Comment from DF on how I treat the pets and skids differently made me think...
We woke up Sunday morning and my fiance looked out on our back deck to see that the garbage bag that he'd put out there had been torn into. (Let me add that he knows better than to put our garbage out there because our puppy always gets into it, but he still does it when he's being lazy and doesn't want to walk to our front door and out to the garage...or if he's still in his underwear I guess!) He immediately grabbed our dog, shoved his nose in it, yelled at him, and then our dog ran into the kennel so he shut it on him to give him a "time out".
I came out and asked what the commotion was all about. He told me that our dog had gotten into the garbage outside that night. I said, "Actually, you didn't see that yesterday? It must have happened Friday night, but I left it for you to clean up because it was your fault you put it out there." We've gone through this before...wasn't being mean to him just stating the facts. Then I said, "Well Dog doesn't even know what he's in trouble for now because it's been at least a day since he did the crime, and I had punished him when I first found it, so it doesn't make a lot of sense to punish him now."
DF said, "Geez, I feel like you give the pets all kind of excuses for acting up but when the (s)kids act up you are don't give them an inch. The cat pees on the carpet because he's scared of the dog or because his litter box isn't clean enough, or the dog gets in the trash bag because a human left it out there. He should know better by now. I could give Son (SS3) a million excuses for why he acts the way he does, but I don't."
EEK. Now I'm finding myself wondering if I am too hard on the skids or if I harbor some resentments towards them that are coming out in my discipline. I know that DF and I both feel like we have the more strict household and that it is good thing for the skids because we are teaching them responsibility and they have punishments that fit the crimes, and they have learned that talking back gives them a punishment, and that they get rewarded for being good and polite. I constantly feel like we are correcting behaviors that are not being corrected at BM's, so I am definitely harder on them than their BM is. I found myself starting to think that I'll just back off a little then and let DF do the disciplining (ah hem, disengaging?) but I know that's not what he wants to happen either. However, I do miss being the "fun" one.
Then of course I worry that I will be easier on my own child than the skids...since I'm apparently easier on my own pets? *sigh*
Any words of wisdom?
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I'd say it's a great moment
I'd say it's a great moment to reflect as you're doing honestly. I dont' see why stepmoms CAN'T be the fun one! I'd say let up a little and let him take the reigns of discipline and you take the role of backing him up. I would take it to heart. I have to admit people that are hung up on their pets more then their kids really make my skin crawl. I've seen parents be this way with their own bio-kids....they love on and tolerate and excuse and have more patience and pictures on their mantels, and more discussions w/their friends...about their dog/cat instead of their kids. That's just plain f'ed up.
I think it's natural for people to be harder on their skids then their own kids, at least from what I've been seeing and reading. And at the same time I find that sparents that aren't parents themselves tend to be the hardest of them.
It's JMO that a Smom might discipline her skids more then a sdad would discipline the skids.
And non-parents tend to be less patient, understanding, tolerant or able to choose their battles then parents are. Generalties here of course there are exceptions. That's just how life is. Kids teach you a lot of patience, especially if you've carried, birthed and been there since birth. Each stage in development helps you develop tolerance/acceptance/patience for the next stage.
Yes the cat peeing on the
Yes the cat peeing on the floor and not in the box is definitely an issue! I know that
I only justify it because he likes a clean litter box and NEVER has an issue if it's clean. It's DF's job now that I'm pregnant and it doesn't get cleaned now as often as it should...so the cat peed on the carpet about a week or so ago. Gross, gross, gross...when we discovered we were both so mad about it, but then I looked in the litter box and it was a mess! So I made an excuse for the cat...
DO NOT TOUCH THE CAT LITTER
DO NOT TOUCH THE CAT LITTER IF YOU ARE PREGNANT - IT CAN CAUSE MISCARRIAGES!!!!
If you have ever seen the damage a self cleaning box can cause when it catches a cats leg you would not even consider it!!!
And no as a pregnant lady she should not ever be touching it - it is not the fumes that you breathe that can cause problems:
Ever heard someone say that pregnant women shouldn't change the kitty litter? Did you think is was an old wives tale? It's not.
Toxoplasmosis is an infection caused by the parasiteToxoplasma gondii. It affects almost all animals including humans. Toxoplasmosis is not dangerous to the normal healthy adult. Many people do not even know that they have the infection as they might only have mild flu-like symptoms or no symptoms at all. Toxoplasmosis is dangerous to the unborn child where the infection can affect the baby's eyes and brain. It is very uncommon and the records show only fifteen recorded babies affected per year. (compared with 800,000 births) in the United Kingdom
Toxoplasmosis is the reason women should avoid cat boxes (and rare or uncooked meat) during pregnancy. It is caused by a parasite.
Everyone can be affected by this however, it is usually not a problem for an adult to have toxoplasmosis. However in the immunosuppressed patient, or a newborn, you can have serious illness, prematurity, miscarriage or death occur.
Actually you can say that hubby is not doing right by the animals as well as the kids - he put garbage where it should not be and he is not cleaning the litter -
Sorry, lol don't buy that
Sorry, lol don't buy that either. Dogs/cats DO learn how to properly use the litter box/potty outside. Most of it has to do with how they were trained
They are ALSO supposed to grow out of accidents and learn where to do their bsns.
Some are just "those" pets that dont' learn or are just nasty mean and mark everywhere-but if they use it consistently and then dont'-they KNOW they're doing wrong-for whatever reason, proper training, they are mad, etc...but pets DO know.
My dog I can count the n of accidents in one hand since I brought her home at 10wks-now years later. Same with my cat. Full or clean litter box.
Only time cat's had an accident is if the door to where her litter box is was closed.Cats can get finicky about dirty litter boxes though-especially if they are used/trained with them always clean-so in her case I see where she's coming from.
And yes her DH seems to be avoiding his responsibilities with the litter box and garbage also-BUT self-reflection is positive. It means we recognize we BOTH have areas we could improve/grow in.
I'd say also go with gloves
I'd say also go with gloves or invest in a self-cleaning litter box rather then put up with that. You can remind your DH but chances are..if he's like every other guy you may have to put up w/the lesser of two evils.
As for a 3yr old-sometimes our expectations are too high-especially if you haven't had kids of your own yet. I think you might be able to have a little more empathy once your own is arround-kids have a way of blessing us with patience
Crayon-
The fact that this OP is reflecting on her own actions is a good thing. I don't understand why you deflect and excuse away anything that inspires self-reflection and personal growth. You seem to avoid it like the plague.
Obviously you aren't
Obviously you aren't understanding that the OP is reflecting on her own reactiosn towards her skids..that's growth, yes.
I'm not grasping WHERE your confusion lies or what you're implying I'm saying??
Dear heavens Maux...sometimes
Dear heavens Maux...sometimes I honestly wonder what your throught process is. So I refuse to "explain" further as youre assumption about comparisons/growth is totally and entirely off what I am saying. In other words-you dont' get it. That's ok.
Thanks Luv, and yes I agree.
Nobody is saying kids
Nobody is saying kids shouldn't grow up...but adults have growing up to do as well...LIFE teaches us things..including taking inventory of how WE react.
The entitlement generation doesn't stop w/the kids-adults that constantly use deflection, excuse making and avoid responsibility are ALSO self-absorbed and lacking and character IMO.
The ONLY person you CAN change, is you.
If the OP thinks-hey you know what my Dh is excusing this because of his inaction, that's his issue...but he made a point and "it made me think". So I'm going to work on that part of myself because THAT I CAN do. It's actually simple
Crayon/Maux: I definitely see
Crayon/Maux: I definitely see your point and agree that we can't really compare cats and dogs to humans as humans can reason, expect consequences for their actions and weigh their decisions. However, I also agree with the others that YES pets can be trained. My dog is 9 months old so he's definitely still in training mode...and the cat, well he's finicky as all hell so I know that's in issue in itself. I'm currently trying to find someone I know who will adopt him so he can be in a more peaceful home, which will make him a happy camper indeed, thus eliminating any stress that could be leading to his peeing.
Overit2: I'm going to make a few changes so I can be the "fun" one again! Let go a little...let DF have more reign in the household with his kids. We'll see what happens, as I certainly trust him and his parenting skills, and have probably taken over a little too much anyway.
Luv them all... : I love your idea about writing stuff down and comparing it to my biological child in a few years. This would be a GREAT exercise for me personally! Thank you for the suggestion! Also, yes I'm going to take charge of the litter box!
Thank you to those of you who understood that I'm trying to do some soul-searching and looking into myself for answers before trying to place blame on others or my situation. I am especially appreciative to the comments regarding that when I'm a bio parent that I will grow through my kid's stages, which will provide me with more of a background to the child to help my patience and understanding grow WITH them. I think that is a very valid point and it made me feel like I had a better grasp on my situation (meaning this blog was successful!). Fact is, I haven't been there since birth with my skids or been along every step of the way so it completely makes sense that I wouldn't necessarily have as much patience or understanding of them. I consider myself a very patient person and I am an educator/coach so I guess that's part of my personality naturally, but that certainly doesn't mean that I am perfect by any means, or that I would be the most perfect disciplinarian for kids that aren't even mine. Mix in a little resentment/bad feelings towards BM and it adds more to complicate those feelings. I don't consciously project my feelings towards BM onto the kids but that is a worry I have sometimes when I feel like the bad guy. I think it's safe for me to worry about it though because it makes me keep myself in check.
Thanks for the helpful comments!
Naah, your DH deflected his
Naah, your DH deflected his responsiblity. What an ass! Punishing the dog for opening the bag up. Nice job taking out the trash 1/2 way. And then getting Pissed and deflecting on an Innocent animal. He should be tarred and covered with used cat litter. I hated when people don't take responsibility for their mistakes & I really hate abusing animals.