Kudos to you nkomo!! Glad things are looking up for you!

"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!

:? So...
Hair, nails and 25 pounds lighter is all ya need huh?
Good writ-tens to ya.
He is probably better off with out you.
So much for better or worse...till death and all that vow stuff...

This whole BS about warning women about Men with kids is crap.
Bottom line is blended families are tough.

It's marriage and the problems X 4...
Do the math. It's that simple.

Happiness is a state of mind. But go on with ya!
The grass is always greener on the other side.

"You go girl mo power to ya... and all that crap."

Can ya tell I don't care or feel the need to understand your circumstances???

ZOIKS!!!!

**I only have one shot at a truly great life and not one spent waiting for a man to notice me, want me, love me and be true to only me. 2010 is the year of "me" **

Jon-Boy I have to say I disagree. Yes, blended families are tough but in MY blended family consisting of 4 children (my 2 kids, DH's one and the one we have together), the only child that doesn't want us to be happily married is DH's daughter. She used to tell my son that we would soon be leaving, lol. We've been together 5 years now and married for 2 1/2. My children don't get away with any disrespect to my DH and they are happy we're together. SD has said repeatly that she hates us (DH included) and she does destroy our property, whine and act like such a brat when she's here. Everything appeared fine until we got married and then after our daughter was born a year ago things took a disasterous turn. BM is very jealous of me, she is alone, overweight and looks like she was hit by the ugly stick. Not to blow my own horn but I am the opposite of these things. MY DH and I have a great relationship and I know she must get reports from SD that we were kissing or holding hands watching a movie or whatever, it seems these are the times that BM comes up with silly little things that I have apparently done to SD. Thank goodness my DH believes me and laughs off her jealous comments.

Edited to add my own personal opinion. If you are a single woman and meet a man with daughters you should RUN.

Good for you. If this is what makes you happy then i am all for it. I know it can be hell especially when you have a hubby who doesnt give youa voice so. CONGRATS!

SD8 likes me for themost part-she says she doesn't want daddy to get another girlfriend. This from a child who along with my own 2 daughters (15 & 5) got told I was not running from anyone. They could suck it up I didn't care how destructive any of them got I was staying. Not that my daughters were acting up but there was something stirred by my own 15yr old in the little ones and I flattened her right quick. it really sucks to lay down the one time around rule, but I have with her. She will leave me one time to move in with her father. Once she figures out that he's not the disney dad she thinks he is she will be back at momma's house rules and all. I say it alot-why is it in my house now-there are 4 of us-me my son and daughters that only 3 of us knows how to behave? Not a reflection on momma anymore-she's 15 and knows exactly what she's doing. Sooooo-that said I hope she has a big enough shovel to dig herself out of her own holes

**I only have one shot at a truly great life and not one spent waiting for a man to notice me, want me, love me and be true to only me. 2010 is the year of "me" **

I wish you the best nokids. I'm sure this wasn't an easy decision to leave your marriage but sometimes that is for the best...only you can know that. May the health and peace you have seemed to find stay with you.

I admit I get pretty pissed off when I read about these types of posts.
Ha! they light me up like a Roman candle!

And I know every situation is different bla bla bla.

But this crushes the foundation of what our whole reason for being here is about.

Miss nokidsofmyown,
comes here admits she was not a very big part of this forum.
Used us for information.
Took this info and quit on her marriage.
Deserted the kids.
And did the nee ner nee ner... sticking out her tongue thing and said, "Oh I am so happy I lost weight and I have long nails and I am so happy... so good bye everyone.

It is just a crock of irresponsible shit to me.
I hope she reads this and moves on like she should and maybe in a few years when the next failed relationship happens, I hope she thinks of that ass hole JonBoy and goes... Hmmm? Maybe I should work on myself and stop destroying other peoples lives.

abandonment is the worst.

Jon Boy / Nokids...

While I can appreciate the stress that you must have been under to lose your hair and gain 25 pounds...

I can also appreciate what Jon-Boy is saying.

The fact of the matter is.... your husband was hospitalized and that's when your relationship fell apart.

How do we know he wasn't having stress related issues as well?

How do we know that the next time you get in a stressful situation, that won't happen to you again?

I am glad that you feel free and have your sanity back, and also feel that your health is back. That is definitely a good thing.

I feel bad for your husband that when he needed his partner, the relationship fell apart.

I can't pretend to know the real circumstances. But this is one of those situations where it's more sad for everyone all the way around.

Jon-Boy - I think your distaste comes from the celebration of a dissolution of marriage? Is that correct?

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

SO VERY SAD...I MUST COMMENT....YOURS AND DOROTHY'S ARE EXCELLENT POSTS.

I WILL ADD A FEW THINGS, MYSELF..OPINIONS ON MARRIAGE AND LIFE. AS I SEE IT.

NO ONE CAN MAKE ANOTHER PERSON HAPPY, AND NO, NO ONE SHOULD SACRIFICE THEIR HEALTHY AND WELFARE FOR ANOTHER. IF A PERSON FEELS THEY'VE DONE THEIR "ALL" AND IT'S CAUSING THEM ISSUES LIKE THE LADY WHO IS LEAVING..ONE CANNOT & SHOULD NOT BLAME HER OR ANYONE ELSE IN A POSITION LIKE THAT.
WE DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHAT WENT ON IN HER LIFE. AND UNTIL WE WALK IN HER SHOES..WE HAVE NO RIGHT TO CONDEME HER OR HER CHOICES. I AM ONE WHO WILL NOT.
MANY MARRIED PEOPLE, MARRY WITHOUT "REALLY" KNOWING WHAT THERE GETTING INTO..THEY "THINK" THEIR IN LOVE, WHEN THEIR REALLY IN LUST OR LOOKING FOR SECURITY.. A VAST MAJORITY ARE NOT "COMPATIBLE" AND NEVER WERE..AND DON'T REALIZE THIS UNTIL THEY STARTED A FAMILY AND FEEL ITS TO LATE TO LEAVE.. OVER TIME THEY REALIZE THAT IT'S NOT GOING TO WORK, OR PEOPLE ARE FORCED TO STAY, ABUSED WOMEN FOR EXAMPLE..MANY ARE KILLED TRYING TO LEAVE ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS.. YEARS AGO PEOPLE STAYED FOR DIFFERENT REASONS,NUMBER ONE, WAS THE CHILDREN. STAYING IN A UNHEALTHY MARRIAGE IS NOT GOOD FOR CHILDREN. THEY'RE BETTER OFF LIVING IN SEPARATE HOMES AND HAVING TWO HAPPY PARENTS , THEN STAYING TOGETHER AND STRESSING CHILDREN AND CAUSING MANY PSYCHIATRIC ILLNESSES AND PTSD. I'VE COUNSELED MANY CHILDREN WHO LIVED IN WAR ZONES, RIGHT IN THE PARENTS HOMES. THE KIDS ARE DAMAGED FOR LIFE NOW. NUMBER TWO MONEY ISSUES.
PEOPLE CHEAT BECAUSE THEIR NOT BEING FULFILLED AND I'M NOT MEANING SEXUALLY, MOST CHEAT EMOTIONALLY FIRST, AND THOSE RELATIONSHIPS, CHANGE INTO A MORE INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP. IN MY EYES, PEOPLE "MOVE" OR GET TO INVOLVED TOO FAST"
I LOVE ST. BUT I WITNESS SEVERE ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS HERE.( READING ABOUT THE LIVES MOST LIVE) AND MANY DON'T EVEN REALIZE THEIR BEING ABUSED IN SOME FORM OR ANOTHER. WHICH IS VERY SAD. WE ALWAYS "THINK" THINGS WILL GET BETTER...MOST OF THE TIME THEY WILL, FOR A SHORT PERIOD, BUT MOST DO NOT IMPROVE..AND ITS BECAUSE YOU, AND THE ONE YOU CHOSE TO LOVE ARE JUST NOT COMPATIBLE AND NEVER WILL BE. SOMETIMES I SEE PEOPLE TREAT STRANGERS, BETTER THEN THEY TREAT THOSE THEY SUPPOSEDLY LOVE.
THINK ABOUT THE WAY YOU TALK TO YOUR so, WOULD YOU TALK THAT WAY TO A STRANGER"NO" BE CAREFUL WITH YOUR WORDS..EMOTIONAL & VERBAL ABUSE IS FAR WORSE THEN A BEATING.AND THAT IS ONE REASON WE HAVE MENTAL ILLNESS, PEOPLE BATTERED SO EMOTIONALLY THEY WILL NEVER RECOVER.
THE FIRST 'RED FLAG'S' THE WAY SOMEONE TALKS TO YOU. "IF" THEY VERBALLY ABUSE YOU..IT'S JUST THE BEGINNING. WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEONE, YOU DON'T TALK ABOUT THEM LIKE THAT OR TOO THEM THAT WAY.
NEVER EVER COMPROMISE YOUR HAPPINESS FOR ANYONE. BECAUSE SOME DAY, YOU WILL LOOK BACK & REGRET LOSING YEARS OF HAPPINESS FOR THE SAKE OF SOMEONE ELSE. PROTECT YOUR SELF AND YOUR CHILDREN.
AND IF YOUR NOT HEALTHY FOR YOUSELF, HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY BE HEALTHY FOR ANOTHER....YOU CAN'T. WE ARE ONLY RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR SELF AND OUR LIVES..“of all the many forms of child abuse, emotional abuse may be the cruelest and longest-lasting of all” because it is “the systematic diminishment of another.”

One of the worst aspects of emotional abuse is its invisibility. Even with physical forms of abuse, it is hard for many people to accept that anything but the clearest and most extreme examples are abuse. They often simply have too much invested in believing that anything less is not abusive, maybe not even harmful. With emotional abuse, there are no physical scars left: there is nothing visibly damaging enough for some people to accept. It is much easier to minimize it, because the moment that the words are out of the abuser’s mouth, they are gone. We can begin immediately to tell ourselves that we deserved it, they didn’t mean it, it didn’t bother us, they are right, or simply to distract ourselves from what is happening.

The concept of freedom of speech, for all its importance to society, can also confuse us. We can understand that someone’s right to move their fist ends where our skin begins, but it is harder to draw that line when the weapon is psychological. Here, then, is a series of examples of emotional abuse, which may also be called psychological or verbal abuse. This is not intended as a comprehensive list: it is only meant to help people understand what emotional abuse looks like. Like art, we may not be able to explain what it is, but we can at least come to know it when we see it.

In a healthy relationship, all parties know where their boundaries are around sharing information. They can explore those boundaries together as they develop mutual trust. If something that one person does not wish to share with another brings up feelings of rage, abandonment, shame, fear, or other issues in either person, they can go to their support system and use healthy tools to distinguish their feelings from the reality of the situation. In an emotionally abusive situation, this situation often instead degenerates into shaming, blaming, accusing, guilt-tripping, and other emotionally abusive responses to those feelings.

Some emotionally abusive ways to deny “the right to know” include hiding letters, bills, or emails that contain information the other person needs to have; refusing to answer questions even with an “I don’t know” or an explanation of the reasons for not answering; talking around an issue or providing a welter of unrelated information so that the other person does not even realize until later that they still do not have an answer to their question; lying or providing misleading information; or changing stories repeatedly, especially when insisting that “this is exactly what I said!”

The right to feel. In a healthy relationship, each person is able to recognize what they are feeling at any given moment and feel it safely. They can talk about it with other trustworthy people. They are able to anticipate and fulfill their own needs. They are able to notice when their needs are not being met, or when old unresolved issues are being triggered for them, and take responsibility for dealing with these matters.

In an emotionally abusive relationship, people expect others to anticipate and fulfill their needs – and if their needs are not fulfilled, things become quite unpleasant. One person may know that they lash out at others when their blood sugar is low, yet routinely ignore hunger signals and mealtimes and take it out on those around them. They may have many triggers from past abuse and react to others unwittingly triggering them as if the others are their abusers; or they may know about the buttons and triggers that other people have, and push them intentionally. They may not even realize what emotions or issues are coming up for them, and simply react by projecting their fears and resentments onto those around them: snapping at them, yelling at them, judging them, picking fights with them, or responding to them with cold anger.

The right to feel is also violated by simply being told how we are feeling, how we are going to feel, or how we should or should not feel. For example: “This is why I didn’t want to tell you! I knew you’d just get mad about it!” “You don’t really hate me.” “Well, don’t get so upset about it!” In an emotionally abusive relationship, nobody’s emotions are safe. Both partners usually have unresolved emotional issues, or there would be no relationship: the person who was being abused would simply set boundaries, discover that they were not being respected, and walk away.

The right to impact. That is, the right to have agency, to have power in our own lives, to make a difference in the world. In a healthy relationship, there is no question: people know who they are, what they want to do, and how they are appreciated by others. They have more than one community of support, and many individual friendships and other positive relationships outside of their romantic lives.

In an emotionally abusive relationship, people often do not feel appreciated. The abusive partner may ridicule, criticize, and insult them. They may criticize presents they give or help they offer, their appearance, or simply everything about them. Most insidiously, they may present this criticism as “jokes” at their partner’s expense, which allows them to claim that it was “just a joke” while involving everyone who laughs in the abuse. They are often drawn into a cycle of trying ever harder to prove that the abuser loves them, while their partner becomes increasingly abusive. The harder they try, the more enmeshed they become, and the less they are able to tell what is and is not abusive.

The members of the relationship often become isolated. One partner may try consciously to cut the other off from their base of support by criticizing their friends or attacking their friends directly, by making greater and greater demands on their personal time, or by simply asking or telling them, gradually or all at once, to stop hanging out with those people. They may do any of these things without consciously intending to isolate their partner; that does not make the relationship less abusive. They may even unconsciously isolate together, as they become increasingly enmeshed in their unhealthy relationship. It’s like a cult of one… or, in polyamorous relationships, just a cult.

Their impact on the world, therefore, becomes lessened. The greater the percentage of one person’s life is that another person takes up, the more that person can abuse them without consequence. When one person becomes fifty, eighty-five, a hundred percent of your world, there is less room for all the healthy and delightful things that might otherwise highlight anything unhealthy that is going on with that person.

As the relationship becomes more enmeshed, as that percentage grows, the emotional abuse against our right to impact can be increasingly blatant. Abuses against our right to feel can make it very clear that our needs are not important, that we are not important, which creates a sense of invisibility. A lack of impact. One openly hostile variation on this is to pretend that someone does not exist: “Did you hear something? I could have sworn there was someone talking to me, but there’s nobody here!” A less obvious method is to use avoidance tactics in conversation: to misinterpret or pick away at small details in an argument, refusing to hear what the other person is actually communicating; to turn an accusation around on the other person; or to bring up something unrelated that they have done wrong. To complete the takeover of power in the relationship, some people “pull rank”, emphasizing that they are the breadwinner, the husband, the wife, the boss of the relationship, the cook, et cetera. Some even go so far as to refer to themselves as “Mommy” or “Daddy” when ordering their adult partner around – “Daddy wants you to come home right now!” “Mommy is very angry with you!” Pulling rank is also called “role-playing,” and is similar in some ways to that practiced in the emotionally abusive Gorean lifestyle.

The right to space. In a healthy relationship, each person knows where their boundaries are around their emotional, mental, and physical space and their time. They have a sturdy sense of perspective and are able to set and communicate their priorities in respectful and loving ways. They take care of their own space, and respect others’. They can be happy when another person sets clear boundaries, because they know that when that person takes care of their needs they will be more emotionally available for the relationship. They feel safe hearing other people set clear boundaries, because they know that that means their own boundaries will be respected too. And they are able and willing to notice when things aren’t perfect and when they need to address their problems, and address them directly and honestly.

In an emotionally abusive relationship, boundaries are perceived as a threat or an attack. Every kind of space is perceived as a zero-sum game: there is not enough time for everyone to have their needs met and do what they want to do. There is not enough space for everyone’s personal space and personal objects to be respected. If one person is upset, it means that the other person will never get to express their feelings. There is no room allowed for compromise or balance. Everything the abuser does is a right, and everything anyone else does is a violation of those rights. And the more space they take up, the less space others have to maintain their grip on reality. The abusive relationship slowly swallows up their entire world. The right to space implies the right to have our own interests, our own skills and talents, our own desires, our own relationships, our own lives. In an emotionally abusive relationship, all of that eventually falls away. Often, people who have a pattern of emotionally abusive relationships have already given those things up, believing that this is the only way to get the love they deserve.

Emotional incest is another violation of the right to space. It occurs most often in adult-child relationships, when a parent or other adult confides inappropriately in a child, asks the child to make decisions about their romantic or business life for them, shares deep emotional information – in short, when they relate to a child in a way that is only appropriate in a relationship with another adult. In Silently Seduced: When Adults Make Their Children Partners – Understanding Emotional Incest, psychologist identifies the problem: “Did you have a parent whose love for you felt more confining than freeing, more demanding than giving, more instrusive than nurturing? Did you feel trapped in a ‘psychological marriage’ with this parent? If so, you may be a victim of covert incest. Identification of this kind of incest is difficult, since covert incest victims often feel idealized and privileged, not violated and abused.”

Escalation

One hallmark of abusive relationships is that the abuse escalates over time. As resentments grow, and as the fact that you cannot completely control another human being becomes increasingly evident, the abuser must resort to increasingly emotionally violent tactics. If they did not start out using physical, sexual, [financial abuse, or other forms of abuse, they may begin incorporating them. If the relationship did not start out as mutually abusive it may become so with time, as one partner, unable to see other options, begins lashing out at their abuser.

Like In Alcoholics Anonymous, they say that alcoholism is a progressive disease: with time, the alcoholic engages more and more in their addictive behavior and the addiction gets worse and worse. The same applies to abuse. Abuse and addiction are deeply linked. Abuse is an attempt to control other people and situations, which stems from codependency, which is an addiction and which is caused by a history of abuse. Abuse is an addiction, and it is part of a vicious cycle in which it causes other addictions and leads to more abuse.

By the same token, many people who have been abused have never known anything else. They can’t imagine what it would be like to put themselves first, to love themselves so much that they do not need the validation of others, to set boundaries fearlessly and to have relationships where they are automatically respected. They may be able to imagine better than what they have, but the reality of how much better it can be never seems real to them. They see no other option than to throw their own boundaries, needs, even selves away, thinking that that will protect themselves from future abuse. The first step in healing from emotional abuse is to get out of the relationship, but the key to healing is to stop the emotional abuse that is coming from within YOURSELVES.
GOD BLESS..SUS