Treat you differently...
I just wanted to ask everyone a few questions. Sorta've a poll:
1.) Does your BF/GF, Wife/Husband etc. treat you differently when the skids are there?
2.) How does it make you feel to be treated differently?
3.) Has is really affected your relationship?
4.) Have you ever considered leaving the relationship because of the skids?
5.) Do you & your BF/GF, Wife/Husband fight over BM consistently?
I just wanted to see how everyone else would answer these.
Thanks.
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My dh treats me like the
My dh treats me like the love of a lifetime whether Creature is here or not. He has less time for me when she is here, obviously, but he does a good job of making sure I get some undivided attention.
We used to fight consistently about Wingnut, but after awhile he realized that I would not marry both of them and he stopped allowing her to be a part of our lives. They speak about Creature when necessary (she calls way more often than necessary, but he largely ignores her). She still gets under my skin, but we don't fight about it because he can't control how she behaves. As long as he doesn't give in to her nonsense, I can deal with her ridiculous behavior.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
Thank you for responding.
Thank you for responding. Have you been a stepmom for a long time?
I just don't think it's cut out for me & that I'll ever be able to deal with it. I think some women are just better made for it.
There are just certain things & people that I'm not going to deal with for the rest of my life.
*I know the voices in my head arn't real...But they do have some great ideas!!
DH and I have been together
DH and I have been together for 4 years, married for one. I hate being a sm. I truly hate it, but I love my dh more, I guess. I hate that my schedule is sometimes affected by other people whom I didn't choose to be part of my life. I hate that I sometimes have to take on a parental role when I don't get any of the rewards or good feelings of being a parent. I hate that my dh shells out $3400 per month to another woman. I hate that his ex has something with him that I do not (child). I hate that when Creature has something going on in her life, Wingnut and dh share some sort of connection (joy / pride / whatever) and I feel nothing.
On the other hand, I love that my dh understands me and loves me unconditionally.
I think whether you make it or not is largely dependent on your dh. If he treats you differently when skids are there and if he thinks bm is part of your family or household (For the sake of the kids), then that is a problem.
My dh insists his kid be respectful of me and my relationship with him. He doesn't ignore me or plan our schedule around whether or not Creature is here (if we want to go for a walk and she doesn't, too bad). He doesn't rearrange the custody schedule without asking me. He doesn't expect me to do much for his kid and realizes she is not my responsibility. He doesn't expect me to love her, he just asks that I show her respect. He disciplines and allows me to do so. We agree on rules and consequences. He defends me to the inlaws. He doesn't allow Wingnut to interfere in our world. He doesn't take orders from her or allow her to control how we parent his daughter when she is with us. He doesn't cave to her ridiculous demands. He doesn't give her any money in addition to what is court ordered. He has made it clear to her that I am his wife and that she is nothing other than his child's mother. She isn't allowed near our home, much less in it. We don't plan outings with her for the sake of the kid.
I don't know your whole story, but I don't think I am cut out to be a sm either. I do think that my dh makes it worth it to be married to a man with a child. I don't really function as a "sm". I do very little for or with Creature.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
I wish my bf was 1/2 as
I wish my bf was 1/2 as understanding as ur DH seems to be. He obviously knows that there are to be boundaries for everyone's sake and that trying to force you to love someone is the wrong way to go, ur lucky.
Thank you Victoria. I am
Thank you Victoria. I am very lucky, but it was a learning process for my dh. He started out thinking that the world stopped when Creature was with us and that he had to keep Wingnut happy in order to see his kid. He's come a long way.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
this is a huge issue for dh
this is a huge issue for dh and i...not so much lately, but we fight and he tells me, i cant control her! its been hard trying to step back and not be angry because in fact he cant control her, but for some reason its like i expect him to because its his fault she is in our life.
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1.) Does your BF/GF,
1.) Does your BF/GF, Wife/Husband etc. treat you differently when the skids are there?
No, DH treats me the same no matter who is around. In fact... it is possible that he is a little more affectionate, because the kids are at the "ewwwweeeee, they are kissing" stage, and he thinks it's funny.
2.) How does it make you feel to be treated differently?
Doesn't apply
3.) Has is really affected your relationship?
Doesn't apply
4.) Have you ever considered leaving the relationship because of the skids?
NO, the kids have however been a reason to keep up the good fight. We both love our family... as blended as it
is!
5.) Do you & your BF/GF, Wife/Husband fight over BM consistently?
We used to. I have learned over the years that I can't change her... and me harping on DH to try to change her doesn't work either. She is who she is, and I get to deal with it. HOW I deal with it is key... she has been evicted from renting space in my head!
DISbelief~
~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~
DISbelief...I love that "she
DISbelief...I love that "she has been evicted from renting space in my head" Bravo to you!!
*I know the voices in my head arn't real...But they do have some great ideas!!
Just like any other
Just like any other eviction... it took time. Didn't happen over night, but what a relief once I got control back over MY thoughts!! Phew... what a stressful tenant!
DISbelief~
~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~
I really wish that I could
I really wish that I could do this. Any pointers??
Honestly, the first step is
Honestly, the first step is understanding that there is NO WAY on earth to change her. And trying is a waste of your energy. I dunno, once I figured that out, it was easier to let things go. If I KNEW she would change (and there are things that I have put effort in to with BM, IF I truly believed she would change, and I am usually right) then it is worth my time... if not then what is the point? It just makes me angry, and who wants to live angry? Especially over someone that just really has no clue in life. Besides, I find it far more entertaining watching her dig her own grave. (that was not me wishing death on her, that was a metophor) Talking sense in to her is like spinning my wheels. I have better things to do, and I bet you do too! I learned much of this from Colorado Girl on this site. She helped me let go. She smacked me silly when I was posting frustrations over things that are "not that big of a deal"... and things that I have no control over. BM thinks she is a good mom... who am I to tell her she is not one? I do things different than she does, and that is just the plain and simple fact of it. I can't MAKE her do things my way in her home. Just like she can't make me do things her way. Now that I have a grasp on that, I just sit back and watch her self destruct. DH can't stop her, I can't stop her and until DH is ready to make the court stop her, there is nothing I can do about her crazy behavior!
DISbelief~
~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~
Hey there Stepmom1966... how
Hey there Stepmom1966... how are you?
1.) My DH doesn’t treat me different in any way when the skids are around… I guess the only time we’re on “good behavior” (not being all touchy feely or overly cute with each other) is when Mother Russia is around… and then it’s only out of a kind of respect. Not rubbing it in her face and all of that…
2.) If he DID treat me differently in front of the skids I would have a MAJOR problem with it. I may be his 3rd wife but I’m always to come 1st in his actions. (As he is in mine!) I think that’s the only way that the skids can appreciate the unit of their parent to their step parent… seeing their natural feelings and actions uncensored.
3.) Darn tootin… it would have an affect on the relationship! Why hide or change how you treat the person you’re supposed to be partners with?
4.) I’ve never considered leaving… I’ve stopped and yanked at my hair in frustration wondering how I found myself in the step parenting situation! But then I look at my husband and every question melts away… I’d have 10 BM’s milling around my doorstep to be with this man!
5.) We don’t fight so much as commiserate over Mother Russia. He is actually infinitely more hostile over her than I am. She’ll shoot him a look that will push him into the red for a week while I just see a lonely girl finding her place in this crazy situation. We bitch and moan about her antics (even have a made up theme song for her with lyrics sung in a mock Russian accent that change daily!) but I can honestly say we’ve never “fought” over her. My advice as “the other mother”… take a step back, know that YOU are with the man and that he loves you above all and simply has to “deal” with this woman and respect her as his children’s mother… and let the rest slide. Be the bigger person.
(And make up a theme song!!!
It’s a real tension breaker!!!)
1.) Does your BF/GF,
1.) Does your BF/GF, Wife/Husband etc. treat you differently when the skids are there?
-- yes and no. He still shows me love, affection, etc., however when it doesn't involve the kids, he supports me 1000%. When it comes to the kids and my feelings regarding the kids, I'm totally on my own.
2.) How does it make you feel to be treated differently?
--Of course. Although sometimes I feel like I'm sort of part of the family, I often feel VERY left out, like a stranger in my own house/family, and that I am only loved conditionally.
3.) Has is really affected your relationship?
--yes.
4.) Have you ever considered leaving the relationship because of the skids?
--not so much directly because of the kids, but because of how my husband handles them (or doesn't)
5.) Do you & your BF/GF, Wife/Husband fight over BM consistently?
--no. sometimes in the beginning, but very rarely now. we've been together for 3 1/2 yrs, married for 2 1/2.
I think it is largely how DH
I think it is largely how DH is. if he's understanding and openminded, then things will be ok. for me, DH gives me EXTRA attention when the kids are around because he doesn't want me to feel left out. in fact I have had to make myself step back and let the skids have attention because they don't get to see him every day and i do. there are many things that could make your life hell: BM, rude skids etc. but as long as DH backs you up and helps work through the frustrations sometimes, then it makes it worth it. I'm confident that 1) i will one day have a child of my own and experience this unconditional love that DH feels for his kids and 2) that I will one day have a great, strong relationship with skids. if you've got a great man, don't pass it up. if he's not so great, then you will be working twice as hard.
Yes and No.....Yes he is
Yes and No.....Yes he is more stress so he might snap at me and then say sorry this kid has me crazy......and no he is the same pretty much gives me the 1st choice even if we end up doing what ss13 wants in order to have a less stressful time...
1.) Does your BF/GF,
1.) Does your BF/GF, Wife/Husband etc. treat you differently when the skids are there?
No, he used to. He used to be so grumpy when she was over. But for the last 2 yrs he has been exactly the same.
2.) How does it make you feel to be treated differently?
When he used to do it I felt like he was giving her a false impression of our relationship and home life. Since she comes over just EOW it would be such a toxic enviroment when she was there and normal family without her. I wanted her to be apart of us but felt like he was making it impossible--it was frustrating. I am happy things are different now, everyone is happier.
3.) Has is really affected your relationship?
I didn't let it. I just ignored him the best I could. When she left he was back to normal and so were we.
4.) Have you ever considered leaving the relationship because of the skids?
Of course. My SD is a strain on my sanity at times. She used to be so horrible to me I didn't know what to do. Not to mention the financial strain of paying a large amount of CS....
But she is much better now, DH is much better now, and I have learned to disengage just the right amount (for me). I took us 5 yrs to get to that point but the last 2 yrs have been AMAZING. Still difficult financially but the rest isn't a blip on my radar.
5.) Do you & your BF/GF, Wife/Husband fight over BM consistently?
No we never did. SDs BM certainly seemed to try and cause trouble for a couple of years (over lies SD told) but we never fought over her or SD. My DH is not a guilt dad, if we had issues with SD or BM it was issues with THEM not between us. We made a pack before marriage that SD and BM are NOT to come between us. Our marriage comes first, always. Our kids second, SD third (since we have her just EOW). It has worked for us.
1.) Does your BF/GF,
1.) Does your BF/GF, Wife/Husband etc. treat you differently when the skids are there?
----------> I used to feel this way, not often, but when I talk to BF about it, he usually points out examples of how he's acted/behaved the same way as he always does. Then I realize I'm just over analyzing.
2.) How does it make you feel to be treated differently?
------------> It would make me feel like I was an outsider in my home, like I wasn't part of *his* family, or that he was too scared to show me any attention while they were here otherwise they would get jealous.
3.) Has is really affected your relationship?
------------> No, most of the time I'm too busy to even notice or too wrapped up in doing my own thing, but when I do...see answer to #1.
4.) Have you ever considered leaving the relationship because of the skids?
------------> No
5.) Do you & your BF/GF, Wife/Husband fight over BM consistently?
------------> It has it's cycles...but overall it's ALOT better than it used to be.
______________________________________
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
1.) Does your BF/GF,
1.) Does your BF/GF, Wife/Husband etc. treat you differently when the skids are there?
Yep he sleeps with ss, and not in the bed with me when he is there, this wouldnt be such a big deal but since we have confliciting schedules we only get to lay down together for a full night once a week so it bothers me a lil bit. He also only talks to me about ss problems or issues.
2.) How does it make you feel to be treated differently?
Irriated, annoyed, frustrated, and confused like y would u act so differently when a kid is around I
dont do that with my son and hes there all the time.
3.) Has is really affected your relationship?
It has caused a lot of tension...I have totally disengaged.
4.) Have you ever considered leaving the relationship because of the skids?
Yes and if I had the financial means to do so I 90% would have.
5.) Do you & your BF/GF, Wife/Husband fight over BM consistently.
No the drama isnt w/ her as much as it is in how he babies ss and how im always wrong when I have anything to say.
VitoriaE, Thank you for
VitoriaE,
Thank you for responding. When the skids are there everything changes & I do feel like I'm a stranger in my own house. None of my rules or anything about my daily life apply. It's as tho the enemy has taken over. I have absolutely no privacy. Our whole lives change. I feel detached, resentful & hateful. My FH spends no time with me at all when they're there. I barely see him. He stays with them til long after they're asleep. It has caused so much tension. I am considering leaving the relationship because I can't live the rest of my life this way & they're not growing up fast enough for me. The BM drama is tenfold with me because there are 2 BM's...I just didn't have a clue what I was getting myself into. Thanks again.
*I know the voices in my head arn't real...But they do have some great ideas!!
oh my gosh I don't know how
oh my gosh I don't know how you deal with that. No matter what excuse he uses or blame he tries to put on you, know that he should not be sleeping in bed with SS when he stays. Every once and a while we all sleep with our kids, but for other reasons. Like the kids are sick, DH (SM)is away on biz etc. But him doing this everytime SS is over is a no no. The only person that would agree with him is the childs BM becuz she knows it will ruin any future relationship with another woman.
His mind set will never change, it is you that has to either change or move on. Really think about what is happening, it is likely to be that way for the remainder of the relationship.
(((hugs)))
He doesn't really treat me
He doesn't really treat me differently but that is a hard call because his daughter is always there. On the rare occasion when his daughter is not there, we talk a lot more and have a great time just doing our thing because when she is there, she demands 100% of his attention.