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Coping Strategies??

Skidmom1's picture

Submitted by Skidmom1 on Tue, 03/30/2010 - 7:50am

I need some advice from fellow stepparents. It seems like when BM starts playing dirty and DH and I both get frustrated by her acts, I'm the one left still feeling angry or frustrated. He gets angry too, but lets it go because he feels like he can't win in situations. I do feel like DH and I are a team, but it drives me crazy with the amount of control that he allows BM to have. I've told DH before that he can't have it both ways with me. I can't be mad when he wants me to be mad, step in and fix things when he needs help, but then not care and be not frustrated because suddenly he's not. How do you do it to maintain your sanity?? Help!!

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Kb3Hooah's picture

Submitted by Kb3Hooah on Tue, 03/30/2010 - 8:06am

This used to happen alot with me. I would still be seething about something BM said or did, then the next day BF would talk to her like nothing ever happened. Not to mention, if BM was angry at BF and I about something, she would let it go with BF, but she'd still be angry at me. Very frustrating.

So I finally decided that I didn't want to hear it when BF complained about her. I told him that it was hard for me to see/hear him get attacked by her and there wasn't anything I could do about it. So there was really no point in me knowing about it, especially if he was just going to let it go while I remained upset. I still listen every now and then, but if it's something that I know I will still be upset about days later, I'll change the subject.
______________________________________
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

folkmom's picture

Submitted by folkmom on Tue, 03/30/2010 - 8:09am

it works! last night i asked BF about SDs grades and had he decided how to approach the school...he responded "BM has that under control." This absolutely meant he had spoken to BM during the day...and before the "no BM speak pact" I would have asked "did you speak to her..?" etc...but instead I replied "oh ok, great." end of subject. no fight. brilliant evening for my and BF altogether:)

Kb3Hooah's picture

Submitted by Kb3Hooah on Tue, 03/30/2010 - 8:09am

Yay!! That's so great to hear Folkmom!! Smile
______________________________________
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

folkmom's picture

Submitted by folkmom on Tue, 03/30/2010 - 8:11am

also note...Sds grades are going to go down the shitter without me being actively involved...oh well. her mom did not even know who her math teacher was! what can you do? she is her mom and if she wants her to never be able to divide...not my issue.

stepmom008's picture

Submitted by stepmom008 on Tue, 03/30/2010 - 8:06am

I'm in therapy for this very thing... I'll let you know when I figure it out!

Honestly, it may be best if he just doesn't tell you anything about BM anymore. Not knowing is the best way to not get pissed.

"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".