seconds away from a nervous breakdown
I cant concentrate I cant focus. I have been on medication for over 13 days b.c I am so sick. I have breathing problems. My husband thinks its a joke and only cares that I can not work b/c I am not making money. I went from asthma to pneumonia to now some kind of yeast infection in my mouth due to all the steroids and antibiotics. I asked him this afternoon to go get me something to eat b/c its friday and I cant eat meat. he said no because he was leaving in a half hr and going to get the taxes done. Then when he needed me to sign papers he came and got me and then we had to go eat because he was hungry. Then when I asked him to go get a rx my doc called in at the store 5 mins away he was resting before he went to bowling and I wasnt sick anymore so I should go. I came home and he said no fish fry? so I told him I only had like 13 bucks and I wasnt going back out. He took my money went and got food. Then because I asked for my fork back he used it to cut a pc of fish in half he had two but he was only going to save a half a pc for HIS daughter. He threw the fork at my dish. So I am very unstable because of being on steroids for almost 2 whole wks. I threw it back. He didnt even care that my food was on the floor. He didnt call his daughter down the street and tell her to come home, he sat his ass down and ate his food. Then he left for bowling and didnt even call his daughter to tell her there was food for her. I then called my mom and she is made because I am volunteering for a pto bingo on fri. and with me being so sick its foolish. I am not going to back out of it because of sickness. I dont think its fair to the kids. Plus I found that one of the walls in our home is damaged from water due to so much snow and ice in our area. I am on xanax to counter act the hormones of all the other meds and even that isnt working now. The only thing I can think about isthat I want to cut my wrist open and be done with it. I really and truely can see it clearly in my mind. The only thing keeping me from doing it is my SD coming home. Her mom is not around and I am the only mom she knows. I can not take this life anymore but I dont know how I can leave. the car is in his name, the house is in his name and the taxes we filed today were join and are getting direct deposited into his acct. I have a little over 300 saved and I dont know what I would do or where I would go. My mom smokes and I have asthma soo bad anymore I could never live with her. Plus I am 30 yrs old I dont want to have to live with my mommy again. I am suppost to be moving forward not back. And I hate to get a divorce because I dont want to let God down. I dont know what to do anymore. I know this isnt directly about a stepchild but a lot of my home problems are and its just to a tip and I didnt know whoelse to talk to.... thank you for listening and I am sorry for being so intense and such a downer
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Deep breath no pun intended.
Deep breath no pun intended. You NEED to talk to someone and SOON. You are going through a lot of stress and it's taking it's toll. I'd be pissed if I were you too with what your wrote but I don't like that you are feeling that you want to slit your wrists. I hope you are not joking because if you are it isn't funny, atleast not to me. Can your mom help you? Do you have family close by? I hate to say this but your SD is not your greatest concern at the moment and her father needs to be forced to take the role of taking care of HIS daughter while you are not feeling well. I've been through the car being in his name and other stuff. If you leave it won't be easy but God will provide a way. I did it almost 20 years ago and I'd do it again if need be. Possessions can be replaced. Your sanity can't. I see your mom smokes and you have asthma is there anyway she can smoke outside or in only one room with the window open for a short period of time to get you back where you need to be?
Wow honey, take a minute and
Wow honey, take a minute and try to stay calm. It's ok that you're feeling bad, sounds like you have some good reasons. have you guys been to a therapist together? Sounds like you've got all kinds of stuff going on and I'd even venture to say it sounds abusive in your marriage...not physically but emotionally.
DO NOT cut your wrists. it will solve nothing and it will hurt the people who love you. Besides, and I hate to be callous, i was a wrist cutter and never died from it(obviously) but I DID mess up the nerves in my hands and have a lot of circulatory problems from it now so it's NOT a good idea for MANY reasons including the nerve damage and psychological damage that comes from suicide attempts that don't go as planned. just don't mess with that stuff honey. There is ALWAYS another option besides that. no matter how hopeless it seems, there is always a better way than just ending it.
I think you need to hang tight til your physical health is back on track THEN you need to work on your emotional health and get yourself to a better mind set. going into autopilot til your illness passes might not be such a bad idea for you. just until you're strong enough to deal with the stresses being thrown at you.
hang in there honey...we're all here if you need to talk more.
"Venting without the desire to look within and improve your situation is simply venting to hear yourself bitch."
..."I'm not mean, you're just a sissy."
"If they sold clues at Walmart,I'd be first in line to get one for DH" ~the lovely Jbee~
Blindsided, are you still
Blindsided, are you still online??? Just please read what we are saying...don't act on your raw feelings right now, you will regret it...just stay nice and calm...hope you're reading...i'm sorry i didn't catch this post sooner.
Venting without the desire to look within and improve your situation is simply venting to hear yourself bitch."
..."I'm not mean, you're just a sissy."
"If they sold clues at Walmart,I'd be first in line to get one for DH" ~the lovely Jbee~
I am still here. I called a
I am still here. I called a friend. I know that taking my life is not the answer but sometimes it just seems like it would be so much easier. I just typed a whole comment and i hit preview and not post and lost the whole thing. short version my 8.5 yr old SD just came down to tell me she was ready for bed. in pjs and everything. i asked herwhen the last time was she took a shower. she shrugged and told me she didnt know. I said dont you think that is discusting? she looked at me like I was a freakin retard and didnt say anything I told her to just go to bed and get away from me. I mean every frekin day for the last 4 yrs I have told this child to get a shower before bed. she knows this. He leaves and goes bowling and I have to deal with this shit. and if i tell him about it he is going to say i should have made her take a shower. NO!! I shouldnt have. shes not a freakin idiot she gets straight A's high A's and you are going to tell me that I have to tell a child that is almost 9 to take a shower when she has been doing it on her own since she was 5!!!! I am calling a therapist tomorrow hopefully I cant go talk to them without a lot of money because I dont have it. I just cant take it anymore. I am calmer I did take some xanax (right doze) the doc gave me I greatly appreciate everyone taking time to read my thoughts and care enough to help guide me and suggest things to me. When you feel totally alone in a really F'ed up world its nice to know there are good hearted ppl out there that care. even when it makes you feel shitty those ppl care more about you than the person that stood in front of God and said in sickness and in health.
I'm glad you talked to
I'm glad you talked to someone...that is the smart thing to do. I hope you are able to get some time in w a therapist somehow...it might be helpful for your husband to go also. I hope you have a peaceful night hon' *************** ****"Venting without the desire to look within and improve your situation is simply venting to hear yourself bitch."
..."I'm not mean, you're just a sissy."
"If they sold clues at Walmart,I'd be first in line to get one for DH" ~the lovely Jbee~
God bless you honey - I know
God bless you honey - I know sometimes when I don't feel good physically or am so tired it is a lot easier to think bad and hopeless thoughts. Maybe if you try to get a good nights rest you will feel slightly better? Your DH is just being an ass, but it is not worth your life honey.
p.s. God does understand about divorce, not that I am suggesting that - but please take that off your list of worries, he understands all
HHHHHHUUUUUGGGGGSSSS honey. Remember Scarlett saying, 'After all - tomorrow is another day!' for things to get better for you. Oh and p.s. sometimes one drink helps to cut stress unless that is bad for your health conditions.
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“Learn by practice.” - Martha Graham
I know how you feel. I have
I know how you feel. I have been ill for the past three months and on all kinds of meds. That in itself is extremely stressful and when you don't have the support you deserve it is hard. You are not alone! I know things are tough, but they will get better. What goes up must come down and vise a versa. I have been seeing a counselor to help me deal with the stress of this whole step parenting stuff. I finally got to the core of my anger today and I don't know what to do with all the anger I have been feeling today since my session. I have been keeping it bottled up and I finally boiled over tonight. Gist of it is I am pissed off at BM and my boyfriend. They are not taking ownership of their actions or feelings and I am left to deal with all the mess. I am plain sick and tired of it. I'm sick of feeling like his ex-wife and daughter come before me. I'm sick of feeling like my life has to revolve around them. If he wants his life to revolve around them then he needs to be with BM not me! Crying and screaming brings me no relief anymore and I don't know what to do with the emotions I am having and the feelings of resentment and anger I have. It is a very lonely feeling, but I now have found support on here. I know I got off topic but, just know that we are all here to support one another and you are not alone! This site has been a god send to me. I would be a complete wreck, even more than I am now, if it weren't for it.
I want to thank everyone for
I want to thank everyone for taking time to care. I am greatful to everyone on here. I am also very greatful to God for helping me find this site when I needed it more than ever. I hope everyone has a wonderful nite and I will be sure to let everyone know what the therapist said. God Bless you all.
Blindsided everyone else has
Blindsided everyone else has had a talk with you regarding your emotions which are largely due to the steroids, I know as a fellow asthmatic and respiratory therapist. Do you have a pulmonary dr? First and foremost take care of the breathing problem so you can then take care of everyone else you are working to support. The PTA, your DH, stepdaughter, your mother, god, etc.etc. The dr should be checking on you on regular basis and the KEY is curing the pneumonia and asthma flareup. Please check in with Dr and take your medicines like you should. Take care of yourself first and then the other will work out the way it should, when you can think through things, without the steroids clouding everything. I know steroids are kick ass for helping you breathe but they sure can be major depressors. So just realize that, keep talking, keep texting and we are all here to support you and care for you. kk
Thank you KK. I really
Thank you KK. I really appreciate you taking the time to write me concerning my health. Its a major downer to be surrounded by ppl that dont understand how hard this whole breathing thing is and even after it is explained by doctors they still dont believe its as bad as they were told. I did go to the doctor today and she gave me flovair to do 2 times a day.She does want me to see a pulmonary doc I just have to be symptom free or someething she said for likea month. Plus she had to give me a mouth rinse b/c being on the steroids and antibiotics for 2 wks I ended up with thrush. So now I have to get over that. But I am keeping my head up. I truely appreciate everyone on here takin time to talk to me and care. God Bless you all.