I don't know if they ever stop wishing. SD 17 has been difficult from the day she came to live with us, but the day we announced we were getting married was almost palpably the day she became intolerable. I only have second hand info and my own perceptions based on interactions, but their marriage and her homelife was very disfunctional, but even through all of that she held out hope that it would go back to the way it was. That doesn't bother me so much...my own BD 8 has asked me why her Dad's GF and my DH can't live next door to me and her Dad...she said this a couple of years ago. In her mind it's all about having the people she loves and cares about close to her. She hates transition time, and doesn't dislike any of the four of us...just doesn't want to have to be without Mom and Dad.

When I was a kid I hoped my mom and dad would get back together. It probably didn't help that I had the poster perfect evil stepmother but well into my teens I held onto hope that my parents would reconcile. I think it's a natural thing for a kid to want, not even necessarily a personal slight against a step parent they have genuinely caring feelings toward either. It's just mom and dad together is "the perfect family" or "the way it's supposed to be" in a kid's mind.

Don't take it too personally. Both of my kids love my husband to pieces but if they could wave a wand and put me and dad back together- I think they would in a heartbeat.

"The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change, So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding, and love." -Jennifer Edwards

Jen, you shouldn't be reading her diary and your husband certainly shouldn't mention that you did. She'll never forgive you for that. You should let this go. Even biokids write things like that and unless there is a real worry about them, they're privacy should be respected.

My daughter's stepmom did this and my daughter has never forgiven her to this day and it is 7 years later. They don't even give her the benefit of referring to her by SM. They call her "the hamhock."

I agree...SD's diary fell out of her bed and I can't say I wasn't tempted, but I left that thing right where it fell and I told her to hide it better....LOL....As a child, my diary was read by my SM and I was devstated....some things are just better left unknown....my skids were basically abandoned by their BM, but I am sure they still fantasize about their parents being together...I think its normal....

A mother is not defined by the "b" or the "s" in front of her name, she is defined by how she handles the "mother" part.....

Hon, I don't encourage them to DO anything. They are adults.

My parents split up and dad moved out when I was 9. I don't really remember, but mom says I tried to make a "romantic hamburger dinner" to get them back together. LOL - I guess it didn't work. When their anniversary rolled around the next year, I made them a card and told them they had to share it. But mom and dad both made clear to me that they would not be getting back together. I never really gave it any more thought after that.

Now, a different perspective. My DH divorced BM when their son was only 1 year old. SS can never remember a time when his parents were together. >>>fast forward>>> When SS was 15, he faked a hallucination episode while on medication. When BM and DH both went to visit him at the hospital, SS perked up with a smile and said "This is the first time you both have been in the same room together!" (Not exactly true, but this was the first time they were alone together without me in a room.) Also when DS3 was born, SS expressed his jealousy because DS3 gets to grow up with both parents and he didn't. So SS never got over the feeling of wanting his parents to get back together.

Jen, I've been there too. My Sd has a psych issue and even though she wanted the divorce, then wanted me to be her mom, she still turned 2 years in to hating/blaming me etc.

I did read her journals, because they were disturbing- as in suicidal thoughts, etc. She doesn't keep them anymore and normally I owuld say that's not good- that keeping journals is a good way to write through your problems. But my SD used journals to fuel her raging seething hatred. She also kept running lists of "friends/enemies" from school, and wrote compulsively about people, even as they were in the same room with her (her mom's sister asked me about it when SD took her then journal into a rehearsal dinner and would "take notes" the whole time. Once I read that she while was talking to a girl on the phone, in the journal she was ranting about how much she hated her.

It wasn't "normal" but compulsive.

I don't blame you for reading. You are human.

I would say DH shouldn't bring up what you read, and perhaps if it's hurtful to read it I would try not to (and I know how this feels, but like I said I had to follow her moods for suicidal stuff) I would refrain. I haven't found much to read b/c FINALLY SD stopped writing compulsively about her hatred for us, OR has gotten smart enough to hide it (she used to leave particularly seething entries out and open, as though there was an invitation in order to make sure she hurt me. My SD also continuously ripped up pics of me, broke gifts from me, and would put up shrines devoted to BM in her room, usually pics of BM and DH married, rather than the ones of her and BM together that I printed out for her. Finally we took the pics of DH and BM together away. She chose not to put up the ones of just her and BM.

I know this pain. All I can say is her feelings are hers, they're normal, and the best you can hope for is to disengage emotionally from caring if she ever embraces your family completely.

"Parental love is unconditional, relationships are reciprocal." ~Zen

Oh and PS-

My parents lived miserably ever after.

And I wanted them to get a divorce from the time I was 9 til I gave up in my 30's after my mom finally left, and my dad followed her to her duplex a year or so later.

"Parental love is unconditional, relationships are reciprocal." ~Zen

Fortunately or unfortunately my DH & BM used to fight a lot & infrom of my skids. They were 4 & 6 when DH & her split up. They remember it & are actually glad mom & dad are with people they don't fight with. I feel really bad for them that way as my parents who are still married after 43 made our house a war zone. There was an incident when I was a between 10 & 12 where my dad gave my mom a shot gun & told her to shoot him. I called my grandparents & grandpa came over & straightened their asses out. You don't forget crap like that.

I think when you grow up with disfunction you either embrace it or be like me & go OMG, not how I will live my life or how I will raise my children. My skids are smart & know that life is better with their Dad being married to me.

I wrote SD 17 a short letter in the early few months after she moved in to address the issue you eluded to...about maybe she treats me like crap because she thinks I'm responsibile...I wanted to clear the air too. She seemed hypersensitive that I would not accept her as like my own. I never expected her to think of me as a mother at her age (15) when she moved in. I figured the most we would be is friends, but this seemed to hurt her feelings??? So...I wrote her a letter and told her I hoped we could develop a good relationship, that I understood how hard things must be for her right now and actually apologized for any part that I might have played in her unhappiness...even though I wasn't guilty of anything...just basic validation of her feelings and reassurance that I had good intentions. As you can see by our current situation, it didn't go far or long because I think she wasn't honest to begin with...about what she was really after...she was after manipulationg and control, but as the adult at the time I felt like it was a good option. And now, looking back on it it gives me more reassurance that I did all I could to try to help her adjust and be a part of our family.

Girl I once had a diary in that I LET LOOSE IN!! I called my own mom every name under the sun but a human. I was terrible...........she found, and read it. I felt so bad...I didn't mean any of that stuff. I love my mom to peices and I did then to. I felt so bad knowing that I had hurt her. She taught me a lesson though, don't write down what you don't want others to know.

My mom had a motto that I've carried over to my house. Nothing in it is private from me. It's my house.....if you have a diary you better watch what you write because if we ever think you're on drugs or something you better bet we'll be reading it. NOTHING is off limits to the parents. DH and I are both like that though, and our kids know it.

I know, it's a punch in the gut. This long later and this still is how she thinks? It could honestly be just a pissed off moment. Trust me, I've done it myself!

"If you don’t adapt and look within yourself, you’ll just keep wading in that stagnant poisonous pool of stepparent hell." author: BitchBitchBarbie

I have about 30 volumes of a journal I've kept since I was about 11. My parents read it once... the pages in which I graphically and quite eloquently described my first sexual experience with a boy when I was 14. Mom ranted and raved and sent me to a sex ed. clinic. Step-dad kind of chuckled and told me I should be a writer. That experience taught my mother not to read my journals again! The one time I forgot to hide it away since then, my step-dad just reminded me calmly about "leaving things out in the open for mothers to find" and I quietly returned it to my bedroom. Come to think of it, probably to the junk drawer in my bedroom.

Now they're all in a locked box in my closet.

Journals and diaries - private written thoughts - are sacred in our home. Venting my anger in writing has helped me to get through some tough times and still does. Even when I wrote that I wished my parents had never divorced and how much I couldn't stand my step-mother.

If you read someone's private journal entries without permission, be prepared to live with what you find there.

Jen.. I am so sorry.. I wish your dh would get his head out of his butt. SD needs HELP

Did you go to the work party? I hope so.

hey! how u been? im not gonna use myspace to much cause it gave my computer a virus...it stinks what ur going through and i know its hard to let go and disengage but try and concentrate on ur luvs....how r they?