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Newbie looking for some coping methods

Brooke_55's picture

Submitted by Brooke_55 on Fri, 04/02/2010 - 10:05am

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HI Everyone,
I've been reading through this site for a week or so and think I need to join. I need some help and from the looks of things, there are people with lots of experience here. I am married and have two young step sons (who are with us every other weekend and one weekday afternoon). My husband has a very difficult ex and it is interfering in our lives. She seems to pull all the same crap that everyone else's tough ex's are doing so I don't think my story is new at all. But where I'm having trouble and needing help is here - the situations involve/affect me directly, yet I have no control over how my husband ultimately handles them. He consults with me and we talk about stuff and try to work together, but the ex get's him so frustrated and wound up that he often caves to her stupid demands (in fear of not being able to see the kids, and probably more so - to avoid more conflict). I see that when he stands up to her, calles her bluff, gets taken to court by her, that he always comes out on top and get's the result he was looking for. I want him to keep standing up to her with her insane demands because I need to create some distinct boundarys regarding her control issues/involvement on things that affect our lives.

Most times my husband reacts the way I wish he would but sometimes he does not. It's at these times that I am sure we are taking steps backward in regards to discouraging her combative behavior.

So where I'm seeking help is here - how on earth do I stay calm, grounded and supportive to him about this? I want to get us a lawyer (he was a bit burned by his first legal experience and is not eager to go that route again) and be done with it. I want to scream at him to stick to his guns because it works every time as hard as it is for him. But ultimatley - it is not my decision and is out of my control as to how he responds to his ex's behavior. How on earth do I stay relaxed and not let it brew up inside me until I feel like I'm going to blow? It just eats up at me. And I love my husband, and know that this woman is just angry. I want him to know that I back him and love him and am proud, but at the same time, I want him to handle the situations in very specific ways (sometimes he does and sometimes he doesn't). How do I stay calm and keep things good in my mind? Please, I'd be grateful for any experienced advice. I want our marriage to start out right and need to develop some coping methods asap.

Thanks in advance for reading this.

Brooke_55's picture

Submitted by Brooke_55 on Fri, 04/02/2010 - 11:47am

Thank you, I will try it. I'm game to try anything and I'm very open and hopeful that things will work as I know this is part of my new life.

glynne's picture

Submitted by glynne on Fri, 04/02/2010 - 12:06pm

Hi and welcome,
Alanon helped me determine what I could change and I what I couldn't. Our counselor suggested it to help me deal with SD's and DH's relationship. There are women only groups available and yes, it deals with alcoholic family members but also addresses how to live with situations that are out of your control. Truly helped me gain perspective and lessened my anger and resentment. Glynne

blondie66's picture

Submitted by blondie66 on Fri, 04/02/2010 - 12:07pm

Well, I don't have any magical coping advice but I can tell you that my reactions to the exact same thing (how DH handles the X from hell issues, including caving to the idiotic demands - ugh, those are by far the worst to digest!)had a pretty negative effect on my marriage and the relationship with my DH. We love each other dearly but we had way too many bitter bitter fights over the same things and each fight left a scar that sometimes I feel we really never go back to the same happy place but get further from it, bit by bit.
So the only advice I can give you is - be careful. Really careful not to ruin what you have with your DH b/c of what his X. Wouldn't she have a field day if she knew it?! That's what I always think.
I changed MY behavior a lot. Someone might argue that I shouldn't change and that I should be who I am, but I don't think that that ME was particularly healthy for me or my DH.
My reactions to her antics are still wild. What I do is this - avoid talking to my DH about it until I calm down. How do I calm down - I usually sit down and write her an email response. I pour down all my anger, point out all the inconsistencies, unfairness, rudeness etc. And then - I don't send it. Or I send it to myself. It's silly but it works.
The other step is to talk to my DH about it. I tell him we should discuss this latest "issue" and ask him when he would think he would be willing and available to discuss it. If we set the time and do it then, it works SO much better, b/c he doesn't feel he's being ambushed and forced to talk about it (when he really wants to make it go away). Then I start by saying - this is what I think and this is how this makes me feel. He tends to be so much more receptive to my opinion than when I blast in anger right after we just received an email from BM.
It does not always work and sometimes we both slip into a confrontational/defensive mode but when we both try to make an effort, it has a lot more chances to be handled well.
Another thing I just recently started doing is - pick my battles. Like reaaally pick my battles. I caught myself nagging about EVERYTHING BM or the skids did that I didn't like. Were they legitimate issues? Probably. Were they solved in any way by me pointing them out? No way. All I caused was grief and bad days between DH and me.
I vent here, I vent in my phantom emails or I vent to my mom, all in great detail. And it helps. A few days later, I would realize how petty some of those issues were in a great scheme of things.
Still a long way to go but both DH and I noticed improvement in our relationship relative to the way we handle BM/skids issues (to be clear - 99.99% of our issues overall).

Brooke_55's picture

Submitted by Brooke_55 on Fri, 04/02/2010 - 1:04pm

It really does seem like everyone here understands exactly what's going on. It is funny that I didn't even have to explain anything because you know exactly where I'm coming from. I like the idea of planning a time to discuss. I know my DH feels ambushed (before I even get a word out of my mouth - just from the look on my face). It's so unfair to have to deal with this crap when we are just trying to build our own lives together and add to our family. So, so frustrating and often maddening - sometimes I get so upset (not for a while lately - getting better at it) that I feel like Linda Blair from the Exorcist! Thanks for the great advice. I'm sure I'll use it shortly.

TheWife's picture

Submitted by TheWife on Fri, 04/02/2010 - 1:10pm

***Disclaimer...The advice I am about to give is best ignored because it is coming from a dark place because I am pissed off today***

But my best coping mechanism? Grey Goose.

Kidding. (kinda).

Welcome though. These ladies (and guys!!) on here are awesome and have helped me have a happy marriage in just three months time!!

Wow, now I sound like an infomercial for ST.

LOL.

____________________________________________________________________

"If it sounds like I think I am better than you, it's because I do."

Kb3Hooah's picture

Submitted by Kb3Hooah on Fri, 04/02/2010 - 1:12pm

Welcome though. These ladies (and guys!!) on here are awesome and have helped me have a happy marriage in just three months time!!

Wow, now I sound like an infomercial for ST

-----------> Are you also wearing that cheesy ass grin that they all have in those commercials - LMAO

Welcome Brooke!! Smile

______________________________________
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

stepmom008's picture

Submitted by stepmom008 on Fri, 04/02/2010 - 2:23pm

and giving two thumbs up?

"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".

TheWife's picture

Submitted by TheWife on Fri, 04/02/2010 - 5:28pm

So I am totally gonna take a picture of myself doing the cheesy smile and two thumbs up and post it, lol...

____________________________________________________________________

"If it sounds like I think I am better than you, it's because I do."

NachoMama's picture

Submitted by NachoMama on Fri, 04/02/2010 - 2:36pm

I like the way you think....although Goose (or any Vodka for that matter) causes HUGE holes in space and time for me! HAHA But I can't resist a good dirty martini!
Welcome Brooke! This place is AWESOME!!!! I am so glad to have found it too! I am new myself and in just the few days since I have joined...I feel so much better about my situation! It's nice having people that understand!

****I can do bad all by myself****

CRenfort's picture

Submitted by CRenfort on Fri, 04/02/2010 - 5:25pm

I completely agree with Grey Goose!

I tried to just remove myself from the situation completely, which worked well for me. But my husband thought it ment I didn't care about him and his son. So now I nod in agreement always, drink every other weekend, and call my sisters almost daily.

Good luck lady.