Long! Sorry!

Background:

My partner has sd7 and sd5 and has been guilty of guilt parenting. We have dd3 and he has favoured his girls, particularly sd5 over ours time after time. We've discussed this, he accepts it and is trying to change it but it's difficult. He left the marriage when ex was pregnant with sd5 and I think that's a big part of why he has a hard time disciplining her and lets her run all over him.

On separation ex got 2/3 or proceeds from the family home (1/3 for her 1/3 for the 2 skids) which she promptly put into an overpriced house at the top of the market which is now worth less than half of what she still owes on it. She also got a ridiculous amount of cs and everything in the house. My partner took the clothes he was wearing and some gold he had purchased before he married her (value about 10k) and got 1/3 the money from the sale of the family home (about $150k). The ex also managed to get his pension signed over entirely to her 2 children with our child excluded from benefiting (approx $500k to be paid on event of his death)

My partner became ill 3 years ago and went on disability. The amount of cs he was required to pay was about 4 times his disability payment. He tried to get it reduced but the courts refused to even look at it because he had assets (his share of money from the sale of the home which he hadn't spent but was saving for us to buy a home). He ended up giving most of that money back to her in the form of cs over the next couple of years and spending some of it on our living expenses when I took a year off after the birth of our child. He went to court 3 more times for a reduction but the judges refused to discuss because he still had assets. When the money was nearly gone he gave me the gold to hold in trust for our child because he knew the ex was going to get everything else and he wanted our child to have something.

When the money ran out and still there was no relief from the courts he ran up his visa 15k to pay cs. I was back at work at this point and when he couldn't run the visa up anymore I started paying cs but she was so horrible to me at every turn that I finally said no more. For the last 6 months he has paid cs regularly, but he has paid about half of the court ordered amount (which is still way more than the national average).

Incidentally, she never spent the cs on the kids at all. She wears new, expensive clothing, bought herself a new car, had her entire house completely refitted - even though it was losing value at a rate higher than what she was spending on it while her kids wear the most awful, worn out, ill fitting, torn hand-me-down rags imaginable.

Due to illness he only works 3 days a week now so he's off disability but his income is low. The amount of cs he pays now is about half of his salary so I pay nearly all the bills and expenses.

A month ago ex took him to court to try to get the gold but the judge tossed it out of court. At the same time his cs was reduced drastically. She was so pissed off she started shouting at him in the court and the judge had to tell her to shut up. She immediately declared that he could no longer see his children 'until other matters are clarified', meaning obviously, until I hand over the gold. I WILL NOT!!

Anyway, to get to the point of this blog, the skids haven't been around for a month and life has been SO MUCH more peaceful. When they are here things are so tense, my partner is on eggshells trying to make sure he doesn't favour them (he's trying - bless his heart) and they are spoiled, helpless, clingy, demanding...not much fun most of the time, mostly due to PAS from the mother. I can honestly say that I am delighted that she's not letting them come around. I don't hate them and I WILL miss them eventually but I don't yet and I think the break from them is good for us and for our relationship which has become quite strained due to the problems with his ex and her over the top hostile-aggressive parenting. Everything with this woman is high-drama and she's as fake as a 3$ bill. When they are here things are SO tense because of his guilt parenting which I see as favouritism. He doesn't really miss them yet either (although he'd probably never admit that) and it's clear from his reaction (but not his words) that he too is enjoying the break from the tension.

I'm thinking that this would be a good opportunity to try to drive home the point that he parents out of guilt but I know that I have to be VERY careful how I broach this topic with him. I'm an American and much more direct than he is which has been a problem for us in the past so I don't want to take a bulldozer approach which would just push him further into getting defensive about them.

This morning I mentioned that it was more peaceful and that we should use this time (until he can get a court to force her to resume access) to sort out our issues around them. He agreed that things are more peaceful. I then said that I can honestly say that I don't yet miss them but that I know that I will and that I think he feels the same way. He admitted that he feels conflicted about the current situation. I pressed by saying that I don't think he misses them really yet and that he feels guilty about that and is more driven by duty, by the idea that he is SUPPOSED to be freaking out and that if he admits to not wanting them around all the time he's a bad father. He asked me to stop talking like that because maybe that's something he just doesn't want to face.

OK, I know this is delicate and I don't want his skids out of our lives permanently. I just want a healthier approach when they do start coming back. My thought was that if he would face his REAL feelings right now and see that he's driven more by guilt at this particular moment than by a true desire to want to have them here at this very moment that maybe he'd be able to keep that thought and see that by catering to them when they are here that he is guilt parenting rather than doing something that is real and is best for them.

I hope I've explained this properly. Any ideas or suggestions on how I can proceed without giving him the impression that I hate his kids and never want to see them again? I just want him to take a step back and deal with the situation from a REAL perspective with real feelings rather than a guilt-based one.