I think throwing pizza puts it in the "what was I thinking" category. I WAS married to a food/remote/furniture thrower. Tantrums are juvenile, scary and destructive, at least for me.

I read this article on MSN this morning. I love MSN.com...keeps me informed ;-P

1. Are you exaggerating the negatives? For the next two months mark the good and bad days on your calendar to get a reality check.
~~~I will have to start doing this...report back in two months:)

2. Have you already left the marriage by emotionally withdrawing? Or by giving up all attempts to make the relationship better? If so, can you find a way to reengage?
~~~I have emotionally withdrawn...A LOT. No clue how to reengage.
3. Do you get so angry that you hit each other or throw things at least once a month? If the answer is yes, are you hanging on to a terrible relationship because you're afraid of being alone? Or because you're convinced it's the best you can do?
~~~NO! NEVER
4. If you're frustrated because your husband won't change (you'd like him to be more forceful or manly, for example), is it really necessary that he does? Is there anything in your family history that may be driving your need to transform him? (For example, perhaps your father never stood up for you when you needed him to do so.)
~~~hmmm...my father was never around to protect me from my stepfather...I think I need therapy!

5. Have you been teaching your husband the wrong lessons by not challenging his hurtful behavior? (You don't say anything when he criticizes you in public. He never washes the dishes, so you just do them, resentfully.)
~~~I'm the suffer in silence girl...about many things. I stand up for myself a lot but there's also a lot I let go. I can never find a happy medium there.

6. Do you have fun together? Even when things are tough, do you make jokes about it? (A good sign.) If not, can you make time in your marriage for more play?
~~~We joke too much. there's never any deep,serious moments anymore..it's like one big giant fratboy/sorority girl friendship...

7. Are there conflicts that you've avoided in the relationship? What do you fear would happen if you confronted them?
~~~We talk them to death but nothing seems resolved...so we ignore it.

8. Do you simply need more time alone? A weekend on your own every so often to make the heart grow fonder?
~~~I'd need an entire year away from him to make me realize what I've got.

9. Has something occurred — a death, a big birthday, a job loss — that's throwing off your relationship and needs to be addressed?
~~~not that i'm aware of...

10. Have you done everything you possibly can to make this marriage work? Are you certain he has heard your complaints? Have you tried a marriage-education class or couples therapy? If he won't go to counseling, have you gone yourself to see how you might save the relationship?

We've tried therapy...we quit. Both people are so emotionally traumatized and we keep things so shallow lately...it's hard to get either one of us to dig deep and rip out the raw emotion anymore. I left a few messages for some therapists just for myself. I'd rather Dh just stay out of it til I can work on my own issues...at least I can say I tried to fix that parts of the marriage that I was screwing up.

Cool article BB. I gotta get my secret journal to keep for 2months. I'll be interested to see what I've got in 2 months.

"Venting without the desire to look within and improve your situation is simply venting to hear yourself bitch."

..."I'm not mean, you're just a sissy."

"If they sold clues at Walmart,I'd be first in line to get one for DH" ~the lovely Jbee~

Good article... this one cracked me up:
3. Do you get so angry that you hit each other or throw things at least once a month?

"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".

I just got finished reading that article, great idea on posting it here. I thought about it and I don't really get if you are supposed to answer "Yes" or "No" to those questions. Are they saying if you hit each other once a month your marriage is good enough because it's not twice? Or that it's not 'good enough'. I'm assuming it means hitting is bad, but I've read stranger things.

I definitely tell myself things like this all the time though; my marriage is not perfect, and never will be, but it's also healthy. I think our society tends to focus on passionate romantic love all the time, like "Twilight" and movies like "The Notebook". Yes I love my chick flicks but sometimes I have to slap myself and realize that it's not real! Sometimes I see people that seem to have a passionate 'hot' relationship and are madly in love, and the cynic in me tells me that they are the ones hitting each other once a month.

Thanks for the post!

1. Are you exaggerating the negatives? For the next two months mark the good and bad days on your calendar to get a reality check.

------------> I exaggerate the negatives at times, usually when I'm actually *in* the situation, after some time passes and I cool off, I see that it wasn't so bad to begin with and I clearly over reacted. But it would be kind of neat to mark the calendar to actually 'see' it.

2. Have you already left the marriage by emotionally withdrawing? Or by giving up all attempts to make the relationship better? If so, can you find a way to reengage?

--------------> No, haven't withdrawn with BF. I did with my Ex, with good reason, but when I got to that point of emotionally withdrawing (didn't even realize it), for me there was no going back. I didn't know how to get back and wasn't sure that I even wanted to. Hopefully if it happens again, I will realize it and be able to effectively reengage.

3. Do you get so angry that you hit each other or throw things at least once a month? If the answer is yes, are you hanging on to a terrible relationship because you're afraid of being alone? Or because you're convinced it's the best you can do?

--------> Every.single.day...joking! I do have a bit of a temper, my Ex had a temper as well so we were constantly butting heads and the arguments would escalate way out of control. Thank goodness BF is more laid back and will not engage in confrontations like that. With his refusal to engage, it leaves me without the fuel to continue. Such a blessing!

4. If you're frustrated because your husband won't change (you'd like him to be more forceful or manly, for example), is it really necessary that he does? Is there anything in your family history that may be driving your need to transform him? (For example, perhaps your father never stood up for you when you needed him to do so.)

------------> BF's lack of affection comes to mind. After going to the counselor I realized this very thing (#4). I asked myself was it something I absolutely had to have, or was it just the challenge to get it that I was seeking? My Ex was overly affectionate and I add that to the list of many things that drove me away. I definitely don't want that again, so the affection that BF 'does' give, I eat it up, and it's honestly more meaningful that way. It makes me appreciate it more instead of taking it for granted.

5. Have you been teaching your husband the wrong lessons by not challenging his hurtful behavior? (You don't say anything when he criticizes you in public. He never washes the dishes, so you just do them, resentfully.)

------------> Yep. The picking comes to mind with this one. He's a jokester naturally with everyone, he picks b/c to him it's "playful"....and he did this in the beginning of our relationship, but I never said anything b/c my "lust" for him overshadowed this so I thought at the time it didn't really bother me. After the "lust" fades though, things that didn't bother you before becomes a big deal later. When I finally told him that it was hurtful, I think he felt like I was just nagging him b/c afterall, it never bothered me before. After going to the counselor though, he finally "listened" to me, and understood that it really bothered me and it's been better ever since!

6. Do you have fun together? Even when things are tough, do you make jokes about it? (A good sign.) If not, can you make time in your marriage for more play?

-------------> BF makes jokes about it sometimes and I laugh, which is nice because it lightens the mood and it helps us get over the tough times faster. We do have fun together when we can find things to do together that we both enjoy. This is tough though, we really need to find more things that we can do together that we have fun doing.

7. Are there conflicts that you've avoided in the relationship? What do you fear would happen if you confronted them?

-------------> Kid/Skid conflicts that I've avoided, I feared confronting them b/c I knew BF wouldn't be receptive. I decided that I can't sweep it under the rug anymore so hopefully I will soon find some resolution to this.

8. Do you simply need more time alone? A weekend on your own every so often to make the heart grow fonder?

---------------> I'm actually enjoying my alone time as we speak for the next 3days. BF is on a Field Trip with SS. It's nice, but I miss him the most when it's bed time. Now I just need to learn to go off without him, and leave him to miss me

9. Has something occurred — a death, a big birthday, a job loss — that's throwing off your relationship and needs to be addressed?

-----------> No, not at the moment. My Mother passed away a few years ago, but we got thru it, BF was really supportive and was there for whatever I needed. I do however worry about BM's Dad passing away..and how that might effect mine and BF's relationship. Although it shouldn't, I just worry about BM leaning on BF for support. Or using the kids as a way to get support from him for "them" as a whole.

10. Have you done everything you possibly can to make this marriage work? Are you certain he has heard your complaints? Have you tried a marriage-education class or couples therapy? If he won't go to counseling, have you gone yourself to see how you might save the relationship?

------------> Yes to all except the marriage-education class.

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”