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BIRTHDAY PARTIES

jjj111's picture

Submitted by jjj111 on Thu, 09/09/2010 - 4:32pm

I am living with a man who has two children from his former marriage so since we are not yet married I am not a stepmother (not technically). The girls are 5 and 6 and we get along very well, they both really like me, in fact the older child loves spending time with me and I with them, they are great kids. The ex doesn't really like me but she doesn't really know me. I did not break up their marriage, he was out of the house more than 2 years before I came along, either way I am not sure I would like a current girlfriend either if I looked at things from her point of view. Ok so she throws the children birthday parties every year and always invites my boyfriend. Should I be bothered by him going? Should he hold a separate party for her and start to disconnect from that? I know it seems petty but she also makes it a point to infiltrate his family events also as if she's part of his family still (she didn't want the divorce). I just feel so uncomfortable and don't know what is right. Please help.

Comments

Stpma's picture

Submitted by Stpma on Thu, 09/09/2010 - 4:36pm

That's what I love about living so far away from Psycho... We don't have to deal with that. I don't think I would ever wanna go myself but if DH was okay with it I guess we would just start throwing seperate events :?

hardatwork's picture

Submitted by hardatwork on Thu, 09/09/2010 - 4:58pm

how long have you been together? if it's serious then he can opt out and throw an event that he invites his family to, and her event can be her family. he doesn't have to go. my ex comes to our daugters party with his girlfriend. i could care less. and im sure things would be the same reversed, not that her father has ever thrown her a party. But that is the way we(me and DH) see it. i dislike SS BM. so we go to events for SS but don't hang out with BM. It's a win-win. and BM on your behalf needs to grow up. family events of your boyfriend that don't involve the kids she should stay out of, unless of course she was invited by his family. good luck! Smile

jjj111's picture

Submitted by jjj111 on Thu, 09/09/2010 - 6:33pm

We have been together for 3 years and his family does invite her, she just refuses to move on and go back to her own family. She just loves hanging around. If I was in her situation and he divorced me, I would want to move on and find my own life to heal. She does not. His family goes to her parties for the girls. I'm in a tough spot.

Totalybogus's picture

Submitted by Totalybogus on Thu, 09/09/2010 - 8:47pm

I think its beyond ackward to attend a party in the Lion's den. Your BF should have his own party for his child or a special dinner with cake and presents. I must say, even if my husband asked me to attend at party for his kids at his x-wife's house or even at in a neutral place if she was hosting it, hell would freeze over first.

I don't NOT get along with my husband's x - I don't communicate at all with her. That's his job. He just repeats what I say...lol!

jjj111's picture

Submitted by jjj111 on Fri, 09/10/2010 - 6:53am

Thanks. I understand it is important to all get along. It is hard for me when I am trying to become part of his family and she comes to his family gatherings. She does not like me and his parents have not had a chance to get to know me well but they did not want the divorce so she's part of the family. It will probably never be a nice situation. I hope for the best and thanks again. This stuff is so tough. On a side note, i have not been a stepparent for 3 years, i've been with him for 3 years. I have lived with him for only 6 months so this is new.

Mommyto1Stepto2's picture

Submitted by Mommyto1Stepto2 on Fri, 09/10/2010 - 8:18am

I would suggest separate parties. Now that our SSs are older they just have sleepovers and so we don't get invited. We just have a family night where we'll have cake, give them their presents, take them to dinner, etc.

wriggsy's picture

Submitted by wriggsy on Fri, 09/10/2010 - 11:36am

When the skids were younger, they always had birthday parties at a 3rd location and my daughter and I always attended. The gifts were always from Dad, Wriggsy, and the other two kids. I didn't waste money on outside birthday parties for my daughter, so they were at home and my ex-in-laws were always there (Both my DH and I get along really well with my ex-in-laws). As the kids have gotten older, DH and I have our own party for the birthday kid and invite our side of the family and the skids get another birthday party at their moms with her family. My daughter only gets the one party, but she's fine with it (but, it's usually a two day thing, too. Slumber party with dinner and a movie for her and a friend and then a family get together the next afternoon).

jjj111's picture

Submitted by jjj111 on Fri, 09/10/2010 - 1:22pm

Thanks for the advice. You say you get along well with your ex inlaws but how does that affect your ex husband and his significant other if he has one? Being in the position of the significant other it is really hard to penetrate a family who is set on spending time and never letting go of the ex. I know the old saying is "she will always be around so get used to it" but I don't believe that is is healthy to always have her around if the children are not involved. Unfortunately statistics say that first marriages fail 45% of the time and second marriages are at 60%. In my experience, i would imagine that ex wives and ex lives have a lot to do with second marriages not really ever feeling as normal as they could be. I understand there is a connection because of the children but sticking around more than you need to is unhealthy for everyone including the ex-wife who doesn't have a significant other in her life.