Refuse additional time?
I am about to begin disengaging from my SD, but I have a major situation:
BM has asked if we can take SD for the summer. We have never had her more than a week in the summer before. She asked last year when I was home on maternity leave and I said no but I was able to use the excuse that I had a newborn at the time and didn't want the additional responsibility. DH was angered by this because he wanted SD there, but eventually he got over it. Then, DH found out BM was leaving then 10.5yo SD home alone all day everyday. By this point school was only a week away from starting and I was back at work, but instead of offering to pay for daycare he insisted we bring her to our home and leave her there alone all day. Apparently he had done this at his place the prior summer when SD was only 9.5yo because I guess neither he nor BM wanted pay for daycare and this was acceptable to them. I didn't understand the difference between leaving her home alone at BMs house or ours, but apparently the home we lived in was in a "safer" neighborhood so that made DH more comfortable. Well, this did NOT make me comfortable at all because I felt SD is not responsible enough to be home alone unsupervised, so I forbid it to take place in my home. DH called my bluff, picked her up, and left her there all day everyday that week! Well of course that resulted in a HUGE blow-up between us and not a happy week for anyone.
So now back to BM's request for us to take SD for this summer. Due to last summer's debacle DH IS offering to put SD in childcare versus leaving her home all day this time (which I'm sure she'll "LOVE" given that she thinks she grown now and all), but honestly I still would not be comfortable with this given the current situation. Not only will we have 2 children already in childcare for the summer which means I'm sure I'll have to pick up more slack than I already am in our finances because we really canNOT afford to pay for a THIRD, but then I will have to deal with the current "guilt" parenting situation day in and out for months rather than just eow - I might just lose my mind!!!
So the question: I was thinking about refusing any "ADDITIONAL" time until we can get DH to be a parent in the time he already has. Is this reasonable or should I expect this to be the marriage-ending blow?
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The point I was trying to
The point I was trying to make when I said "until we can get DH to be a parent in the time he already has" is that I really think we need be on less shaky ground before we go and try to build a skyscaper on top of it, but I guess it might've gotten lost in the rest of the post. As it stands, SD spends 90% of her weekends at our home in her room on the internet, watching tv, and on the phone WITHOUT SUPERVISION or MONITORING while DH sleeps. I would hardly call that quality father-daughter time, so maybe if we could just NOT go from 0 to 60 (1 week in the summer in the past to FULL summer now), but instead maybe we take 2 weeks this summer as a "test" to see if he steps up his parenting before we go anymore.
The way I see it is this is "ADDITIONAL" time, not his eow visits that I would be refusing. Addtional time that he did NOT even ask for by the way, but instead the BM is the one trying to have a child-free summer while I get stuck with her kid! (BM probably won't even try to see SD eow.)
As for CS from BM - ha! Forget it! I will be the 1st to admit that DH does NOT pay what he should be paying (yes a shocker for a SM to admit this, but it's TRUE) so I understand why he wouldn't want to ruffle any feathers there.
Anyway, thanks for the advice! I guess I have some more thinking to do...
I would have to agree with
I would have to agree with Vick. Refusing to have her there will probably backfire you and end up in a more unhappy, resentful DH, and in turn affect your marriage. Rather, take the situation and "mold it" that is, you will set rules and boundaries. good luck!
Put the shoe on the other
Put the shoe on the other foot. If it was your husband telling you that your child that you created wasn't welcome in your home because it would be too much of an 'inconvenience' to HIM.....how would you react? I know what my response would be!!
This is his CHILD, not an annoying in-law or obnoxious childhood friend! What would happen if the BM were to die tomorrow in a terrible accident? Would you not want the child to come to live with you and your family?
I say you should expect his response to be full of anger, hurt and disappointment. You not accepting his kid is (in a man's eyes especially) like not accepting a part of him.
I expect the same out of all
I expect the same out of all our children step or not. If my own kids did what SS does they'd get the same treatment or maybe worse because I know they know better.
Ok, I get where you're coming
Ok, I get where you're coming from but I feel are blowing this just a bit out of proportion. I didn't say SD wasn't "welcome" in my home (as a matter of fact she will be there for the LONG holiday weekend this weekend), this is "ADDITIONAL" time, not his regular visits, so I DO believe I have a say in having a house guest I wasn't expecting to have for an extended period of time.
As for the shoe on the other foot - my child came with the house - that was the arrangement when DH moved in, so he knew what he was getting. I, however, did not sign up to spend my summers paying the bills while me and my children play second fiddle to an 11.5yo.
Finally, if BM died and SD came to live with us, well, that would be another story entirely. If I was going to be forced to play mother to an 11.5yo that wasn't raised with my values then we'd have get her in line pretty quickly unless DH would rather be a single parent again. The only reason I put up with the situation as it is now is because its only eow.
AMEN! dh added an extra ass
AMEN! dh added an extra ass gnat weekday AFTER we got married..... i was mad as hell for a long time (probably still mad), not so much over the extra day, just we didn't discuss and he just did it.... so now, i have an extra day with skids that i didn't sign-up for....... if he tried to shove a whole summer down my throat, it would be war!
Oh, plus I learned from past
Oh, plus I learned from past experience. SS lived with us for a year and it was PURE HELL, but I accepted that when I married his father knowing that father had FULL custody of SS and they were a package deal. Unfortunately for SD that is actually one of the main reasons why I am fighting against anymore time with SD because I've BTDT & SD is basically just a younger female version of SS. SS's went to go live with BM & his own BM put him out at 17yo & he had nowhere else to go so I even welcomed him back because again, that was part of the deal with DH having full custody. Unfortunately during the hell that ensued after SS's return DH had the nerve to say "well, you shoulda said no when he asked to come back." Seriously? I had that option? No! This was DH's child and he was homeless by his own mother's hands - no way was I going to say no. But that is NOT the situation here with SD, so why would I put myself in the same situation again when I don't have to?
Fool me once...
Why won't the BM split the
Why won't the BM split the cost of the daycare? and why don't you make your SD do some chores to help out. I see your concerns but I also see this as doable as long as all parties compromise some for the safety of SD she's too young to be left alone all day.
BM won't pay for childcare
BM won't pay for childcare and frankly I don't blame her on that one. DH doesn't pay very much in CS, much less than he would if BM went to court for an increase, so DH better let sleeping dogs lie on that one. BM would simply expect us to leave SD home alone for free like she does, and DH would probably agree because the only reason he's considering childcare now is because of me. I expect a lot out of a child that is left home alone - SD is NOT ready. 11.5yo SD can't even seem to manage remembering to brush her teeth everyday without being told.
You could go on vacation
You could go on vacation while she's there?
I would have her some chores
I would have her some chores to do each and every day! That is what Im struggling with my SD!
I am going to go off on a
I am going to go off on a limb here and say that refusing to have her in your house unsupervised is not bad at all. I can understand your husband wants to have more time with his daughter however, her being alone in the house is not him spending more time with her. She is not a teenager she is only 10 and that is to young to be home alone. Do they not realize that the wrong person could catch wind and call CPS on them for that? As far as the day care expense the BM should have to pay for half it is not fair that she does not want to take responsibility for watching her child either. I know I sound mean sometimes but you need to tell your husband that if he wants her there then he needs to make arrangements for proper care for her when both of you are at work and the BM needs to help foot the bill.
YMCA summer day camp. It is
YMCA summer day camp. It is cheap and the kid will love it. My Skid did. My wife and I both work so before and after Summer visitation with the SpermClan we put him in day camp. We also had him in the YMCA after school program that was at his school. They did homework and activities until picked up by parents.
The cost was ~$50.00/Week if my memory serves me correctly.
When he got too old to attend Summer Day Camp and after school camp he went back as a counselor for the younger kids.
I agree that for sure you do not want a 10.5yo home alone all day all summer long.
I also agree with those who have suggested that it is not a good idea to mandate that your DH cannot have his child in your home for the summer. That does nothing but breed ill will in your marriage.
IMHO of course.
Best regards,
Nowadays is $105 a week for
still cheaper than daycare or
still cheaper than daycare or babysitters
Gia, You just had to dis on
Gia,
You just had to dis on my age and failing memory did'nt you.
Best regards,
i'm not in the mood to have
i'm not in the mood to have my ass handed to me, so i will keep my 2 cents to myself.... but for the record, mommylove, i am 100% on your side!
check into the ymca like steve said.... and like trying said get that chore list going b/c you are probably going to get stuck with sd in the evenings regardless
good luck
I don't know if I missed
I don't know if I missed anything when I read your blog.
If DH is home during the day to watch his daughter, then you can't refuse him the right to see his child.
If DH is at work and you are the one that will have to watch her and you don't want to...don't. I would tell DH she can stay with you for the summer but that she needs to go to daycare. She can't stay at her mom's by herself. Take the CS that DH isn't paying and put it towards the daycare.
Here it is for me bottom
Here it is for me bottom line. If it is not on the custody agreement it should not happen. I say this because my BFs BM fought him in court for two years to get the custody she wanted. When it suits her she wants to "let" BF spend more time with the kids all while he pays $1500 a month in CS. I dont think so. She has been told that if she wants BF to spend more time with the kids and take them more often then she needs to modify the custody. The BF used her line that she always likes to use. YOU DID THIS!!!!
It sounds like she was all
It sounds like she was all after the money.
I think you are doing the right thing in your situation, BM can modify the schedule/CS then get a extra break.
Sounds like the issue you
Sounds like the issue you have is more with your DH's parenting (or lack there of). Maybe he does need the ulitimatum. Sure honey, I'd love to have SD here for the summer under these conditions: YOU take care of her, YOU spend time with her, YOU discipline her, YOU take her to childcare or make arrangements for her to stay with a friend or neighbor while nobody is home.
I agree that if he is paying
I agree that if he is paying low CS (lower than he should be) and BM would just leave her alone like last summer you should foot the entire bill. I saw above you agree with that as well--
Is it wrong to say no to having another fulltime child in your/his care for an entire summer?
I don't think so. For me I feel the same way you do. You live there too, this doesn't just affect him. Its affects on you and your 2 other kids will be drastic. I know that if my SD11 moved in for even just the summer it would turn my kids lives upside down.
If it were a permanet situation then I would agree to have her fulltime and make the changes. But it just isn't worth everyone trying to adjust....she will be moving out before they are even settled.
I bet this is a huge family issue for you. I would assert his want to be with his DD all summer but be sure to point out the affect this will have on your marriage and other children.
Good luck
No, I really think you are
No, I really think you are the one who should hold on. I get the impression by your response that you didn't even really read any of my posts, but only saw what you wanted to see. I don't know if there's a reason my posts hit home for you, but at the end of the day my post was not about your situation or your feelings but about mine, so you really shouldn't take it personally as it appears you are doing.
Now again, I'll repeat for those who may have challenges with reading or comprehension, this is "ADDITIONAL" time. If there had been some "formal" set-up as to how this went so that I would have known what I was getting myself into like with SS then I would accept that, but SD's BM and DH have chosen to keep their arrangement informal all of these years (custody, visitation and CS are all handled withOUT court intervention), so that, in my opinion, leaves it open to negotiation - especially since this was not DH's or even SD's request but instead BM's. Also, as you stated, this is the "home I share with DH", so I SHOULD and DO have a say in what goes on it.
The point I was making and I'll repeat this only one last time for those who may not have gotten it the first few times I said it - is that DH DOES NOT PARENT during the time he has his daughter now, and unless he planning to change that BEFORE "ADDITIONAL" time, I just don't see the value in having any additional time. What is it like "face time" at work where you stay the requisite hours just so you can say you were there and collect a paycheck? It shouldn't be. If you're not adding any value to the organization then there's really no point in your being employed there, and I think the same thing about parents who think they should get brownie points for "playing with" and buying their kids stuff but not putting in the WORK to provide the discipline, guidance and direction that will allow these children to grow into functioning adults.
As for "playing second fiddle", I didn't get into that in this post because I've already posted separately, but yes, there is a difference in how DH treats my children and SD. He treats her better and that is not acceptable and that also means I end up treating her better too as long as I allow the differences to continue. I'm the one who simply wants them all to be treated the same - especially since my children are my DH's children too (one biologically and the other since 9mos!) SD does NOT deserve "special treatment" simply because her mom sucks - that's not fair to our other children!
As for the CS, that's between DH and BM. I really don't care if she did get more or less because it really doesn't impact me much either way. All I've ever expected is for DH to PARENT his children, including the biological one he has with me, and if I have to make a choice about which child I need to protect and fight for in terms of being cared for properly it doesn't take a genius to figure out which one I will choose. SD's has her own BM to fight her battles.
fyi, mommylove ~~ i took huge
fyi, mommylove ~~ i took huge offense to just's comments, too...
I appreciate the advice, and
I appreciate the advice, and you are in my head because one of the biggest problems I have with this whole "guilt parenting" and preferential treatment for SD scenario is I have allowed myself to pick up the slack for his lack of parenting instead of insisting upon him doing it, and that includes in some cases him neglecting his financial reponsibilities to care for the child we have together when he's considering his financial resources for "additional" time and "extra stuff and fun" for his daughter. I DEFINITELY think he SHOULD care for his daughter, but he SHOULD care for our son TOO, not just expect me to "take care of it" because he can't afford to do both and our son has me who WILL do it, whereas SD has BM who may or may not. It's not my fault BM is a half-assed mom - I didn't choose her. My thought is if he can't afford both then he can't afford either - I'm tired my child being the "secondary" to SD by DH because I can take care of it. So if he wants me to agree to this he is going to have to be willing to step-up to the plate in that area as well. (Of course lest I not point out that differences in parenting is not the only issue we have in our marriage, but then our financial issues is not really a topic for the step-talk board.) Thanks!