Grass isn't always greener
The grass isn't always greener on the otherside! I left a 18 year marriage because of the verbal abuse my son and I delt with when DH didn't get his way, and the fact that we lived with his mom for 18 years :sick: Anyway, now I have an amazing relationship with someone I went to high school with, and we r getting married in 1 month.
Is it shallow for me to want to run from this relationship because of bipolar BM making his life hell because of me. I actually think that the only time I had true peace in my life was when I lived alone. It would kill me to leave my relationship now, but to deal with the nutcase that will never leave him alone :sick: don't know if I want to put the craziness back in my life.
He owes 20,000 in back CS because he never put a verbal agreement into place, now she may come after him for it. It took 2 years for us to build his credit (with my money) so we can buy a house and create some sort of security for all of us, and just as we find a house, BAM!!! I want more money, here is braces. Do I stay or do I go???? :?
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i'm sorry but i would run as
i'm sorry but i would run as fast as my legs would take me! i am trying to make it in a very bad situation that sounds similar to yours. it is no way shape or form fun. just really think about what you are getting yourself into before you say i do, please. good luck!!
"...I now think my first
"...I now think my first marriage was not so terrible..."
You never know what you have until it's gone has never felt more real to me than it does right now! I was actually just telling my therapist in my last session that this marriage has made me realize that all three long-term relationships I had before this one (one was my 1st husband) were all better than the one I have now! I guess it took such a bad a experience to make me appreciate the good ones I had before - only unfortunately it's too late! Oh well - cest la vie, right?
"And like you, I was really very happy on my own."
Yes, I was much happier on my own than I am now, but obviously I didn't fully appreciate that either until now!
"Now I have a baby with DH so I have to make my marriage work."
Well good luck with that! I have personally determined that even though H & I have a baby together and he is my other son's "Daddy" too, it will be much better for everyone if H & I stop "trying" to make this work and accept the reality that it just won't work!
Read: Too Good to Leave, Too
Read: Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship
http://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350
I just started reading the book yesterday and I'm already on page 223 of 279, and even though I already knew what I wanted to do before I read this book, the book has helped me gain clarity of why I am making the right decision.
Good Luck!
OMG - I am on the same page
OMG - I am on the same page as you-somewhat. I did not have to deal w/the CS issues or his negative credit. But, I also left an 18 year marriage due to a verbally abusive ass, who cheated on me. I have been with my SO for 3 years now and moved in together 1 1/2 years ago. He also has a Bi-polar ex. I also want to run for the hills. I now know I should not have moved in with him. I assumed it would get better once I moved in because BM would then realize we were serious and I wasn't going anywhere. WRONG! It got worse. He keeps telling me he wants me to marry him and I keep telling him that I'm not up for that right now and I don't know if I ever will be. So many, many days I feel like life would be so much better if I lived with just my 18 yr old Bio son. There is so much drama now, and I left my ex to get away from drama.
I want to be the person in charge of my life and right now, his ex throws a wrench in our plans every chance she gets.
I wish I could give you any sort of advice here, but I guess I'm the last person who can do that for you. Good luck in whatever decision you make.
My problem is he is verbally
My problem is he is verbally abusive but has NOT cheated on me or hit me. Either one of those would be a deal breaker but it's hard for me to justify leaving because I was always told "sticks and stones..."
Ditto!
Ditto!
Oh, I am fully aware that I
Oh, I am fully aware that I am codependent. I need to fix all people's problems and probably that's what sucked me into DH's drama.
I have not read that book that mommylove talks about but I did go on a website that summerized its questions. I think the reason why people think it leans more towards telling people to leave is because people who are in bad relationships who probably SHOULD leave are the ones to pick this book up.
I am currently in the process of disengaging with DH and plotting my avenue of escape, so to say. Things are going great right now between us but I know from experience that that could change at ANY time.
At least we don't have kids together...
As a veteran of a verbally
As a veteran of a verbally abusive marriage, I have to tell you that it is just as bad as cheating and hitting. You cannot have an intimate relationship (in all senses of the word) with someone you don't trust not to hurt you. And verbal abusers are control freaks who use words to keep you in line, cut you down to size and manage you. Check out the book Verbal Abuse by Forward and Dr. Irene's verbal abuse site. Both are invaluable.
I HATE to agree; but I do.
I HATE to agree; but I do. Run! It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and can do well on your own; that is something I wish I had the strength to do. Good luck
lol...I did not know he had
lol...I did not know he had the problems until if fell in love with him and we were buying a house...thats when it all came out. He didn't have money because all his money went to the kids. So now what. I have a Mr. Nice guy who treats me like a queen but we wont have anything until all 4 kids are out. He is great with my kids too. They love him too. I'm so torn, I don't want to put them thru this again...Funny thing is my ex told me to come home. What a life
How old are your skids? How
How old are your skids? How much longer does he have to pay child support?
10 & 12
10 & 12
Oh brother, I was hoping your
Oh brother, I was hoping your skids were a little older! I think the title of your post says it all... the grass is not always greener on the other side. Before you run, I would make a list of pros and cons and really decide what is MOST important to you.
You say you have a great guy who treats you like a queen who unfortunately has 2 kids with a psycho, vindictive BM. Should your great guy be punished by losing someone he obviously loves and cares about (you) because of his past that he really has no control over? But then should you be unhappy in a marraige because of circumstances that you have no control over?
It is a really tough place to be, I know because I've been there. I chose to stay with my guy and marry him because he truly is the best thing that ever happened to me. There are days when BM acts up that I say wtf was I thinking?? But the good days far outweigh the bad, so i remind myself that I took him for "better or worse" and I have to take the good with the bad.
I guess what you need to decide in the next month is if you are willing to do that or not? My heart goes out to you, in the end I hope that you will do what will make YOU happy.
Thank you so much. It funny
Thank you so much. It funny because I posted and wanted everyones opinion but the funny thing is...I was really waiting for an opinion like yours. Even though I did take ever ones opinion and thought long and hard, because they make sense. But I alot of pros and the cons is his ex. I feel so bad for him...he doesn't blame me for leaving and he said until he met me, he was going to be alone and was ok with that. I say to myself, what a waist, this is a truley great hearted guy. He doesn't have a mean bone in him. When its just us OMG I know I made the right decision with my divorce. Its just the shit sandwich life handed him. If only we had a crystal ball. I'm hoping that like you said the good days far outweigh the bad.
I know some of you are saying RUN you stupid girl!!!!
I even wrote the ex an email today. I told her we got off on the wrong foot and I would like to try again, if not for us but for the kids. I am prepared for the worst but at least I tried everything to be civil. I am best friends with my ex. We work on everything together with the kids and have their best interest at heart and it makes it easier on everyone. As a matter of fact, he just got laid off and I told him don't worry about the CS for now. I will put it in writing for him too. Also, the CS is based on him having 2 overnights. Now I have them 5, I never went back to squeeze more money from him and for that he respects me. Funny how life is...my ex gets laid off and we will be short this month, his ex we have to pray doesn't go back on her word and go for back CS. What a situation. I know it wont be a problem financially if I take my ex back for more $ but I would never!!!!
Haha, I've lost count of how
Haha, I've lost count of how many times I thought why can't DH and his relationship with BM be like my relationship with my child's father?!?
The funny think is she is
The funny think is she is remarried for 5 years with 2 more kids. My ex is alone and has not moved on. Why is she so set to destroy him when she is married with 2 more kids. Why does she hate me, I never did anything to her. I went to the same high school and she tell people I was a bully then and I'm a bully now. she stereotyped me. I was never a bully , and I've been nothing but loving to FDH and his kids. How about a thank you
Nomi, I can relate to your
Nomi, I can relate to your story. I am also delaying my BF on the marriage thing because I don't think I can deal with his kids and the crazy BM forever. Also, the financial obligations that are still on the horizon with the skids 9 & 12 are almost too much to think about. The single life looks really, really attractive these days!
Ugggg. I don't know what to
Ugggg. I don't know what to do. The right thing will hurt too much
2 and a half years and lived
2 and a half years and lived together with the kids for 2. She's been mean and vindictive, but this is the worst. I hope she can live with herself after telling a my FDH that because she can't get life insurance and he lent her 7000.00 to now after 3 or 4 years reneg and want it back. Updating CS is one thing, but she is financially making sure he cannot survive and who is going to want to share a life with someone with so much financial obligation :? He told me to think hard, because this is what he will have to deal with, but shouldnt our love and respect for each other supersede that?
Thank you so much!!!! I have
Thank you so much!!!! I have alot to think about. Sucks that I was so sure for so long and now because of BM I am so unsure, and the worst is that it has nothing to do with the type of person he is.
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