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When You're Begining To Enjoy It When DH Is Gone

CrystalRE's picture

Submitted by CrystalRE on Fri, 07/09/2010 - 11:00am

DH and and I have had a lot of problems since he and I got married. In the beginning most of them were cause by BM and her jealousy. He made a lot of mistakes in the way he dealt with her which cause a great deal of mistrust and hurt feelings. I blame most of our issues on BM because our life was so good until she decided to turn into a nut case.

The issues with BM have gotten better but we still have one minor issue a week and at least on MAJOR issue a month (compaired to major issues daily in the past). The problem is that I hate her so much for all she has done that even the minor issues make me crazy. I so much as hear her name and I go ballistic!

My hatred for her has caused issues between the kids and I because I cant put anything behind me. In the past when she would tell the kids nasty things about me or when the kids would defend her I was able to look past it and still function as a suppportive mother figure to them. Anymore I cant do that...I hate it when they are home, DH and I fight constantly about BM, the kids, anything related to parenting. He has now drug my daughter into the problems and everything.

I have gotten to the point where I really enjoy it when he isnt around and when the kids are with BM. My daughter and I have such a good time together...I can parent her with worrying about him being mad at me, etc. I almost miss being a single mother. My question for you guys is...Is there a way to stay married but totally seperate our lives? I love him, he is good to me and we get along so well aside from the issues with BM and the kids. There are money issues also because he has become pissed off that I spend money on my daughter. Any advice is appreciated.

Comments

stepkate's picture

Submitted by stepkate on Fri, 07/09/2010 - 11:03am

'Is there a way to stay married but totally seperate our lives?'

I don't know, as I've never been married, but...it sounds like that defeats the purpose of getting married in the first place.

SusiQ's picture

Submitted by SusiQ on Fri, 07/09/2010 - 11:10am

I've often wondered the same thing - it's kind of like roommates with benefits. I don't think it's really possible once you've moved past that to marriage.

But I'm interested to see what others have to say

sadstep's picture

Submitted by sadstep on Fri, 07/09/2010 - 11:14am

Well, I am in somwhat the same situation. Life is so much easier when they are gone. Me and my son get along just fine, I am not worked to death cooking and cleaning up after EVERYONE. I think that eventually you work things out with the skids when they do a little growing up, but ifyour SO is like mine, he is oblivious to the work they cause and the stress it puts on me and on our relationship. Denial and guilt parenting abound.
I've heard of some people who do not work it out until the kids get older. Just hope you can hold together the relationship in the meantime. I'm just frustrated and wish I had better answers for you. (and me!)

CrystalRE's picture

Submitted by CrystalRE on Fri, 07/09/2010 - 11:18am

HE gave BM all the control in the beginning and there are so many hard feelings because of that that I cant let go of the hatred. We have tried counseling but he refuses to take any responsibility when it comes to what he has done with BM and his kids.

I hear a lot of people talk about disengaging from the kids. I guess thats what I mean...is it possible that neither of us be involved with each others kids or exes and dont share finances because he gets so pissed off about spending money on my daughter even though we spend it on his and get no support from BM?

sadstep's picture

Submitted by sadstep on Fri, 07/09/2010 - 11:22am

I have disengaged to try to gain some perspective. Disengaging only lasts so long. Eventually, with them in the house you have to engage. Then it just makes you mad that you've been forced when you're trying to go in the other direction.

It did help for a while, to give my mind some peace and so I could think clearly.
Get rid of those old feelings, use your broom (as we are all witches of some sort being strong confident women) Picture your broom sweeping all those feelings and old hurts out. They are holding you down. Let them go and be free! Each day is a new opportunity, as I am reminded constantly, we may not be allowed to see the tomorrow. (hug)

Jsmom's picture

Submitted by Jsmom on Fri, 07/09/2010 - 12:33pm

I have disengaged about 6 months ago and am in a better place. We have separate finances and each have our own kids. None together, so that makes it easier to have separate lives in the same house. We don't punish each others kids, we just tell the other person when the kid is a problem and let them deal with it. When SS is disrespectful I call him on it, no more do I let it happen. When DH hears it he does address it now. He didn't in the begininng and that was where all the frustration was.

If he is frustrated with my son, he tells me and I address it. His daughter has left and that has helped tremendously since she was the cause of all of the turmoil. I do things with my son and he does things with his. We also do stuff together. I do believe it can work, if both spouses are on the same page.

It took a lot of yelling for me to get to this place. But, I had to for my sanity. He was never going to parent as I thought he should. My son is a good kid and so is his son. My SD challenged everything and that caused most of our arguments. As for BM, I hate her and he knows it, but I do stay out of the meetings with the lawyer and anything else. I don't answer the door or the phone if it is her. He deals with all of it. That also helps. I do have opinions on the situation with SD and BM, I won't shut up since it affects my household and my kid.

Give it a try what do you have to lose, you can always divorce him later.