The Burden of Proof
How do you handle when you are suspicious a child has done something malicious but you have no proof? I think bringing the issue up to DH is only going to result in his getting defensive and making excuses. If that happens, the problem will still be there but things will be worse between DH and I. I can't imagine there's many instances where an accusation has been made without concrete evidence and the situation has gone well for the stepparent. How do you handle this if it occurs in your home? Do you just bite your tongue and wait, or do you address the issue and deal with the aftermath?
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I guess it depends on what
I guess it depends on what the "malicious" thing is. Whether or not it can/should be overlooked, how old the child is, etc.
i think that no matter what,
i think that no matter what, step or not...bringing up unfavorable behavior of some ones child with no proof never goes well.
the only advice i would have is to address things from the aspect of "feelings" i know that works with dh....for example, "ss did xyz, and it really hurt me feelings, or it made me feel really un easy, and im not sure how to handle it" instead of "your son did xyz, and i know he did it to hurt my feelings, and i think that he did it on purpose, and i think he did the other tings too that make me think hes going to do xyz again"
Doesn't matter if you have
Doesn't matter if you have proof or not. Saying anything about your spouses child, with proof or not, puts your spouse of the defensive. Case in point: check out my blog "wicked letter from SD21". Since I found that letter and let Dh know that I found it, we've been arguing/not talking ever since. He goes on the defensive for SD REGARDLESS of fault.
If you'll feel better, get your proof first, but don't count on him agreeing with you.
Maybe I'm just jaded right now? Probably.
Stepoff, you are realistic. I
Stepoff, you are realistic. I absolutely agree with you, proof or no proof, the moment you open your mouth and say anything about your spouses child you have lost the argument.
it does depend ---- my sd
it does depend ---- my sd stole $500+ gift cards out of my purse while dh & were sleeping...... i brought it up --- he knew, but says she deinied it..... i went thru the fucking roof ---- eventually after all was said & done she was BUSTED ---ironically by BM who found the cards wrapped in plastic bags and hidden in sd's room at bm's........ did she get into any trouble??? of course not, but now dh know she's a liar & thief...and told sd that next time something is missing she will be the first to blame... this was about 2 yrs ago andi still hide my purse in our bedroom when she is here --- i mentioned it ot dh a few weeks ago and asked if he thought that was overboard (i just wanted his feelings) and he said he doesn't blame me.........
I am the one who told my DH
I am the one who told my DH that his daughter had a boyfriend, when my son found out about it. Read my blog. She is now living with her mom and guaranteed at some point all of it will be my fault. He flipped, grounded her and she went off and mommy asked for full custody. In two months time, we have been to hell and back. Don't tell if you don't have proof. Not worth it.
Wow. . . I am assuming that
Wow. . . I am assuming that your DH has joint custody of the skids?
If and when my skids do something wrong I correct it on the spot. My wife and I are a team and I have full "punishing powers" as she calls it. Short of smacking the crap out of them any punishment I deem necessary she will back up. i don't need to prove anything to her. She know's that I love the skids like they were my own and don't have no reason to lie about their behavior.
Totally agree w/shamilton. It
Totally agree w/shamilton. It is so important for you and DH have a strong, marriage first relationship for it to survive. My DH will always back me up. He may disagree w/some things I do or say, but will discuss in private. If SDs did something only around me, DH would believe my word. And I do the same between him and BS.
I feel for all those that do not have this kind of support in your relationship, as it obviously happens. And I don't have the best relationship w/my SD's because of it, but I have a GREAT relationship w/DH, and all of our kids see that we are a united front, if nothing else.
Some parents deny any
Some parents deny any wrongdoing by their children even if there is a mountain of proof. I wouldn't bother telling one of these type of parents anything because they won't see it and it just causes arguments. My husband went through a period of being like this. One day when stuff was missing, when SS was 17, I told husband SS had to have taken it, Money. Husband said no way so I said fine we need to file a police report then because someone is coming in our locked house taking cash and leaving and locking the door. We need to find out who this is as it can be very dangerous and the community should be aware someone has keys to houses. He saw my point and addressed it.
crayon---so agree w/the old
crayon---so agree w/the old school. I totally practice, because as they get to be teens, you know you are only catching them now and then. So gottal be hard on em when you do catch em.
so agree with Crayon....even
so agree with Crayon....even if you get proof, your DH will more than likely defend the behavior. Princess stole things from her friend...proof: the things were in Princess' bag...she never apologized. The friend's mom would not let her daughter come over anymore (understandably). Bad thing happened, there was proof, kid lies and you know what happened??? Nothing...and she said one day that she would do it again because that is who she was and laughed...still nothing. I hope for better results for you.
WTH??? Are we just to stand
WTH??? Are we just to stand by and watch our spouses raise budding psychopaths? My 22yo SS broke into my house, stole from us several times and each time DH has an explanation/excuse plus a great proposal that instead of consequences let's get him help. Sigmund Freud himself couldn't help this psycho.
Thanks for your advice
Thanks for your advice everyone. I think I'm going to go with the keep silent route for now. Sometimes these things have a way of taking care of themselves. Eventually DH is going to be on the receiving end of the malicious acts, and he'll have no choice but to acknowledge it.