I agree with your main points. I am a BM of three and have been a SM for more than 12 years. I do think there is a continuum of what the SM/BM relationship can look like, but do agree with the boundaries you are discussing here....and on the T-shirt thing...wow....that's about all I got on that one.

3- yeah...I don't have anything to say about this one other than,nobody better to try to play with the titles as long as I'm around to take care of my kid.
4-HUGE one. Sorry but that'll make me go for supervised visitation faster than anyone can even blink and say the word bitch.
5-(the cs doesn't bother me...it's the alimony that kills my ass,hence,separate bank accounts)
7-(never actually happened..but it would suck if it did)

these are my personal favorites. F**king hate that sh*t.

"Venting without the desire to look within and improve your situation is simply venting to hear yourself bitch."

..."I'm not mean, you're just a sissy."

As a SM I would have to say.....

any SM that does these things is the problem

I have 3 bios with DH, never had children with an ex---but I can certainly put myself in their shoes

I just remembered something--about CS--

it is crazy of a BM to go back for CS constantly to get every last dime she can get out of the guy for her own personal gain. I would then be really pissed off, I still wouldn't talk to BM about it.

Well, BMJen.. I am a SUCKY SM!! And I know it... Let's see... which of these did I break??

Ok - I broke #1, 4 (out of frustration) , 5 and 6

I don't care that she knows DH's family. I just care that she uses them and manipulates them into thinking she is the "poor victim BM" and then, when given the chance will pick her family over his no matter what the circumstance. So as far as I'm concerned, she gave up any "right" to be all "oooohhhh pooor meeee" with that family. BM over here can go F*CK herself!!

I understand that a lot of people think these are unbreakable rules. But like I said, I"m the SM that no one wants. And if BM over here were to say any of this to me, I'd tell her to go suck sand. When she can stop emotionally abusing and stealing money - yes actually stealing money - from my SD... then maybe I would give her some consideration.

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

Has SM#3 done these things to you?

You nailed them Jen! Love this list! The picture t-shirt thing? Really?

My favorite thing was Satan would include me in her annual 'holiday letter' complete with 'family' pictures of 'their' kids..... gag me.

Love ya Jen!

How do they do this? Don't you live really far away from your ex? How often do you see these SMs?

Like you said your kid won't be seeing her again for like a whole year.

I overheard my son (14) tell my Mom last night that when he's 18 he won't be seeing his father anymore. The primary reason, cited by both he and my daugther (16), is that he talks bad about me to them. He has mentioned how much it really bothers him and makes him angry and makes him want to leave visitation...but the erosion of the relationship may be beyond repair at this point and I think my Ex has NO idea. I suppose if he stopped doing it, it might repair itself...but people really don't understand that the payoff they get from the trash talk about a kid's parent really will alienate the child completely and work the opposite of what you want it to. I have worked very hard to get my DH to understand this as well. At your son's age like with my son, they know how they feel about their Mom and who their Mom is...and nobody is going to mess with that and get any satisfaction.

I'm actually pretty laid back about that kind of stuff.
I didn't say anything when she would take photos of herself and my son. I let it roll off. I didn't say anything when she babied my then 5 year old son and spoon fed him.
BUT I drew the line when she insisted that he call her "Mama SMName". Especially after ex drilled it in my son's head that FH wasn't his dad and therefore didn't have to listen. It took months of reprogramming to get the kid to not feel guilty for liking FH.
Then there was the time she said I was a bad mom because BS didn't have a haircut. His hair wasn't wild, he just needed a trim. Unfortunately since I get no CS and we live from paycheck to paycheck he can't always look fabulous. Shame on Me!! How dare I spend $ on food and not on a haircut?
And I would do as you would do in regards to sending the tshirt back to SM3. But I would shred it first }:) Must have gotten messed up in the dryer...

I think all of that was very well said. Of course sm's do have their own list too...but I think if more sm's the opportunity to have this list in mind when entering the step role it would go a lot more smoothly.

As the "new" person coming in they might have a difficult time being empathetic about all the adjustments that are having to be made to the family (albeit separated) to accommodate the new person in the picture. Of course it's irritating when previously one could get an answer right away from ex and now they have to wait indefinitely for him to check with ms.newperson. I know a lot of steps think "of course ex has to wait, I'm here now, I have a right to be consulted" and they are right. But they need to understand that it does take some adjustment time.

I don't think the two sides are too different in what they want or their right to expect it, I think the break down happens in the inability to have respect for or acknowledge the other side's needs.

"The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change, So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding, and love." -Jennifer Edwards

Okay, you would probably hate me too. On face book I list all three boys, my steps & my son and don't differentiate who I gave birth to. BM is not my friend on facebook but MIL is & I know she loves that I treat all her grandson's the same.

Also, every year we take the kids to see Sanata, before BS I always got 2 pitures & gave one to her, but now that we have BS I haven't. This year I asked the boys if they wanted one of the holiday cards with the picture for their mom. Because of how it was set up my BS could be cropped out & it would just show the boys. They wanted to & gave it to their mom. I even offered last week to drive her to pick up her van at the shop. I have helped them buy her gifts & even picked up her birthday gift from them & dropped it off to them to give her because we couldn't go get it together.

I am not looking to be BFF's cuz other than the kids we have no common interests and are totally differnt people. But I am always friendly & nice & treat her the way I would a friend because I LOVE the boys & I feel that is healthy for them.

I do understand your points. I have an exhusband who goes through Girlfriends like candy. My kids look know that they are not going to last, and are don't even try tog get attached to them, because they don't want to get their little hearts broken. When my ex tried to get back together with me, even my kids were like, DONT DO IT MOM! HE IS NOT WORTH IT! HE WILL USE YOU LIKE A PIECE OF TISSUE!!!

Now I really don't care if he finds someone else or not, for me its not even a jealousy factor, I just really don't care about his life at all and try not to think about him. He isn't worth thinking about anymore. My thinking is he will be someone elses problem one day, and thank goodness that someone isn't me.

I think that his gf isn't so much trying to stick it to you, as much as she is trying to impress her new man. And as far as your son is concerned, trust me, she most likely has no intentions of truly wanting to be his new mom.

I know with my stepkids they could simply vanish from my life, leaving me with their dad all to myself. And as far as my DHs BM, she is just simply a pain in my behind. I have no real beef with her, and she really doesn't know me, and I don't think that she hates me per se, more than she has a real hatred for her ex-husband, so that much I can understand.

For you situation, I could be wrong, the SM could be one of these drama queens who gets off on hurting other women. But more than likely she just wants your ex all to herself, and like you said, and she sees you as a threat, because you are the other woman in his life that he still has to deal with.

I know how that feels. I would like to vanish my dh's bm to the far reaches of the universe, but that is because she still tries to act like she is married to him and tries to stick it to him every chance she gets. If she would just be like me, and not give a crap about her ex.

I think another thing is, with BM, she talked crap about me to DHs family, and that was not cool. She needed to realize that she had no place in his life anymore. The only connection that she had with the man is her kids. I am a BM myself, and I did mourn the loss of my husbands family, but I understood my bounderies.

If you as a BM want this woman, who may or may not be in your husbands life for a long time, to be good to your son, than you need to respect hers. You need to not be involved with your ex's family anymore. It is his family, and now it may be hers as well. And you need to respect that she want to love your son.

Yes, your husband may be a son of a bitch, that is why you are not with him. And he may be a shitty dad. But he is your son's dad, and you can't change that. Your son has that connection with him.

Hindsight is 20/20, you chose to marry him, you chose to have kids with him. Yes you didn't know he would be such a jerk, and a crappy dad, but he it is what it is. You need to choose to stop focusing on him and her. Just simply stop thinking about him. That is what I did. I will not talk to my ex at all, unless absolutely nexxessary. ANd I can't change his poor parenting skills. I have seen my daughter throw temper tantrums on the floor. But you know what, I can't do anything about that now, disney dad who is a guily parent lets her get away with it, and their isn't a darn thing I can do about it. Why? I can sit here and throw a pity party, poor me, he ruined my life, he is a shitty dad. Or I can take acknowledge that I made a poor decision in choosing that POS, and go on with my life, be a great mom to my kids, and take my power back by not thinking about him ever again.

So, my advice to you, is you can't do anything about the situation. You can't change him, you can't change her. You can be a great BM to your son. I know it sounds hard, but its sounds like you resnt him, and he really isn't worth it. She certainly isn't worth it.

****Guilty right here****

I refer to SS as my son, I give BM my thoughts on raising him. I have had child support conversations with her, and taken SS on her days to go on vacation to see my family. I think it is different though when SM has been around since he was 1. He knows no different than having ME as one of his parents. I have changed that boys diapers, helped potty train him, taught him how to talk... cleaned up his vomit, givin him EVERY SINGLE hair cut he has ever gotten, sang him to sleep at night, stayed up with him all night when he is sick... you know MOM things. I would NEVER EVER tell him to call me mom though... I am his STEPmom, and he and I are BOTH ok with that.

Now, as a BM... my ex has had FEW steady girlfriends since we split. And now that my girls are 6 and 8, if his current girlfriend (of 5 months) started telling me how to handle my kids... as much as I REALLY like her, I would have to tell her to go pound sand. Ya gotta stick around for longer than a few months to weigh ANY importance in my eyes, when it comes to my kids. I would FLIP on her if she did some of the things you have listed... HOWEVER: I don't think she will get like that, she is a BM herself and her daughter has a stepmom. I think that whole "circle of life" things helps when you are dating someone with kids. The "been there done that" with the step mom role... As for me, I was a STEPMOM way before my kids ever had anything CLOSE to a stepmom, so I understand how she might feel (she and my ex fight about me sometimes... she thinks we might get back together, she is also pregnant and hormonal, I chalk it up to that because there is NOTHING going on that would indicate ANY kind of reconciliation between us!!!) but I also know how hard it is to come in to a childs life, and want so bad to be loved, only to have BM forbid it of their child I WILL NOT BE THAT BM!!!!

DISbelief~

~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~

Obviously our POS exes have to find women that aren't playing with a full deck because who else can they convince that they are "good dads?"
My ex actually prefers younger and younger women because they are more likely to believe him than someone in our age range.

I've done #2 - because I thought if she got to know me she would see that I by no means am trying to overstep boundaries as she is the children's mother, and I thought that if I got to know her better, maybe I would actually like the person she is and we could atleast have an amicable relationship to bring peace for all of us involved.

I've never done any of the other ones, but befriending her did come back to bite me in the ass. With that said, #2 will never happen again, but I would still like to get to a place where we can be cordial/respectful but indifferent about one another.

The only way to remain in her "good graces" is to agree with everything she says and make sure that we do exactly what she wants and how she wants it done. She will give her blessing for us to have a home and a family of our own, as long as she is the dictator over it.

___________________________________________________________________________
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”

I am a SM only and I think this is a great list. I wouldn't have a problem with a BM needing any one of these to be part of the deal. In fact, I would expect it. Can you be my BM instead of the one I have???

1. It's YOUR child and I've never had one so why would I want to give you advice on how to raise him/her? It isn't my place to give a parent suggestions on how to raise their child, just to help out.

2. I LOVE boundaries, especially when it comes to BM. We don't need to be friends, we just shouldn't be enemies. A BM is an ex of my H's that I have to deal with. I'm not interested in being friends with any of his exs.

3. I hope to have a child of my own. I'm not interested in replacing someone's mother.

4. That's very immature, and if I'm that immature unstable I shouldn't be responsible for a child.

5. We shouldn't be discussing finances period. That's just inappropriate. If I have a money problem, I should talk to DH.

6. I have no problem with her taking her child on any holiday, or any other day she wants. I wish she would take him.

7. Why in the would I....Nevermind. Don't need to address that one for obvious reasons. lol

8. I could see how this would be annoying, but it really isn't a big deal. Being genuinely concerned about people's well being isn't wrong.

"There comes a time when you have to surrender the idea of what your children could be to the reality of who they are."

Whooohooo! I passed your SM test!!! However I would love, love love to break rule #1. UberSkank is very jealous of step-demons's (sd14) youth and beauty. So she feeds her crap, keeps her overweight and encourages her sedentary lifestyle. Drives me crazy what she's doing to this kid. And what's worse....we can't do anything to help step-demon out with this.

We're very careful not to mention her weight to her, and when she calls herself fat I tell her not to beat herself up, but to find small things to change to make herself feel better.

Step-demon told us UberSkank wants to put her on Jenny Craig (she can't afford it right now, it was a hint for us to sign her up and pay for it). All I wanted to do was scream out....Hey UberSkank....how about you feed the kid a salad every once in a while, lose all of the ice cream and twinkies and encourage her to get off her backside and get some exercise instead!!!!

But I keep my trap shut......step-demon already hates me, and I'm very, very careful not to say anything that can be construed as negative about her crappy, lazy, slutty mother. :evil:

PS...I'm not a BM (why torture the world with my potential demon spawn??) and I love your list.

“Be like a duck. Calm on the surface, but always paddling like the dickens underneath.”
Michael Caine

BMJen - This is NOT aimed at you. I took your guidelines and answered them.

As an SM only - cannot be a bm.... Here's my take on your list. As Lotus said... this struck a really bad nerve with me today because BM over here feels like some of these should apply to her. So - as I know she feels these ways... here are my answers to HER!

1. Any advice on how to raise my child. -
My answer - Really? What if I find something that he or she really like that I made once? Can I not let you know that they like it for dinner without being treated like I don't have that right? Or even worse to me.. is that you are trying to tell me how to propose activities for YOU to do and take credit for. What if DH and I wanted to take SS to the fair?? And as far as school... Of course NOT "I'm a better mom".. but what about... "Hey... we tried this over here and SS really responded to it. Just thought you would want to know..."

I have heard "You don't understand. YOU ARE NOT THE MOTHER. I CARRIED X IN MY WOMB" BLAH BLAH FUCKING BLAH. Does NOT make you a better person than me when it comes to this child. NOT FOR ALL BM'S ... BUT THERE ARE A FEW WHO LOVE TO TOSS THIS ONE OUT WITH NO CLUE ON HOW TO BE A MOM. And this is an SM's response, right?

2. Don't try to befriend me.....and realize why.
My answer - I don't want to be your friend. If I try at all it's because you are in my husband's life and will be for a while. So to make things better for everyone, I, as an adult, feel that we should be more than civil and polite. We may want to even exchange pleasantries. How scandalous. If I am smart, I will wait until I am in DH's life for a year until I try to "befriend" you... in the lowly position that I am. But I will try IN THE BEST INTERESTS OF EVERYONE .... I hope you can realize why.

3. Don't tell my child to call you mom.
My Answer - I NEVER told YOUR child to call me mom. BUT what if they ask me to? Am I to tell them NO?? Yes, you did give birth to them. Yes you do actually deserve that title. But I will tell you this. The child calls me by name until they ask to call me different. I am not going to make a child feel like sh*t if they ask to call me mom because you are too insecure to understand that maybe it makes your child feel better. I WILL NEVER ASK FOR IT. But if they do... I will let them call me what is most comfortable and best for them. A good mom would never make a child feel bad for LOVING his step mom either.

4. Don't talk smack about me with my son there to hear it. It's stupid.
My Answer - I won't if you don't about me or about my husband. I don't. But if you feel the need to and I hear about it or my husband does, don't be surprised when you are confronted back with FACTS that show there is nonsense going on. You can stop the child from loving his father, and having a decent relationship with his Stepmom. If that's what you want... then I feel pity for you. But let's make this a truce!

5. Don't bring up child support to me. You don't pay it, he does. It's not your responsibility, it's his.
My Answer - Yep - you are right! Child Support is my husband's responsibility. But hey!! Now that I'm in the picture bringing more money in, YOUR CHILD also benefits. Don't think for a second that they don't. Whether it be in the form of extras at our home, or extras that they bring home, or just a better frame of mind. And you know what? I don't want TO EVER HEAR from YOU either about Child Support. I don't want to hear you complain to me or my DH how it's not enough!! Save it.

6. Don't expect me to give up MY holidays so you can take my son on a vacation to meet your family. It's not going to happen. I'm not even going to list reasons here........none should be needed.
My answer - If you really cared about your child... you wouldn't place the emphasis on a single day. You would place it on the EVENT and the GET TOGETHER and all of the feelings that go with it. Because you know why? SOMEDAY that child will grow up. And someday they are going to need to be away from home - due to a significant other or due to work or whatever. WHAT MATTERS IS THE LOVE... and not the actual "date". And what about DH? Doesn't he get to spend the holiday? Or No... did he just give it up because his sperm doesn't matter in the making of your child?

7. Don't send my son home after a visit with a T-Shirt that has a photo of you, x, and my son on it.
My answer - Whatever, I wouldn't do this anyways. I hate those shirts to begin with. Non-issue. If the child wants to bring home a picture of DH though... I suggest you let him. As we let him display you in his room in our house. BECAUSE YOU ARE HIS MOTHER. I would love that same consideration for HIS FATHER even if .... gasp - I am in the picture!

8. Don't be mad that I know all the names of people in x's family.
My answer - I am fine with you being a part of that family. I have had to accept it when I came into this picture. I don't care that you ask. I ask your child about your side of the family too. For example, hey - I know BM's mom has been sick... how is she? Wow - I'm freakin' horrible. The thing that YOU need to remember is that YES you were once considered a part of that family. And in my opinion - YOU STILL ARE a part of the family. That doesn't give you the right to act superior or to constantly try to belittle me with dates "BEFORE STICK" or try to make me feel bad because you have to keep telling me how you are a part of them. They have accepted me and have seemed to move on. They still care about you...but not like they used to. And oh - it would be ESPECIALLY NICE if you let your family CONSIDER DH as still part of them too instead of trying to alienate him.

You know what crosses my mind is what do you think your ex is telling these women about you that is making these women do this. I think a lot of the bl;ame should go straight to him. What are the odds that all of them feel the need to do this?

I know that my husband's version of events & BM's of their marriage & each other is not the same. There are times I know that my husband's interpretation is so wrong... and I tell him. You know your a good mom, but God only knows how he paints you.

BTW my skids call me by my name but have made the mistake & slip up & call me mom, but that is cuz I am the mom at my house to their brother who they love very much and I do all the mom stuff at our house. They have never done it infront of their mom thank God, because that would hurt her, just like when my son calls me by my name on occasion because he hears his brothers call me that.

*sigh*

....................................................................................................................

"Venting without the desire to look within and improve your situation is simply venting to hear yourself bitch."

..."I'm not mean, you're just a sissy."

Maybe you should just take credit for raising such a great young man that random strange women want to call him their own!

Amazingly, I have done DONE of this stuff to BM and she STILL hates my guts. Oh well...

I gotta ask what does KWIM mean?? Not all people have common sense. Trust me there are a lot of stupid people out there girl and they are usually pretty fertile.

If I was refering to the big boys as my precious sons, I think I would have to gag myself. I maybe talk that way about my 2 year old and hey I have referred to him as Satan too, but never in print where it can come back to bite you.

I would never want my BS 2 running around with a tshirt with our pictures on it... so not my style. Let's face it do you really think this guys going to attract a better type of woman. Sounds like you were the best he was ever going to get and you came to your senses & realized you deserved better.

I just wrote to BMJen in a private post..

The issues for us is that CRAZY BM'S say the same sort of things that SANE BM's do. That they have all of these rights that we as SM's do not. So it is very difficult to accept or condone a generic list because it does not accurately reflect the realities of all of these different situations.

It brings up an interesting question though... Do CRAZY SM's say the same sort of things that SANE SM's do? Personally, I don't believe so.

I WILL FULLY SUPPORT BM'S AND BM OVER HERE to the point where a counselor has asked DH and I 'WHY' we stick up for her so much.

But I will not support the whole "I gave birth SO YOU LISTEN TO ME..." from anyone. Because - and I'm sorry BMJen... but if you need to put down rules... then you are already breaking some of my boundaries. And likewise, if I were to barge in and put down rules, I would be breaking boundaries that I have no right to. My house, my rules? Sure. But to tell BM that she HAS TO RESPECT all of them and then list them out... Hmmmm not so much.

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

BMjen you were looking for a reaction, posting that on Stepmom venting sight??? and when you get a different response you call them "pscho antics". totally not cool

I find it funny because you gave your BM one of the hardest times, you smashed that women to the ground every time.

Peace out~~~~~~~~~~~I'll sit here and await the fire storm.

coming from a sm who'd dh has 50/50..and ive been around for 2 years, never came in and out of his life....although im sure that what bm thought i was when i first came in to the picture. too bad for her.

this is my response as if you were my bm. we all know my bm has issues, but im sure she thinks like this, no one who is crazy admits they are crazy...they think they are the normal one

1. just because you give birth doesnt make you perfect. perhaps advice from some one else is helpful, and you shouldnt be so cocky as to think you always know better. I came form a much better home life than bm, and have much better parenting skills regaurdless of who gave birth to him, and if bm would pull her head out of her ass and see that, she might get compliments for his behavior from the day care lady too, but instead she has to pick him up early kicking and screaming because he never behaves for her. for example, bm is complete trash and a total idiot. Its freezing out side and she keeps cutting ss's hair in a buzz cut way so that his head is freezing. um, i know its not my kid, but hello moron, your kid keeps getting sick because your are too fucking stupid to know not to keep cutting his hair so short and sending him out in the cold because you are too busy drinking beer with your bf and pawning him off on friends. yes, dh told her to stop cutting his hair...my idea, yes, btter for ss, yes, so really i dont give a fuck who got knocked up and gave birth, i just want whats best for him, and clearly she is too fucking stupid to get it herself.

2. i am here to stay, so get over it, if you dont want to fight me for him, than please stop pissing all over everything like a male dog trying to claim your territory. and most importantly, if all you care about is your son, than stop trying to control my house. You should be so lucky that im trying to be friend you. there are many sm's that domt give a crap about you or your child and will make your life hell, me on the other hand is trying to get along with you so that things are best for YOUR child. Maybe you dont get that it is solely your child that benefits or suffers from our relationship, so maybe the next time you try and board the drama train you should think about that, because really the only person that suffers from you not liking me is YOUR child. Please dont say you dont want to be friends because really what it is, is that your jealous that you drive a shitty Honda, i drive a Mercedes, have an education, and a job. i wasnt raised by white trash, and am a wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy better mother to your child that you birthed than you will ever be. i dont need to be called mom to know that, unlike you im not in secure, and dont need a title to make me important.

3. already adressed that, i am smnikki, and i am very good at that. bm is in his life, ha has a mom, and even if she is a dumb shit she is still his mother, and i in no way want to be considered his mother when he starts acting a fool in school because his mother raised an idiot just like her. I do control him in my house, i am the mother figure, and un like you, he will respect me and follow my rules. I am not a friend, i am a step PARENT, and i will handle him accordingly. this friend bull shit is what causes skids to walk all over sm, because they try to be a friend, bull shit, my house my rules, they will be followed and i will be respected.

4, ss is too young, i do not say a thing about bm...however when ss is older, if bm does something stupid, most likely ss will realize that the comments being made are in fact because bm did something stupid yet again, but that our bm for ya. the stupid train runs 24/7

5. we have 50/50 so doesnt apply.

6. i have a huge issue with this one. BM feels this way...and to our bm (not you) i say a big fuck you! you should be glad that my family cares enough to spend time and get to know your child to make ss feel welcome. we have 50/50 so regardless of where we are spending the holidays, you do what you want when its your time, we will take ss where ever we please.

7. hahahahahaa, thats funny. who does that? i would never do that. i did make a jar with stuff in it for bm so that we could use the same potty jar reward system at both homes to try and get him potty trained. dh asked her if she wanted one, she said yes, but then took it and through it away. ummmmmmmm, sorry you couldn't figure out how to potty train your own child, i was trying to help, dont be a fake bitch and then take it and throw it away.

8. caring about and remembering things about family one thing...calling, sending gifts, going to family things not ok, in any situation.

just venting...not directed towards any one but our bm. im sure the nut job thinks like this but really, she is a nut job

Maybe the moral of this blog is to know your place.
If you are an SM whose Skids have two active and very involved parents, know your place. Know that mom and dad are there to handle everything and you are there to "step" in, for moral support, love etc.
If you are an SM who is married to a man who has custody of his kids, and BM isn't very much involved, then she needs to know her place. BM can't overstep the boundaries that you and your husband put in place.
There are always different scenarios for everyone. None of us have the same situation.
Of course this was going to cause a problem for some. This is an SM rant on a website for SP's. Where SP's come because they feel alone and misunderstood. Rare is the BM who doesn't have a friend who can relate to the madness. I have friends who have kids and have crazy SMs in their kids life. But I don't have many friends who are an SM and go through what I have.
I'm sorry Jen that you are going through it. It isn't easy on either side of the spectrum. I'm here if you need me.

~*~When you kiss ass, your breath smells like sh*t~*~

Putting my 'BM' hat on...

My son does not have a SM and probably never will at the rate my ex is going so hopefully I never have to worry about this stuff but...

BMJen, if I did? I am completely agreeing with your list! Those are definately boundaries that I, as a BM would set. Do I have double standards as a SM? Maybe... Maybe not.

I think one of the main issues here is that there are so many different types of BM's and SM's out there that it is hard, actually impossible, to establish a set of guidelines that are good for everyone to follow.

For me, I went into the situation with no expectations. BM showed her true colors eventually, and I learned what kind of SM I had to be by sitting back and observing for a while.

I took a little from here, a little from there, and made my own rules. I don't offer parenting advice because:

A. I don't want to talk to her if I don't have to.
B. I can't control what she does as a parent and she wouldn't take the advice if I offered so why waste my breath?
C. She isn't that bad of a mom where her kid goes without basic life skills and essentials, so whatever I feel she is lacking I just try to make up on my own. (Sign SD up for lessons, bake with her, teach her girly things, etc).

I don't talk about BM to SD because, once again, I couldn't care less about her. I will never allow jealousy to run that deep.

As far as the T-Shirt thing, that's just plain insecure.

CS, we only pay $100 a month plus extras she made need, like glasses, field trips, etc... Because we have a pretty even custody split, so it's no big deal.

Basically, there is no "one size fits all" rules for SM/BM relationship. Everyone has to figure out what works for them.

~*~When you kiss ass, your breath smells like sh*t~*~

I haven't read this comment train and I'm not going to... but I just wanted to respond to your original post by saying that I appreciate the perspective as a BM. I think it's hilarious that I have never done any of these things and BM still hates me LOL

*~So sayeth Nymh~*

I have gone in and expressed my opinions to my ex wife's husband.
I told him strait out, "you can tell me to eat shit" But I want to ask you to please smoke outside your home.
The kids don't need this 2nd hand smoke.

I also told him keep the pot to your own private bedroom.
He got in my face. tried to start a fight.
But I said, "Ok I will take that as eat shit!"
I gave my opinion. And left it at that.

I am all for co parenting from all parents involved.
I will speak my mind for your kid too.
I care and i show it.

Let's all have a big group hug and agree it's back to that grade school lesson of "treat others how you'd like to be treated." and the grown up lesson added of treat the GOOD SM how you'd expect to be treated as a GOOD SM and treat the GOOD BM how you'd expect to be treated as a GOOD BM.

"Venting without the desire to look within and improve your situation is simply venting to hear yourself bitch."

..."I'm not mean, you're just a sissy."

Whew this was a good one! For the most part I agree with Jen's rules. I follow them for the most part. But let me say this:

-If BM doesn't want to be friends, fine. But she still has no right to be disrespectful. This is actually a sore subject with me because I'm damned if I do damned if I don't. If I act too friendly, she gets upset. But if I was EVER rude to her she would rant about how she deserves respect. Guess what? SO DO I!

-I don't complain about CS. So that means that BM shouldn't be allowed to complain about not having enough of it.

-I would never give parenting advice. But if I make a receipe that the skids enjoy or we find a new activity we enjoy, I'm not telling BM to make her feel bad or brag about how much better I am than her. I'm just filling her in on what the skids discovered while they weren't with her. That's all. No need for her to get defensive and angry.

*Formerly FiguringItOut* trying to take a new approach to my situation

Bravo.

"if you don't have anything nice to say, then shut the fuck up."

Can I just say that I am a little bit put-off by this posting and all the replies? This is a site for step-parents. Although your issues, complaints, and requests are all absolutely valid (and one might think common sense for appropriate adult behavior!), posting that on a site that is for step-parents to bring their challenges seems funny to me.
Almost like a married person posting her woes on a site for singles, or something.
Aren't their sites for divorced women who have to deal with irresponsible exes and their baggage?

I haven't been coming here as much as I currently feel like I will no longer be a SM. Blessing on one hand with a borderline SD and well...curses...curses...curses...

My beautiful BD 4 that we were so happy to be blessed with and raise together, may have a SM that made a mission out of taking my husband from me. (I know that we had problems, but he never even mentioned he was unhappy and wanting out before she showed up, and they've not even known each other very long.) She's married and supposedly leaving her H, she has kids (don't know how old they are.) So my H thinks he will just plop himself and his disordered D, and our BD into a brand new blended family and THIS time it's going to work.

Anyway...I am not going to deal with shared parenting with this man. He obviously can't put his kids first or he would have tried with me to make this work. I am seeing now that it wasn't all BM who was the problem with shared parenting.

So I am now facing my daughter having a SM, with a ton of baggage to boot, right out of being a family here. Bam. Instant new family.

It's raw and like you Jen I don't think I'll ever be able to be the kind of BM I am with my sons' SM. We are friends and probably will be no matter whatever comes of her and my ex's marriage. But that took years to grow and I never wanted her husband back in my life, she didn't wedge me out of his etc.

H told me when he first confessed he only hoped I could not hate him one day.

At this rate the best he can hope for is ambivalence. He'd better not even expect us to be friends.

Jen I don't think there's anything wrong with any of your BM's bill of rights here. It may be b/c I am facing something so hurtful that I can't see ever getting over what he's done. He will likely be a "piece of shit" to me forever more if he never even tries to rebuild us before leaving us.

And at this rate? It's not looking likely that he's capable of doing the right thing.

I can see your points, bc I am both a SM and a BM.... but my husband's ex and BM to my SS is a WHACK JOB and I have had to step in at times and be the parent. Some BM's ( as well as SM's I am sure) are complete losers and that leaves you as the SM to step up to the plate. YOU can raise your child and seem to be doing good job, the BM I deal with CANNOT. I think it all depends on what kind of BM you are dealing with.