Wow. Lots going on here, huh? I just wanted to say hi to everyone. I check in on the girls about once a week, and am sorry I don't get to be part of the site anymore. But also, I can see some of the emotional havoc that has been on lately. I truly hope that everyone is alright and finding strength when and where they need it.

As for me... I am up and down.

I started a new job March 1st. This job is NOT related to my field in any way shape or form. For anyone that knows my story - my husband is traveling with a show and is gone for weeks/months at a time. That's my field. I am a "roadie". And I gave that up (temporarily) because SD could no longer thrive or even survive living with her mom. My husband and I knew that we would no longer be able to tour together, we would have to "tag-team" it and one of us would stay home while the other would go on the road. As it turned out, my husband got a fantastic touring opportunity and neither he, nor I, could let it pass. So ...he is on the road... and I am home.

I took a job for a financial company that is sooo far removed from the way I have lived my life for the past 20 years that I am going through major adjustments and emotional upheaval. First of all.. there is no music at all in the workplace. I worked for radio for 10 years and then toured with bands and shows for 10 years after. And now I am working in a corporate QUIET business casual atmosphere. 8a - 5p .. Business casual.... no swearing and no dirty jokes!! They can read my email and I cannot access outside web sites such as this during the day! This is the quietest job I have ever had. It's like working in a tight-attitude library!! EEEK! Then come home and make dinner for SD... take her to her doctor's appointments.... and do all the "mom" stuff. The reason I took this job is it pays very decent ... and (b) it's TEMPORARY!!! So I only have to do this for the next 4-5 months.... (at least, that's the plan).

DH is wonderful... and completely gets what this is doing to me emotionally. He has offered to try to get off his job, so I can tour again, but his is so good, that I am not ready for us to give up that opportunity yet. So... I have to suck it up for now. DH has said to me so many times that he realizes this is "not what I signed up for". I so appreciate that he acknowledges all of the changes that we have dealt with together. I truly am blessed to have him.

The sacrifices are a lot. My career (which I feel further and further from each day, with the hope that DH and I can tour together again when SD goes to college next year).... a huge financial hit because I am not making the money at home as I would on the road.... and being able to see my husband every day (which we did when we toured together, but not when I was on the road and he was home so I really can't count that one).

We are doing it all so SD grows up healthier and happier. And truth be told... we ARE seeing the fruits of our labor. She is making new friends. She is in the school plays. She is taking field trips and WANTS to go!! She is progressing (very very slowly) in therapy. She has plans for a better future. This is what DH and I are focusing on.

Also, BM finally signed the revised Divorce Agreement, agreeing to child support - albeit at about $80 less total per month than what she should owe legally. She has not paid anything yet... but we are getting the papers filed. It was one of the things DH had to take care of during his week at home... which sucked.

DH's mom has been picking on me lately about not "cooking" well enough. And how I don't "really cook"... Which pissed me off for a long time. Uhhhhh I am taking care of your granddaughter and making her dinner every night.... so I don't want to hear any shit at all about whether you think I am a good cook enough or not.

I have to say, that when I am dressed for work - and not feeling comfortable...and am not used to the 8-5 thing... and am missing my husband... and hear him missing me too... and feeling our financial struggles .... when I am feeling caged.. and really missing my career - because it is what I have wanted to do before I even knew what it was... It sounds so corny, but I feel like I have a gypsy heart and it is being boxed up right now.

I know that some of you may think... "Why?" "Why do it?" "Are you playing the martyr?" And I can say it's because DH and I are handling things together. I am lucky that he is willing to forgo a great opportunity so that I can be a gypsy again. The fact that he is willing to do so, is what gives me the strength to not need it so much. If that makes any sense. We have a goal together. We have a plan together. We need to get through this next year and then hopefully things will straighten out. It's definitely a gamble. And I am afraid things won't work out as we hope. But I can't live in fear of "what if it doesn't turn out that way??" Can I? No. It doesn't stop my fear. But I won't let that rule me.

And I can completely see how some of us can get bitter and angry and lost in the anger and the blame. For so long, I was so completely bitter and angry toward BM.... and toward SD. And even now, when I come home some nights, and I am feeling tired and just sad... I cringe at the thought of putting on a happy face for SD and making her dinner and listening to her day... while I feel like I am dying inside. And I struggle with letting DH know while he is so far away from home. So far, I have told him how I felt, so I am not keeping it from him. But it doesn't help either one of us I think, sometimes.

What I think I have come to understand is the answer though to "who's fault is all of this?" And the truthful answer - at least as I believe it ...is NO ONE'S.

It's certainly not mine. I am just trying to keep up.

It's not SD's. She doesn't want to be a needy, emotionally struggling teenager. She WANTS a better life for herself. She is trying. She doesn't understand that she needs to grow up a bit , or maybe she does. Since our relationship is good, I think I have it easier than many of you. But understand.... it's not for lack of BM or BM's family trying to get this kid not to feel the way she does. They have tried PASing her. And I had to overcome being dad's "attention-grabber" away from her too. I am lucky that DH doesn't hesitate to let SD be aware of some of my personal sacrifices and tell her to "behave" toward me.

It's not my DH's fault. He doesn't want this life for me, or for us. He wants the best life for his daughter and that's okay with me. And I know he wishes that BM and SD would be happier together. He has done / is doing the best he can. I think our SO's are easy targets for our anger and bitterness because IF they would just (fill in the blank), things would be better. But what I feel we need to realize is that for the most part, I think our SO;s are doing the best they can, the best they know how. And we need to help them do better, but also to help ourselves realize that maybe our way isn't always better either.

And lastly..... BM. Sure, it would be so easy to blame her. If she was a better, truer mom to her daughter, I could have my life. I could be on the road. Yeah, we would be paying her child support. But SD would have her mom in her life. I feel anger toward BM. And I feel disgust. But my bitterness has waned. Instead, I feel more empathy. She has lost her husband. And now, she has almost lost her daughter. We did get child support filed, but she has not paid yet. I am not happy with BM. But I don't know if letting anger or bitterness or whatever it would be consume me would help me get further along. I don't think it would help me at all right now. I think it would make me more miserable if I LET my anger toward her be more pronounced in myself.

So.... I am living my life as "it is what it is" for now. It's not anyone's fault... or maybe it's ALL OF OUR doing. We all play our own part. I am not completely "happy"..... but I am sure as hell not letting myself give in to all the negativity that I could. All I know is that everything is changeable. And yeah, things may not be what "I signed up for".... but eventually I think, I HOPE they will be. My goal is to grow old with my husband.

Hope this all makes sense. And I miss talking to you ladies all day!