Had my first counselling session yesterday

Try breaking down the last 20 years of your life in an hour and a half - I don't think I've talked so much or so fast in my entire life....
I connected with a great therapist in our local Mental Health Clinic to help me with the SD issues and working on my marriage. Nice lady, very smart and understanding. She totally agrees with my decision to back off, and that I am right in assessing that I have been trying too hard all these years, which has simply empowered my SD to hurt me in ways I never imagined.
I told her that DH is going to visit the SD on his own - she said it sounds like he is trying to finally stand up to her - but simply a case of being too late - he should have done it years ago. Like she said, you can talk and/or write intelligent, thoughtful messages to her, and because of her attitude of not accepting you, she is only going to rebel against you even more, with more dislike and ambivalence. Until she wants to have a respectful relationship, there is nothing I can do about it. And that will include never visiting unless I have a clear welcoming invitation from her and her husband.

I said to the therapist, I sometimes think DH is simply now giving her exactly what she wants - alone time with Daddy without Stepmom - which to me is rewarding bad behaviour. She said not to think like that - your husband is simply going to visit his daughter and grandchildren. It has nothing to do with rewarding her. I said - yes, but separate vacations for the rest of my life is NOT what I had planned when I married DH. She said it is not forever, but just for now. DH will likely get the picture on his own.

My husband's family tells me that he has said he is going to visit because he wants to talk to SD and her husband about how badly they have been treating me, and that it's got to stop. Sure wish I could be a fly on the wall for THAT conversation (if indeed it happens....)

In any event, while he is away, I am off to New Orleans for three days to party with eight girlfriends. I am being good to MYSELF. My therapist said that is key to survival and self-esteem and stress relief.

My life is going to change, and it's for the better.

By the way, I'm just finishing up reading "Stepmonster" ...... what an awesome book. Everthing I've been through is in there. Now if I can just get DH to read it.....

SammyJo58's blog
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SammyJo.....you and I are in

SammyJo.....you and I are in the very exact situation, I have been with my husband for 21 years, SSs were 5 & 7 when we met, husband had custody and BM was a consistant part of the boys' lives. Husband was gone alot with career so basically I ended up being the main parent to my SSs.

I am glad you went to a counselor and got the affirmation as to what you have been thru, it really does help espcially when there people in this world who are trying to tell you to be more understanding and more patient.

This isn't soley a step family issue. I have 3 bios and one of my bios did much like my steps being hateful and telling me to stay out of their lives, etc. The difference is that as the bio mom my daughter didn't feel she could fully cut me out of her life and start calling me by my first name where as my stepsons did.

I do hope you get the support from your husband that you deserve as this is very important. I didn't always have husband at my back as he was not the hammer in the family, he really wasn't parenting at all. But what happened in our situation is the boys started saying things to their dad that I had supposedly said and supposed done to them that never happened and this was when my husband finally opened his eyes. he could see he was being played and that they felt they had the right to be disrespectful towards me and he has set them staright and continues to support me.

We recently had a situation this past month (boys are 26 & 28 now) that I finally drew a line and said I had enough and will not go there so I too am in the process of letting go. I told my husband that I will not hear anything short of an apology from the boys. Like your counselor told you, I realize that as long as they want to see me as the "bad guy" and want to blame me for everything like they are doing now we can't have a relationship and to put myself thru what I ahve for the past 21 years for the sake of peace, family, or my husband is costing me my own health and sanity.

I think you can identify with the following. This is something I got from another SM on this site (I hope if that person reads her words here she will realize how much it meant to me). If you can see yourself from a distance in this situation you realize how twisted it gets and how much you've tried to no avail and maybe that will make it easier to let go:

"When I want visitation away from SKs, I am dividing our family and isolating DH and his kids. When DH or SKs want visitation by themselves, they just want one on one time together and I am being selfish not to gladly give up my husband for that.

When DH makes decisions about SKs without considering or consulting me, he is just being a good dad who misses his kids. When I make decisions without considering SKs, it is proof I don't care about them.

When I emotionally reach out to SKs, I am being pushy. When I keep my emotional guard up against them, I am uncaring and don't want them around.

When I am hurt by their rejection of me and my BKs, I am being unrealistic and childish. When I am indifferent to how they act or treat us, I am accused of not liking them.

When I tell DH how difficult I find this situation with SKs and BM, I am accused of wanting him to never see his children again. When I keep it all to myself, I am accused of not being honest with him.

When I question or express unhappiness with DH's way of dealing with SKs and BM, I am "attacking" him. If I don't express unhappiness, then I am deemed to have accepted everything and have no right to complain afterwards as I "didn't say anything" when he told me about it.

If I question DH about what is happening with SKs, BM or his feelings, I am being nosy and pressuring him. If I don't, he doesn't tell me anything and I have no right to be upset when things are sprung on me at the last minute because I "didn't ask".

When I treat them like my own BKs, I am overstepping. When I treat them like someone else's kids, I am not trying hard enough to blend our family.

When I focus on my BKs, I am favoring my children/our child over SKs. When he favors SKs, it is justified because he sees them less and I am just being unreasonable and jealous.

When I have expectations for SKs behaviour in our home, I am being mean and picky. When I leave this to DH, I am not helping or supporting him enough.

When I try to help DH in standing up to BM, I am being pushy and stressing him out. When I leave him to get trampled on, I have "no right" to complain or second guess all her decisions that affect our home.

So...as long as I am completely passive and allow everyone else to dictate the terms of this family--SKs, BM, DH--and manage to just love it all no matter how I or my kids get treated in return, as long as I just give and give with no expectations, as long as I honour everyone else's feelings and decisions but make and have none of my own...then it should all work out just fine."