I'm going to explode...

BF is alone on a trip with SD...he hasn't called me since Sunday night. He's texted me, and IM'd me, but I still feel extremely POd. Whether it is true or not, I feel like he doesn't have the time to call me and I am angry and hurt.

Am I being unrealistic/unreasonable? I haven't gotten this angry in quite a while.

I was angry he was spending money he didn't have on this trip. I was "sort of" invited, but not really...he planned it and then asked me, AFTER I already had commitments. He asked me if I wanted to spend the first night of the trip with them and come home, but I didn't feel comfortable and decided to pass.

Btw, he is IMing me when he gets her in bed.

We've been together 2.5 years...

I need honest opinions ladies...this may be the straw that broke the camel's back.

AlexandraL's blog
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If he has the time to text

If he has the time to text and IM....why can't he just pick up the phone and call you?!? That would make me beyond mad!!!

****I can do bad all by myself****

You're not being

You're not being unreasonable. I dislike your bf more and more every time you blog. He is selfish and self absorbed and thinks YOU should just accept everything as it is to make him happy and he has no regard for your happiness.

"That's how women are, aren't they? We want to know that others have been where we've been, who understand our fragile places, and who see our sunsets in the same shades of blue" - Beth Moore

Ok, thank you, so I am not

Ok, thank you, so I am not unreasonable or nuts.

Do I confront him tonight or wait until he comes back later in the week...I am guessing he's not calling at all...

Oh, NachoMama, he can't call because SD is most likely in bed in the hotel room trying to sleep...that's why he's wanting to text me, because his gf is going to bed for the night.

Couldn't he still just call

Couldn't he still just call to say Hey Love you talk to you soon! I would at least except that if he was away on vacation. My DH calls me most everyday so I am a little spoiled I suppose.

****I can do bad all by myself****

I wanted to add I just don't

I wanted to add I just don't think he wants to get brought down by me...he knows I think it is ridiculous him taking SD away and that I am angry...I still don't think that excuses it.

alex...I think you and I are

alex...I think you and I are kindred spirits...same situation...different lives. I had to go away over night a while back and if I had not texted and called BF...he never would have even checked on me...I waited a while to see if he would the day I got there and nothing so at about 10 I texted him. "well since you haven't asked, I made it here ok and going to bed" and what I got back was "k"

That's downright lousy

That's downright lousy jojo.

Funny, I think BF would expect ME to call and yet he doesn't...he did call this morning, but it was a little late, ya know?

Steperg, he calls several

Steperg, he calls several times a day when SD isn't around...when SD is around, only at night.

Guess vacation=no calls for Alex...

I'm pissed because I told him sometimes it seems out of sight, out of mind. Sure, he's texted me little texts through the day, but that seems like the lazy man's way...the least disruptive to SD.

Thanks Steperg...enjoy Lost.

I have this same issue-- as

I have this same issue-- as if when he is with SS he can't wrap his head around anything else. He'll claim "my phone was accidentally turned off!" But then I point out that I would have liked him to wonder why he hadn't heard from me yet when it was 9:30pm. B/c he's with SS is why he didn't wonder!!!
I'd be pissed- I often get pissed.
I sometimes think all of these men need serious therapy, serious discussions about guilt, and serious discussions about co-dependency and their kids.

Stepping, that is me, but

Stepping, that is me, but come on now, you don't talk for days? I am so angry I feel like ending it, but when he finally gets into communication with me he's going to say some bs thing that makes it look like I was jumping to incorrect conclusions, being oversensitive, etc.

Do you say anything to him?

When someone continually

When someone continually does things that upset you and then blames you for being selfish, over-sensitive, jumping to conclusions, etc. it is called emotional blackmail. You have a right to get some of what you want out of the relationship. It is called compromising. Yes, he has a kid. That doesn't give him a right to say "Oh, so sorry Alex. I want you to be with me. I love you. But I want you to fade into the background and accept that you're unimportant when my kid is present, which by the way, is every other day." He keeps telling you he is trying, but I'm not buying it. I think he is telling you that so he can keep blaming you for asking him for too much.

"That's how women are, aren't they? We want to know that others have been where we've been, who understand our fragile places, and who see our sunsets in the same shades of blue" - Beth Moore

SVS, that is what one of my

SVS, that is what one of my friends says. It's not that he's saying I am supposed to fall into the background...it's just his behavior/actions that lead me to the conclusions I do!

Actions are way more

Actions are way more powerful than words. I can SAY anything - doesn't make it true, does it? I can say the sky is green and grass is blue, but it won't change the truth. He can say he doesn't ask you to fade into the background, but that doesn't make it true.

"That's how women are, aren't they? We want to know that others have been where we've been, who understand our fragile places, and who see our sunsets in the same shades of blue" - Beth Moore

I don't play games, ever,

I don't play games, ever, but I am tempted to shut my phone off for the night. He can wonder what I am doing for once...

delete

What do you mean Middlemom?

I like your suggestion about

I like your suggestion about cutting your phone off. It's been 3 days and he hasn't called you. An actual phone call seems alot more personal to me than texting or IM. To me it says, I miss you and want to hear your voice.

______________________________________
"Most couples have not had hundreds of arguments, they've had the same argument hundreds of times."

Maybe I shouldn't be, but I

Maybe I shouldn't be, but I am deeply hurt Middlemom. Maybe this is the sign I needed to end things.

Alex, I'd be upset too, so

Alex, I'd be upset too, so don't feel guilty for feeling the way you do. Just based on your posts alone, I can tell that you have ALOT to offer someone, and it's not fair to meet the emotional/physical needs of someone else, but it not be reciprocated. I don't doubt that your BF has good qualities, otherwise you probably wouldn't have been attracted to him to begin with, but sometimes, no matter how good a person is, it doesn't always mean they are right for us.

A quote that I'm reminded of is "Women marry men hoping they will change, Men marry women hoping they will not."

We often hold onto relationships hoping things will change, but I think we have to realize that if this isn't the relationship we want now, it probably never will be.

((((ALEX)))) You're close to my heart girl!

______________________________________
"Most couples have not had hundreds of arguments, they've had the same argument hundreds of times."

Thank you Middlemom for your

Thank you Middlemom for your sweet post...I could just about cry. I know your situation is somewhat similar and it makes me feel good knowing someone understands me.

I'm a tough cookie...I'll be ok.

When someone shows you who

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. A zebra can't change his stripes. I know you are hurting and I am sending you love and hugs, but do you want to ALWAYS be second, for the rest of your life? You should come first some of the time even if his kid doesn't like it. He can't call you because his kid is there. Hmmm, what does that say? It says "I'd like to talk to you Alex because I need to know you aren't going anywhere, but I need to do it covertly because I don't want my daughter to be upset that I might pay attention to someone else on her time. I mean you can't expect me to make her feel like my world doesn't actually spin around her for even a second, do you? If you do, you're being unfair and insensitive. Children (no matter the age) need their parents to show them that they will choose them always, no matter the cost or the hurt they cause others." That is so unfair to you and it is unfair to his kid who will grow up thinking it is ok to hurt others for the sake of their own happiness. I think HE needs that connection to his daughter more than his daughter does.

"That's how women are, aren't they? We want to know that others have been where we've been, who understand our fragile places, and who see our sunsets in the same shades of blue" - Beth Moore

You're right SVS. Maybe he

You're right SVS. Maybe he doesn't realize how shit like this makes me feel, but like you said in the other post, is it always going to be about me -- that I'm oversensitive or whatever? Maybe I am, and because I am, he should be working a little bit harder if he wants to salvage our relationship. Also, who wants to be in a relationship where you've got to be the relationship police and contantly bring the man into the loop -- you come off as a needy nag when you have to basically hold the guy's hand and lead him through appropriate behavior.

I am certainly going to talk to him about why he didn't call for two days when he returns.

I've told him many times it is not good for SD to have so much focus...they're ruining this kid. She is practically Creature's twin except he can't see it...

If he didn't know and

If he didn't know and listened to you when you told him, I'd give him a pass, but he doesn't do that, he makes it your problem. He wants you to change and accept who he is without compromise. You know what, Alex, maybe that is the key...you should be with someone who all ready is what you want, not someone who has to be reminded. Despite Creature's annoying behavior and attitude, my dh never makes me feel like I take a backseat to her. He would never go on vacation with her and not take me. He just wouldn't. Hell, he won't take her to McDonald's without me. And if I travel somewhere for work, etc. and forget to let him know I made it ok, he goes crazy with worry. He'll be out of town tomorrow for work and I bet he'll call me a dozen times to check on me. You deserve that, especially if you're putting up with his baggage. If my dh wasn't so dang wonderful, I would never put up with Creature. He MAKES it worth it and better yet, he realizes he needs to make it worth it.

"That's how women are, aren't they? We want to know that others have been where we've been, who understand our fragile places, and who see our sunsets in the same shades of blue" - Beth Moore

SVS, yes, maybe you're

SVS, yes, maybe you're right. He's so many things I DO want, but this one particular thing is huge. I feel like he's a polygamist with two wives...me and SD. It's how I feel.

He doesn't deserve a pass this time...I have told him on weekends when he has SD that I feel like it is out of sight, out of mind and how it makes me feel. I am not asking for some high maintenance request...he should WANT to call me and should appreciate that I am not calling and potentially interrupting them, you know. Like I said, he's probably going to say that if I wanted to talk to him why didn't I call? That he wanted me to come and invited me (I initially refused, then almost went for one night knowing I couldn't stay the whole time because I had an interview), that his initial plan was to take ME away alone for vacation, but no one could watch SD during Feb vacation so BM took her and now the payback is he had to take SD all week. Then I am going to feel guilty and he's going to get off.

The sad thing is my kids are gone all week...

Shut off your phone, and let

Shut off your phone, and let him wonder... LIKE

He texted me before I could

He texted me before I could and asked me if I wanted to IM. I said not really. He said ok, fine. Maybe it is time to shut the phone off.

I would be ticked. Sorry to

I would be ticked. Sorry to say it, but it sounds like when his kid isn't around he's one person but when she's around he does what SHE wants...are you freaking kidding me? No, if you can't stand up to your kid, then start walking...That to me would say, "I won't call you, I'll text you so that my kid doesn't get upset"...I'd tell him to take a hike...

And I agree, I'd shut my phone off...or if you really wanted to tick him and his crazy kid off, I'd CALL HIM and be SUPER NICE! hehe...if he didn't answer, then you'd know he's basically hiding so that his kid doesn't get upset...and then, I'd shut my phone off...

He texted me and I didn't

He texted me and I didn't reply. I don't want to call him, he can F%^k off now.

Fanning myself I love your

*Fanning myself* I love your dirty talk lol

______________________________________
"Most couples have not had hundreds of arguments, they've had the same argument hundreds of times."

Middlemom...F bombs are my

Middlemom...F bombs are my favorite thing these days...just don't want to get kicked off by admin by letting loose, lol.

If people IRL only knew what a sailor mouth I had!

He is two different

He is two different people.

I don't want to tick anyone off, I just want to be treated the way I know I deserve to me treated.

I just cannot imagine DH

I just cannot imagine DH taking SD on a trip without his dear wife. Period.

Sincerely,

"I will die on my feet before I live on my knees"

We're not married Gia, and

We're not married Gia, and we're no longer living together.

Alexandra, I think this is a

Alexandra, I think this is a "line in the sand" moment. If you don't show him that you deserve better, then he will always think it is okay to treat you like this.

If I were you, I would consider this a deal breaker. If he eventually calls you and asks what is up, tell him. If he doesn't understand or gets defensive, then tell him "I deserve better than someone who can't call me while he is away on a trip, and feels the need to treat me like dirt whenever his child is around." Click.

Because you do, you know. And you will never find that person if you stay with this one.

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

Your right BelleBD. Funny

Your right BelleBD. Funny you should say a "line in the sand" moment, because I felt like something huge just shifted for me...I feel like it is a line in the sand moment.

He took her away before when we first got together and he called me; two and a half years later he can't find time over the course of TWO days to effing call?

I agree, I might have settled for this when I was younger but no way now.

I don't think he'll even mention it, to be honest, it doesn't register.

Well...I did once go days

Well...I did once go days without hearing from him. He took his son camping in Death Valley. We weren't living together then, and they left their apt. at about 3am to get to Death Valley by late morning. I asked him to PLEASE pay attention to where they were so that he would remember to call me before heading out of cell range. He did not, I didn't hear from him for 4 days, until he was headed home.
Currently, during the week I work about 3 hours away and am gone for 2-3 days. These are the times when frequently his phone would be off while he was teaching and b/c then he is picking up SS, doing things with him, and I imagine just totally consumed by the "wonderfulness" of his son, he forgets to turn his phone on until it is like 9:30 or 10 and his son is in bed. I understand and respect how busy parenting alone can be- but SS is almost 11. And I also know that FH has tremendous issues around co-dependency and little individuation in his relationship with his son. So thus, when his son is there, he has little awareness of anything else and does, I think, forget to expect to hear from me, etc.
I also acknowledge that part of this is just that we are different people with different needs, in this area. FH does also tells me I was jumping to incorrect conclusions. I think this is part of his inability to have any perspective at all about his son.
It is improving, but still an issue. I sometimes wish on the nights I work away that I did have the strength to just turn off my phone. I don't want to be doing that "just to show him" and the truth is I want to talk with him. So I leave it on. I am not in a place of strength, yet, of being able to do it just for me.

Stepping...I have two

Stepping...I have two kids...and my phone is always on, no matter what is going down at my house so don't excuse him. In addition, I never have "things I need to take care of" (code word, SD)...I am almost never the one to say goodbye...I make my kids wait...only if I am knee deep in cooking or driving or on another important call will I make him wait.

I hear you...sometimes I just want to shut my phone off but it feels like game playing.

This just stinks, Alex. You

This just stinks, Alex. You deserve much better.

Whenever my FH goes out of town with his kids, unless he's camping without a phone, he's sure to call me at least once a day just to say hello and he misses me. He calls me at least once a day from work, too, just to hear that I'm okay and to say he loves me.

That's what you deserve for yourself. Not this Jekyll and Hyde character who can't be bothered.

If I were in your position, I'd leave the phone on and reply ONCE to his text with "If you want to talk, you can call me."

When he gets home I'd address it with him in a calm, rational way and explain exactly how I feel about what he's done. If he gets defensive or doesn't get it, I'd consider letting him go and finding someone who can treat me with the respect and adoration I deserve.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Selkie, I am going to try

Selkie, I am going to try and wait until he comes home to explain myself. I know AFTER I explain how he made me feel he'll understand, but that didn't help last night or now. I just think it is ironic that he couldn't find the time for a short call, or more likely, didn't want to call...especially when he knows I feel like he forgets about me when he is with SD and would benefit from being reassured. He does stupid stuff like this and then wonders why I feel the way I feel about SD... a lot of it is HIS behavior!

He figures he's being a good boyfriend by texting me while he's away. I don't see it the same way I guess.

Just writing this is making me seeth again.

Thanks Rixchick. I think I

Thanks Rixchick. I think I am getting closer to resolving things. I'm glad you and other ST friends are around because I have a feeling I am going to need them really soon.

You are here

I'm going to explode...

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