was good and bad.

Good in that we spent a lot of time away from the house - more than usual - and I realized that the weekends that we have SD are more tolerable to me the less time we spend at home because the feelings of "space invasion" and feeling like a guest in my own home don't exist outside the home. Of course that means I'm chauffering us everywhere, because of course the little sporty luxury car that H treated himself to on the day before Mother's Day is apparently not a "family" vehicle because it cannot accommodate us all when we have SD, but I digress...

It was also good in that I got to spend some time when my family and friends when H is not as comfortable as I am for a change. (Not that I WANT him to be uncomfortble, but maybe, just maybe he will catch a glimpse of how it feels for me in my own home?!) This also included me being able to "relax" with a cocktail for the first time in almost 2 years since I found out I was pregnant with BS1! Finally, it was also good for the kids, including SD because they all got to be around other children their age and play OUTSIDE for a change, rather than spending all day indoors on the computer or watching TV - which I think should happen more often even when we ARE at home!

Okay, so now the bad. As is usually the case when SD is there, H got a bug up his butt about something. Sad thing is, it didn't help that it was at that exact moment that I first came face-to-face with some additional issues that I hadn't even realized I had about SD, and that is her relationship with H. So we're at the grocery store & H gets one his attitudes & starts giving me the silent treatment, then he grabs our BS1 out of the front of cart I was pushing, and walks off leaving me with my BS6, and SD11 follows him and when she catches up she loops her arm through his as they are walking along, together, with our BS1. Now SD11 is the same height as I am already, so I looked at that and thought "oh, what a lovely family" (sarcasm), and then like a flood all of the feelings I've had in the past when I saw SD11 sit on H's lap or sit in my spot on the couch and lean over and lay on H (all recently) or when she grabs our BS1 out of H's arms (she won't do this to me) or H hands our BS1 to her or asks to do something for BS1 that I think a parent should do (like feed the baby) - all of this just makes me EXTREMELY uncomfortable! Why even this weekend we were eating out on Friday night and had an awkward moment because H & I were both alternating feeding BS1 and then all of a sudden H tells SD11 to come and feed BS1 and she got up, but I just kept on feeding BS1 myself and didn't say anything, and then he said "well, I guess not" and SD11 sat back down and then I said "that's okay, I'll feed him." I mean, H KNEW long before we even had BS1 how I felt about children taking care of my children because I've never left BS6 in the care of someone who was not an adult his entire life except ONE TIME with SS17 when BS6 was 4yo to go out to dinner with H, and even then we made sure BS6 was fed, bathed and asleep before we left so that all SS17 had to do was make sure the house didn't burn down! SD11 asked me flat out a couple months ago when I would consider letting her babysit BS1 and I said "when you're an adult." I have also made these feelings verbally known to H long before we had BS1, so he knows how I feel about that! Of course this is why I've cringed the few times H took BS1 out alone with just him & SD because I've seen him in action and I know he will just let SD11 walk around with BS1 like he's HER baby or something, even though SD11's maturity and responsibility level is actually below average for someone her age in my opinion.

Anyway, I'm starting to feel like the list of reasons why things may not work out between H & I just keeps getting longer and I really don't know what to do about it. I guess we will see when we start seeing the marriage counselor next week...