So, I promise to eventually reply to all the supportive and open comments I got on my first string here, describe the wonderful experiences Ive had since then, the new ring around my finger, how he put it there, all the happy gooey etc., but at the moment Im just miserable and need some of the immediate services this blog provides. With or without responses, this forum has saved much emotional strife and has significantly reduced my therapy costs!

But Tarentino-skip to now, we're engaged, and set to legally marry in the new year, then have a larger ceremony later when we can get everyone together and when we can pay for it. Its great, and I fully intend to go through with it, and am secure in my decision to hitch my wagon to his half ton, but apparently the ring box came with an elephant, we're keeping it in the corner by the bookshelf.

It had recently become apparent that he no longer wished to have children with me. Tarentino-flash again to the first two years (before the little 6 yr old paycheck deduction bundle of joy showed up), and he was trying to convince me to have A COUPLE of kids when we settled down, he originally gleefully spouted out -WHEN SS ASKED HIM IF WE WOULD HAVE BABIES-I might add (his mom was knocked up again, funny how easy it is for her), "I'd like to have three!" Of course this was to my utter terror, I'm still not sure what I want to do, or if I would like to breed, but I wanted the option, so the deal we made right there and then was one, MAYBE, and if not a dog. Tarentino flash forward, two wordy gunfight scenes and Uma Thurman later, he says he does not want to have any more children. I (summoning the emotional chill of Cthulu) advised him that that was not our arrangement, and he would do well to stick to his agreements. I compromised, I said IF I decide it would be ok for us to try, we would try for a year, and if it didnt work out we'd get a puppy. Hence my plans for a Belgian Tevuren.

Now he's starting to sound quietly bitter about even that idea, miserable about the thought, even. He expresses it subtly but its very strong, he DOES NOT want to try and have kids with me. Meanwhile, the closer I get, the further I slip from my original inklings of "ew, child." I'm not sure if its biology or psychosis or the weight of impending nuptuils, but Im starting to. . . w.. .whaa. . want a cchh. . .chhilld.... ohIfeeldirty. Ive never been excited about the idea. Ive always been scared of the responsibility and never wanted to even consider it until my situation was so secure I could plan around tree growth. While this personality crisis is incredibly concerning, it also amps up the hurt a thousandfold. He was once excited about the idea of us breeding. Even a tiny bit pushy for a little while. Then bonus kid shows up through DFS and he turns 30, and now its over? What? You only knock up irresponsible psychotic crack whores? You're willing to give two women who should be sterilized by the state, one pawning the government for free psychadellic and opiate medications, and the other working for cash under the table so she can sell pot and scam each of the 3 different dads that produced her kids for as much cash as she can get? But you're not willing to have one with me, in the home we risked my credit to get, in the family I struggled with you to build. I can go through giving you a home, helping your family when your dad died, write and pay for your divorce, your custodial child (in general), etc. but we cant have a kid. Right. I get it. No that doesnt devalue me at all.

Of course I was incredibly devalued when we met by my own attitude and experiences, I had just recovered from a lengthy period of depression, but over time I have grown pride and security, and I had a working partner through all of it, and he obviously has one too. Now Im proud of us and myself, and occasionally find a reason or two to spread my tail feathers and chirp the song of "Im So Awesome", and Id like to think my partner is proud of me too. Giving off the message, I'd-rather-die-than-breed-with-you, isnt really the way to show that.

And then of course, around all of this, Im not a big proponent of marraige in general unless its important and/or necessary. We have equity now, issue is we = ME, and that equity needs to be merged into a legally respected partnership so he can be secure in his home without having to approve and get on the mortgage. I of course also need to get him on the title but thats me being a slacker. Also, the whole reason Marraige was created as a legal arrangement in this country and not left as common law or a religious formality was to secure the line of equity and family inheritance. You marry as a couple to secure and merge your assets under your incorporated umbrella of ownership. All offspring are future board members of said equity/incorporation, and securing that equity in a legally recognized merger makes it difficult for any outside party to interject and take or dispute that property, equity, etc. Its a way to secure and privatize assets. If I have no offspring to take on said built equity, what in the hell am I getting married for? Yes, getting on his insurance would be brilliant and cost effective. No our state does not recognize civil unions so I cant do one of those instead. Yes I want him to be able to benefit from my social security, other financial benefits, and vice versa. Yes I also have this tiny glittery spot of childhood glamour left in a dark dusty corner somewhere that still has the pillowcase over its head and the clover bouquet. Yes my love for him is enough to satisfy said case-clad child - she wants a wedding but she's not unsensible, you have to love the guy, even though boys are smelly-gross and full of cooties.

So the wedding will still go on, our relationship will continue, and most likely I will cave, have my puppy and enjoy it thoroughly, and eventually be secure in my puppy-mommy lifestyle, but its supposed to be my choice/our decision, which we already made, and to experience that level of misery at the idea of having a kid with me is hurtful on a level I really cant express to him yet. Its making me bitterly hateful to SS, and I radiate so FDH knows this is bothering me, but this cant continue. He's gone back on a very serious agreement, Im werewolfing into a biological clock, SS is nervous but happy because Im leaving him alone but knows Im fuming about something. What in the hell kind of compromise can remedy this?

I dont know nuthin' 'bout birthin' no babies.

MA