Disapointed in FH and FSS12
I bit my tongue all weekend and it was very difficult for me. I'm trying to look at disengaging as a good thing and a way to save my sanity but even though I didn't say anything to FH about what I was thinking and feeling I am still feeling it. I've got to get a handle on the emotional responses to everything or else not only am I feeling stressed but now I can't talk it out with FH anymore.
As I posted in previous blogs, the issues with FSS12 have gotten worse...rapidly. I care for FSS very much but no longer feel that I should voice my opinion when asked by FH. FSS has been suspended from school for various reasons and he has been grounded by BM. For once BM is actually following through with the punishment. Cell phone GONE. Video games GONE. TV GONE. He's doing chores, homework and reading and that's it. I have to say I am shocked that BM actually held him to this all week because usually she gives in within days. FH on the other hand - HUGE dissapointment. Nothing changed this weekend. SS got to play video games with his cousin all weekend long. Stayed up late and contributed nothing to the house. Before going home to BM last night SS was even told "Don't tell your mom you were playing video games over here". WOW. I would think after the seriousness of whats going on FH would have done SOMETHING.
Honestly I am disgusted my the lack of parenting by FH at this point. I don't know why he even bothers to ask me what I think he should do since he does the complete opposite. I didn't say a damn thing about any of it all weekend - even though my blood was boiling. Even when FH took SS home last night he had a little run in with BM and he was texting me complaining about her and all I said was "I'm sorry, that sucks". Its not even worth my time commmenting on any of these things to FH anymore. I didn't clean up after any of them this weekend. I didn't make dinner for them this weekend; I left it all up to FH. But I can't say it made me feel much better to do it.
Recently someone was kind enough to point out to me that I am NOT a step mom. I'm NOT a wife. I am simply the girlfriend (we are engaged). I'm still wasting my time worrying about SS and how FH parents - or doesn't parent him, and how BM sabotages everything. I need to accept the fact that I am only the GF. Nothing I think or want for any of them really matters even if FH asks me for my advice - its all pointless. Even if and when we get married I will just be a SMINO because BM doesn't want me playing mom to her son and FH is too busy being buddies with FSS. Thankfully, I have a decent relationship with FSS because I try to be his friend not his parent but I wish for so much better for him and I already see a very dark future for him that I can't change.
I am trying to dissengage and not think or worry. I stepped out of the entire situation this weekend and it felt awful but I know this is what I have to do. I hope FH will someday realize he needs to step up and can't look to me to push him anymore.
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I decided years ago I don't
I decided years ago I don't want any kids of my own and I'm thankful that I've stuck by that decision. There is NO WAY IN HELL I could allow MY child to do half the things FSS is allowed to do and I can't imagine sticking my head in the sand and ignoring this downward spiral as his father does. It makes me sad to wathc an otherwise good, smart kid make half assed decisions because his parents aren't looking out for him. I hae to keep reminding myself that I AM NOT A PARENT and I have NO IDEA what I'm talking about. It's just no OK to me to lie and steal and get away with it and the lack of action taken against FSS just tells him he can get away with ANYTHING. If only FH knew just how much less I respect him. It makes me look at him differently and I know I should be able to seperate him from his role as a parent but I haven't figured it out yet.
Unfortunately there was the
Unfortunately there was the lying and stealing and fighting that happened leading up to why FSS was supposed to be grounded in the first place. The fact the FH not only didn't uphold any punishment he also compounded the problem by telling FSS to lie to his BM. And MIL went right along with the whole "don't tell your BM or else dad will get yelled at later". UGH.
* If only FH knew just how
* If only FH knew just how much less I respect him. It makes me look at him differently and I know I should be able to seperate him from his role as a parent but I haven't figured it out yet.*
Maybe you shouldn't be trying to see him outside his role of parent. I think that says a lot about the kind of man a dad is. DH is a wonderful father to his kids, I tell him so often. I also tell him he wouldn't be the man I love if he weren't a great dad. Granted, he has 4 kids and 3 exes. He could so easily have done like so many dads, moved on after Sybil, devoted himself to me and ignored his kids...but it's not in him to do that. We have SS10 and SD5 now, because he was worried about their environment at Sybil's place. He's also reconnecting with SS13, after his mom changed his last name to her maiden name and kicked DH out of his life. SD23 also sees more of her dad than she used to, we welcome her to visit anytime.
I don't know your FH, but for myself, I'd respect DH a lot less if he ignored his kids and any issues they have. I don't know if I'd have married him, if I didn't respect him, and he, me.
We talked about his exes and all the kids' situations, before marrying. He ASKED me if it was a problem if SS10 and SD5 ended up living with us, and promised I wouldn't be doing it all for them if they did. He's stuck to that. We discuss discipline, if he's not around, I let him know what's happened and how I handled it. (no kids myself, so I'm not used to day-to-day squabbles and such). He's never once said I overreacted or over-punished them. Nor does he back down. If they need grounded, time-out, whatever, they get it.
I guess my point is, if these two were going to be around for 8 and 13 more years without MY having a say in how they act in OUR home...THAT would be a dealbreaker for me. I love DH dearly, but I couldn't stay if the kids ran the house.
And don't jump on me folks. I know different arrangements work in different families. Some SMs are fine letting DH handle the kids, some disengage because of various things. This is my life, and my opinion based on it.
I totally appreciate your
I totally appreciate your point of view. It is a struggle for me to decide what I can and can't live with and accept. Dissengaging right now is what I will use to cope until I can determine if it's worth it or not. I have no idea if it will help me or make me resent my FH and SS. I have a lot of things to ask myself as far as what my priorities are and what I am willing to over look. Can I respect a man that I don't think is being a good parent? I never thought so negatively about him as a Dad until recently though - maybe its just an isolated inccident and I can move on and see things differently? Or maybe he is really a bad parent. But then I have to wonder is it because he is being lazy? Or he just doesn't know better? Or does he think he's making good decisions and I just happen to disagree? Since I am not a parent can I even really fairly say what is good vs bad parenting? I just don't know. What I do know is that I am frustrated with this situation.
thanks for your outlook on this!
I agree with Luv..... What a
I agree with Luv.....
What a lack of respect your FDH has shown both you and the BM.
So, when you're married and you tell your future bios "no", is he going to override you all the time, trying to be good cop, always placing you in the role of bad cop?
I know its the emotions and
I know its the emotions and stress talking but I find myself wondering alot lately if I am meant to marry him. I try to seperate FH MY SO and FH the parent but its hard. How can I marry a person I don't respect? I hope I can COMPLETELY disengage and see him the way I used to before all of this started heppening.
This is one of those moments
This is one of those moments when the truth hurts. I agree - when I think about this weekend I think he's being a crappy dad and crappy BF and if I do marry him then I can't go into it thinking anything will be different. I see the red flags and it scares me.
But then I think about other situations before this and think FH just does the best he can when BM is being a nightmare and I can't expect more from him when his hands are tied. That's probably making excuses for him though.
My heart hurts for you
My heart hurts for you Happyhippos. I hope that I didn't offend you previously by saying that you were only a GF and not a SM. Divorced family situations are just plain hard. For everyone. And as much as a SM or GF wants to get involved and HELP EVERYONE, unfortunately we are seldom welcome to help. That was the point I was trying to make. I'm so sorry if that came out wrong.
"I hae to keep reminding myself that I AM NOT A PARENT and I have NO IDEA what I'm talking about." --> You may not be a Parent biologically, but you certainly DO know what you're talking about when it comes to parenting a child. It's too bad FH isn't listening to you more.
When I read your blog, it seemed to me that FH may be trying to win FSS's affection by taking advantage of BM finally sticking to punishments. Do you think FH still wants custody but he wants to make sure that FSS is on his side before going to court? Or is FH just using this opportunity to be the cooler parent?
JASM - you didn't offend me
JASM - you didn't offend me at all! I totally appreciate all your advice and POV's. You helped put this mess into a clearer perspective for me! WHY should I be the one pushing FH all the time (even if he asks for the push) if he isn't going to follow through? You're right in saying I am just the GF because thats the only responsibility I have to this situation no matter how much DH asks me for input. I wish he would listen to me more when he asks for my advice but in the end HE is the parent not me so I just don't feel like playing this game with him anymore. In the end I just feel angry and sad.
I have NO IDEA what FH thinks he is accomplishing by completely sweeping SS's behavior under the rug like this. I was honestly STUNNED that there was NO punishment at all this weekend. I think what SS did was extremely serious. If FH was using this as a way to be the "cool" parent or was using it as a way to win over SS as far as the custody topic goes - I think thats just a terrible excuse for not taking control of things. At this point I have no idea if FH will pursue custody because of all the horror stories I told him and the financial burden. AND because I just don't think I should push him anymore (he asked me to push BUT I don't want him to resent it later). Honestly, if this is the way FH is going to parent SS now that things have gotten worse DO I REALLY WANT HIM LIVNING WITH US FULL TIME??? I know that's selfish of me because all along I wanted SS to be with us and I know that its better for him than being with BM full time....I just didn't think FH would totally GIVE UP on giving SS structure, boundaries and discipline. HE's TURNING INTO ANOTHER VERSION OF BM...in a way. UGH.
Again, I thank you for your advice. YOU did not say anything wrong of offend me in any way. You've been nothing but helpful in caring - much more than you know.
I think you said it best: **I
I think you said it best:
**I love my SS. I have always wanted so much better for him. I know that I could have given SS a better childhood than BM did.
How many other Sparents think this way? To be honest, I still do.
But, it was not within my control. Even if I had been able to convince DH, it still wasn't my place. **
You are RIGHT. It is not my place to be a better parent to SS than his BM OR his BD. I MUST accept this! It isn't my place! So instead I come here to ST to vent my confusion and frustration because no one else would ever understand all the self doubt, judgements of BM and FH, confusion and sadness.