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Is it unreasonable to want your boyfriend to get rid of his wedding ring from the first marriage before we get married?

jjj111's picture

I am a single woman who has never been married. I was in a very long and serious relationship before this one, I ended it for various reasons but none of them were hateful. My whole life I have dreamed of marrying and having lots of children and ideally i never dreamed of having the baggage that I do in my current relationship. While I am by no means looking for a fairytale wedding, I do care about making things as traditional as possible when I do marry. My current boyfriend and I have been together for 3+ years, he's divorced and we live together. We have been talking about marriage recently thought there is one thing that bothers me a little. He still has the wedding ring from his first marriage and when I asked him what he thought of getting rid of it before we get married he refused. I think I would've been less concerned if he wasn't so passionate about keeping it he basically said "no, I will not, it's part of my past and I have a right to decide whether or not I will keep it...and i am not going to get rid of it" Am I being unreasonable for wanting this, I already have to deal with enough baggage from this prior marriage (2 kids--i do love them but all the same not my kids, ex wife, and ex-wife's intrusiveness to always be there at nearly every family function that his family has)... I just want us to be able to start as a couple alone, new, it means something to me.

Comments

alwaysanxious's picture

I think if its put away it will be ok. I second foxie, its more his past, not the ring itself. I still have mine, but my husband died. I know its a different situation, but I will never get rid of my wedding ring from my previous marriage. I do keep it put away and SO doesn't even know where I have it.

jjj111's picture

Thanks Foxie. His strong insistence was what worried me. Also, he has daughters, not sons. I would even feel better if he gave it back to his ex and she can give it to her girls later if they want it. They were too young to remember their marriage but even still that would great. This way it's not gone but not in our home.

threepointo's picture

I have to agree with the above. I too have never been married nor have bio kids. I find myself having the same thoughts as you do. Bottom line is that we have chosen a man with a past and that past have living breathing reminders. I am working through for myself if I have enough self confidence to not let it ruin a potentially good relationship. I doubt you would be dating him if he did not have the past he does...it's part of what makes him who he is now. I hope this is helpfull and again...I am in the same boat you are.

alwaysanxious's picture

OMG, how did you not slap him???? Its not like he is still around and a threat.
I was pretty adamant about my late husband's things. The one thing that is difficult now is still keeping up with his family. Its just not possible anymore. Its also difficult on me, so I don't fight to see them much.

jjj111's picture

Oh that's awful and I am very sorry for your loss, I know how you feel because my mom lost my dad in 2004 after 31 years of marriage, she had his ring reduced in size and wears them both. If he was a widower, I am pretty sure I would not object, it's different. The ring symbolizes ETERNAL love and eternity is finished on earth when one passes so to me the meaning would be different. His ex is still here...(if your religious path allows you to exist in the afterlife, then you may need to give up one of the rings if you plan on seeing both men again :)). I would never ask him to get rid of all of the other stuff. He can keep everything from her for all i care, watches, pictures, everything. She is always in our lives and am forced to accept this but why can't the ring's existence (or lack thereof) mean as much to me as it does to him?

iloveit's picture

"To ME it will always represent marriage to another woman and I would never be comfortable with it." Yes, exactly. This is my problem with it as well. I stumbled upon not one but TWO of his wedding bands. They are both from his marriage to BM but I guess he wasn't wearing one and gave her the excuse that it was hurting his hand so she went out and bought him a new one so he would be more comfortable. This is completely ridiculous, he was making excuses because he didn't want to wear his band that represented his commitment to her. He had already fallen out of love with her at that point and was only there because of his daughters. The worst part is she KNEW this is how it was but was trying to force him to wear his ring...that's pretty damn desparate if you ask me. I don't like that he has them and I think at this point he's just not sure what to do with them, he probably doesn't want to throw them away but doesn't need them around. Honestly...I don't think he really thinks about it. However, the next time I "happen" upon them, there will be a conversation of what we can do with these rings and there will be no option of putting them in any kind of keepsake box. If he wants to give them to his kids that's fine but I really don't want them in my house. New wife, new ring, get rid of the old you don't love her anymore and they no longer have significance that's what I would say.

iloveit's picture

Crazy this is an EXCELLENT idea. I had not thought of that! I'm going to suggest this! Love it.

alwaysanxious's picture

No, he shouldn't have it out in front of you. I would agree with that. In fact, he could have just squashed this whole thing by not having it out where his new partner could see it anyways.

12yrstepmonster's picture

This is just my opinion:

The minute I divorced, keep sakes from my marriage were no longer mine- they became my child's. Both ex and I kept our wedding bands for her. She needed to know that yes we did love each other and those were symbols of our marriage that created her. I have my mother's engagement ring, all of the jewelry that my father bought her and his wedding band (they divorced when I was young). I also kept the wedding album and it remains in her room, our marriage certificate and newspaper announcements. All those things are part of her. Like wise I encouraged my DH to keep his ring- his son may want it, he has a few of the wedding photo's, some of the baby album pictures. We put them up in the safe until the time is right.

Everyone has a past.....and it can not be wiped clean. If you fight the past, his or yours instead of finding a way to accept it and make peace with it you will always be fighting it. His children will want those mementos some day, and his ring should come from him to them.

aggravated1's picture

When gold prices went up, we sold his to help fund our trip to Disney World. Mickey Mouse won out over cherished marital memories lol

simifan's picture

I have to say it would bother me. No matter what he says fact it is represents the marriage. I don't know that he would diswade me otherwise. Given his reasoning - he's holding on to the past & until it he let go - I would not go forward with a marriage or set a date. Best of Luck.

iloveit's picture

I agree with this. (I didn't recognize you maux!) That's right...the old marriage is done and over with, let's not stare at the wedding bands and reminisce of old times it's not healthy to have these as keepsakes.

A couple of weeks ago I found an old picture of BM in a frame in some random box with a bunch of old photos of his kids. It was completely an accident finding this picture but the fact that it was framed and that he had it really upset me. I kept asking myself..why would he keep THIS pitcure of her in a frame? When I approached him about it he honestly had no idea it was in there. So to prove to me that he had no attachment to her or that part of his past he threw it out and went through the rest of the pitcures and literally got rid of all the BM only pics. The best part is...he just did it and I never asked him to! I told him he didn't need to do that if he wasn't comfortable but he said no...I have moved on, you are my life now and I need you to understand that and this is my choice to do this. He said the pics meant absoltely nothing to him and he was happy to be rid of them. I was shocked but grateful.

jjj111's picture

Lol, that is another story altogether. His family keeps inviting her and he doesn't fight them. I have another blog about this because i was having such a hard time with this. You should check it out, very interesting. Just puts the icing on the baggage cake.

jjj111's picture

Thanks. Yes i did try and have that "calm" talk to have him understand. I even finally came to terms with it and told him last night that if it means that much to him then i can't ask him to get rid of it. His response was "You were overstepping your bounds and out of line." He told me that it was none of my business. The way he handles this with such words of passion about it makes me feel like he is protecting this article with his life though. It would not sting so much if he wasn't so hardcore. I may be reading in to it but the way he said it almost made me feel like "she and I are a closed club and you have no right to go into that realm". I may be overreacting but no one in this blog was there to see it.

jjj111's picture

Problem is I can't tell him that, he won't see it. He never sees how hard it is to just accept all of this unnatural stuff. He doesn't have to go through it, he doesn't understand and he doesn't try very hard to. When we try and get past it, he'd rather just forget what i said and move on then try to understand it.

alwaysanxious's picture

"You were overstepping your bounds and out of line." He told me that it was none of my business.

Weird. He didn't have to be so hardcore. I think most men or women would have just used common sense and said ok honey and just put it somewhere that you'd never see it again.

susanm's picture

Agreed.  This reeks of control issues.  I would be extremely uncomfortable if my future DH was willing to make this statement to me.  Men are famous for being able to compartmentalize their lives and do as they please but only those who don't know or care about how that affects others will rub their faces in it like that.  I highly doubt he would be willing to "allow" you such privacy!

sasha101's picture

I must admit that this would bother me too. I would be worried that he's holding onto the past and still had feelings for the ex. My dh was unhappy with bm so threw his ring away while still married to her, and when she asked where it was he told her he'd lost it. But he has other mementoes from their marriage which I do not want displayed around my house. I asked that he put them away in a box somewhere to give to his sons whey they're older and he has done that. I did the same with my ex's wedding ring to give to my daughter, but she's adamant she doesn't want it as she didn't have a good relationship with her dad. After leaving it a while for her to change her mind, I think it's time to throw it away.
I feel that second spouses/stepparents have enough reminders of their partner's past with skids and the presence of bms/bds without hanging onto keepsakes as well.
Just my opinion.

jjj111's picture

Thanks for your kind words. Most people are telling me that I cannot feel the way I do and to let it go. I guess that is what i will have to do. It is so hard to be accepting of everything and rise above all the baggage and deny your natural feelings...try to always be strong. I have no baggage so he doesn't have to do any of this.

jjj111's picture

Oh thank you so much HS. I thought i was going crazy when i felt so horrible after he said that. Sometimes his reponses to my feelings are so non-empathetic I feel so alone at times. I am supposed to be sharing a life with my best friend but these reactions really give me a reality check on the definition of a best friend. I am only his best friend when i am quiet.

jjj111's picture

Wow, wow, wow you hit it the mark EXACTLY. I love that you can see that, it is such a relief. I will be sure that in my next life i choose wisely and early on. Then do my best to be a great wife and mother and stick with the same man until the end or for as long as it will carry us. I hope one day I can have something like this. I don't expect my life to be perfect but blended families are so unnaturally challenging that it really does wear you down at times.

iloveit's picture

"I can't stand it so much I want to get away for a bit, but I love him so much I can't go anywhere without him. Exhausting.."

^ YES. I feel this way often. I sometimes wish I could erase it even if it's for like an hour so I can just trouble free like I was before. No responsibilities, no having to "just be understanding" every minute of the day. The truth is that sometimes I resent his past life so much that I find I am angry at him inadvertently and I know it's not fair. He is a wonderful person, very genuine and kind. He loves me and I see that in him, it's very real and I am constantly aware of that also but some days...yes, it's harder than I ever thought it could be and I wonder if I can handle it forever. At the end of the day though, I lay next to him in bed and there is no place I would rather be. I need him and he needs me...I don't know how that happened it just is.

"Women are hurt first, and unsettled until a talk resolves the issue" I have tried to explain this to my SO and for the most part he gets it but like you said HS there are some things that when left unsaid just eat at you. I will dwell on something all day long and it completely ruins my day if I don't get to have a conversation about it. I can't just sit in it and let it fester, I just can't let it go until we talk.

iloveit's picture

I'm enjoying this article it is helpful thank you HS...still reading through it.

"Do I ALWAYS have to be the calm, forgiving, understanding one?"

I can't tell you how sick I am of hearing that I am either not "understanding enough" or could I be a little MORE "understanding." I eventually blew up at him and said, "What is it that I am missing and why do you think I don't understand?" Last I checked I fully comprehended the issue at hand and my understanding of it does not appear to be the problem it's how YOU are addressing the problem. Ok so we understand what the problem is now let's get to the core of it and resolve it. It's like I have to keep gently pushing so we can get to the other side. I would prefer to say, "Here's the issue now let's talk it out so we can both be happy with it." It solves nothing to stay focused on what the actual problem is and dwell on what has happened instead of pressing forward.

iloveit's picture

It's alright HS, I was in a bitch of a mood yesterday also! It doesn't help that SO is in another country on business and I've spoken to him for a grand total of 6 minutes this whole week. It's certainly easy to disconnect and we have a hell of a time getting back on the same page afterwards so this outta be fun!

It's not just you!! It is all in the delivery of the message I completely agree. Why not approach it like this, "Hey great job with that salami, can I just show you how I do this and then you can decide which way you prefer?" I get REALLY defensive if someone makes it look like I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I am not incompetent and I get so angry if someone makes me feel this way. In my mind I'm capable of all these things but when someone questions me about it...watch out!

It's hard because men and women are SO different. Instead of trying to change each other we do have to accept that these differences will inevitably cause some discomfort and misunderstanding every once in awhile but that's why we do need to talk these things out. When you put two people in a room with totally different opinions, there's gonna be some heat but it doesn't always have to end up a debate. I told you once before that SO and I could never discuss his kids because the second he would say something I would give my opinion and he would get defensive and say I didn't get it. So after awhile I was like look...we can talk about them ONLY if you open your mind and listen to me as if I were a stranger observing the behavior. Not as your girlfriend as a stranger. So he listened and now he values those opinions. He might not always agree with them but it took me a long time to make it clear to him that I'm entitled to my opinion and he could take it or leave it but that's the end of it. No beating on the other person, no playing the victim. No one is attacking anyone here it's just tow different perspectives, two different people.

iloveit's picture

Oh I know, I've heard the book is awesome too! I've been meaning to watch/read that for a long time also. I think that's absolutely correct. I have a side business and even though right now I'm not investing a ton of time into it when I did I made a decision. I thought of these things that I wanted and in my mind I "owned" them. If I can will it into being then maybe it actually is! It's such an uplifting and positive way of thinking isn't it? Now the reall "secret" keep that mindset all the time and you will allure these wonderful things to you all the time! I think that's harder than it sounds! I have a friend, we'll call her Sally...anyway, she's kind of a mess of a person. She's had a tough life, mother died she was into drugs, no friends on and on. Well anyway, I reached out to try to help her in a time of need and found that I opened a huge can of worms. She dumped all of her life's problems onto me which I thought I was prepared for. After awhile I found myself depressed and discouraged OFTEN. This is not like me. I get down for brief periods but then I get sick of it and move on. Well anyway I thought to myself...what's wrong with me? I examined everything in my life but couldn't figure it out. Then one day while logging onto facebook I see an email from Sally and I find myself taking a deep breath..."Here we go" is all I thought. That was just it, I discovered that her terrible attitude was dragging me down! While she was unloading she put it all on my shoulders and it was so depressing. I finally decided to set some boundaries with her. I stopped being available 24/7 in hopes that she would become a little more independent. One step at a time she relied on me less and less and while she does still check in with me often it was no longer negative ALL the time. She's the kind of person who has bad news but whenever you try to give advice and be positive she'll be like nah that will never work or oh I can't do that. I got so annoyed with this. I finally said, I can't help you because you don't LET me. That was the end of it...she let the walls down and then I could help her.

You can relate A LOT of things to this secret I believe. Everything comes together in one way or another. Isn't the power of thinking/believing amazing???

DaizyDuke's picture

This would bother me and I don't see why your DH thinks you are "out of line" for asking why this momento of a broken relationship is so important to him? My DH was never married before so I don't have any experience with that, but I was previously married and still had my engagement and wedding band, but certainly not because I "cherished" them.

I had friends telling me to have the diamond taken out of my ring and put into another piece of jewelry and I was like what? I don't want the stupid thing period, it is a symbol of a failed marriage, a constant reminder of somebody that I now despise and I felt that it would be a slap in the face to my now DH to wear around my old engagement diamond from my exH every day. I certainly wouldn't want him hanging on to some item from BM !

We ended up taking the diamond out of the ring, selling the band with my wedding band for cash and then we sold the diamond to a friend of DH's who was looking for an engagment diamond. Good ridance and cash in my pocket!

Willow2010's picture

His response was "You were overstepping your bounds and out of line." He told me that it was none of my business.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
First off...what a jerk off, for saying this to you!!
Second, I would feel the same way as you. I would not like it at all. Thankfully, DH lost his wedding ring WAAAY before I came into the picture, but if he still had it, I am sure he would get rif of it in a heartbeat if it made me feel like this. He just loves me like that!! lol

Good luck, I think you will need it with this man.

Siferra's picture

I have some things to share about wedding bands as well.

My DH's ex insisted on a ring that was WAY too expensive, so he purchased himself a nice band as well. She put up a huge fuss about how he shouldn't spend so much (less than a quarter of what he spent on hers). It was a huge fight even before their marriage. Now, he can't bear to part with it just because it was such a struggle to get the thing in the first place. It sits in a drawer and I never see it unless I'm cleaning. More than signifying their love it signifies what a mistake the whole marriage was.

The funny thing is, my DH doesn't even like jewelry. We purchased him a wedding band for about $50 and I told him if he didn't want to wear it he didn't have to. Now he wears it for special occasions but not much otherwise.

When discussing that my husband would not regularly wear a ring, a rather nasty lady said to me "My husband could never not wear a ring; girls would be hitting on him all day long" I replied "There is more than a band of metal keeping my husband faithful to me"

Some people, I swear!

jjj111's picture

Thank you so much for this all of you. I found an interesting article that i think makes a pretty good statement, here it is:

With This Ring...

Two simple gold bands. Out of all the lace and pearls, ribbons and bows, bells and hearts and winged cupids, the most potent and most fundamental symbol of marriage remains a simple band of gold, worn without ornamentation on the third finger of the left hand.

A wedding band is a potent symbol of marriage. It sends an unmistakable message about our marital status, as anyone who has taken a discrete glance at the left hand of an attractive stranger will tell you. When worn as part of a pair, it symbolizes the bond two people share, the solid, enduring, endless bond that connects them even when they're apart.

Screenwriters and tv writers know the potentcy of wedding rings. Distraught couples who break up on tv invariably make a dramatic production out of removing their wedding rings. Widowed characters and the unhappily divorced are often seen clutching their partner's wedding ring as some sort of cherished talisman. Any time a writer wants to make a statement about a character's feelings for someone, be they married, divorced or widowed, the wedding ring is usually the symbol of choice. It taps into something fundamental we all recognize - a wedding ring means marriage, and marriage means the most profound love we're capable of.

The wedding ring has been around for centuries, and is unique in its universality. Practically every culture on earth seals marriage with an exchange of rings, and although the practices may vary somewhat, the sentiment and meaning is certainly there. Some European women wear a ring on their right hand, some Scandanavian women wear three rings, one each for engagement, marriage and motherhood. Jewish brides have the ring placed on their index finger, since that is the finger with which they point to the Torah as they read. Early Puritans refused to wear wedding rings because they considered jewelry frivolous, yet in Colonial times, couples exchanged "wedding thimbles" - a useful and practical gift, and therefore acceptable - but after the wedding often cut off the bottoms thereby creating rings. Whatever the culture, whatever the century, people have recognized the importance of sealing their unions with rings.

But why the third finger of the left hand? There are many theories as to why this particular finger came to symoblize marriage. Both the ancient Romans and Egyptians believed that a vein - called the vena amoris in Latin - ran directly from that finger to the heart. In medieval England, a bridegroom would slide the ring part way up his bride's thumb, index and middle finger, saying "In the name of the father, the son, and the holy ghost" as he passed each one. He then put the ring on the next available finger - the third finger of the left hand. This practice was finally formalized in the 1500's when Henry VIII's son authored The Book of Common Prayer, which gives us our modern Protestant wedding vows and decrees on which finger our wedding rings should go.

The practice of men wearing wedding rings is relatively new. Up until the middle of the twentieth century, it was mostly only women who wore wedding rings, perhaps a throwback to the days when women were regarded as property, or perhaps a harmless custom akin to women wearing engagement rings that their husbands do not. When World War Two broke out and many young men faced lengthy - often permanent - separations from their wives, men began wearing wedding bands as a symbol of their marriages and a reminder of their wives. It was pure romance, a gesture of love and affection that has happily survived into modern times. While some men still do not wear wedding rings, the vast majority of men do, voluntarily. Perhaps the men that gladly wear wedding rings today understand what a rare and precious thing it is to be married, and are more than happy to show the world they've found the woman of their dreams.

So what does all of this mean? Are wedding rings merely a hazy traditional custom that we've held on to out of deference to our ancestors? Many couples today choose to flount tradition in various ways. Some women wear their engagement and wedding rings on another finger, some couples choose silver or platinum rings, some women replace the traditional gold band with ornate, jewel-encrusted rings, worn several at a time. Some people don't wear rings at all but tattoo elaborate designs around their fingers, as Pamela Anderson Lee did.

While personal style will always be a factor and personal choice must always be respected, I maintain that some thought ought to be given to the fact that your wedding ring is a symbol of marriage. It is not jewelry, or rather, it shouldn't be. Wear whatever elaborate or expensive rings you wish on your other fingers, but consider that the ring you wear to symbolize your marriage shouldn't be garish or overworked, or a way in which to show off your husband's wealth. The desire for pretty diamonds and dazzling precious gems has overshadowed the simple beauty of a plain gold band, especially when that band represents so much more than any diamond ever could.

A wedding band is not something you should "trade up" for something better when your finances become more stable, either. Women who carefully fold away their wedding dresses with a tear in their eye have no problem tossing their rings aside when a shinier new diamond becomes available. "With this ring, I thee wed..." is the vow we make. We should honour that part of our vows as much as any other.

I maintain that your wedding band is far more precious than any photo album or fancy dress. Even if you can't wear the ring you were married with, for whatever reason, it ought to be kept as a special reminder of your marriage, for as long as you are married. It's up to you whether you hold onto rings from other marriages but be warned if you do: a wedding ring is a very potent symbol. You risk detracting from the meaning of the band you wear now if you still have the band you wore then. That ring will be a constant reminder of the other person you called husband or wife, and can do nothing but hurt the man or woman who currently holds that place in your life.

If you could keep only one thing from your wedding day to symbolize your love for your husband or wife, only one item to represent your commitment to each other, your ability to weather life's storms together, your trust and faith in each other, your mutual admiration and delight in each other...what would it be? Would it really be the photo album, the dress, or even the shiny engagement ring?

Or would it be a simple, beautiful, elegant band of gold?

somerg's picture

at least just let him put it away, i used to have both my wedding bands from my marriage with my x (dd's bd) and refused to get rid of them because my INTENTIONS were to give them to dd when she marries....but an x idiot bf pawned off his ring and gave mine to his "next battered woman" in line.

Sad really hope karma gets him one day

jjj111's picture

Found this article, I think it helps...

With This Ring...

Two simple gold bands. Out of all the lace and pearls, ribbons and bows, bells and hearts and winged cupids, the most potent and most fundamental symbol of marriage remains a simple band of gold, worn without ornamentation on the third finger of the left hand.

A wedding band is a potent symbol of marriage. It sends an unmistakable message about our marital status, as anyone who has taken a discrete glance at the left hand of an attractive stranger will tell you. When worn as part of a pair, it symbolizes the bond two people share, the solid, enduring, endless bond that connects them even when they're apart.

Screenwriters and tv writers know the potentcy of wedding rings. Distraught couples who break up on tv invariably make a dramatic production out of removing their wedding rings. Widowed characters and the unhappily divorced are often seen clutching their partner's wedding ring as some sort of cherished talisman. Any time a writer wants to make a statement about a character's feelings for someone, be they married, divorced or widowed, the wedding ring is usually the symbol of choice. It taps into something fundamental we all recognize - a wedding ring means marriage, and marriage means the most profound love we're capable of.

The wedding ring has been around for centuries, and is unique in its universality. Practically every culture on earth seals marriage with an exchange of rings, and although the practices may vary somewhat, the sentiment and meaning is certainly there. Some European women wear a ring on their right hand, some Scandanavian women wear three rings, one each for engagement, marriage and motherhood. Jewish brides have the ring placed on their index finger, since that is the finger with which they point to the Torah as they read. Early Puritans refused to wear wedding rings because they considered jewelry frivolous, yet in Colonial times, couples exchanged "wedding thimbles" - a useful and practical gift, and therefore acceptable - but after the wedding often cut off the bottoms thereby creating rings. Whatever the culture, whatever the century, people have recognized the importance of sealing their unions with rings.

But why the third finger of the left hand? There are many theories as to why this particular finger came to symoblize marriage. Both the ancient Romans and Egyptians believed that a vein - called the vena amoris in Latin - ran directly from that finger to the heart. In medieval England, a bridegroom would slide the ring part way up his bride's thumb, index and middle finger, saying "In the name of the father, the son, and the holy ghost" as he passed each one. He then put the ring on the next available finger - the third finger of the left hand. This practice was finally formalized in the 1500's when Henry VIII's son authored The Book of Common Prayer, which gives us our modern Protestant wedding vows and decrees on which finger our wedding rings should go.

The practice of men wearing wedding rings is relatively new. Up until the middle of the twentieth century, it was mostly only women who wore wedding rings, perhaps a throwback to the days when women were regarded as property, or perhaps a harmless custom akin to women wearing engagement rings that their husbands do not. When World War Two broke out and many young men faced lengthy - often permanent - separations from their wives, men began wearing wedding bands as a symbol of their marriages and a reminder of their wives. It was pure romance, a gesture of love and affection that has happily survived into modern times. While some men still do not wear wedding rings, the vast majority of men do, voluntarily. Perhaps the men that gladly wear wedding rings today understand what a rare and precious thing it is to be married, and are more than happy to show the world they've found the woman of their dreams.

So what does all of this mean? Are wedding rings merely a hazy traditional custom that we've held on to out of deference to our ancestors? Many couples today choose to flount tradition in various ways. Some women wear their engagement and wedding rings on another finger, some couples choose silver or platinum rings, some women replace the traditional gold band with ornate, jewel-encrusted rings, worn several at a time. Some people don't wear rings at all but tattoo elaborate designs around their fingers, as Pamela Anderson Lee did.

While personal style will always be a factor and personal choice must always be respected, I maintain that some thought ought to be given to the fact that your wedding ring is a symbol of marriage. It is not jewelry, or rather, it shouldn't be. Wear whatever elaborate or expensive rings you wish on your other fingers, but consider that the ring you wear to symbolize your marriage shouldn't be garish or overworked, or a way in which to show off your husband's wealth. The desire for pretty diamonds and dazzling precious gems has overshadowed the simple beauty of a plain gold band, especially when that band represents so much more than any diamond ever could.

A wedding band is not something you should "trade up" for something better when your finances become more stable, either. Women who carefully fold away their wedding dresses with a tear in their eye have no problem tossing their rings aside when a shinier new diamond becomes available. "With this ring, I thee wed..." is the vow we make. We should honour that part of our vows as much as any other.

I maintain that your wedding band is far more precious than any photo album or fancy dress. Even if you can't wear the ring you were married with, for whatever reason, it ought to be kept as a special reminder of your marriage, for as long as you are married. It's up to you whether you hold onto rings from other marriages but be warned if you do: a wedding ring is a very potent symbol. You risk detracting from the meaning of the band you wear now if you still have the band you wore then. That ring will be a constant reminder of the other person you called husband or wife, and can do nothing but hurt the man or woman who currently holds that place in your life.

If you could keep only one thing from your wedding day to symbolize your love for your husband or wife, only one item to represent your commitment to each other, your ability to weather life's storms together, your trust and faith in each other, your mutual admiration and delight in each other...what would it be? Would it really be the photo album, the dress, or even the shiny engagement ring?

Or would it be a simple, beautiful, elegant band of gold?

stormabruin's picture

HD & I both have things...momentos...from our first marriages. We both have our pictures. DH still has his ring. I would have kept mine had I not needed money to pay my electric bill. However, I don't have children to keep things for. I keep things because they are part of my past. My first marriage wasn't great...obviously. My ex husband was a selfish prick, but that marriage & the growth I experienced through it were landmarks in making me who I am. I don't look through my pictures. I don't put on my wedding dress & hold my bouquet. I don't read over our wedding announcement or the cards we received at the bridal shower & wedding, but I have it all. Our pictures are put away behind closed doors. The rest of it is in boxes up in the attic.

Having those things doesn't make me wish to have my past back. It doesn't make me pine for what I've grown beyond.

The ring needs to be put away. His daughters can have it one day. If his reason for keeping it is for them, he could have it melted down to make a couple of necklace pendants so that each of them can have a piece of it.

I know it's easier to say than do, but please don't feel threatened by it. If my DH were to hound me about about getting rid of things that are mine...any of it...there's no way I could do it & not feel resentful about it.

*Edited to add, steplife is difficult even for those who's marriages are strong. I'm not saying that you don't have a strong relationship. Only you know. I'm saying if you are insecure or uncertain of your boyfriend's love & commitment to you & your relationship, don't carry those feelings into a marriage. Those things need to be resolved beforehand. If there are doubts in your marriage, they will only hinder your success in steplife.

stepmom31's picture

My DH has his ring from prior marriage. He paid for it himself, chose it himself, and when I met him, it was in a hideous condition from being banged and pounded in frustration and anger.

He bought me a very nice ring, but I could not afford to buy him a nice ring at the time, so he kept his ring and I had it restored and polished, looking like new.

Then, we bought cheap, matching, stainless steel rings and wear these as our everyday wedding rings. We save the nice rings for special occassions only.

I'd buy him a new ring when I can afford it, but then I'd probably insist he get rid of the old one by selling it. Maybe the proceeds can go to our vacation fund! Even if he took the $$ and split it between the kids from prior mariage, I guess that would be ok too.

Thing is that I'm sure he'll willingly part with it, if I'm getting him one. That's where the reassurance is. I wish your SO could be a little more understanding.