wants to play Santa with SD's in their 20's he can do that all day long but I'm all set. I'm not invited to the family's house so perhaps I will be visiting friends out of state next year. I really would not hesitate to do that. I need something more than this at the holidays...I'm ready to move on. I would love him to come but if he doesn't...see you after New Year's!

iloveit,
I struggle with what you said too:

"I think I feel guilty for a lot of these things on my mind, like I shouldn't have such a problem with SD's they are not my kids and I should just accept things. But it's not that easy and I can't force myself to get there either."

Sometimes I feel that if I just accept things, I am making it worse. They have only had their Dad who does not expect much from them. I think it is unfair and is setting them up to fail in the future (the BM has already said multiple times that she thinks SS19 should collect disability like her and never work).Maybe I was placed here for something other than falling madly in love with their Dad. Is it to treat them normal, not like entitled little brats or wounded birds who will never accomplish anything. It is tough. I have been told I am mean more than once by both DH and skids for things as simple as asking one of them to pick up their shoes from the middle of the floor. My NY resolution is to say less and lead by example. Saying less will be difficult.

What I want to be...I read your other post and also have girlfriends who are either single or with guys a little younger than us who do not have anywhere close to the amount of baggage that my bf does. In some ways I am envious of not having all this shit to deal with but like I have said before...I fell in love with him and had no control over that. I have found little by little that it's not ok to alienate my friends with all my drama. I can talk to them sometimes but I'm very careful not to dump my life on them constantly or shove anything down their throats. They are always there for me and super supportive but their problems are...my bf is always late when he takes me out to dinner and oh we don't want to go back to the same club for the 3rd weekend in a row. Oh if only these were my problems right now!

It is definitely frustrating when you see someone making these parenting decisions and know that you could contribute positively but find you have to continuously bite your tongue because they are not your children. The reason why my SD's are not well adjusted is because both parents want them to remain little girls and haven't quite figured out how to let go. I know nothing about this because I do not have children. In a way I can understand wanting to keep them little but...you just can't. It does nothing for these women to enable their immature behavior because they just do not feel like having the responsibility of being an adult. I have never seen people in their 20's act so immaturely and it is concerning to me. I worry about my own children but I know that I would NOT parent the same way. My bf is a wonderful man, very kind and generous and dedicated to his kids which I respect. However...he won't ask for help and thinks he's got them under control and sometimes I don't think he does and it's ok to ask for opinions of other people but he won't do that. I wish he would back off and let them figure out their own lives...they are adults and he won't acknowledge that.

I am not having a great day and there are a bunch of factors that have contributed to that but today is a guilty day for me. Yesterday I didn't care and the day before I was worried/concerned about something else. It's such a roller coaster and today is one of those days I just want to get off the ride.

I go through ups and downs as well. There have been about 3 times where I've taken a short hiatus (just a couple of weeks) from StepTalk exactly for the reason that I feel like I'm getting a little *too* bitter. I don't think it's necessarily anything to do with the people here, it's just the nature of the site -- it is a place to vent, so it is filled with negativity. If you get sucked in daily sometimes it's hard to see the good things about your own life. Sometimes I actively seek out posts that seem a little more positive, as they tend to be the ones that get overlooked the most as well. It seems to help balance things.

I'm probably not qualified to respond to this since I chose to end my relationship with my BF who I love and miss very much, but I came to this site out of frustration with feeling alone and scared that there was something wrong with me that I felt like I did about his kids, the way I was treated by them, the way he doesn't parent them, on and on. I found that had BF and I already married, I would rely on the experience of others to help me find ways to keep it together and bitch about it and laugh about it when I could and do the best I could.

I found this site very helpful and got some good advice. I read, researched and found answers that I needed to make a more informed decision. I think we use this place as each of us need to. It's how you look at it. I think I would have gone insane and been sentenced to a rubber room without the support of knowing there were others with my same problems who get it!

I do not feel that the vents made me break up with BF. I found this place because I was already that frustrated. I probably tried harder and had better direction in my efforts because of this. It was BF's absolute lack of ability to communicate about any of this that made me realize it takes real partnership to make step families work.

Sad and depressed? Absolutely. The fault of coming here? Not.

I have had this thought. Stuff that never bothered me before bothers me now that this site has pointed out to me that it should. I try to keep it in perspective but it can be tricky. I guess I am more easily influenced then I thought. I dont want to be the skid hating step mom that thinks poorly of her DH's and hates the BM's and notices there every fault and issue. I do notice things now that I didn't before...and maybe that's good....who knows....but it didn't bother me before so why should I let it now? What kind of life do I want? A happy one? Then why look for issues where I wasn't finding them before. I have to remind myself of this!