Is it all worth it??
Reading blogs over the weekend, and my own feeling of frustration and being boxed in have had my mind whirling around for a few days now.
I love DH. I'm not going to mince words when it comes to my feeling for him. I know he loves me too. He loves his kid.
I don't love or like his child. Without going into the long, long story - she did some horrible things to me, DH, my pets and our home. She had the complete encouragement and support of Uberskank to do what she did. To me she is turning into a manipulative little s**t and it seems that she is turning out to be just like her mother. Or at least she is at this point in time. Any personality traits similar to her father's seem to have disappeared over the last few years.
Will I ever give her another chance? I did, I thought her change of tune last fall was her turning over a new leaf and starting again. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and found out within a short period of time it was all an act. I will not make that mistake again.
So why do I stay in this? Is loving DH enough to endure four more years of Uberskank and the person that seems to becoming an Uberskank mini-me? Is the constant frustration worth the knowing DH and I will be free in four years to follow our dreams? Or will his kid side-track him again?
There are so many what if's out there for me that I'm not sure which way is up right now. I find myself fantasizing about a life on my own more and more. The quiet life I used to have, the life where I felt more in control of my future.
And maybe that's the key for me. My life has been out of control ever since DH and I moved in together. I feel as though I have no choices any longer and just hang on for the horrible ride that makes me feel sick at the end of the day. And what's ever worse, I have started to not care about being organized and methodical with my own things any more. I have stacks and stacks of paperwork that needs to be file or shredded. Medical records I need to go through for benefit reasons. I started a book and I have no motivation to get back into it. I'm letting things that matter to me slid to the wayside every day.
Re-reading my post makes me think that I need to reconsider if being married and being a step-mother is the true life for me.
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Comments
Crayon, thank you so much.
Crayon, thank you so much. As I often do, I completely agree with what you wrote: "Having no control in these situations is what leads to depression often exhibited by an "I don't care" attitude, procrastination, not getting enthused about anything anymore."
I just replied to Shaman29's post (see below) that it is truly scary how I can relate with her to having those EXACT same feelings. It is very likely that this feeling of total "lack of control" is manifesting itself by causing us to become disorganized in other, everyday, areas of our lives.
Crayon, you were spot on.
I keep telling myself to tackle the mountains of paperwork (clutter) sitting in my home office, but I just get overwhelmed with how much time it's going to take to figure it all out - and to follow-up on what needs to get done with those papers (why I leave them out to begin with).
To make it worse, my BF constantly rides me about it - "Hon, you said you were going to organize that office...I'd like to use it, too - do you think you can get it done?" AAHHHHH!!!!
Thank you Crayon! Sometimes I
Thank you Crayon! Sometimes I think we're the East Coast/West Coast versions of each other!
You hit the nail on the head with "Having no control in these situations is what leads to depression often exhibited by an "I don't care" attitude, procrastination, not getting enthused about anything anymore."
I've been treated for depression in the past, brought on by my thyroid disease, but your words have made me re-examine my feelings and you're right. I'm going through the depression gig once again. Can't blame my thyroid this time!
I appreciate your post and it's nice to know I'm not alone in this! Thank you again.
Shaman29, wow I could have
Shaman29, wow I could have written most of your post. Here's the part that REALLY hit home to me:
"And maybe that's the key for me. My life has been out of control ever since DH and I moved in together. I feel as though I have no choices any longer and just hang on for the horrible ride that makes me feel sick at the end of the day. And what's ever worse, I have started to not care about being organized and methodical with my own things any more. I have stacks and stacks of paperwork that needs to be file or shredded. Medical records I need to go through for benefit reasons. I started a book and I have no motivation to get back into it. I'm letting things that matter to me slid to the wayside every day."
I may not have any constructive advice for you at this very moment, since I'm "in the same boat" as you - but I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. I feel the EXACT.SAME.WAY!!
Your words conveyed and expressed EXACTLY the very same feelings that I have right now - I also have gone from meticulously organized to a "clutter queen" and it feels overwhelming, therefore making me procrastinate making it all right. I also have stacks and stacks of paperwork in my home office that need to be filed or thrown away. I seem to have lost most, if not all, of my organizational skills ever since I've been involved with my BF (and especially since I moved in with him). It's a strange feeling - and it really, really scares me. I've been feeling that I've "lost" myself and who I once was - and I can't find my old self.
Sometimes I just feel "buried" by all that this step-life involves. It truly makes me wonder if this is where I'm supposed to be, or if I'm just "fooling myself".
Wow, just wow....
Thank you Shaman29, for letting me know that I'm not crazy (or maybe we both are) - lol.
Milomom....thank you. Just
Milomom....thank you. Just knowing I'm not alone on this particular road gives me some hope.
Ditto for me. You ladies are
Ditto for me. You ladies are definitely not alone.
You, Crayon and Milomom have
You, Crayon and Milomom have given me the best advice today. Thank you!
Shaman (Milomom) I, too,
Shaman (Milomom)
I, too, went thorugh these same feelings. Even being a single mom to two young boys for a long time (and one with special needs), I felt I always had my life "together."
So nothing could have prepared me for the havoc and choas I would encounter when I met DH, his drama-filled daughters and finally, his awful, hate-filled, mentally unstable ex wife!
At first, I tried to keep my head above water because I was so crazy in love with DH, but I knew I was slipping into patterns I did not like. Their chaos was slowly becoming MY chaos and manifesting itself in ways I knew I did not like. For instance, what you said about the clutter and the disorganization- that hit home for me, because I'm an extremely organized person by nature, and I was quickly becoming consumed by disorganization. And what scared me was I didn't have the energy to care. This was definitely a sign of mild depression.
So I got help. I sought out a professional. And I got better. I took control of MY LIFE and I fought back. I knew that this chaos, if I chose to stay with DH (which is what I plan to do forever, since he is a wonderful man) is always going to be in my life.
The key is how I decide to handle it. And now, I TRY to back off as much as possible and let DH take over when it comes to the girls and his off-kilter ex. I keep my distance as much as possible when it comes to the drama, and instead concentrate on the things I CAN control- like my relationship with DH and my boys, and even my relationship with OSD19 (who lives with us FT when she's not at college and is least affected by the nonsense and drama).
In the end (I'm pretty sure, if my "magic ball" is working correctly) that because of all the PA and Hostile Aggressive Parenting his ex has done with the younger two (SD18 and SD14) they are going to have little or no relationship with my DH as they grow older. Sad but true. So eventually, I know the drama and choas will wane, and DH and I will eventually get to happily live in peace.
And THAT'S why I stay in it right now! Because I know things won't be like this forever. So if you love your DH, keep the faith and work for YOUR marriage.