Torn on what I should do....
I have been disengaged from DH's kid (D 15) since the fall of 2008. I let her back into my life briefly a year later after her BM Uberskank became CP again. DH's kid ended up doing a rotten thing to both DH and I over the holidays of 2009. I fully disengaged at that point and haven't looked back. I don't like her, I don't love her, I don't give a crap one way or another.
Now DH's kid has an opportunity to be a foreign exchange student her junior year (freshman now). She's doing well in school and obviously this would be an excellent opportunity for any kid. There is a "family interview" with the Rotary at Uberskank's apartment. DH's kid asked me this last weekend to attend, she also told me Uberskank wants me there (because Uberskank's new BF would be there too).
Ironically, this last weekend was the first rough one for me a long time. DH's kid had a friend over and for some reason made a point of declaring at every opportunity that I was EVIL SM OVERLORD once again.
I'm having a difficult time coming up with reasons to attend this interview. Her behavior towards me over the long weekend certainly isn't helping. And to complicate things further, I have not spoken to Uberskank in 3 years. I have not seen her in 2 years. The last words DH said to Uberskank (over the phone in the fall of 2010) was to tell her she was a F'n Skanky C-word. They only communicate through email, text and their child.
Do I go and show support? Do I go and risk being blamed if she's not selected? Do I stay at home and risk getting blamed if she's not selected because I wasn't there in the first place? This has the potential of being a total "train wreck" scenario.
The biggest reason for me to attend is pure selfishness on my part. I'm down to just three more years of this s**t. I am looking at the possibility of having a year long break in the middle of these three years. To not have a kid around for the first time since DH and I have been married. A year long break from the utter hell I've been through these last 5 years.
They live over an hour away, so it's not possible to do the in home interview anywhere else. So should I suck it up, smile and say only positive things? I'd feel like a hypocrite but I keep thinking.....a year without complete and utter BS in my life.
HELP. What should I do??
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could you all do your part
could you all do your part over speaker phone or something? Skype? Technology is a wonderful thing-use it. If you and your dh's input is so important then why not have a separate interview at your home? If its not particulary important just let uber and her man do it.
I also would be disinclined to participate; however the prospect of no visits for a year is like a huge carrot dangling in front of you.
Wow- this is a tough one. I
Wow- this is a tough one. I am thinking that without a talk ahead of time, there is every chance that, no matter the outcome, there will be blame in it somewhere for you. It sounds like Uberskank (love that!) has gotten to SD and that they are possibly very alike? So what if you had the honest sit-down with SD beforehand and reviewed why your attitude toward her is the result of her behaviors/actions over the years (and you can use last weekend's nonsense because it will still be fresh in her mind). Tell her that you think her opportunity is a really wonderful one and you would be happy to see her selected....and that you'd like to put things behind you and "make a new start" so that you can speak truthful things in the interview should you attend it. And no being-nice-to-you-coming-up-to-the-interview to treat you like crap again afterwards- she is of the age where she should be able to see that treating important people kindly is better than vilifying them. What does DH say?????
My first instinct would be to
My first instinct would be to not go, simply because my own SD is sooo not worth my time. That being said, a chance to get rid of her for a year would probably make it worthwhile to sit there and pretend I give a care.
You said it SA. However, I
You said it SA. However, I don't believe I have to worry about Uberskank because we've never had a relationship in the first place. The longest conversation I've had with her was Hi! or Hello!
I do have to admit, I believe it would have a negative impact on my relationship with DH if I don't go. Which is another factor. He's been supportive of my disengaging but there are limits to his patience.
I wish I could do speaker
I wish I could do speaker phone or say I was out of town.
It's this Friday and it's a visitation weekend to boot. So they know I'm available.
Having a talk with DH's kid wouldn't accomplish much of anything. I appreciate the thought, but I've learned my lesson. Also, DH's kid not only burned her bridge with me but she blew it up and hired Godzilla to stomp it to dust. You know....just in case we tried to rebuild.
DH is fine whichever way I decide, but to be honest, he's still recovering from his time in the doghouse last weekend. A lot of the crap his kid pulled was in front of him, and he conveniently didn't see or hear anything. Honest! He didn't! :sick:
This is why I'm so torn. I disengaged for a reason. On one hand, the 500 foot golden carrot is being dangled before my eyes. On the other hand, I also know I will be blamed for any bad outcome (yes Uberskank got to DH's kid 4 years ago, I am the EVIL SM OVERLORD). I can almost but not quite justify playing nice, if only for my own selfish reasons. Having three years of visitation magically turned into two years.
I appreciate all of your responses. You're really helping me build the pros and cons and make a good decision for me. Not for DH and not for his kid, but for me.
Why go? If not going messes
Why go? If not going messes up her chances of not going abroad, then go. If you missing will have no effect on her chances then don't go. Remind her of the last weekend she was there and what she said about you. Then tell her she should've thought about how she treated you before she needed you to help her out. Sorry. I wouldn't go and don't see why you need to be there.
I wouldn't go for the SD, but
I wouldn't go for the SD, but i'd probably go for DH. You said he's been supportive in your disengaging, and also that you felt like it would cause upset between the two of you if you didn't. I'd talk to him and see if he felt that you really needed to be there. If it was a big deal to HIM that you go, then i'd say go.
SD and BM can do whatever they want, and if there is a reason for blame they can throw it on you no matter what you do. If you talk to DH, and tell him how you feel about going and supporting but that you will do it for HIM if he really wants you to, it would be a bit harder for HIM to blame you since you are essentially being the nice one and doing him a favor. And as long as he is supporting you it really doesn't matter what SD and BM say.
Maybe a year away from all the adults will be good for the SD? Kids can go through a lot of change when they have to be on their own. Even with constant communication, the distance and being in a foreign place might have a positive effect. (we can only hope!)
I wouldn't go. She is a nasty
I wouldn't go.
She is a nasty piece of work and she wants a year overseas?
I have a friend who has had 2 of her daughters spend a year in another country (they live in New Zealand). Her oldest daughter spent a year in Germany (where the drinking age is 16 for beer and wine in case you didn't know) and used the year to work on her German. She now has a degree in Liberal Arts majoring in German and will one day freelance as a translator. right now her post grad studies are in Swedish. Her home language is English.
Her youngest daughter spent a year in Japan and has only returned this last March.
It is not easy to adjust. She will have to respect other people and their rules and traditions and cultural requirements. If she screws up she WILL be returned home and she or her parents have no say in it.
My sister was a co-ordinator for EAFS (?)in New Zealand and she had to send a couple of kids home because they thought the entire year was one big party and would stay away all weekend. Not happening!
I would decline the offer. You are not her parent and really you do not have a dog in this fight. And tell the brat that her attitude towards you would mean you would nothing positive to add to any discussion. If they asked for a truthful answer it would be better for you NOT to tell how it really is. That this girl finds adjustment to new situations beyond her control and forms unreasonable dislikes to people for no other reason than she decides they are not worthy of her better side. How only a week ago she called you x, y and z.
2nd thoughts, go along and let yourself rip and tell the 'court' how it really is with this girl.
Oh and it cost my friend about $5K extra a year to send her each of her daughters spending money. Will the CS be diverted to the girls stay in another country?