Forgive me if this is a little long:

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years and he has a 16 year old daughter and a 10 year old son. I don't have any children. They live with their BM and her boyfriend most of the time but my DH has the kids on Tuesday nights and every other weekend. Their BM just had another child with her new boyfriend. My DH splits his time between living with me and staying at his mother's (especially when he has his kids).

Over the Christmas break, the kids were supposed to be with their dad (my DH) from when school was out until Christmas day afternoon. The week before New Year's, their BM said that she was going to be induced, so the kids wanted to come back with their dad in case she went into labour. Long story short, my DH ended up having the kids for an extra 4 days over Christmas.

His daughter just had her 16th birthday a couple of weeks ago. She wanted to be with her dad, so even though they should have been with their BM that weekend, he went and picked the kids up on Saturday. The BM got caught in a lie that morning because she said she lost her mucus plug, but she had told us she lost it 2 weeks previous.

My DH was supposed to come over to my house with the kids on the Sunday. I had made a birthday cake for the SD, bought a present, etc. They were also supposed to bring the kid's uncle (BM's brother)so he could be there to look after them if BM went into labour. Another long story short, things got so messed up because the BM was having contractions and the kids didn't want to go home in case the mom had to go to the hospital.

Finally, my DH had enough of everyone because the kids and I were upset at changing plans every 5 minutes. He decided to take the kids home and go back to his mom's that night so no one won basically.

This weekend, he had the kids again and he told his daughter that he is not going to wait for her to decide anymore (she has been thinking of moving with him for about a year now). This fall, he is going to move on and make decisions for himself. My SD and I don't get along really well (she is a typical teenager and decided she doesn't like me), but I like to think my DH and I talk a lot. We really talked after everything at Christmas and the birthday mix-up.

Yesterday, DH texted me to say he was going to drop the kids off by himself when I usually go with them. He didn't tell me why and when I called to ask, he said he couldn't talk because he "had ears" (SD was listening) and to tell me would undo the psychology he was putting in place with her. He later told me that he was keeping me out of the weekend except for our nightly phone calls to show his daughter that I don't influence his decisions.

Since the kids are considering moving in with DH, I keep trying to integrate but with no success. I feel very left out and I hate not being able to talk to DH openly on the phone when he has the kids at his mom's. I keep trying to tell him that if we don't integrate now it won't happen. Am I being selfish and missing something or am I right that after 3 years things should be smoother? Any advice on how I can get over this hurdle of feeling left out?