MY FIANCES FAMILY HATES ME AND THEY ARE SO HATEFUL, IF TEARS MY FIANCE APART I THINK.
My fiances family is very hateful to me because his sister hates me. She runs the family from across the country. She has no kids, no drivers licence, no husband, and lives in California and I live in Maine. She comes home three times a yr and wants to take over for that week. She is loud, obnoxious and insulted my family last xmas and I got blamed for it by his whole family. My family lives four hrs from here and they came for xmas eve. He also has a weirdo 16 yr old with definate mental issues. The whole family is in denial over that. But, back to his sister, she is very domineering and the only girl in the family, however is 50. They all think she is a genius, but, is never right about anything, she puts me down constantly and it is making my fiance feel terrible. I love him but this is affecting him. She really hates me, does not invite me to any family things when she is here and now has the mother hating me to. What can I do? I love my fiance, but, this is pulling us apart. I have tryed to disengage is that the best thing to do and when she is home just let him go to the stuff she plans and spend time with her, he states to me well she is my sister. So what can I do to feel better?
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How do you know that she
How do you know that she puts you down constantly? Does your FH talk to her everyday? How often is their contact?
If she's only coming to visit 3 times a year, I'd make plans with *my* family during those times away from her. Let your FH know that as long as she's disrespecting you, you will no longer be in her presence.
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"Most couples have not had hundreds of arguments, they've had the same argument hundreds of times."
He said she always brings it
He said she always brings it up, she calls him almost every day at work. When she leaves a message on his phone she leaves one for about 20 min long and goes on and on like having a conversation with someone, laughing and talking like a nut that she is. She tells him to leave me because his kids need him, one 20 and useless, one 16 and nutty as a fruit cake, hoarding food, binge eating, weird noises, and this is a boy. Something is wrong but the family is in denial. But, this sister is real pain in the ass, should I just make plans and be ok with fh going to do things with her if she is so negative about me?
The only person you can do
The only person you can do anything about in this situation is yourself. Maybe after others see by your actions that you won't tolerate this behavior, others will follow suit and learn to treat you with respect. However, you can't rely on that to happen. All you can do is focus on what YOU need to do.
With that said, I'd let FH know that you no longer want to hear about the conversations between him and his sister. His silence on the situation is condoning her behavior towards you. He can tell her to respect his relationship with you, without being an ass about it, but since he clearly won't, then you don't want to be involved in the conversation period. Hearing what she has to say about you is only getting you upset when it's not necessary.
I would make plans with your family during the times she visits, invite your FH to come along if he would like, if not, then leave it be. The problem comes in when we nag DH all.the.time about something he isn't doing or handling in the right way. WE become the problem. When we stop nagging about it, and letting the situation unfold for itself, he will see who the problem really is......his sister, and then he will eventually grow tired of hearing HER nag.
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"Most couples have not had hundreds of arguments, they've had the same argument hundreds of times."
The best thing one can do,
The best thing one can do, if you want a relationship to survive crazy in-laws is to move as far away as possible and have as little contact as possible...My DH and I experienced the same and for some stupid reason thought that after years of being away, things would change (his family claimed they had) and that we could attempt to be a family...NO FREAKING WAY IN HELL! As soon as we can, we are moving away...never to come back anywhere near these crazy evil people...the whole time we were away we hardly had any problems...ever since we came back and are closer we are constantly fighting, etc...the only good thing is we BOTH realize that it's these crazy people stressing us out and so we stick it out...since eventually we will be away...
By the way, DH's sister once
By the way, DH's sister once told me when we first started dating and she CLAIMED to like me..."you know, a marriage will NEVER work unless you (ie. me) gets along with the family...if "you" and the family have issues, your DH will ALWAYS take his family's side...because at the end of the day, they ARE his family..." At the time I told her, "yes, I know...been there, done that..." since of course, I didn't realize she would soon do anything possibly to destroy my relationship...11yrs later, SCRE#$%#$% HER...but still, I wish I would've left because the stress it brings to anyone is not worth it...
As a survivor, I can give
As a survivor, I can give you my experience. I too had a SIL (former friend and DH buddy) who turned into a witch when we got married. Before we did, she wanted to control when we did "wait the mandatory 90 waiting period" after his divorce was final. Hell no. We got married the day after BM's birthday, the first feasible date. Alone with two witnesses to minimize drama. This woman is long divorced and DH had been staying with her looking for a job and helping her out when we met.
Right after, she began acting weird and like a witch (she would glare when we were affectionate) and when DH asked her what was wrong, she unloaded on us via drunken email. Then she went to BM and asked her if she was "hurt" by our marriage (this woman filed for divorce, cheated on DH and had a BF already). Then SIL proceeded to trash us to DH's other 2 sisters--one turned her back in public the first time I saw her after the wedding. They are both weak psychos. Then she called DH's best friend and the entire extended family to trash us. I never got my "welcome to the family" party.
It was very confusing and painful but we finally realized that she is jealous, a control freak and a narcissist. We did nothing to hurt anyone, and our wedding and marriage is OUR business, thank you very much.
Three years later and a long distance move, things are "normal". Key was DH telling them off and making it clear that I came first. People siding with their "family" against their spouse is plain wrong, immature and even unscriptural. "leave his family and cleave to his wife." It's all about control, not "love" and "concern" no matter what they claim. And the same witches who pull this would never tolerate that treatment toward their SOs, I can guarantee that!